Some are silly, others are more serious and meant to reflect the answers I always shared as a missionary.

Compare to:
http://www.mormonnewsroom.org/article/mormonism-101#C13

-What are the core beliefs of the church?
Joseph Smith was a prophet, the Book of Mormon is the word of God, and the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is God's true church, restored in our day after centuries of apostacy. God continues to speak to his children through prophets and apostles, just as in Christ's time. Through the restored priesthood power and temples we can live with our families forever.

-Are Mormons Christian?
Of course, you fool! We blew up the name Jesus Christ on our logo to make this clear. Can't you read? We even lectured our members and the press to stop calling it the Mormon church and to refer to the church by its full name, until it was decided that "Mormon" had a good ring to it that people recognized and intellectual reserve began trademarking the name around the world, with some success. Christians are any people who believe that Christ will save them from their sins. It does not matter that we downplay Jesus by emphasizing works, implementing proxy baptism, and special ceremonies to exalt our members. You still must earn your way to heaven despite what Jesus did.

-What do the Mormons believe about God?
God was once a man and has a physical body of flesh and bones. His true name is Elohim and he lives near a star named Kolob.

-Do Mormons believe in the trinity?
No. God, Jesus, and the Holy Ghost are three separate and distinct personages. The Holy Ghost is a personage of Spirit, while God and Jesus have physical bodies.

What is the Mormon View of the purpose of life?
The purpose if this life is to obtain a mortal body, use our agency to be tested and prepare to live with God again someday.

-Do Mormons believe in the Bible?
Yes, but only as far as it is translated correctly.

-What is the Book of Mormon?
The Book of Mormon is the most perfect book and a man can get closer to God by abiding by its precepts than by any other book. The Bible is a record of God's dealings with his children in the old world, the Book of Mormon is a record of his dealings with his children in the new world. Written on gold plates by ancient prophets and translated by Joseph Smith looking into a hat with a peep stone, the book is the cornerstone of our faith. Did you know that Christ also visited the Anericas after he died and was resurrected? As the bible tells us, "other sheep I have which are not of this fold."

-What is a Mormon temple?
An expensive white building that only members of the church who pay ten percent of their income to the church, refrain from coffee, alcohol, or smoking, and buy their underwear directly from the church can enter into after sitting in a room alone with another man and answering questions about their adherence to other church precepts and ocassional questions about their private sex lives. If answered correctly, the member is given golden ticket good for two years of entry into the temple, where he or she can can do all sorts of ordinances for dead people, including baptisms abd marriages, which people, contrary to church public pronouncements, they have never heard of before. A Mormon temples are also used for weddings, though non-Mormons or Mormons whose golden ticket has expired may not enter and be part of the wedding(you can do whatever you want during the two years since the lay leaders of the church are humans and often don't like to do interviews more regularly).

I sooooo wish they'd call me for janitorial duty so I could tell them why I'd rather NOT clean their joint...

-Do Latter-day Saints believe in modern-day prophets?
Yes. The Lord has said, "Whether it come from my mouth or the mouth of one of my servants, it is the same." Prophets speak directly with God and receive revelations from him, although no revelations have been adopted into the church's Dictrine and Covenants in over one hundred years. Yes, an official declaration gave blacks the priesthood in 1978, but it was not an important enough revelation to be assigned its own section. Some of the more recent revelations include building a five billion dollar shopping mall, cracking down on gays, using focus groups to come up with the "I'm a Mormon" ad campaign, outlawing the proxy baptism of holocaust victims, and, my personal favorite, firing all the janitors so I could become one.

-Do Mormons believe that the apostles receive revelations from God?
Yes. All apostles are prophets, seers, and revelators. Once they have spoken, the thinking is done. Mormons are taught to obey their leaders, even if the leaders are wrong because they will be blessed for their obedience. Mormons promise never to criticize their leaders.

-Do women lead in the church?
Yes, but only other women. Women lack the physical anatomy necessary to hold the priesthood. Women know their place in the church. A women cannot tell a man what to do. Women are taught to obey their husbands in the temple. A woman who is the wife of a leader is privy, however, to the confidential information shared to them by their leader husband.

-Do Mormons believe they can become Gods?
Yes. Isn't it wonderful! We don't teach this, however.

-Do Latter-day Saints believe "they will get their own planet?"
Yes. Isn't that cool? But only for select Mormons that are worthy of the equivalent of business class on the heavenly airplane ride.

-Do some Latter-day Saints wear temple garments?
Only some. It is not a widespread practice. The underwear must be purchased directly from the church. Mormons are instructed to wear it day and night and not to remove it for gardening or other activities where the activity can be performed reasonable well with the garment on. Garment bottoms hang below the knees. Garment tops do not allow for wearing of tank tops or usual summer attire. Most Mormon women wear their bra on top of the garment.

-Do Latter-day Saints practice polygamy?
Not necessarily. Mormon marriage is called temple sealing. In certain cases, a man can be sealed to multiple wives at once. If his wife dies, the sealing is still vid, even when the man remarries and is sealed to another woman. Polygamy was clearly core doctrine of the church up until 1890, having been endorsed by Joseph Smith, Brigham Young, and other prophets and remains on the books. Unlike the change giving blacks the priesthood, polygamy remains enshrined in Doctrine and Covenants action 132.
Polygamy remains an eternal principle and it will be practiced in heaven.

-What is the position of the church regarding race relations?
The church continues to instruct young people to marry someone of their same racial background. See aaronic priesthood lesson manual.


I could go on and on. Pretty good pr spin the church has done.

I have a physical disability and couldn't clean the church if I wanted to.

It didn't stop them from asking though.Actually it was more like telling me what I was going to do.
I told the bishop (who knows my circumstance) I hire somebody to clean my house. Then I told him my house keeper would love to clean the church. However, she doesn't work for free. When they decided to pay their help I would be happy to give him her number.
I'm still amazed they asked/told me.

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