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Posted by: Pixie Dust ( )
Date: March 22, 2012 10:53PM

A neighborhood woman and her husband were walking down the street on an afternoon walk. When she tried to walk down my driveway to see what I was doing in my yard, her husband said, "No. Don't go down there." She asked why she could not. He replied, "Because I don't want you to." This was several months ago.

Now she won't even speak to us nor wave which she had done so for over a decade. We always wave at her and her husband.

New neighbors next door attend her ward. I waved as I was mowing the lawn this afternoon. She by passed me without waving and waved to the new neighbors while they were in their yard.

I know that I should chock it up to her acting stupid and being in a cult, but why does this hurt so much?

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Posted by: Rebeckah ( )
Date: March 22, 2012 10:58PM

I'd say the best cure for it is to find some REAL people to be friends with and make sure to have a happy, noisy get-together right out front of your house with them for all the neighbors to see. Living well and being happy really is the best revenge -- mostly because YOU get to be happy. You know those poor women aren't.

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Posted by: liminal state ( )
Date: March 23, 2012 03:04PM

"Living well and being happy really is the best revenge -- mostly because YOU get to be happy."


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Posted by: robertb ( )
Date: March 23, 2012 12:07AM

and being accepted and part of a social group is essential to us. Not so long ago it was essential to our physical survival as well as our emotional well-being. So being rejected really hurts. I'm sorry you are being treated so badly. You don't deserve it and I hope you will find a caring circle of real-life friends as well as us here.

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Posted by: DNA ( )
Date: March 23, 2012 06:40AM

I agree with Robertb, and additionally it may cause hurt because it sometimes causes people to go backwards in our memories, and have to rewrite them.

For example, prior to leaving you may have thought that these people liked you because you were a good neighbor who was kind and considerate. And right now you know that you still are a kind and considerate neighbor, but they don't like you anymore.

Because of this, it may then force you to go backwards in history and rewrite what you thought prior.

So maybe they only liked you because you were part of the same club as them, and it had nothing to do with you as a person. Perhaps you could be any faceless person, and as long as you go to the same club you will be treated well by them, but if you aren't in the club, then they won't.

None of us wants to be just a number to our neighbors. We want to be liked for who we are as a person. You are the same person, but that isn't good enough for them. It hurts to have to go back and rewrite the history that you enjoyed together.

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Posted by: lulu ( )
Date: March 23, 2012 11:48AM

you are being ejected from you tribe.

It hurts and will take awhile to adjust to.

One thing that helped me was learning that Gandhi was excommunicated from his caste.

I'm sure it hurt him too.

But who would you rather be like, Gandhi, the a-hole man in your driveway, or his wife who lets him push her around?

Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 03/23/2012 11:53AM by lulu.

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Posted by: deconverted2010 ( )
Date: March 23, 2012 12:25AM

I've heard that the opposite of love is not hate, but ignoring the person, like in shunning. I think that it hurts because it is arrogant and it is like if they think they are better than you are, they are putting you down to make themselves feel better.

I have neighbours like that, non-mormon. When I moved to where I live now, the next door neighbour wife immediately talked to me and I thought she was friendly but no, she is actually pretty rude and started ignoring me. So one day, I saw her she saw me and I turned my head and went inside my home. Yes, like junior high behaviour, but I wanted to show her that I had less desire to talk to her than she had to talk to me. =) It did make me feel better. The husband is not like that, only the wife.

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Posted by: vulturetamer ( )
Date: March 23, 2012 01:10AM

Ugh. Shunning. I could write a book. :( I know I'm not the only one here who has been through it. It is painful, no doubt. Just know that you aren't alone, and that the previous comment about living well in spite of them, is good advice.

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Posted by: Cheryl ( )
Date: March 23, 2012 06:49AM

I'm sorry about your rude neighbors.

Still, this behavior shows us why we were smart to leave a church that condones such bad treatment.

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Posted by: unworthy ( )
Date: March 23, 2012 10:50AM

Been there done that. I have lived in thes TBM neighborhood for years and still very few neighbors will acknowlege me in any way shape or form. Kinda think of it as a badge of pride now. I do have my Sunday Bar-B-Q parties and beer drinking friends over. Have to admit most of them leave me alone and realize thats just me.

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Posted by: WiserWomanNow ( )
Date: March 23, 2012 11:04AM

Read this; it may help:

And continue to expand your circle of friends who love and appreciate you for who you are now!

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Posted by: me ( )
Date: March 23, 2012 11:36AM

Just a more refined application of blood atonement. Accompanied with malicious gossip, it can so surely induce depression that without help, it can accomplish the same end.

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Posted by: sd ( )
Date: March 23, 2012 11:15AM

truth face of Mormonism. This is cult behavior pure and simple. It is certainly borne in any teaching of Jesus.

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Posted by: robertb ( )
Date: March 23, 2012 11:22AM

If you felt angry rather than hurt, how angry would you be? I ask because women, especially within Mormonism, are socialized to feel "hurt" because anger isn't permissible. I don't know if this is true for you, but I had the thought, and in your situation some anger might be protective.

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Posted by: anonaholic ( )
Date: March 23, 2012 12:02PM

Shunning is meanspirited. I was shunned and it hurt.

However, I quickly made it my practice to force anyone who did the "shun" on me to talk to me. I would walk over and force them to deal with me. Under these circumstances it was harder on them then it was on me. I made them feel more discomfort then me, and it was empowering. I had the power, I found.

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Posted by: anonaholic ( )
Date: March 23, 2012 12:09PM

We are social animals. The shunner - unless they are a sociopath - is going to feel terribly uncomfortable if you approach them and make them deal with you. It will ruin their day, and empower yours.

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Posted by: satanslittlehelper ( )
Date: March 23, 2012 12:30PM

I the REAL world, it is usually mormons that are shunned. MOST people believe that mormons are rather odd at best and offensive at worst. MOST people do NOT look forward to their lives being invaded by teenagers trying to sell jesus door-to-door and find such behavior annoying as hell, assigned friends who drop by unannounced are just considered rude, and families who reject their loved ones because they disagree about beliefs are thought of as hateful.

Here is the good news.... When you are immersed in the homogenous world of mormonism you loose perspective. What is weird becomes so commonplace you except it as normal. BUT when you are out of the cult long enough, you begin to realize that the REAL world is full of a wonderful diverse mix of people. Some of them will not only accept and love you, they will wave back to be polite no matter what you believe.

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Posted by: Lethbridge Reprobate ( )
Date: March 23, 2012 12:30PM

Anybody that shuns is evil and not following the teachings of the savior they claim to represent....words cannot describe the disgust I have for shunning and for those who participate in that barbaric practice,,,,

Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 03/23/2012 12:31PM by Lethbridge Reprobate.

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Posted by: SusieQ#1 ( )
Date: March 23, 2012 12:31PM

Say hi and be pleasant and ignore her bad manners.

This is about her/them and not you.

I never give anyone permission to ignore or shun me on purpose!

One of the best things I ever learned was not to take anything personally. Takes practice~!

The basic principle:

The Second Agreement

Don't Take Anything Personally

Become immune to poison
The whole world can gossip about you,and if you don't take it personally, you are immune.
Immunity to poison in the middle of hell is the gift of the Second Agreement

From: The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz

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Posted by: me ( )
Date: March 23, 2012 12:38PM

Been a while since I read that book. Might take another look at it. Thanks, as always, Susie.

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Posted by: SusieQ#1 ( )
Date: March 23, 2012 12:43PM

me Wrote:
> Been a while since I read that book. Might take
> another look at it. Thanks, as always, Susie.

I love the book! I also have the box of cards that goes with it. I took that quote off the cards. It might be in the book also, not sure.
It's all about empowerment in my view! Owing your own power! :-)

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Posted by: anagrammy ( )
Date: March 23, 2012 01:11PM

Thanks for that reminder, SuzieQ, and thanks for posting. I know you are in pain and I appreciate the effort it takes you to give us your thoughts.

The Four Agreements is absolutely wonderful. It is the Neosporin for the burn wounds of Mormon mindmeld. It is a moral framework that both members and non-members can agree with and remember as a family value system that is inclusive of apostates.

When you join Mormonism, you join the mental collective of identical thinking. You agree to allow the Q to make your moral choices based on their "wisdom" while you busy yourself with church jobs and making money and new members.

You do your part and one day you read or hear something that breaks the spell. You realize they care nothing about the welfare of your children--whether they get the braces that will straighten their teeth and eliminate them being the butt of constant bullying...whether they have enough protein or a warm jacket or new shoes. Or whether they ever have one-on-one time with their own parent. They are, in fact, a parasite on your family resources, sucking and sucking on the pretext of offering you value in the next life.

You are outraged that you have been tricked and exploited. Those who are still in the mindmeld view you as "the other" now because you have left the thoughtpool. You have done the unthinkable, you have thought for yourself.

In the movie, "The Body Snatchers," the podpeople pointed and screamed at those who were not assimilated.

You are being pointed at.

You are being screamed at. They must stop the virus of free thinking BECAUSE IT IS SO ATTRACTIVE. If they stay friends with you, the church figures, they will see for themselves that you are a) happier b)healthier c)wealthier d)not under the control of Satan.

It's not personal--it's about their survival. Here's an interesting thought-- why do some religions practice shunning and others don't? If it were so successful, why don't they all do it?

I'll bet Baura or Bona Dea or any of our other illustrious historians could give us some perspective on the cultural practice of shunning as a tribal strategy.

I'm happy you are a free human now :)


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Posted by: deconverted2010 ( )
Date: March 23, 2012 12:48PM

I like anonaholic's comments. He makes them talk to him and gets his power back. It makes me think that a person who shuns thinks he/she is the one with the power, but you're left to feel ignored. It's probably a hard thing to do, to approach someone who's ignoring you because you don't know the reaction, but it's probably better than pretending it is not happening. In mormonism, we're taught to pretend things do not exist. =)

What about just saying hello with a big happy smile, that would surprise them, after well mormons are to be nice to keep the good image of the church.

I just thought of someone my oldest did. She used to complain about kids she knew from primary who now as YSA's would not talk to her. One day there was one girl that shunned her. She approached her and said, 'do you have a problem with me', the girl was thrown off guard and said no, they chatted for a bit and became re-aquainted. As a TBM mother I was appalled that my daughter would do that, but I have to say I do admire her direct approach, she is like that and I admire her more now than I do not believe in being a nice mormon who ignores issues instead of dealing with them.

Good luck,

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Posted by: nimmy-nonny-noony-anony-nono ( )
Date: March 23, 2012 01:09PM

I was shunned like that at my step-daughter's wedding, treated like I had a contagious disease or was maybe just a slut. I swear I did not meet the husb until he'd been divorced for awhile. I was purposely left out of any photos; when they went to take posed photos at the reception I went to follow along and they shut the door in my face. No one would speak to me at all except my husband who was oblivious, he acted like everything was just fine, and one drunken fellow, who was led away by one of the chief shunners.

Only reason I did not say anything was on account of my husband.

I figured it was her mother and sister, but I never knew how much my step-daughter herself hated me until the next few times we visited her... she would drag out the wedding albumevery freakin' time and say, "Oh, let's look at the wedding pictures!" knowing I was nowhere to be found in them. I wanted to scream: "You ungrateful little $&!+!!! I helped pay for your damn college education and I never got to go to college!"But of course I didn't.

It still hurts...

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Posted by: nonmoparents ( )
Date: March 23, 2012 01:21PM

I feel your pain! As I was reading your post, I was thinking to myself - this will probably be me at my step-daughter's wedding (someday). I've already announced to my hubby that if the TBM daughter gets married in the temple and she's still a TBM, I will not be attending the wedding. He thought about it and he's not sure he'll be attending either (if and when that day comes). I refuse to subject myself to this cult; to their crazy behaviors and beliefs; to the daugther, ex-wife and other family shunning and I will not play a part in this ABSOLUTE STUPIDITY . . . I simply refuse =)

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Posted by: knotheadusc ( )
Date: March 23, 2012 03:18PM

When I read about this kind of stuff, it makes me glad my stepdaughters don't speak to my husband or me. That kind of stuff is so hurtful and mean. Shoot, if it were me, I'd probably go ahead and voice that "You ungrateful little shit" speech.

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Posted by: Makurosu ( )
Date: March 23, 2012 04:56PM

That's really rotten. I'm sorry you went through that.

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Posted by: freebird ( )
Date: March 23, 2012 02:09PM

I believe part of the reason that it hurts so much is that their acceptance and opinion of you, still matters TO YOU!
I would disagree that this is about them and not you. It is still about YOU as long as what THEY do and say affect you. When you come to the complete realization that neither their acceptance or their opinions need to be a part of your life's pursuit of happiness, then it WILL be about THEM and they will have very little, if any impact on you emotionally! Thats just my two cents, which wont even buy a piece of bubble gum anymore! ; O

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Posted by: anonaholic ( )
Date: March 23, 2012 02:14PM

Shunning, like stoning, goes back to the bible. Its a stone-age mentality that is meant to hurt and exclude. To shun someone is to act as if they don't exist - as though they are dead.

It really hurts to be treated this way, and is meant to.

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Posted by: ExFundieNeverMo ( )
Date: March 23, 2012 03:29PM

Shunning is a form of bullying.

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Posted by: Lethbridge Reprobate ( )
Date: March 23, 2012 04:49PM

The GA's are always preaching about not letting Satan into our lives....well, if you participate in shunning, Lucifer has taken over your soul IMHO....

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