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Posted by: Tahoe Girl ( )
Date: September 26, 2010 03:31PM

Join us as we hie to Kolob, closest rock to God. Your comfort aboard our Kolob Kruisers is of the utmost importance to us, so let us know how we can make your voyage both comfortable and meaningful.

Entertainment aboard your Kolob Kruiser will include reruns of the Donny and Marie Show, Johnny Lingo, and Dancing With the Stars episodes featuring a very special doll dance by Marie Osmond (she makes dolls, you know.)

For your listening pleasure you’ll have your choice of The Mormon Tabernacle Choir, Gladys Knight’s “One Voice”, or the Primary children from Kolob 2573rd ward droning on about Following the Prophet.

Snacks en route will be your favorite flavors of jello, with Cheerios for the little ones.

Dinner is included in the fare and features creamy funeral potatoes, sliced ham, and jello salad embedded with grated carrots, cooked ground beef and chunked pineapple.

During a two hour layover on the moon you will have the option to disembark and gawk at the 6 ft. tall, 1000 year old Moon Quakers.

Come with us! Enjoy the ride!

After touching down on this planet closest to where God resides, you’ll want to rest and refresh yourselves for the busy week ahead. We’ll shuttle you up Deseret Drive to Cumorah Crest where you’ll find your lodgings in tree-lined Liahona Lane. The beautiful Hearth and Home Bed and Breakfast is run by the sister-wives of Zoram. Cost per night is three senums which includes your room and a sumptuous breakfast in the morning.

You’ll find plenty to do on Kolob. Ride along the lovely mountain ridges astride a wooly curelom. Your guide, Mahonri Moriancumer (a large and mighty man), will point out famous landmarks such as the stately summer homes of several of Heavenly Father’s plethora of wives.

Afternoons are always warm on this planet so you’ll want to don your Kolob skivvies for a dip in the beautiful blue waters of Sebus. The brightness from God’s residence keeps the sparkling waters at a constant temperature of 87 degrees F.

After your swim, hie on over to Celestiavilla, the dwelling place of the whitest and most delightsome of Kolob folk. You’ll find only the best of neighborhoods on Kolob, for dark and loathsome is prohibited. On your journey there, you’ll also note that Kolobians are perpetually young since there is no end to youth on Kolob.

You’ll not want for good food while on your travels there. Be sure to visit Kolob Bakery and enjoy the Necro-Dunkin’ Donuts! These delectable delights are deep fried in a huge vat of oil which rests on the backs of 12 oxen carved from authentic olive wood from the Holy Land on planet Earth. You can also visit the bakery’s gift shop where you can purchase a special signature Baker’s Hat, complete with bow. Receive a 10% discount with the super secret handshake.

At the 3 Nephites Grill you’ll enjoy grilled cumom along with deep fried manna drizzled with honey taken from a nearby deseret hive. Poultry skewered with iron rods roast to a delicious-doneness as they rotate slowly on the hand-turned spit. The price of these hearty meals ranges from 1 ½ shiblons to 1 ezrom depending on how hungry you are.

Be sure to step into Zelph’s Bar where Zelph will personally serve you his out-of-this-world Pay Lay Ale as he tells you tales of life as a white and delightsome Lamanite on earth. After a night at Zelph’s you may want to stop off at Laban’s Head where, for a small fee of one shiblum, you can use the facilities.

Your return to earth will be through the unique Mormon time machine. Since one day in Kolob is equal to a thousand years on earth, you’ll be returned to earth a mere week after you left through the special process of exmosis through the time machine.

But wait! Before leaving the planet, swing by the ever-popular Kolob Kool-Aid stand. Go ahead! Drink the Kool-Aid!

(Feel free to add what you'd like to see or experience on your Kolob Kriuse!)

(Copyright 2010)

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Posted by: topper ( )
Date: September 28, 2010 04:44PM

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Posted by: helamonster ( )
Date: September 28, 2010 07:29PM

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Posted by: Anonymous User ( )
Date: September 28, 2010 10:03PM

Yeah, but don't forget that you have to wear temple robes on the trip, and the sisters have to have their faces veiled.

On the other hand, you will get to meet the official greeter: Joe Smith.

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Posted by: Timothy ( )
Date: September 28, 2010 10:22PM

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Posted by: topping ( )
Date: October 02, 2010 04:05PM

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