I am in the process of deprogramming myself. I stopped going to church and paying tithing back in November. I took off my garments a few weeks ago. I still feel a pull towards church, surprisingly I feel stronger pull towards church after taking the final step to remove my garments. I have been talking with my office mate about things, asking him how he celebrates easter and I ask him questions about how the catholics do things. While I felt like the mormon church was damaging to me I still feel a draw towards christianity in general, but I'm having a hard time putting together my feelings. Right now I want a completely free environment where I'm not obligated to anything, but at the same time I want a group to talk about things with who understands me and can bounce ideas back and forth with me. This is a very confusing, liberating and wacky time for me emotionally and spiritually. Whenever I try to talk to my wife about it she completely misunderstands me. She thinks I jumped ship and if I mention being interested in things she gets confused and mad at me because I left and now i'm doubting. That's not it! There is more out there than the mormon church! I want somebody to relate to but i'm still afraid to tell anybody that I left. Right now I just feel alone I guess. The only person that I can talk to about this is my wife and she just cannot understand the depth of what i'm going through. She see's me muddling through things and thinks that it's an easy fix, I just have to stop doubting and start believing and all will be well again. It's really really hard to have to walk this path alone.

best regards, I hope U find PLENTY of support here.

You're RIGHT, finding your own Spiritual Journey is Lonely.
to have any authenticity, ya gotta do it Yourself.

Here, you'll find Plenty O' Reasons do avoid Mormonism, ways to look at it with a fresh eye, listen to people Outside the Box.

Old timers here like myself 'Wonder' at all the ways that the GAs 'make it work' (wink wink) for the members. It seems they can't deal straight-forward with Facts, rely only on emotions.

Bottom Line: What a racquet it is!

again, Welcome.

You may feel alone, but you are not. There are plenty of others walking down the same path as you. You don't see us, but we are here. You've taken the first step to talking through things by posting on this board.

Take it a step at a time. Give yourself the time to process it. This is not a head cold you have. Be patient with yourself. Things will improve.

There are plenty of us out here that have or are currently going through similar things. Good for you that you are thinking and acting. Keep it up! You will be happy.

I can relate to your experience very well. This is a new process in my life as well....I made my original damning discovery last December. It is a very confusin time as I was a member for over 10 years. Keep in mind that the LDS endoctrination largely influences every part of your life so departing from it it also a mental process. I still believe in God and Jesus Christ. I still pray and I feel that God has helped me through this. I also have better days than others. Feel free to email me at sow1949@gmail.com if you want to chat or just confide in someone!

The journey out is usually solo, unfortunately.

If you are like most of us, the Mormon church was monumental in your life and when you leave it behind, there is a void. You will fill it with the right stuff eventually. Curiosity about everything could be your best friend now.

After I left, I felt like my mind had cleared itself. My innermost parts were re-aligning and re-prioritizing everything I had ever felt. It was an exciting and scary feeling, which is usually a good mix.

My life began when I left the church.

hint: Show your DW (dear wife) EXTRA LOVE.

some spouses interpret these things as threats.
It shouldn't be about the relationship, Not at all.

It's YOUR personal journey; with love & understanding, a 'good' marriage should survive, in time Grow/Thrive.

If you feel a need for spiritual base, a mainstream Protestant church might be something you want to try. I was raised Lutheran and they are pretty liberal and very socially aware. They have female clergy, too!

I agree with guynoirprivateeye, show your wife extra love and go out of your way to make her feel special and loved.

Keep asking questions about Polygamy for good measure.

Buddha taught as one of the four eternal truths that “life is suffering”. But it is through that suffering that we grow and develop. We escape the traditions and dogma of our parents and their parents by virtue of that growth. It is through this process that we create our own unique spirituality.

The real answers to life do not come from a pulpit or from between two blue book covers. We are all born originals; unfortunately, too many of us die copies. We tend towards the path of least resistance.

If we are truly wise (and none of us are) we will welcome problems and work for the solution and in the process we will become more than we were. Most of us spend our time just avoiding the problems.

It is the nature of most people to decide the truth of all things at a very young age. From then on, life becomes a struggle to support and strengthen those “truths”. The paradigm must be preserved at all cost. Supporting evidence is exaggerated, detracting evidence is belittled, discounted or ignored. It is painful to shift a paradigm. It causes personal discomfort, even sometimes suffering, to redraw the map that guides our lives. It is even harder to disappoint those we love should they choose to not go with us on that journey of personal and painful growth.

It is a shattering and devastating event to alter core beliefs. For many of us our religion was not just a way of life, but a set of core defining values taught to us from our earliest memories. We have fought for our beliefs, and sacrificed greatly of our time, talents and money. We’ve put our families in second place as we devoted our all to the building up of a fantasy. We’ve followed leaders with the strength of conviction, only to find out they don’t really speak for deity, in fact they lie in the name of Jesus Christ.

Now a choice of integrity vs. personal comfort must be made. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, together with its doctrine, dogma and origins are exposed as fraudulent, modified and untrue. It’s hard to believe at first, and even harder to accept. As the clandestine search for truth begins the searcher is skeptical. Heretical thoughts are dismissed at first, then apologized for later. We do what we can to protect our paradigm, our life map, our personal definition of how we see the world. Then the evidence becomes overwhelming, factual and without need of interpretation. Things are what they are. A choice is made. Some bury their new knowledge in a panic and return to their life as usual. They reject the invitation to personal growth and pain. They follow the path of least resistance and the search for truth is over, buried, never to be reexamined. Others, dedicated to personal integrity and truth also must make a choice. Do they make their new knowledge known, do they keep it to themselves, how will they alter their lives? How will they alter the lives of those they love? These are personal and deeply difficult choices. There is no right pattern, we must not look to others for answers. We must search deep inside ourselves, weigh all consequences, then decide on a course of action that balances wisdom, pain, and integrity.

Common is the person who faced with that evidence will dismiss it. It is just too hard to face. Common is the person who will scorn, blame, ridicule and deride the truth. The truth to that person is an inconvenience. He or she would rather go on in his or her fantasy than face the hardship of truth. Anyone who would discount that hardship only need read the stories of those that have traveled that road.

Rare is the person who will look that monster in the face and say “I will change my life, my paradigm, my life map”. “I’ll admit I was wrong all those years and I’ll face the consequences of those that will scorn and ridicule me”.

Rare is that person.

"we were born originals, unfortunately too many of us die copies."

Your whole post is one of the best things I have read here ever SLDrone.
Thank you. What a lot to think about and so beautifully written.

He has posted some amazing things over the years! I was going to say I had copied something he wrote called "rare person" to my desktop. What he has posted here is that "rare person" post I copied.

SLDrone,

This is the best message that I've ever read on RfM, or anywhere else. I urge you to preserve it (as I have). This is what belongs in a real sermon...one devoid of sadistic, angry Caucasian sky gods, one dedicated to the only divinity that exists: the creative potential of each human being when coupled to morality.

Steve

Please consider writing a book. "Goat" represents the feelings of so many of us. It's not just a matter of leaving, it's a matter of going somewhere new. A book would be a magnificent gift.

The church was a huge part of my identity. I was always easy to bounce my ideas ... er .... regurgitate what I thought were my own ideas off of anybody there and feel the social connection. Now that's completely gone. When I try to bounce an idea of of anybody I feel like it takes a half hour backstory so that they can even grasp what i'm trying to say, because if they are anything like me then their thinking wouldn't even go down that path. So instead of easy acceptance now i'm quietly ignored. I haven't really had a lot of contact with wardies since I left, so a lot of my isolation is in my head. While I was still attending I do remember trying to ask real questions in sunday school and they were usually ignored after somebody gave a stupid primary answer like "pray more" or something. A big part of my isolation comes from the void between my wife and I. I have been working hard to show extra love, we have talked about things a lot. She has never allowed herself to see what I'm saying. She thinks she understands it but she doesn't. I can say that because I was in her shoes before. I know that the thought process to get where I'm at just doesn't exist to her. I finally started taking steps when I realized that she wasn't understanding me, she realized that she wasn't understanding me and decided to stop trying to help me and instead try to just love me. It has been been both good and bad, instead of fighting about it we avoid it instead. Whenever I do try to talk about it it's still never understood. It's hard because it's something so important to me and she is somebody that I want to share my thoughts and feelings with.

One thing that has recently come up; my brother passed away about 10 years ago. He was excommunicated in high school while he was on drugs. My family will be doing his temple work in a few weeks. I mentioned to my wife that I was sad that it was happening after I decided to leave and no longer have a recommend, I would like to support and be there with my family for what to them is a very important event. As I've been leaving my view of religion has been changing, I feel like the church has stunted my growth but I see social aspects and other benefits such that I think it's fine for some people to enjoy life there. (my view of religion in general is still changing, my main reason for leaving the church was not for its shady history but because I realized that it was stopping my spiritual growth) Anyway, my wife was upset because she saw me wavering in my decision to leave whereas I was just saying that I enjoyed the family support.

Speaking of religion, I said that I still feel a draw towards christianity. I feel a draw towards the group that meets together and shares and learns and the like. I see that as good. I'm afraid of "religion" because it's controlling, there is a defined doctrine. I believe now that as soon as you set something in stone then you block yourself. My belief system is a lot more fluid, i'm open to consider pretty much everything and learn from it, and i'm terrified of falling back into my old ways of clinging to a system and trying to force it to work at the expense of myself. My wife hates my "noncommittal" system because, well ... to her it's noncommittal.

It's hard to change. SLDrone, that was great. Thankyou. If I had more time to read and post here I would, but I really only get to check and post once a day and normally it's a very short time that I have to do it. I appreciate what I get in my short posts though!

If christians catch the fish first and christ cleans them
Mormons clean the fish and the devil catches them.

The horse before the cart mind twist, and your wife remains
in the twister of illusion and deception, save it be the wholesomeness of true love, she needs to love you beond the bubble and you need to love her being in the bubble, but in the end, it want work unless there is humanity and true humility compromise, without the luke warm Delin Oaks comfort zone tho that works for many and is helpful, you took of your garmets son and that means you dont stand for luke warm and want out of deception altogether...

If like my other ex, an american, broke my nose when I went astray from mormonism. That gave me reason to devoice and hate the bitch for sometime.

take care brother... There are plentyoffish dot com (in the sea)
try lds. No mormon marrige can survive if one is totally a molly and the other can see the nonsense in this bullshit morality for a bullshit relegion.

If she pleases you sexually dont devoice her.

amen.