Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about how factual evidence alone is not enough to convince most people to change their beliefs, no matter how ridiculous those beliefs might be. Now that I step back and look at my life as objectively as I can, I see that many of the things I was taught to be believe as a Mormon were utterly absurd. So I thought it might be funny to write a parody of a rationalist talking to a TBM by substituting a believer in Santa Claus instead of the TBM. The conversation might go something like this:

Rationalist: So, you honestly believe in Santa Claus?

Believer: Yes!

Rationalist: Have you ever seen him?

Believer: I don’t have to see him to believe in him. I have a testimony that there is a Santa Claus.

Rationalist: You mean to tell me that you really think there’s some fat guy in a red suit living at the North Pole who somehow has time to give toys to all the children in the world in a single night?

Believer: Oh! Be careful! If you speak such blasphemies against the Claus, you might end up on the naughty list!

Rationalist: I don’t believe in a naughty list.

Believer: Then how do you explain the fact that Santa doesn’t give you any presents at Christmas? You see, that proves it must be true!

Rationalist: Actually, I think the fact that Santa doesn’t exist might also explain why he doesn’t give me any presents. And in any case, isn’t he supposed to put a coal in my stocking if I’m naughty? So why don’t I get any coal?

Believer: Adulterer! Do not tempt Almighty Santa to give you signs! The coal practice was discontinued a long time ago! We believers no longer teach it. It isn’t doctrinal.

Rationalist: OK, so if Santa won’t give me any signs or proof that he exists, then why should I believe in him?

Believer: Well, first of all, you ought to have faith rather than relying on your fallible human senses. But in any case, I know that Santa exists because he gives me presents every Christmas! You see, I believe, and I’m on the good list!

Rationalist: Dude, that’s your parents giving you gifts secretly and pretending that it’s Santa.

Believer: Nonsense! My parents would never do that! Are you calling my parents liars? That’s a false accusation! No wonder you’re on the naughty list.

Rationalist: But don’t you think it’s strange that the handwriting on “Santa’s” presents is the same as your mom’s handwriting?

Believer: I’m sure there’s a perfectly reasonable explanation for that. Maybe Santa just delivers the gifts and then my mom labels them. I mean Santa is pretty busy, after all.

Rationalist: OK, well, how do you explain the flying reindeer? I mean, isn’t that just a little farfetched?

Believer: Nothing is impossible for Santa! He has the power of MAGIC!

Rationalist: Magic? Seriously? You believe in magic?

Believer: Oh, yes! I can feel the power of magic in my life every day! It’s because I have a magical feeling inside me that I know that Santa is real.

Rationalist: And I suppose it’s ‘magic’ that allows a 300-pound man to somehow fit down a chimney.

Believer: Yes! Now you’re starting to see the light!

Rationalist: But what about homes that don’t have a chimney?

Believer: I told you, nothing is impossible for Santa! He has the power of magic!

Rationalist: All right. But you know that explorers have been to the North Pole, and they’ve never found any evidence that there is or ever was a house with a jolly bearded guy and a bunch of elves. I mean the archeological evidence completely contradicts your story.

Believer: How do you know Santa doesn’t just use his magic to make his house invisible whenever someone looks at it? Because he could totally do that!

Rationalist: But if you research historical documents, you’ll see that Santa Claus is a children’s story that has evolved over the centuries. Scholars can prove that.

Believer: Your beloved “scholars” are just a bunch of flaming anti-Santas! All they ever do is lie about Santa! Why would you even bother to read anything they write? If you really want to know the truth about Santa, you should get your information from the people who have dedicated their lives to him!

Rationalist: Wow. Hey, wait a minute, I think I know how we can prove once and for all that there is no Santa. Why don’t you leave some milk and cookies for him and then sneak into the living room, or wherever you put the cookies, and wait for Santa to appear. I think you’ll find out that it’s your dad who’s eating the cookies.

Believer: So what if it is my dad? That doesn’t prove that the rest of the story isn’t true! Maybe Santa leaves the gifts and all my dad does is eat the cookies!

Rationalist: Hmm… well, you could also watch to see who puts the presents under the tree. I’ll bet it’s one of your parents.

Believer: It doesn’t matter! Maybe Santa magically puts the gifts in my parents’ room and then my parents put it under the tree.

Rationalist: It seems like Santa is really going out of his way to do things in such a way that the events of Christmas night could also be explained more easily by Santa’s non-existence.

Believer: That’s because Santa wants us to have faith! Only faithless weaklings need proof!

Rationalist: What if I could get your parents to admit to you that they were the one’s providing the presents and that Santa is just a myth?

Believer: That might prove that you’ve corrupted my parents with your insidious lies, but it wouldn’t disprove my beliefs in Santa.

Rationalist: But what if you stopped getting presents from Santa after your parents told you the truth?

Believer: Then I must be doing something naughty. That’s the only reason why I wouldn’t get presents from Santa.

Rationalist: But don’t you know whether or not you’re being naughty?

Believer: Only Santa can look into the heart of man and judge who is naughty or not.

Rationalist: It seems to me that Santa’s judgments about who’s naughty or not must be pretty arbitrary if you don’t even know whether or not you’re being naughty other than observing whether or not you get a present. And what about all the good little kids who are Jewish, Muslim, Buddhist, Hindu, atheist, or part of some other belief system? Why don’t they get toys?

Believer: They aren’t believers, so they’re automatically naughty, of course!

Rationalist: Well, I for one would rather live my life according to the dictates of my own conscience than fearing the unpredictable judgments of an imaginary being. And I would rather be good simply because I sincerely want to be good, instead of being good just to get a little toy once a year. And I prefer to treat all human beings with love and respect rather than falling into some elitist us-versus-them culture that treats people whose beliefs are different than mine as if they were inferior to me.

Believer: Well you can keep your precious knowledge and independence! I have my faith, and that’s all I need! Merry Christmas, you naughty anti-Santa!

Rationalist: Sheesh. I guess peace on Earth and good will toward men doesn’t apply to non-believers. I wonder how Santa would feel about that…