You know, a little earlier on Carla Hackworth's thread, I read bignevermo's reply and agreed with it – but I carefully responded in a vague way so I didn't incur MJ's wrath. Since then, I've thought about (pondered..) this and felt something sort of hit me:

I am almost 31 years old, and I specifically avoided responding to bignevermo's post because I'm afraid of what MJ will type back. I'm afraid of the sting of .. words. What the fuck is wrong with me? Is he going to hunt me down and beat me up? No. Is he going to steal my identity and ruin my credit score? Unlikely. Does it really even matter what he says? No. But I'm scared of his response, I'm scared of people not liking me and not agreeing with me. I'm approaching middle-age and I'm just as frightened as a little school girl getting a mouse thrown at her.

I have spent my entire life being afraid. To this day, my thoughts are controlled by “the world's strongest umbilical cord”, carefully hiding who I am and what goes on in my life because I'm afraid I will embarrass and disappoint my mother. I hide the majority of what happens in my adult life because I'm worried I'll finally cause her a fatal heart attack from the shame and sorrow because of course whatever it is, she will blame *herself* because she wasn't a “good mother”. Despite the fact that she was, in fact, a good mother! She wasn't perfect, but she tried her best goddamnit! She cares so much about her kids and their eternal salvation that she heaps mountains of guilt upon herself because half of us have 'gone astray'. I am afraid that no matter what I say, she won't be able to just accept who I am and will make herself physically sick with grief.

Why am I such a goddamned coward? Why do I feel compelled to pretend I'm someone else, a “good person”, to everyone around me? Why am I so goddamned afraid of confrontation? I have gotten screwed over so many times in life both professionally and personally because I was afraid to really say what was on my mind. I've spent so much fucking time hiding that I've tried to drown out the pain and shame with alcohol and addiction. My house is literally falling apart, I discovered our water heater is leaking into our crawlspace on Monday – but I haven't done anything about it, because I know I'll probably need a plumber and I'm too embarrassed to bring them into my filthy house because I'm always too tired and stressed to take care of things.

I have even been hiding what goes on in my head from my wife – because if she really knew how much I daydream about hanging myself, or mixing up some poisonous batch of chemicals to rid myself of this pathetic embarrassment of a life, she'd demand to take me to the emergency room – and we don't have the money, not when I've squandered it on junk that I don't even use and bank fees because I didn't pay enough attention to the finances.

You know what? I am a good person. Just not in the way everyone here in the Morridor thinks a good person should be. I am so fucking tired of pretending I am the person that I'm not. So MJ: Thank you. Thank you for finally kicking me into gear and making me realize that I'm a fucking pansy. You often have a lot of valid points to make, and I agree with you an awful lot – but you can really be an ass, and a bully without realizing it. You can really hurt other people's feelings sometimes. And I don't like it. You make people feel small and that their opinions don't count because they haven't had the same courageous life experiences you have. You make people like me feel like I don't matter because I'm not an out-of-the-closet, proud homosexual – I'm just a cowardly bisexual living in a hetero marriage and enjoying the benefits unfairly. You might be right.. but it still isn't nice. I hope you will at least take this into consideration, and maybe try being a little less harsh. And, if you don't, well, fuck you. I don't care anymore.

I am sick of hiding. My name is Andrew. I live in Ogden, UT with my wife and five cats and three dogs in a dilapidated house that is literally falling apart and probably has hundreds of code violations after years of half-assed “improvements” by its owners, past and present included. I am an ex-mormon. I resigned my membership from the mormon church in 2003. If you check your calendar, you'll see that it's been almost nine years since then. I have never, in all that time, told my parents about this.

I am a bisexual male. I did not “choose” to be this way, FSM knows I didn't *want* to be. I just am. My wife has gone through immense pain and anguish dealing with and accepting this fact, and still loving me despite it. I don't think I'm gay, I think I'm bisexual because I like having sex with both genders. I do not believe this makes me a bad person, and I'm fucking tired of pretending that I'm straight. I'm fucking tired of hiding.

I believe what makes someone a bad person is when they have no empathy for their fellow humans and no compassion for innocent animals. I believe a bad person is someone who willingly screws over others and then takes the sacrament the following Sunday. I believe a bad person is someone who would take someone's civil rights away in order to further their own agenda. I believe a bad person is someone who has the means to help others and chooses not to do so. I believe a bad person is a hypocrite who insists on one thing from those around them and then does something completely different.

I know that no person is perfect; I know that everyone makes mistakes. I'm guilty of every one of those things I listed, but I feel ashamed because of them – not because I didn't graduate from seminary, or that I don't hold the so-called priesthood. But I am sick and tired of feeling guilty and ashamed because of the very things that make me who I am. I believe we only have one life here and I've already pissed half of mine away. I'm tired of dwelling on the past and all my mistakes and embarrassments and shortcomings so much that I miss the present. I'm tired of waxing nostalgic for a time when I was just as miserable as I am now.

I've had enough. I am tired of being a coward. I am trapped here in Utah and I know if I don't make a change, if I don't sober up, I'll never get us out of here. And the thought of that happening really makes me want to end it all. Oh, and I'm tired of being ashamed for being a registered Democrat.

Thank you all for being there and for letting me vent. I don't want to hate living anymore. I'm terrified to post this but I feel almost compelled – by some external force – to do this. God, if you exist, please help me.

Thanks

(timid hand up in the very back) I'm a little afraid of MJ too. You aren't a coward. Breaking out of preconditioning is one of the more difficult things to do.



Edited 4 time(s). Last edit at 03/29/2012 03:15PM by suckafoo.

This so almost made me cry. I hope someone comes along with some wise words to help you. In the meantime, I respect you so much for writing this, and I think you are an amazing person who's life is definitely worth living.

Great post - good for you!

I've found the myers-briggs / jung personality tests and profiles very helpful in my ongoing journey to accept myself for who I am and be OK with it. (And thus care less about who others think I am.) Check it out if you think it might be helpful for you - just do some googling.

Mormons and by extention Utah folks are so consumed with worrying about what everyone is thinking that many of them have not had thoughts of their own in years.

We can't control what other people think but we can take joy in enjoying our own thoughts as we recover.

I grew up in Far West and back in my childhood saw Ogden as a big booming and classy city. I'm glad you mentioned it because it brings to mind the comforting and familiar image of those mountains to the east. I spent many hours memorizing every color and crag.

I'm glad for your big recovery breakthrough today. Well done!

Hi Andrew. You are OK. I always dig your screen name. Your story takes a lot of guts to put out there.
I have never really posted mine, I'll take that seat you just left open on the pansy-wagon.

Sounds like getting the hell out of dodge is just the thing you need. Just do it! Pack up the cats, sell the house and leave! If you're not happy where you are, leave and start over. There is a great big world out there, choose a spot and go. You might be more suited to a warmer climate? The Beach? A buzzing city?

31 is a good age. Life is precious, if your not enjoying it, change it don't end it.

Do not under any circumstance top yourself!

I actually chickened out at the last minute and decided not to post this, and went and sat on the couch starting to cry. All three of my dogs climbed up to comfort me, like they knew something was wrong. They are the sweetest creatures I've seen yet.

Meanwhile, in the other room, my wife hit the "Post" button. She said I needed a little nudge. ;-) She's been dealing with ulcerative colitis for a couple of years now, and she said she gets a lot of comfort from others with UC when they tell their story, and she hoped maybe this would help others as well - in addition to being cathartic for me.

No, I'm not going to top myself anytime soon. I've got to go clean out garbage so we can put in a new water heater!

Thanks everyone. I love ya, brethren & sistern. ;-)

You just had a massive paradigm shift! And that is an excellent thing, Andrew.

I'm not saying things are going to turn around for you tomorrow. There's obviously still work to be done. But you just let go of something HUGE. And it was something very important for you to let go of. Give yourself a giant pat on the back, my friend, you deserve it!

I do hope that this new found sense of self and integrity will perhaps lighten the load in your life. Being true to yourself and honest with yourself is the perfect foundation upon which to build the rest of your life.

Good luck with that water heater, man.

Peace,

Erin

What a great post. From one reforming pansy to another, may I suggest little steps. Find just a little thing to do everyday to assert yourself. At 51 I'm more assertive than I was at 31, you can be to. I'm still unnerved by my mother, but I can live with that.

If I still lived in Ogden I'd be on my way over to help you replace your water heater. We could compare my basement to your garage to see who has the messiest, I bet I'd win!

I love the entire post, and I love the fact that your wife posted it for you.
I think you are a good person.

You have some really good things going for you.

A wife that hit the post button. You are loved.
Even if you haven't put it out there, you KNOW who you are. A lot of people spend a life time trying to figure that out.
You know you need to change, and you know WHAT needs changing.

I suspect there's more, you just have to acknowledge it. It sounds like moving out of Utah could be a good thing for you. Go where there are a lot of democrats and free thinkers, and very few Mormons.

Dogs are wonderful aren't they. They just love you for you.
Start your changes by taking care of the water heater. Cold showers are miserable. After that, make a plan and work on it. There may be a hang up here and there, but keep plugging away at it. Let your anger be your motivator for a while, but don't let it consume you. I really think you can do this. You've just had an awakening, don't go back to sleep.

Andrew thank you for posting this! I had chills the entire time I was reading it. You are an amazing person for finally letting it out. That had to take guts just to type it out. And then your amazing wife loves you so much that she gave you the nudge you deserved. Keep going in this direction. One step at a time. You deserve to be heard and you deserve to be loved for who you truly are. Hugs from Lehi!!!

Andrew, thank you for being brave enough to write it all out in the first place. And a thank you to your wife for pressing the 'post message' button. That was brave of her as well.

Awesome post, man. Congrats. Keep your chin up.

You must be a very kind person to take care of so many animals.

Good for you! I would say come to Texas, but Bush, Beck, and a Kardashian live here (the least annoying one). As the great, divine Anagrammy says, "what others think of you, is not who you are...do not attach their characterization of you to you". Put the force field up and know that you are valued, loved, and definitely worth it!

I really hope you can feel the love that surrounds you, Andrew.

You were brainwashed to believe that any deviation from the Mormon template is going downhill toward darkness.

The truth is the diversity of each human being is the handiwork of God (or nature) and is to be celebrated. It is what makes life interesting. It's what makes travel interesting. It is also what makes Mormons and Mormonism so very boring.

The loss of individuality in the beehive causes people to marry those they do not really know or love. It causes depression, heartache, criminality and even suicide.

We are not designed to live as a "unit" in an army. It is dehumanizing and against all that is good and holy. We are NOT designed to be the same. Your wife is unique and so are you.

For years I used this mantra, "I am not everybody's cup of tea...but I'm SOMEBODY's cup of tea and I have plenty of time." After I left Mormonism, I lost every friend and even family members. But they were replaced by people who like me and respect who I have become.

Another affirmation that has helped me (which I used today, btw) is "Never participate in a destructive process." I mention these because it's important to form and identify with your own beliefs and morals. Having a moral core is essential to being free of the need to please others as a source of affirmation.

Your core can be a one liner. Or a book (Pick one or two from "The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz", for example). Here's how establishing this (or those) can help you in daily life.

Today I made chicken livers stroganoff, my signature dish, for three of my daughters. One, who was driving in from Marin, apparently didn't realize that the other one is still staying with me. She thought she was already gone to Arizona. They are currently not speaking. So one of the daughters calls and suggests that the one living here go someplace else and study while the other two are visiting me.

I hesitated and thought "shunning is a destructive process. As much as I want to see my two daughters, I cannot participate." Done deal. I called them up and offered to package them each up a meal, salad and homemade rolls and they can pull up and I will bring plates out to the car. But I will not ask a daughter to leave her home so they can be spared the sight of her.

Interesting reaction. Respect from all three.

When you stand up for your right to act in accordance with your beliefs you have self respect and others respect you for that.

I am excited for the wonderful journey you have ahead of you. May I recommend some reading? Tara Brach has a book/audio series out called "Radical Self-Acceptance which teaches how to get from living on approval from others to self-acceptance where you endorse your efforts and rely on your own wisdom (conscience) to guide you. It is based on Buddhist concepts and it is like balm on a burn for a former Mormon, let me tell you.

I wish you the best. You sound like you have done the very best you could and I ask--why isn't that enough? Whose business is it but yours (plural) what/who turns you on?

Today you took some big steps to end the slavery and start being the person you really are inside.

:) Hugs

Anagrammy

sometimes getting fed up with being a wuss is what it takes. Been there, done that. And still working on it.

Wow, You are my new hero! Its first terrifying, and then a huge relief to bare one's soul. So, a coward? Absolutely not!!! My new hero? definitely!

You've got a GOOD WIFE and GOOD DOGS, that's a nice start -- the rest might end up just being the stupid details. I think you'll look back someday and see this as a great new starting point!

Hang in there guy!

That was awesome.

Andrew, isn't it liberating to use your real name. It is for me. Thanks for introducing yourself. You sound like someone I'd like to know. Most of the people who post here are too real for Mormonism. You belong.

Absolutely amazing! I admire you! I think you can agree that when you post reality... so do others, you're not alone! Not even close! We are all here for you cuz you are there for us. Were in this together in a real way not in the old crappy mormon fake way.

One of the absolute best posts I've seen here!

Hi there Andrew, I am 50 next year and I wish I'd had your self awareness and wisdom 20 years ago. Your post was captivating, thank you so much for writing it. Sending very best wishes from the UK. Claire

who the fuck is MJ?

By the way Andrew, thanks for the post. You obviously have friends on here.

I'm almost (*almost*) speechless when there are so many of my heroes here at RfM replying to my post. Your support means so much and I can't possibly thank you all enough. When I wrote that I had no idea there would be such a positive response - and I also had no idea how much pressure lifted off of me just by putting my thoughts into words. I feel a burning in my bosom, and feel like crying because I'm happy. The best part is I didn't have to pay 10% of my income to get those feelings! I'm glad my wife gave me a little help to get this all out.

It's now a few days later, and while the high I felt from letting this out like an explosion has waned a bit, I'm trying to stay positive. My wife helped me narrow down which therapists in the area who specialize in cognitive behavioral therapy are actually covered by our insurance, and I'm going to call to make an appointment today.

Oh, I failed to mention our home has two water heaters, so we've been getting by with the second one that we discovered is also leaking but not as severe. My brother, whose energy and motivation I envy, is coming over within the hour to (I would say help me, but more likely he'll be doing everything while I just get in the way haha) install our fancy, brand-new one. Both of the old ones are actually old enough to legally purchase alcohol, so I think it's time.

Thank you all again for your encouragement. Let this stand as a record that the church does NOT have a monopoly on compassion.

I'm trying to get more motivated recently, though I've come so far from a place much like you are in right now. I never thought things could get better. My finances were so bad, I can't believe I survived it. I did declare bankruptcy TWICE. (Long story--one was cancelled and then another was filed). I paid on a chapter 13 for 8 years. My house was falling apart, My life was in shambles. And my ex had left me for a man. The insanity went on for years. My addiction is FOOD. I'm fighting it right now--I'd lost quite a bit of weight, but I'm gaining some back because of stress.

BUT--you are a valid person. I hate what the LDS church did to my "ex"--he is a wonderful person and lives here now at our house and is fixing all that needs fixing--thank goodness!

It took until I was in my late 40s to start getting my life together and I still struggle, but I've come SOOOOOOO far. I have been in therapy off and on for 13 or 14 years. There are so many secrets I've never told anyone--and never will--

Some years ago, a Native-American gay guy posted on this board and said the lds church taught him to hate 2 parts of himself. That was a real wake-up call to me. I used to think "in the next life" as I truly loved my husband and when this person posted on exmo--I realized that if gay disappears from my ex, he disappears.

If nothing else, get out and go for a walk today--and I'll do the same. TRY to learn to love yourself for who you are--not for what the lds church told you you should be. A clone?