I've been practicing for years, and have still only gotten as far as being able to say it but then feeling guilty and having to remind myself that I shouldn't.

Of course, one should always say "no" to anything that keeps you from saying "yes" to the church.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 03/25/2012 06:25PM by Stray Mutt.

I have to laugh when exmos say they hate confrontation and that turns out to be simply and nicely telling someone maybe instead of yes.

I had to go to therapy to overcome that one.

In mormonism Saying no seems to be worse than saying the lords name in vain.

I still have to ask myself....what's the worst thing that could happen if I say no?

I said no to everything for a while, just so I could get the hang of it. It was extremely uncomfortable. Once I felt the freedom, there was no going back.

Good book on assertiveness: When I Say No I Feel Guilty.

Healthy boundaries allow people to say 'no'. No boundaries allow others, including organizations, to control and use you for their own purposes.

This is a hallmark of cults. The Mormon Church not a cult? Decide for yourself.

I don't say no.

I say, "That won't work for me." or

"Probably not" or

"Don't think so" or

"Maybe but don't count on me."

which all evolved over time into,

"Thanks but no. I don't (cook, go to church, walk dogs)."

It's a process.

:)

Anagrammy

an unembellished no is much for powerful for certain times when a stark negation is needed.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 03/26/2012 11:37AM by Cheryl.

Mormonism is a salesman's religion, and not only do you have to sell it to be a good member, you also have to give endorsements for the product yourself (along with doing extra work.) Remember, the greatest tool is salesmanship is perseverance; if you can go days without a sale and still be cold-calling, etc. you will win something.

She was quite embarrassed when she turned down the calling of RS president.

It was hard to learn to say no without having to get angry first. I still fall back into old habits once in a while.

So saying "no" hasn't been much of an issue for me. I imagine it must be terribly difficult if someone has a hard time turning requests down.

and it has been rather "amazing" the fallout of me saying NO for a change. One sister doesn't talk to me. I've lost a few friends (and not all mormon). I was always the one who just did whatever it took to get along. The first time I said, "No" to any of these people, they threw a fit and I haven't talked to several of them in 7 or 8 years.

I have a social anxiety, but not that much of a problem saying no if I really don't want to do something. I turned down a stake calling once by telling the SP that I needed to discuss it with my wife and pray about it. Then once I got away from him, I turned him down by phone. I was surprised by the way he raised his voice at me and started making accusations! Yeah, they are not used to being told no -- for sure.

The other trick they like to pull is to bring your spouse in to extend the calling. I would've said no to a couple of callings if my wife didn't know about them, but I either had to accept them or incur her wrath.

IMO Dear Prudence at slate.com is a master in explaining how to politely and firmly say no without offense.

I just thought of something else...It definitely gives rise to passive-agressive behaviour when someone feels like he or she can't say no. He or she feels bad about saying "No" but then turns around and doesn't show up or do whatever was agreed to do. I kinda understand why people do that, but it grates my nerves to no end.

For example, I had a friend that was a desperate people pleaser. She could never just come out and say no to anything from anyone. One time she lent her car (for a couple of hours) to a mutual aquaintance and that person didn't return until the next day, no apology, nothing. I don't know if other people experienced her PA retaliation, but I definitely bore the brunt of it.

Edit- This is in no way an attack on anyone. I was just relating an experience from the other POV.

I would invite her to come hang out at my house or meet up at a club and she would enthusiastically say "Yes" and then not show up. When I would ask her what happened, she had a zillion bizarre excuses like, "Oh, I got lost trying to get to your house" (she had been to my house many times before with no issues of getting lost) or "I knocked but no one was there" ( I was home the whole day and could hear anyone walking up and down the stairs)....stuff like that. It was very frustrating to get an honest answer from her.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 03/26/2012 11:31AM by Itzpapalotl.

As expressed at the start of this thread, unfortunately, the Mormon church reinforces exactly this behavior.

Often when a calling or assignment is given it is explicitly stated that it is directly from the Lord - to turn it down is to turn God down. Even if it is not explicitly stated it is commonly taught that this is the case - you never turn down a calling.

So what happens is that people accept all kinds of callings they don't want and in many cases can't handle. The result is that they do a halfway job. It's more the exception than the norm that a Mormon will "magnify" a calling.