First of all, I do not hate the LDS Church. There are a lot of people I love who are still very dedicated to it and I respect their right to live as they believe. I do wish they would give me the same courtesy, but that's not likely to happen anytime soon. It (the LDS Church) is just not for me. I've known it for a long time, but it took even longer for me to follow through.

I was born into an LDS family. A very dysfunctional LDS family, but I didn't realize that until I was older. My mother was molested as a very small child, but no one knew it. She developed an Associative Personality disorder (not quite schizophrenia, but in the same family) to deal, something that has only been diagnosed in the past 10 years. Basically, it meant that anything that threatened the view of reality she had constructed was met with violence. She married my dad because he told her she was supposed to because he'd prayed about it and been told that. She was an obedient Mormon woman, so she gave up a career she loved and married a man she didn't because he had the priesthood and had told her she was supposed to. As you might imagine, it was not a happy marriage or childhood.

While growing up, I always went but just never felt that I fit in at church. I always felt that I had to pretend to be different than I am to be accepted. I couldn't ask the questions i wanted to ask, couldn't express opinions or thoughts or the teachers told my parents and I got in trouble.

All the activites in the ward I grew up in for young women revolved around crafts and dolls. Neither of which I had any interest in. Neither of my parents were the sort to talk about things and explain. They were more the "do what I tell you now" and if you didn't, there was severe physical punishment. This included asking any questions about the church. We were supposed to just swallow everything down and do what they said and how they said to do it.

When I hit my mid-teens, I rebelled pretty strongly. Not specifically against the church specifically, mostly because I was tired of being told what to do and think and finally big enough to defend myself. I stopped going to church because it was boring and it ticked off my parents more than anything else. I didn't believe any of it, but I didn't really care about that either.

I wasn't home much, spent most of my teens staying with friends and my parents didn't really have a problem with it. Their lives were easier with me gone. As the parent of teens now, I can't imagine having my child take off for several days at a time and not be concerned about it, but that's what happened.

I graduated, went to college (BYU - because even though I was accepted to and wanted to go to University of Colorado in Boulder, my dad wouldn't pay for it unless I went to BYU). So I went. My dad made a pretty decent living, so we weren't financially struggling. I went to church occasionally while at college, when one my my roommates dragged me along or some cute guy I was dating wanted me to go, that was pretty much it.

It wasn't bad at BYU, I actually had a great time, met some cool people (some of whom I'm still friends with) and got infuriated every time I was asked when I was getting married or why I wasn't married yet. I had no intention of getting married and I didn't while at BYU. I also was not a favorite of the religion teachers who didn't like the questions I asked or the papers I wrote.

After I graduated I went to work. I didn't go to church at all. I met my husband at work and eventually we got married, but we lived together first and my family was horrified and embarrassed. If she could have, when she found out my mother would have had my husband put in prison (never mind that I was 24 years old and fully involved in the relationship, obviously).

After a couple of years we decided to start a family. I got pregnant and all the pressure from my family started to get to me. I also was completely determined not to recreate the disaster zone that my childhood had been. I wanted to do everything right. So I went back to church, feeling like I needed to provide a spiritual foundation for my children.

I had been being told my entire life that living the Gospel was the way to be happy. I was determined to be happy and do it the right way. For twelve long years I went to church every Sunday. I got up, got my children ready and went to church. I served in every calling I was asked to do and attended every function I was supposed to be at. I bought into everything, studied the scriptures and tried really, really hard to gain a testimony. I even convinced myself I had one during brain-washing meetings (testimony days). I became the perfect Mormon woman in every way I could.I stopped working and stayed at home, with my husbands support, in spite of the fact that I love working. I'm a happier and better person when I am actively involved in work that I enjoy and I think most people are.

All of this in spite of the way my husband and I were treated. My husband, who despite having no interest in the church, is a good man and wanted to support me, came to every activity I asked him to. Also, as the children grew up he came to every meeting or program that they had a part in to be there for them. Regardless of how many times people in the church had met him, he was ignored at every single function he attended by all but a very few people (the very few I have maintained friendships with since leaving the church), including the Bishopbric and other leaders.

I was treated like a scarlet woman for the most part. Other women treated me like I was after their husbands, regardless of the fact that I was very happily married. Not to mention that, trust me, no one in their right mind would want their husbands. Ugh. Stern authoritarian patriarchy, self righteous aggrandizement and being condescended to and treated like a slave. No thank you. We were never invited to social events outside of official activities, (where we were merely tolerated), even by woman I was very close to.

So, what happened? Well, I had an epiphany. I was driving home from church one Sunday, exhausted and frustrated, angry and unhappy. Someone had made a nasty remark about my husband not being there, again, and I had also found out about a party my so called "good friend" and fellow counselor in the Primary Presidency had just had that everyone our age in the ward except my husband and I had been invited to. It hurt. The week before someone had cornered by 9 year old son and started quizzing him on why his dad wasn't a member. Can you believe that?

I'd been at church that day for about eight hours between meetings, choir practice and more meetings. I was about half way home and I suddenly realized that I was completely and utterly miserable. Life had no joy. I didn't know who I was anymore and all this stuff that was supposed to be bringing happiness was doing the exact opposite. Suddenly the thought went through my mind, "WHY am I doing this to myself?!" That was when I really started to think about things and the Church, for real.

I owned up to all the uncomfortable feelings I'd buried when my personal beliefs and feelings about right and wrong didn't match up to Church doctrine. Things like the role of women, the views on homosexuality and other things as well. If I had a nickel for every time someone in my family told me the Church "wasn't the people, it's the gospel" when someone did something mean and thoughtless to our family (which I very rarely shared, actually), I would love it. That is a load of *#%#, frankly. Of course it's the people. That's who you interact with!

I owned up to all the hypocrisy I saw throughout the church (not that the LDS church has a corner on that market, but there is just as much as there is anywhere else, something not widely acknowledged). I won't go on about it, but I think Organized Religion in general has a lot to answer for. I think it's one of the greatest evils ever inflicted on the earth. There is nothing so dangerous as a person who believes he or she has a mandate from heaven telling them they are right and everyone else is wrong.

That was it. I just stopped going. Not that it was that easy. I got phone calls, concerned visits, you name it. It was a little confusing for my kids at first, but my husband and I explained it to them in terms they could understand and they never looked back. My oldest was baptized when he was eight, something I deeply regret (because I believe that anyone making that kind of commitment should be old enough to understand what they're doing - at least 18!), but my youngest never was (I STILL get calls and have missionaries stopping by inspite of being very, very clear about no more contact). Both of my children now are intelligent, kind and thinking young people who read widely and take the time to find out about issues before they buy into anything, something I am VERY proud of.

There are members of my family who were and are distraught about my decision to leave. I know they mean well and I am honestly happy for them if the LDS Church really works for them. It just doesn't work for me. I feel as though I wasted fifteen years trying to be something I'm not (well, I did!) and I feel that I was brainwashed and I look back on the entire time with horror - it's like a bad dream.

My husband and I have a much better relationship now, I am so much happier and so are my children. I've started my own business, which I love and I have friends who love me for who I am (and DO invite me to their parties!).

I deeply regret that early exposure to the culture I grew up in made me fall into the hole of trying to fit into the "mormon box," thinking it was the only way to be happy. What a waste of time. I do believe in God, and God made us all different for a reason. There are lots of other religions out there and they all claim to be the only true one. That should tell you something right there.

So, I an an extremely happy ex Mormon and I'll never go back.

Thanks for sharing your story.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 03/28/2012 06:39PM by badseed.

Good for you for getting out while your kids are still small. You've saved them a lot of heartache and problems.