More from the veterans group I am doing.

Avoid Attacks and Counterattacks that Make the Marriage Unsafe for Conversation

1. TELL EACH OTHER WHAT YOU WANT RATHER THAN WHAT YOU DON’T WANT

For example, instead of saying, “I don’t want you to call me names anymore,” try saying, “I want to feel as if you respect me. As if I’m your friend.”

This is easier if you focus on the present, rather than the past. Don’t concentrate on what your partner didn’t do five years ago, five weeks ago, or even five seconds ago. Think about what you want from your partner in the moment.

2. RESPOND TO EACH OTHER’S STATEMENTS OF NEED WITH OPEN-ENDED QUESTIONS

This may take some extra thought, especially while you’re trying to break old patterns. Just remember:
Don’t jump in by stating your own need. (“Yeah, well, I’d like to feel respected, too!”)

Don’t react defensively. (“Oh, so now you’re saying we’re not friends anymore!”)

Instead, try to truly listen and understand what your spouse is saying. You might ask questions like “What could I do that would make you feel more respected?” Or “This seems important; tell me what my friendship and respect mean to you.”
If you should find yourself reacting in a defensive way, stop. Take a deep breath to calm down. Then start again, this time with a simple question, such as “Can you tell me more about this?”

3. EXPRESS APPRECIATION TO THE SPOUSE WHO’S BEEN LISTENING
Tell your partner when you feel you’ve been heard. Say, “Thank you for listening to me.” These three simple steps can be used under just about any circumstances when partners need something from each other. Whether you’re expressing a need for companionship, sex, a balanced checkbook, or help with the laundry, the dynamics are the same. State your needs clearly in a positive way; practice careful, active listening through open-ended questions; and show your gratitude.

(Adapted from Ten Lessons to Transform Your Marriage: America's Love Lab Experts Share Their Strategies for Strengthening Your Relationship by John Gottman)
Declaire, Joan; Gottman, John Phd; Schwartz Gottman, Julie (2006-05-16). Ten Lessons to Transform Your Marriage: America's Love Lab Experts Share Their Strategies for Strengthening Your Relationship (Kindle Locations 1289-1349). Random House, Inc.. Kindle Edition.



Connect Emotionally with Your Partner

1. BE A CARING WITNESS TO EACH OTHER’S STRONG, NEGATIVE FEELINGS

“It’s hard for partners to believe that they’re doing anything for each other when they’re just sitting there, considering the other person’s sadness or frustration,” John [Gottman] explains. “But usually it’s enough to just be present and to empathize. Think of yourselves as two birds sitting on the same perch, viewing the world, and chirping together. That sense of togetherness can be sufficient.” In fact, trying to problem-solve too soon can interfere with intimacy. “Remember, your goal isn’t to fix the feelings; it’s to help each other feel less alone,” John advises.

2. ASK QUESTIONS THAT LEAD TO THE HEART INSTEAD OF THE HEAD
Instead of asking “why” or “how come” questions—which lead to analysis—we encourage [couples] to ask each other questions that require them to consider their feelings. Examples: “How are you feeling about this right now?” or “What is the most difficult part of this experience for you?” (For more ideas, see the exercise called “Establish a Ritual for Stress-Reducing Conversation”.)

Exercise: Establish a Ritual for Stress-Reducing Conversation
Research shows that one of the best things a couple can do for their marriage is to establish a ritual of regular conversation for coping with everyday stress and occasional sadness. This is the time—ideally each day—when you catch up, focus on each other, swap stories, and show support.

Such conversations can help you to manage pressure, anxiety, and sadness due to problems at your job or in difficult relationships with relatives and friends. And even if your mood is generally upbeat, meaningful conversations can help you to handle life’s challenges while staying emotionally connected. Think of it as being like a regular trip to the bank; your goal here is to make deposits in your “emotional bank account.”

Use the following instructions and questions to design a conversation ritual for you and your partner. Try it a few times and then evaluate how it’s going. Make adjustments as needed to design a ritual that works for you.

1. Designate fifteen to thirty minutes each day to talk about your day. You may already do this to some extent. But we suggest that you make it intentional. You may want to attach the conversation to some other activity that you do day in and day out—something like eating breakfast together, commuting, taking a walk, or sharing coffee after dinner. The idea is to commit to making the conversation a significant part of that experience.

What is the best time of day for you to have a stress-reducing conversation with your partner?


Where is the best place to have it?


2. Do it the same way every time.
Examples: Sit at the same table, light a candle, use the same two matching coffee mugs. The idea is to make it feel like “a ritual,” something you do together every day to feel connected to each other.

What elements will you use in your conversation ritual?


3. Eliminate distractions. Turn off the television. Let the phone ring. If you have small children, arrange for them to be involved in some other activity (sleeping is nice) so Mom and Dad can talk.

How will you make sure you’ve got each other’s full attention?


4. Take turns talking and listening. Discuss the most important things that have happened to you since the last time you talked. What transpired at work? What did the doctor say? How was your class? Did you talk to your mom? Make sure that each partner gets equal time to talk about his or her day. At first, you can use a clock to time it. Later on, sharing the floor will come naturally.
What are likely topics for each of you in these conversations?


5. Show support for your partner as you listen. Demonstrate genuine interest by asking questions: “How did it go?” “What was the most important part?” “How do you feel about that?” “What did that mean to you?” “Tell me everything that happened.”

Communicate understanding: “I can understand why you feel that way.” “I’d be stressed out, too.” “So it sounds like you’re worried.”

Listen for emotion and respond in kind: “That’s really sad.” “I can see why you’re angry.” “Wow, that’s exciting!” “I’d be tense in that situation, too.”

Celebrate your partner’s success: “That’s wonderful!” “I’m so proud of you!” “I’ll bet you’re so relieved.”

Take your partner’s side in conflicts: “That guy is a total jerk.” “How could she treat you like that?” (Remember, this is not the time for the listener to complain or criticize the speaker. And don’t side with the enemy!)
Show solidarity: “This is our problem and we will face it together.” “I can understand because something similar happened to me.”

Be affectionate: “Come here and let me hold you.” “I’m totally on your side.”

Offer help with problem solving: “Let’s figure this out.” But remember, understanding must come before advice. Don’t rush to problem solve. Listening is the most important part.

6. Evaluate your experience. After practicing a few days, analyze how the conversation is working. Ask these questions: Is the time and place working out for you? If not, do you need to make adjustments to your schedule so you can make it work? Are you able to avoid distractions? Are there any elements you’d like to add to make it more satisfying? Do you feel that your partner is sharing his or her experiences? Do you feel that your partner is listening to you? What changes, if any, would you like to make in your ritual?



(Adapted from Ten Lessons to Transform Your Marriage: America's Love Lab Experts Share Their Strategies for Strengthening Your Relationship by John Gottman)
Declaire, Joan; Gottman, John Phd; Schwartz Gottman, Julie (2006-05-16). Ten Lessons to Transform Your Marriage: America's Love Lab Experts Share Their Strategies for Strengthening Your Relationship (Kindle Locations 1717-1936). Random House, Inc.. Kindle Edition.