I am finding more often that other paretns here in Utah, mo ones mostly, seem to leave their responsibilities to others who will let them?

My son's friends parents always assume I will drive them home, like I have nothing else to do. I think they do this because I only have 1 kid, and they think that because they have several that I should be happy to.

My son gave me crap tongiht because I wouldn't drive home two of his friends from another friends house, even though I didn't have to drive him, he walked home. I said no for once, and he got very angry at me saying their paretns would not pick them up and they would have to walk home 2 & 4 miles, in the snow storm if I didn't take them. Makes me so mad!!!

When my kid goes anywhere I make sure he has rides taken care of and I do my best to work around it too. The one mom has a husband, and she is "working out" so I guess she couldn't do it. She has had that excuse before. I don't get it.

Also, parents around here are not at all strict about bedtimes, even when the kids were younger.

I just htink when you have a kid or even 8 kids you assume responsibility for them and their care, rides, meals, etc to the extent that they can't do it for themselves.

Sorry, just pissed off.

Wow...that sounds a little odd that parents won't pick up their kids. Especially in bad weather.

In my experience, I never ran into that in the LDS Church. We often took turns with transportation. The one with the largest car/van took the most kids! :-) We always had room for two or more.

Why not talk to the parents?



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 03/01/2012 12:22AM by SusieQ#1.

I've had this experience. We lived 20 miles from the church building. More than once kids spent the night at my house because their parents wouldn't come and get them. I had to put my foot down about that.

Hell yeah! I have been in the YW organization many times, and although I don't have any at home kids, I was always astounded at how many people just assumed you'd ferry their kids everywhere. I put my foot down, too.

Wow, so it wasn't just my parents! Unless it was some church event they wanted us to go to we had to find our own way to get places. Probably because there were little kids at home. Altho my parents would leave my 9 yr old bro. in charge if she needed (wanted) to go out somewhere when us older kids had left home.

If we wanted to go somewhere it was by bike or bus. On our own dime, too. So i mostly didn't go anywhere.

Definitely. My parents and I would get so pissed off when I was growing up and going to mormon activities. My parents would show up to drive me home, and coincidentally no one else had a way to get home. We'd sometimes spend an hour driving all over the damn town dropping people off before we'd finally get home.

Hell to the yeah! I've talked about this situation with my TBM neighbors before on here. Their six-year-old twin sons would come over to our house every single day right after school. They are high maintenance too. They complain all the time and beg for food.

Anyway, I finally had to put my foot down and told their 13-year-old brother (who takes care of them because the parents are never around or they just don't care) that they could only come over once a week instead of everyday. He looked so disappointed because they just assumed I was their babysitter I guess, even though it has never been discussed. His brothers are not my problem though. I have my hands full enough with my three little kids!

I didn't have much issue with the ride thing? I got rides, but usually that was because my dad was out of town and my mom didn't know how to drive. But I remember not going to activities because people forgot to pick me up. XD

As for the non-strict parent thing...I'm not surprised. My own mother (TBM, stay at home mother of 6 most of her life) told me "Yeah, I wasn't very strict with you growing up. I just got lazy." So now I'm socially awkward and don't know some basic home skills. Yup.

Those poor kids, I am by far the perfect mother, however i know where my boys are, In our area we have found tiny kids 3 or 5 roaming the h neighborhood by themselves with no parent in sight, we have found a 5 yrold laying in the road for no good reason at all. Its like the parents are not even there. Since know one will really let there kids play with mine (seriously when we go out they go in, it might just be timing but it hurts) we do not have the babysitting problem. Oh well at least my boys are best friends .

It's not just the Mormon parents. I was just visiting a singles ward since a friend invited me to play volleyball. It was my first time there and I didn't know anybody but right after it was over, one of the guys asked me where I lived. I told them the general location and he turns around to the other guy standing next to him and without even asking me if it was okay, tells him "She'll give you a ride home." Umm... no. I wasn't going to have a guy I didn't even know sit in my car alone with me late at night so I told him that I was going to spend the night at my boyfriend's house so I couldn't drive him home.

Yes!
The joke at our cub scout pack is that you know who the Mormons are by how often their kids bum rides home, because their parents drop them off, and then apparently fall of the face of the earth until the next week!

We had one when we lived in Kent, Washington, out in the country, back in the early '70s. As a young mom, with one toddler, I got succored into driving around and picking up about ten other kids and driving them ten miles,TO, AND BACK, from midweek Primary. I never once got a thank you. In fact, I never even saw a parent's head pop out the door and even wave. In the winter, by the time I dropped everyone home, it was dark, and way past dinnertime. My toddler would always have a complete meltdown, ruining the rest of the evening. I can't believe I was so naive and good hearted. At least she's an ExMo, too which helps. The culture is just insane when one steps back and observes it from a different angle.

The parents will come for their kids right away.

Bednar came and spoke here, he said that parents should force their children to come to church because they were baptized they had chosen which team they were on, the question shouldn't be are you going to church, it should be walk or ride? Apparently kids are choosing to ride..

We put a rule up right away in our family--no rides, ever 1) we have no room 2) liability issues 3) the previous leader was ferrying around all the kids and we weren't going to do that.

my stupid ass MORmON parents were so damn busy raising other ward member's kids that they scarcely knew what was going on with their own kids. as far as nurturing goes the table was bare, but my parents wanted full credit for being great parents even though they were CRAPPY parents because after all we were raised with the all compensating magic factor of having the MORmON gospel in our lives. they really dont like to hear it when I try to point out that their magic "M" factor MORmON gospel is really not beneficial at all and pretty damn toxic and detrimental at that. Thanks mom and dad !

Stupid damn dumb ass MORmONS!

I lived within one mile of both my middle school and my high school, which meant no school bus for kids in my neighborhood. In middle school (which was almost exactly one mile but not quite) the city sent a bus around my neighborhood and if kids had bus fare, we could take the city bus to school. Otherwise, it was hoofing it or riding our bikes. My middle school was in the middle of a crack ghetto, so I didn't want to leave my bike in front of it, even chained to the bike rack. Crackheads can saw chains or take the wheels off your bike and then you're screwed.

If I wanted to go to the mall or to a YW event, I could take the bus, ride my bike, or ask a friend. If I wanted to do anything, from the age of 12 on up, it was MY responsibility to figure out how I was going to get there. I wanted to take dance lessons, but my parents wouldn't A) pay for the lessons and B) drive me over there. So I didn't get to take dance until I was an adult.

So I'm a bit flabbergasted at the parents of Generation Snowflake who seem to think their precious, unique snowflakes can't walk half a mile or a mile, or ride their bikes to go to a friend's house or whatever. Back in my day, we had to walk uphill both ways in freezing rain just to get hot water. Now get off my damn lawn, you kids! :: shakes fist ::

I'm joking about that last bit, but I truly don't understand what happened in the world that made parents so sketchy about letting their kids have a little bit of independence and teaching them a little bit of responsibility.

On the flip side of that, as an adult, I am very uncomfortable asking someone else to give me a ride. For example, when I need to take my car into the shop, it kills me to have to suck it up and ask someone for a ride from and back to the shop. My parents made out like it was this huge personal affront to ask anyone to do anything for you, so I still struggle with feeling like a jerk because I have to ask someone else for help. Any time I asked my dad for help (like a ride) for something, his first response was, "Oh! We're friends now?" And by that he meant, he thought the only reason I spoke to him was because I wanted something from him, which was patently not true. So he'd shame me and make me feel guilty for not being able to do 100% for myself, and now as an adult, I feel like a piece of shit when I can't do 100% for myself. I'm overly effusive in my thanking and tend to go way overboard with "payback." For that ride to work after I drop my car off, I might bake someone cookies or buy their lunch. There's no need for that and I'm happy to do for other people -- I don't consider it an imposition at all. But I always feel like I'm imposing because my dad brainwashed me to think that asking for help is bad.

That's on the very far other end of the scale from "teach your kids a bit of independence and expect them to take responsibility for finding a ride home," which is only a little further down the scale from "drive your kid everywhere." There is no right or wrong here, I just find it a bit weird that tweens and teens aren't really given as much credit as we were when my generation was that age.

because of safety issues. I live in a small community outside Logan, Utah. When my daughter was in middle school, her best friend lived about a mile away. I drove her every time she went there. She would complain about being able to ride her bike or walk.

It just so happened a girl her age had disappeared in the area. Come to find out, the guy who killed her lived a block from her best friend's house.

It would be lovely if we could just let our kids out on their own, but we can't. It isn't safe even in little old Hyrum, Utah.

I was also required to walk home from middle school and high school, though my mother was in a carpool for mornings.

My kids would have loved to be able to have more freedom. I also drove my kids to middle school everyday and picked them up myself even though they could ride school buses because most of the bullying happens on school buses.

I wanted my kids to be safe--and so I willingly drove their friends around, too.

It did irritate me when a lot of the kids in the neighborhood would camp out at my house when they were preschool age. They'd be here all day and I'd have to send them home.

What always disturbed me is when I'd see kids that were obviously kindergarten age walking to school alone. As far as I was concerned, even a block was too far for a little kid to be walking to school alone.

My mormon parents always picked me up and my mom always drove her kids all around. We played any sport we wanted and us girls were always in dance lessons. My mom would spend her evenings with the little kids in the car driving from here to there and getting home around 9pm. I am sure she didn't enjoy it, but she did it.

However, my husband's parents would only drive him to church activities. If he wanted to play sports he had to find a ride home or walk (it was almost 10 miles from his house). So walking wasn't an option for him. He told me that once he was at soccer tryouts and his mom came and got him in the middle of tryouts for cub scouts. I can't even imagine having parents like that.

My husband and I are both the oldest of larger families which are spread out so we always had younger siblings.

I've seen this with their father and a few other parents around here. Mine are at an age where they tend to make plans with their friends, but forget to fill me in on it. I'm always on the phone with the other parents to work out the details. It's really amazing to me how other parents don't do this and just assume someone is going to be around and is okay with taking on an extra person. It's at the hands of Mormon when I haven't known where my kid is because they don't arrive on time or they go somewhere and don't touch base with me and I can't reach them. It's frightening, so I'm really all over making sure I have all kinds of information whether they're Mormon or not. As they get older, I suspect I won't have to worry quite as much because hopefully they'll have learned to work these things out on their own like I had to do when I was a teen. If I couldn't organize transportation by someone, I simply wasn't going.

To be fair, I think this type of behavior is common and not only among Mormons. My best friend works full-time outside the home and has an extremely busy schedule due to her daughter and stepson being involved in multiple extracurricular activities. Yet, because she is a kind person (and also, frankly, a bit of a doormat), other parents are always expecting her to pick up and drop off their kids to dance classes, gymnastics practice, whatever.... Or, other parents bring their kids over to hang out at my friend's place "for a couple of hours" then "forget" to turn on their cell phones until, say, 9:00 PM that night, so that my friend cannot call them to remind them to take their kids home. Her stepson's friends are mostly on the high school football team with him, and several are HUGE Samoan boys, whom my friend ends up feeding snacks and dinner as well. Her grocery bill is sky-high as a result.

I have another friend who had a similar thing happen to her with a family in her neighborhood who fobbed their poor kids off on her on nearly a daily basis until she finally had a talk with the them (the parents, that is). None of these people are Mormon--just selfish jerks.

When I was active, I spent 20+ years in scouting. I was AMAZED at how many parents wouldn't even pick up their kids after a church activity. Geez, in the non-LDS scout troops, many parents stayed for the entire meeting and helped out with committee jobs or such.

In the LDS church, BSA stands for BabySitters of America.

^+1000!
Our troop has tigers....try getting a 6 year old to give you directions! Thank goodness they had to learn their addresses & there's GPS or we'd still be driving around a week later! (Steam coming out of my ears)

Yes, a great number of them. I gave ride to kids gladly because of my calling and also if they were my kids friends. However, I started to get tired to see how I was running around to find out that little Joe's parents didn't pick him up because they went out of dinner or something like that. As my daughter got into an age to start making plans with friends I suggested that she also starts making plans on rides, I told her if I had to give ride to other kids I'd gladly do one, drop off or pick up, another parents had to help. That worked pretty well actually. However, they were parents who did 0 rides even though they were able to do it.

One time we had YM activity, we went downtown with the girls. One mom didn't arrive on time to church, even though we waited late and finally said she would drop off her of at the place we were visiting. She drops off the kids about 1/2 hr because the activitiy ends and by the time we turned around she was gone. The YW president was mad. This mother couldn't wait for the kids. I offered her a ride, no big deal for me that day. But... as the months went on, we got tired of that same pattern with this lady, she expected us to give or arrange rides for her daughter. The daughter was a lovely kid so I felt bad for her, but the mom would just drop her off and then take off.

D

Wow, I am amazed at how many of you just give up and drive kids home. Mormon or not, they are not your responsibility!

My mom and my TBM sister (who learned from mom) had the perfect solution when kids said they needed rides home from an activity because their parents weren't coming. They would say, I will wait with you ten minutes, then I am calling the police. And they did. And told the police that these were not their kids and they had no idea where the parents were but they had to get home. And then they left, leaving the police to deal with the situation.

You had better believe no parent ever dared not show up to pick up their kids ever again.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 03/01/2012 03:49PM by nwmcare.

nwmcare Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Wow, I am amazed at how many of you just give up
> and drive kids home. Mormon or not, they are not
> your responsibility!
>
> My mom and my TBM sister (who learned from mom)
> had the perfect solution when kids said they
> needed rides home from an activity because their
> parents weren't coming. They would say, I will
> wait with you ten minutes, then I am calling the
> police. And they did. And told the police that
> these were not their kids and they had no idea
> where the parents were but they had to get home.
> And then they left, leaving the police to deal
> with the situation.
>
> You had better believe no parent ever dared not
> show up to pick up their kids ever again.

WOW! THAT is a brilliant solution. I haven't had to deal with this problem personally yet, but I will keep that in mind for the future.

I love that -- calling the cops. That would solve the problem quick. Did it ever scare the hell out of the kids, maybe thinking they were in trouble?

My BF teaches martial arts and stopped taking kids in his classes. He will accept kids, but he requires the parents to stay and take the class with the kids. "I am not a babysitting service!" he says. He told me that countless times, he's been sitting in his car with someone's kid, waiting a half-hour or more than an hour for the parent to come pick 'em up. He would be in a terrible liability position if he just drove 'em home himself -- what if there was an accident and the kid got hurt? What if the kid is messed up to begin with and starts making up tales about being molested by his Kung fu teacher? My BF wants no part of putting himself in a vulnerable position like that (and that would go against the principles of kung fu anyway), so if you want to sign your kid up for his classes, you better be prepared to learn a little kung fu yourself.

The one time it happened when I was with my mom (Girl Scouts, ca. 1960 something) the girls thought it was cool riding in a police car, but it put the fear of God into the moms. They were always there in the carpool lane on time from then on.

I know she did it again for some other school activities, etc., and my TBM sister did it a few times for various activities. I can't say if the kids were scared, but it sure lit a fire under the parents! They were either there to pick up or made arrangements ahead of time from then on.

I saw this all the time in college. A lot of the parents in our ward expected other parents, or even worse, other families' OLDER CHILDREN drive their kids around. I'm sorry, but no way would I let my kids in the car with a 16 year old driver, I don't care how responsible the 16 year old is! The same parents also expected the college students to babysit their kids with very little advance notice and usually without pay, so they could go to the temple. Judging by the number of divorces in our ward, I think they should have gone to non-LDS marital counseling instead of worrying about goofy temple rituals.

So, update. I told my son to come home now, and he did. He was mad at me, and I said we need to talk about this, and I told him that I can't always do it, and I should not feel guilty or be made to feel guilty about it.

He said they were going to have to walk home, yeah right. And for the poster who said we need to let kids walk, it was a raging windy snow storm, and while the kid who lived at least 2 miles away had a path, the one that lived over 4 miles would have had to walk up and down a dark road that was slick, visibility was down, and in the dark on the bike lane. I won't let my kid walk that, it is too dangerous. So, I knew the moms would not let them do that.

Today one of the kids came home with my son and I asked him how he got home, and he was like, oh, my mom came and picked us up and took the other kid home. This was the mom at the rec center, so I'm guessing she didn't come till after 9:30, which would have pissed me off. My son's bedtime is 9, and he was safe and sound in it.

So, I will have to work on this. They did walk to the other friends today, but daylight, warmer, etc. I still worry alot. But I said "I will pick you both up at 6:30, period". So, that's it. So I will just have to be fair about it, but firm.

My son usually will take it ok if I say I can't and no, and just stay home. I go to school at night and late in the day, so he knows he has to work around it. He just thought I would be cool with leaving my schoolwork last night and driving other peoples kid through a snowstorm. He has a big heart. I don't know what I'm going to do when he starts to drive, as he will want to give everyone rides. He has 1 year, so we will have to work on that.

I remember when I was in YW. I increased my insurance coverage for the very reason I knew some girls didn't have health insurance, and I didn't want to lose everything because of an accident. I had to drive many of them around, but I didn't mind it then. One girl thought that was amazing that I would do that, but it was for her that I did. Go figure.

Oh, and NO one makes their kids wear seatbelts---definetely mormon trait!!! Drives me crazy!!

Ok, I'm done. it's really interesting to hear everyones take on this and the stories!!!

I don't have a problem driving if it's not too far out of my way...like they live real close and in the neighborhood; otherwise, I expect some trade-off here and there, or they foot me some cash or me likewise for gas...I'm busy too...let's share the joy.

The level of non-communication has been a bigger problem recently, not horrible, but not right. I feel like I'm encroaching on new ground and probably some of these parents are in the same boat while we learn...as we get after our kids and remind them --> you have to tell the drivers and the money-bags what's going on! :)

Extracting a phone number or getting the other parents to call me has been a real problem. The number of kids who don't know their phone numbers, parent's cell phone numbers, or even their home address is astoundingly scary.

I can't put all of this on Mormon, but I can say that in my experience, as a whole, Mormons are the most problematic. They seem have this level of trust and obedience and perhaps a real need to be glad to not have one more responsibility, that they just kind of go with the flow, I guess...what-ev...which may work in their world, but does not go well in mine. :) Fret about bloomers and R-rated movies and hot chocolate in a Starbucks cup, but not know or care where your kids are or transportation? Really odd divide Mormons have.