As a returned missionary, I was highly encouraged to get married as soon as I got the first chance.However, I wasn't too sold on that idea for various reasons.

One, I was too horny right out of my mission that I was concerned that my raging hormones were going to cloud my judgment.

Two, I've seen too many young couples over rely on parents and inlaws to make ends meet.

Three, I was afraid that if I got married to early then I ran the risk of meeting someone who I would consider to be a better option. That was my main concern and it still is, settling down and then meeting my real dream girl.

And last but not least, the whole "for time and all eternity" aspect of it scared me. I was honest enough with myself to admit that perhaps I didn't have it in me to want to be with someone that long.

But enough about me, how about you? What's your take on an LDS marriage?

I got married too fast after my mission. We had two things in common; Church and wanting to get married before we had sex.

I've had some serious regrets, yes. I wish I had waited and given it more thought. Here I am 30 years later, still married. Now, that I'm out of church, we don't even have that in common. I don't know how much longer we'll last.

The church puts so much pressure on youth to marry young (because they are afraid they'll lose them otherwise). If they really cared about families they would emphasize having a good marriage, not just an early marriage.

being Most Anything associated with Mormonism is a rather long list of Expectations which ALL REVOLVE around the people filling cookie-cutter molds (or, Green Jello molds, haha).

If Molly marries Peter Priesthood, and their expectations are the same, Neither does much thinking about DNA, blacks/priesthood, Book of Abraham, etc etc etc. it can strangely work out.

But, if you subtract one or two elements.....Watch Out!

My first husband was 21 and I had just turned 18 when we were married for eternity. They were right about one thing, 24 months was like an eternity.

As far as the mormons are concerned, we are still together forever. Never mind I haven't seen or talked to him for 40 years.

I was seriously pressured by my family to get married right after my mission... So I found an 18 year old who had some similar interests...she turned 19 two months before we got married for "time and all eternity"...

She cheated on me just over a year later (that I know about). 6 months of trying to get her to stop seeing the guy and me getting walked all over were a 6 month eternity for me...

Our marriage lasted all of 21 months...and the last 3 were working out the divorce paperwork...

I now am married to a wonderful woman whom shares my ideals about religion (now that I have found the Morg is not true)...and we have been married for 5 1/2 years. Shows you what the pressure does to people...

Oh and after I got divorced, I went back to a singles ward, and NONE of the women would go out on even 1 date with me, because I had the "Reject" stamp of divorced on me.

Nice enough person. The narcissism of a 6th generation BIC though, and that includes entire family. I'm a convert and a village idiot!!! What the hell did I know in my 20"s. SWK told us, any 2 TBM's can make it work out. Thanks gay man...no offense!

Yet, hasn't been a horrible experience. Just not well suited for each other. With an ever present feeling that something is/was missing. Sorta sad.

And now that I know the truth about TSCC, and she is firmly entrenched as a TBM, seems as though we are even less compatible.

But the greatest kids and grandkids that any parent and grandparent has ever had!!! So......

I met a nice, tall good looking guy. Religion wasn't involved at first -- he was a self-admitted "Jack" Mormon and it just didn't come up much. We dated for about five or six months. I'd never had anyone come on to me that hard or that fast -- ever. After I met his extended family the poop hit the fan. The worst part was how such a seemingly strong independant guy caved in -- I didn't expect that.

have any clue what kind of person I wanted to be with. I had lot's of opportunities to get married but I wanted to figure out my life first. I did. Got married at 34 and I couldn't be happier.

Same here. I was that age when I married my TBM DH. Yup, I'm a cougar in that he's younger than I am. We only had two kids. I am so glad I had a career before I settled down. I don't work as much now with him being deployed and all.

Mine was somewhat in reverse. We were married for 15 years and had a good marriage. Nice home,,self business,,great kids,,great sex life,,,the works. Then she got active with the mormons,,wanted to go through the big house. Wanted me to re-join and get sealed,,whatever. Within a year,,lost the business,,divorced,,lost the house,,,was broke. She moved back home with TBM family. Never remarried,,wonder why??

We were 22 and couldn't keep our hands off each other and needed to get married and fast. That was 1971, and we're still together. The marriage-saver was that we waited for three years to get pregnant, and had our first after four years. The whole thing about me leaving the church has made life rough, but it had got a bit rough before that for a few years, possibly because I became a sharp critic of the church. It's not the best, but I'm sure that it's cheaper than divorce, what?



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 03/10/2012 11:25AM by cludgie.

LDS Marriage only works if everyone stays within the LDS defined roles. Any deviation, or individual thinking, outside of those rigid lines causes the train to go off of the tracks.

The husband must be a upwardly mobile career man, or entreprenuer, so they can afford the big house needed to have a million kids. Bonus points if he has upwardly mobile priesthood leadership goals. Even if he doesnt, as long as he presents the proper image, and allows his wife to walk all over him, that will do.

The wife, must remain a sweet spirit at all times. She must be willing to welcome as many spirit children into the world as possible, and satisfy her husband's physical needs. Everything else is secondary.

Daughter must be cute, perky, obedient to the priesthood at all times, and revere temple marriage as her number 1 goal.

Son must be overly adult and mature, and into "manly" things like sports or scouting. Must aspire to be a missionary, above anything else..and must attend college with the goal of becoming a doctor,lawyer or some other field that provides a reasonable chance at a 6 figure income.

ANY deviation from the above causes a crisis.

even at my most TBM I never bought into the get married young idea. I was 24, and I admit that was young. But at least I was graduating from College and my soon to be wife and I agreed to hold off on having kids until we were financially stable. Which we did (we waited 5 years). My wife and I lived in Provo because it's where I got my first job (not because I went to byu), and I used to "council" the youngin's in my Ward to bag the notion of coming home from a mission just to get married. I openly mocked the 1st Presidency stance and insisted youngin's wait until they are graduated from college or trade school, or financially solvent before getting married. I was just looked at as some liberal (because of that and the fact that I didn't go to the the la'rds one true University). I just realized it was 12 years ago around this time that I decided that the "church" was nonsense. Good times.

Good for you for teaching reality compared to Provo! :-D

I'm from the end of the generation that actually believed in the whole Saturday's Warrior - one and only - romantic drivel. Compound that with the fact my patriarchal blessing actually comes out and tells me I need to look for one particular individual and the fact I wasn't naturally attracted to Peter Priesthoods and you have someone who really had some messed up ideas about marriage. I really thought I would "recognize" the guy when I saw him. While it saved me from marrying some lame Peter Priesthood at BYU, it still had me stressed out about "finding" the right guy. I didn't get married til my late 20s, which didn't stress me out because I "knew" I couldn't marry just anyone the way other girls did. The bad side was when DH and I were engaged, I kept having serious doubts but would pray about it and felt that I had indeed found the one - so I mashed down doubts I probably should have listened to.

Worse, I expected marriage to be wonderful - what with finding my one and only finally. Instead it was just awful for a lot of years. DH comes from a TBM family but definitely isn't a Peter Priesthood. I was always stressed out about our family not being what my friends had. DH also had ADD, which was undiagnosed for years. Furthermore, I didn't understand the sense of entitlement a BIC, Utah Mormon priesthood holder had. It was a disaster for years and only got tolerable when his ADD got diagnosed. Finding out the church was a hoax was literally what saved our marriage because I finally quit worrying about DH keeping up the proper image, I realized why he did some of the stupid passive-aggressive stuff and since he was actually supportive of me leaving the church, I finally got that he loved me despite his crazy-making behavior. Now we actually have a basically happy marriage. At the end of the day, we are best friends but marriage is probably one step too far. We aren't the best married couple. We probably should have just stayed friends. I feel cheated out of a lot of things like love and romance and that feeling of being comfortable with a guy that I had with some of the guys I dated. On the other hand, I talk to DH about EVERYTHING, where most of my LDS friends have no idea what is going on with their spouse. They have separate but parallel lives where at least I have a very, very good friend.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 03/10/2012 01:38PM by CA girl.

Kinda sounds like my marrriage. We both have ADD (he can do passive aggresive at times as well) although he won't fess up to having it (does better in very structed environments like the military and better to be around when he's working and then coming home). He is more TBM than I am but loves me in spite of my disaffection. I stay in TSCC to keep peace with him and for the kids.

"a whole parade of gays juggling fire and making out."

Sounds like my weekend. :)

I am not a Mormon, but I foolishly married at 24 with no collage degree and a minimum wage job. To top it off, I was immature, selfish, and childish. I'm amazed that we lasted the 5 years that we did.

I didn't re-marry until I was 37, had a career, and had gown up, and had done therepy. We are still married 15 years later.

I have never been Mormon and I never will, but I swear the church's attitudes about marriage have got to be more unhealthy to the family than a whole parade of gays juggling fire and making out.

Wow, I just re-read my earlier post and realized how many times I used the word "stressed". I was stressed out about not finding the right one but never stressed about being single at my age but stressed about DH not being a Peter Priesthood. Somehow, that seems to be the most concise condemnation of Mormon marriage customs I can come up with...stress.

It was the best that ever happened to me! I had married before in an other Church but it truned out to be a mistake. My Templemarriage is doing fine. Do we have difficulties yes, do we have trials yes, but we have the same aim and we know we re not perfect.

I was a morgbot in thought:

After my mission I was excited for marriage to another RM, glorious sex, and together-foreverness. The only aspect that came true was marriage to another RM. We were divorced five years after we left the church.

Just dandy. Married at 19, Hubby was 20... Both were TBM hardcore. Celebrated 13 years in January, have 4 kids, a dog, a mortgage, and no religion. Life is swell.

A little over a year after I came home from my mission, I found myself in a marriage to a TBM “white but not delightsome” woman. At the time it seemed the right thing to do, but a few years and two children down the road, the woman changed for the worse and I could see that I had made yet another very-very bad decision to marry so young because of the pressures from the Mormon Church.

Bitter quarreling began early in this marriage and it always revolved around the church whether it is tithing, church callings or not being home because of excessive church meetings. I also could not earn enough money in her eyes because she wanted and bought on credit many material things immediately that normally take years of work and savings to get.

In the 6th year of this “Celestial” marriage, she began to involve herself with a group of LDS women that were into the “Recovered Memories” fad nonsense of the late 1980’s. This group, which was run by a mormon convert con man in our ward, met weekly to share whatever so-called repressed memories that surfaced that week and would “process” them together to try and "heal" them.

This con man passed himself off as a licensed therapist and was billing these women’s insurance in order to get money. It was later learned that he never was licensed or trained to be a psychologist and had been fired from LDS Social Services for lying on his application.

Each week my ex-wife would come home after these sessions and start saying all kinds of horrible things about her family and how they sexually abused her etc….I knew where this would eventually end up, and that would be on me. But I still tried to salvage the marriage the best I knew how anyway.

Frequently I would do things for her such as clean the house myself or volunteer to take our children for the day so she could have a day to herself and many other similar things that would make the other wives in the ward jealous. It did get back to me that my wife would complain about me publicly in the ward and they could not understand why she would feel that way about me because their husbands would do little if any of the things I did for her. No matter what I did for her, or how much I showed that I loved her, she would brush it off as phony meaningless acts of bribes for her love.

I tried countless times to build up our relationship but you cannot build or repair a relationship with someone who does not and never considers you as a human being with feelings, wants, and rights. To them, you are an inanimate object and the only purpose you exist is to serve them, In their thinking, “how dare you complain to them” about how you feel or if your needs are not being met.

To make a long and bitter story short, I reached the end of my rope with her arguments, her ungratefulness, and her spending us into near bankruptcy. I was giving all and doing all I knew how to do at the time to make her happy and receiving nothing in return from her but disgust. After 8+ years of this hellhole ‘Celestial’ marriage, I decided I needed to divorce this female as quickly as possible.

It was a terrible and bitter divorce and compounding its bitterness was the Mormon Church supporting her financially and paying for her attorney while never offering me a penny for any of my legal expenses. In order to conclude the divorce process, I had to threaten the Stake President and the Mormon Church with a lawsuit in order to stop the church from providing her cash to use against me as I found myself in the position of my limited funds vs the unlimited funds of the Church.

The Bishop of her ward attempted to pressure me into paying back the money they spent for her welfare needs (even though I was still paying all her bills) saying that it was a loan from the church that I was responsible for. When I asked that Bishop to provide me with the Truth-in-Lending documents and loan note with my signature for this money, he quit hounding me.

My ex-wife became such a nutcase that her own family encouraged me to divorce her as quickly as possible. A few of her siblings had to move across the US to get away from her because of her false accusations of abuse. I even received at work a couple of death threats from the ward members who were involved with her in this "Recovered Memories" nonsense. Are the Danites back?

Several times during the divorce process, her own lawyer would scold her because of her unreasonableness to conclude the divorce proceedings even after I gave her everything. Her lawyer could not believe that she wanted to drag on and on the process after I gave her everything and her half of the equity of the house. I kept the house. I guess her lawyer told her to end it or she would cease to represent her because the divorce process finally ended. I was now free of that female for good. What a relief it was to not have to deal with such an unbalanced person ever again.

My ex-wife also successfully poisoned our two children against me and so I have not seen them for over 24 years. To bring closure to this bitter chapter of my life and for keeping my sanity concerning my children, I have declared them dead and moved on.

I learned later from others that my ex-wife had privately told them, years before our divorce, that she never loved me from the start of the marriage and only married me to get out of her poverty and that maybe she could “learn” to love me. Hearing this made all the pieces fall together for me as to why she never returned my love. She had none to begin with. So that Spencer W. Kimball nonsense that “two people living the gospel could make a marriage” is a bowl of shit and I have in front of me the divorce papers to prove it.

After going through all this and losing my children forever, any smoldering embers of faith I might have had in the divinity of the Mormon Church or any embers of faith that God cared about me in any way where extinguished, never to be re-lighted.

Families are forever…yeah, right.

My heart goes out to you, a decent guy, who entered the Mormon marriage funhouse and came out with his sanity.

Focusing on the positive, there are plenty of former members who can't say that. You were a victim, period, not your fault. You have made the best of a horrendously unfair situation.

When you realize on a deep level that you were tricked, it helps you release all the guilt. Doesn't help the loss of your children but at least you can celebrate the fact that you got out of it still alive.

I hope you have the ability to enjoy your freedom from Mormonism and maybe even find a woman who can love you completely for who you are, not for what role you can fulfill, or for what you can do for them.

Best

Anagrammy

Mormonism messed up his mind in so many ways, I blame the Morg at least 50% for the failed marriage.

I had an LDS marriage in as much as my old bishop married us...outside...on the lawn at my parents farm...no church...but I married a wonderful Catholic girl...and it stuck...39 years this coming June...

After hearing these stories, I'm so glad I fled from my first marriage after only 24 months.
No kids. Owned nothing. He was like a long bad date.

I had much the same experience as you OP. I just could not make such a big decision so quickly and with so little preparation. Now I'm a 32 year old single guy who is no longer mormon and I still have the same outlook on the whole thing.

most mormon marriages are all about fulfilling roles and not about each other.

always trying to please the man (eg, the bishop, the in-laws- the prophet, the gods, mormon callings, etc)

always somebody else in between everywhere: in good times and in bad times.

the MORmoN eternal companion/ eternal marriage concept is rabidly toxic to reality and actually building a functional marriage relationship.