After reading again here on the board about the importance of demonstrating to our TBM families/friends that we are living happily and successfully outside the cult, I wish to add another perspective.

While I agree in principle that it might be helpful for them to see that indeed one can be happy without the church, on the other hand it can also impose unnecessary stress on those who burden themselves with this idea.

My daughter and I left the church at about the same time, and we discussed this very issue. She wants so badly for her mother, (my ex-wife), to see her as happy and well-adjusted even after leaving the church. The truth is however, that her life is far from rosy. She struggles with anxiety and depression, marital discord, and a general lack of stability. She incurs a lot of added stress upon herself with the addition of this need to “prove” to her mother and others in the family that all is well in her life, when she knows full well it isn't.

I too dealt with this when I first left the church, and it was indeed a burden, as I felt that every time something went wrong in my life, my family would say, as Mormons do, at least to themselves, “Well, now if he were just keeping the commandments, God would bless him and he wouldn't be dealing with (name the problem here).” After some reflection, I came to the conclusion that I would be better off to forget about the whole idea of proving anything to anyone.

To wit, I am growing my hair long (just the way I like it), I go ahead and order beer with my meals when eating out with TBM family, and I don't worry whether I appear to have it all together or not.

For example: my current nevermo wife and I are discussing a possible parting of the ways, amicably, I might add. And again, with this possibility looming, I could just hear the old Mormon rumor mill going: "See!" they would say. "If only he hadn't left the one true church, this wouldn't happen!"

Now, I just don't care what they think or say. Truly, it matters not. And I can tell you, it's a lot easier this way.

All I have to do is be honest and authentic, and stop carrying the burden of proof. It's lightened my load, and that works for me.

Religious logic is inherently circular, very much a heads-I-win, tails-you-lose argument.
Whether you are doing well or not they'll find fault in it.
It's hard to do, but you have to recognize as a nonbeliever that believers, by definition, think you're deceived no matter what.
It's they who are are deluded, but not damned for it like they think of us.

Thanks for this beatnik. Since leaving, I've felt the pressure to appear perfect to my TMB family, which in my mind includes making more money than my TBM siblings, getting skinny, not appearing to "sin", and generally being in a good mood all the time (of course, none of this has happened).

Jeez...when I put it all down like that I sound just like a regular mo.

I've got to quit this, I'm missing out on all the fun of being an ex-mo.

Thanks for the push.

I think you feel that must do all the things you mention to "earn back" all the respect and self-worth they have taken from you.

I think you will never achieve that goal.

It certainly is satisfying if exmos are happier and more prosperous than their mormon counterparts. Unfortunately, there are no guarantees in life. We have to take it how it comes and it isn't helpful to stress over how TBMs interpret our ups and downs. Still exmos are human and tend to worry about it.

I admit it. I'm not fully comfortable with the idea that living well is such good revenge. Mormons tend to have their own take on whatever happens to us and I'm afraid there isn't much we can do to change that.

What a helpful thread--thank you!

Even if your life really is darned good, and you are an experienced amateur actor, and you look very well--the Mormons will INVENT stories about you! That's what happened to us!

Living well is indeed the best revenge, inwardly, if you are a secure person, and don't need to prove yourself to anyone. But, as Cheryl said, no matter what you accomplish, the Mormons will have their own take on it. In other words, they gossiped and lied about us. The children and I avoid Mormons, because we are don't like the box they put us into: offended, wicked, influenced by Satan, cast out of the Celestial Kingdom and separated from our loved ones in the hereafter, quitting the church because we want to sin, etc. We are NOT that, and people who think we are, need not be in our life.

Mormons in general, because of their beliefs, do not know who I am. They dislike and fear apostates, women, working mothers, divorced people, gays, people with dark skin, people from an ethnic culture. They want apostates to FAIL. Therefore, a believing Mormon can not be my friend.

I agree. I suppose it doesn't really matter what you do, they will judge as they have been taught to do. When I was TBM, it seemed as though the poor were not blessed so they must in some way be "unrighteous", and the rich were also "unrighteous" because they MUST be proud and arrogant because of their riches! It's a bit of a no-win situation.

I did think I had to prove that I could raise "good" kids without the church. Luckily, my adult kids and grand kids are great human beings. Now as a widow I'm still trying to be ME.
I was a wife. I was a mother. Now I'm ME.
It's not just the mormo expectation of me being a good person after leaving all religion........it's how I feel. Every day is a challenge to be ME. I'm trying to stay in love with life and it's ups and downs.

I do feel judged but it's really about them NOT me.

they see and interpret things in their own way.

My life was a f*cking mess as a mormon, but it is easy for everyone to look at it and think it became a mess when I went inactive. One lady in the neighborhood said, "When your husband chose to be gay after you guys went inactive."

You do have to get to a point you just live your life and not worry about it. My daughter is very tBM and right after she went back to the lds church, she wrote a letter to a friend and left it out for me to see (otherwise she hides things, so I know when I'm getting a message)--I couldn't believe how she saw me. I had just helped her do all kinds of things like make a small quilt for the very person she wrote the letter to. I was very hurt.

It is so much better being at this point--because I don't come off as defensive and she is seeing me more clearly and seeing that mormons have as many or more problems than I do. Our son has had a lot of problems and the old bishop's son (she is good friends with his wife) has at least as many problems as our son--and our son is coming out of it and their's isn't.

It doesn't do any good to try to prove anything to anyone. You just have live your life authentic to yourself.