I have been out of the church for years, but seem to endlessly struggle with family dynamics. More recently I am accepting that it is time to further work on developing 'chosen family' (a distinction from some of John Bradshaw's work if I remember right).

It is a painful process of further accepting that my family is not now and unlikely will ever be what I need/want them to be as family members anymore than I am likely to be what they feel they may need/want me to be. I am not totally cutting them off, but emotionally I further need to invest in other family and 'tribe' members - ie. something beyond just the more common friendship level, but a sort of 'soul friends' or some such thing.

I find myself feeling too confined mentally and emotionally in trying to maintain these relationships as closely as we have been. The more I have invested in other relationships the more I feel split between my family who I can barely talk about the friendships in my life with in any real way because they are friendships with people who are not having kids or divorced, etc... and it doesn't seem like it integrates all that well. I am not going to things like some of the family reunion events, I see them plenty outside of that and they have Mormonism as their expression so much of the time at those events.

I realize I don't necessarily 'want' to be a part of the family in the same way I was prior even if they are 'accepting' of me being different in some ways, it is still very confining mentally and emotionally to be around them often times. I seem to at least need a lot of breaks and time with others. (I live in the same general area and have been used to seeing them fairly frequently). Culturally then it is not just leaving the church, but leaving my family in some ways since so much family culture has been around the church.

Have you learned to set good boundaries with people? Are others having the same experience? Have others worked it out in a way that feels more whole for them? Thoughts? Suggestions?

At least, I think that's part of what keeps us feeling like we should maintain a connection with people we wouldn't otherwise choose as friends.

You seem to understand the concept of chosen families. It's just that you can't let go of your biological one. Maybe you need to think about what you gain/maintain from staying connected to them, because there must be reasons. Do those reasons outweigh what you lose by staying connected?

Breaking with families is rough. It can be like the stage of heroin addiction where someone takes it not to get high but just to keep from getting sick. The pain of withdrawal -- or just the fear of the pain --is so great they keep using rather than getting clean. There's no pain-free way out of families, either.

I don't see anything wrong with pulling back a bit from your family. Just because they're family doesn't mean they're going to meet all of your emotional needs. I think being part of a family means accepting each other as they are, and being there for each other in times of need. (And from what you wrote I'm not entirely sure how accepting they are of you.) You can accept and support your family without having to be involved in every detail of their lives.

I left the mormon church and came out as gay (sort of a double whammy!) I've had ups and downs with my family, but we're in a pretty good place now. As you read so often on this board, we teach others how to treat us. I accept my family as they are, including their religion. But I also expect them to treat me with the same respect. And I'm definitely not afraid to let them know when they've crossed a line with me. (Or to put it another way, I'm not afraid to bitch slap them back to reality!)

Things are going well. My boyfriend is accepted as another member of the family. The family doesn't push me on religion anymore. I guess what I did was change the nature of my relationship with my family. And I made it clear that it was up to them whether or not the accepted the change. What's most important to me now is my relationship with my boyfriend/significant other. It was up to the family whether or not they could accept that. And they did.

Walk away.

If they want to keep in touch, they know where you live.

I really like what Bezoar said. I say to just give it time. Don't force anything- just be true to yourself and your comfort zone. Don't let anyone walk on you. Do force them to respect you (or don't visit/call) but offer the same respect in return. You may find a different type of relationship develops with your family. One that you can come to terms with and accept.

I left the church 17 years ago (at age 19)- the only one in my immediate family to leave and one of 3 in my extended family to leave. It took some adjustment on both sides to get to a good spot- and lots of years.

I've had periods in my life (months and years) where I have barely spoken to my family. There have also been periods where I or the other side has reached out in one way or another. It really is almost like you go through a whole emotional process similar to a death. For many of us here, it seems that the hardest part about leaving the church is learning how to deal with your family situation. Some have found that walking away is best and some have fought hard to maintain relationships. Others, like me, have found a middle ground. There is no right answer and it takes work on both sides- like any relationship. Just give it time and work on coming to terms with your own issues, letting them do the same on their side and hopefully you can eventually get to a good spot. Some TBM families can adjust, some can't. What is important is that you set your own boundary and put your happiness first.

I now sort of take a love 'em or leave 'em approach. I maintain a respectful relationship- a certain level of family discourse where certain topics are just not discussed. We aren't particularly close, but we are respectful to each other and we can hang out, have dinner and actually have fun- in small doses. It is hard because, as you said, everything for them revolves around the church. You have nothing in common to build a friendship on.

I'll admit I've been lucky, my husband (a nevermo) is my best friend and knows me better than any one. So I have someone that is always there for me- I have the luxery of not needing my family. We also have a support system of close friends that we love and enjoy hanging out with. I want to see my family from time to time and want to maintain a level of communication- but I don't need them. I don't need their support, I don't need their approval. I don't care how they judge me. I don't care how much they might pity me or judge me behind my back. I just got to a spot where I no longer cared and I didn't need them. And they got to a spot where they no longer cried and begged and stressed and prayed and fasted and wrote me heartfelt testimony letters... We just all eventually adjusted and I moved on and found a great life for myself without them and sort of with them, just in a new way.