She met the guy 2 months ago. They did not announce an engagement. Apparently, he proposed and they went to the courthouse soon thereafter. She is 41 now.

The only thing that bothered me was how she handled it with respect to our 10yo daughter...or rather how she didn't handle it. There was no warning, just POOF ok folks, everything has changed.

I asked our daughter how she felt. She said she was still getting used to the idea and wished mom had told her beforehand. But that's how mom does things, very much on a whim, impulsive.

She was also hurt because mom wasn't paying any attention to her. Daughter was told to babysit her new 6yo step-brother while mom and new hubby were out. Mom said to daughter, "after the newness wears off, I won't have to be around Luke all the time."

I told DD she should tell mom how she feels. Then I tried to make up for it with hugs and cheesecake. Kids are pretty amazing creatures, they deal with things so much better than adults.

I hate to hurt you, but kids can not deal better than adults. Why on earth would you think that? Kids deal better than adults but lose that ability as they grow older? No. Kids do not deal better than adults with anything but especially adult problems. They do not have the brain development for this. They do not have the problem solving skills for this. This is a lie divorced parents tell themselves to ease the burden of guilt they feel for a broken family.

Keep loving her and putting her first in your life so that she can see and know how a parent should be.

Kids just bottle things up because they haven't learned how to deal with their problems properly.

It depends on what needs to be dealt with. A lot of problems are the result of having certain expectations about the world, and we build these expectations throughout life. The older you are, the more you have, and the harder it is to deal with drastic change. Hopefully you've also matured in your reasoning as well, but this isn't always the case.

A four year old (or even a ten year old) doesn't care about a bear market or the President's party affiliation. It's not something they have any experience with.

Younger kids tend to be more accepting of "Uncle Momsloverofthemonth" than older kids who are aware enough of what's going on to have an opinion of it - and of course, if they were raised around it, they are more likely to think it's normal and/or acceptable than one who had Daddy read fairy tales at bedtime for the first ten years.

My parents divorced when I was rather young, and I can honestly say that (barring the possibility of decades long repression) it, itself, never really bothered me.
What hurt was that two people I cared very deeply for disrespected each other.

How old you were? Parents remarry? Step siblings or half siblings? Visitation? Could they bOth come to important life events like graduations and marriage? DO you think it had any part in your choices regarding marriage? To marry or not or to stay married or not? Very interesting that you feel good about it all. Good for you! Why do you think that was?

Robin Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> How old you were? Parents remarry? Step siblings
> or half siblings? Visitation? Could they bOth
> come to important life events like graduations and
> marriage? DO you think it had any part in your
> choices regarding marriage? To marry or not or to
> stay married or not? Very interesting that you
> feel good about it all. Good for you! Why do you
> think that was?

I will respond to this for my experience (I know you weren't talking to me), because I very much related to the post above.

My parents were both nevermo when they split up. I was about 6 years old when they divorced. Prior to the divorce, my dad was an alcoholic, so there were a lot of terribly violent fights and very few happy times. One day, Dad told my sister and I he was taking us out for ice cream. I knew, right when he said that, that he was going to announce their divorce. I was SIX. But I knew that parents split up sometimes and mine acted like they hated each other, so I was HAPPY to hear this news. There would be no more fighting and no more dad hitting mom and no more throwing of heavy objects around the house. DELIGHTED.

I never once thought it was my fault or that my sister and I did anything wrong or that we had anything to do with anything at all. My parents were obviously ill-suited for each other and did not get along. Why should people who hate each other stay together? After the divorce, everything was great. Two Christmases, two birthdays, etc. Parental guilt meant that both parents took us to the zoo and the park and to do all kinds of fun stuff.

Then my dad married the waitress he'd been banging behind mom's back. The waitress was a fallen mormon. Within a couple of years, she managed to get him to take the discussions and get baptized. She'd been exed for living with him, so after his baptism, a year later, he re-baptized her. They went to the temple a year after that. My mom never remarried.

My stepmom had a son and 4 daughters -- the youngest of which was ten years older than me. It was her son who later moved into our house (after his wife threw him out for cheating on her) and began molesting me.

In regard to milestone events, that's been hit-or-miss. Usually, one or the other would show up and that was fine if it was like a play I was in or something that ran several nights so each could get a chance to attend. Not that dad thought things like recitals were worth his time. He rarely bothered and if he did go, he'd criticize the performance to us later. (My dad is a douche.) They were both at my sister's 1st wedding and I * think * they were both at our high school graduations. If I recall correctly, drama ensued at all three events. They all traveled down to my college for my college graduation, without any drama, and managed to all get along well (fifteen years after the divorce). The main source of the drama was my stepmom acting like she was entitled to credit for raising two awesome girls, and acting as if my mom was some gutter crack whore who beat us or something. Mom was not evil just because she wasn't a mormon. Stepmom always acted jealous and threatened by her and my mom and dad always managed to get along, so I think she felt threatened that mom could be cool and dad could be cool.

How this effected my view of relationships: I have no interest in marrying. I don't want children and I don't see the point. It's clear to me that the right match for you at age 20 is a totally different person than the right match for you at age 30 or 40. So I think this marriage-for-life business doesn't make any realistic sense. While some people do manage to marry the love of their life and stay that way for 50-60 years, I think for most of us, that's just not realistic. Our needs change over time. We should have the option to partner up with people who meet those needs, if the original partner can no longer meet the changing needs. Also, my mom is a passive-aggressive, narcissistic, manipulative doormat. She attracts controlling, manipulative, patriarchal jerks (you know, like my dad). My model for relationships is very unhealthy and the idea of a healthy long-term (for life) monogamous marriage not only sounds like mythology to me, but it's a total mystery to me as to how that ever happens. I don't think I have the relationship tools to stay with someone for 40-50 years and I thank my parents for that. It's not the divorce that taught me that; it's the two dysfunctional marriages. I think divorce is a healthy productive thing if the relationship isn't either one of those things. So, for my dollar, staying in an unhealthy, dysfunctional relationship "for the kids" is the worst thing you can do, unless you want to model unhealthy relationship behaviors for your children.

but I agree with the rest of what you said. It's important that Outcast asked his daughter how she felt and that she was able to put it in words. He provided a safe environment to talk about things. That's some good parenting. The Ex, on the other hand, by her actions shows herself to be selfish and self-involved.

Everything is still broken. Are you divorced? Parents who divorce don't like to hear what I've said. Most would say they are a better parent divorced than being in a marriage that is unhappy and I would agree with that. It does not fix it though. The child has to visit one of his parents. Depending on the divorced parents' choices they may have to watch some other kid get o live with the parent they have to visit.

Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 05/07/2012 09:37PM by wine country girl.

I think kids tend to be more Resilient than adults. Usually kids are able to spring back, with proper support. Cases vary

As age increases I think, if abuse continues, the ability to rebound is seriously effected.

just in my experience, it is much harder for me at 58 to rebound than it was earlier in my life.

Bad things kinda add up over time. That time being different in each situation and person

Children are able to forgive quicker....up until that becomes of no meaning to them. time may vary

WTF?????

So it's OK for a 10 year old to babysit a 6 year old while Mom and new guy are out?
I think that's child abuse. And how would a ten year old be mature enough to handle a 6 year old? And herself?

I see red flags....your daughter is in a high risk situation.

(I was the oldes/babysitter in our family---- it's not healthy)

+1

I was the oldest daughter= babysitter. It was pretty much full-time and not a pretty picture.

Now, even though my 11 and 8 year old WANT to do everything for their baby sister I don't ask them to do much more than just play with her as much as they want to. And I will barely let my boys be alone for an hour together.

All families are different, but 10 and 6 are pretty young to be left alone for more than a few minutes.

in most states you have to be at least 12 to babysit without it being considered neglect

It's not your daughter's job to babysit a sudden step brother just because your ex wife and her new husband do not want to be bothered.

This does not bode well.

Chances are high they will keep dumping the kid on your daughter.
That is too much to ask of her, now and forever.

Better keep an eye on this situation.

I agree with what others have said. I would add that you make sure your daughter knows how to repel any attempts at sexual abuse by this man or by her step-brother. It does happen. My mother married my father when my older sister wasn't quite 2 years old. He started sexually abusing her right away and it continued until my parents divorced when my sister was 9 years old. He raped my sister repeatedly through those years, and my mother knew about it but did nothing.

Make sure that your daughter knows how to try to avoid it happening, and that if there is an attempt or if someone does succeed, she is to tell you as soon as possible. Some kids are scared to tell what happened, and sometimes the pedophile threatens the child so that they won't tell.

Hopefully this man is not the kind of person who would do this, but sexual abuse is more prevalent than a lot of people realize.

TG

The short engagement really tips me off when there is a young girl in a house.

No, kids don't deal with it better. They simply learn that if parents don't want to listen to them, their feelings are "invalid" and should be kept silent/bottled in.

Listen to your daughter. Don't just tell her to talk to her mom, because that's frankly going to make things harder for her and just starts the stuck-in-the-middle experience that a lot of divorced kids have to endure. She needs to talk to EITHER of her parents - and if you're the one she's able to open up to because her mother's too self-absorbed, then listen to her.

Kids deal with divorce far better than the omnipresent "all kids get destroyed by divorce" rumor that's out there. But they're still kids - they need an ear to listen to them, even when they may not completely make sense to you. They need to talk. They need to figure things out - sometimes as basic as figuring out what they're feeling. And sometimes that means they just need someone who they know they can speak to.

She sounds completely reckless marrying some guy she just met two months ago. I can see why they didn't invite anyone. I also have to express worry over a ten year old babysitting. My son is nine, and I never leave him home alone. I could tell so many stories of young babysitters from my childhood. This is all typical Mormon stuff. Again, congratulations on ridding yourself of a fool spouse.

No--kids don't deal better. They just bury it and it can come out in ways like acting out in their teens, etc. You need to protect your daughter from her own mother.

This is a strange kid she barely knows. If this were the neighbor's kid, i doubt she'd be over there babysitting him at all. Tell your ex-wife that dd is too young to be responsible for another person. She's barely old enuf to start being alone herself for an hour while mom dashes to the store for some milk.

DD is too young to deal with this on her own. YOU need to step in or she's lost both her parents. What\s the point of you being 'dad' if she can't get you to fight her battles for her? Tell her to write a journal and put in every time she is made to babysit. It could come in handy in court should you need it. I can bet that even after you tell her mom and her husband that dd can't babysit for them yet, she will be told to anyway. She will then know she can call you if there's a problem and to get support from you, while you deal with the parents -again and again.

I was 11 and babysitting my 3 or 4 younger sibs. It was NOT fun as they didn't think they should have to listen to me.

good luck.

Exactly!

This is not a battle that the child should have to fight herself. This is where adults need to be involved.

ck the laws in your state on babysitting age.

journaling is good.... I would try not to demonize the mother to the child. Very damaging in the long run

find if it is illegal and talk to mom, spare the child

That's exactly what I was going to say.

Journal, document every thing. Find out baby sitting laws.

The reason to document, is this could turn into a custody case For your x and her new honey. Does the 6 year olds mother know who is baby sitting her child? What does she think about that?

First of all your daughter isn't old enough to be baby sitting. I'm guessing she's not had a cpr class or would know what to do in many emergency situations. She, herself should not left alone for any extended period of time. If she is left alone she needs to have someone close by who can help her if anything comes up. Your ex wife and her new honey are being selfish and irresponsible.

I don't know what the custody arrangement is, but if it's an every other week-end kind thing, they need to put their hormones on hold for the week-ends they don't have the kids. Kids take priority over their alone time outings. They should be spending time with the kids and doing things with them to help them adjust to their new situation. If anyone should be getting more attention in this situation it should be the kids not the adults. The kids didn't ask for this.

She wasn't babysitting alone...her grandfather was there although he's a bit flaky. Might as well have been alone, but technically nothing illegal.

I will revisit the rules with her again this week (rules about her body, inappropriate touching, etc.)

So for the past hour I've researched the internet and found out tons on the new hubby. His legal record is clean, not even a speeding ticket. I found records of his first marriage and divorce. From his facebook page I now know what he does for a living and can estimate his age. I even found feedback he left on Amazon, so I know what his interests are also. Pretty freakin amazing what you can find out...and it helps he has an unusual name.

From everything I've seen on him so far, he's ok. Still, if I were to get remarried, I would introduce my new wife to my ex...just out of respect, so my ex would know who is around our daughter. I guess when you're "in love" you just don't think straight.

Ive never seen a "mandatory minimum age" for BBsitting, I think that's a Myth.

but I agree, most 10y.o.s aren't mature enuf.

Your ex ... Wow is all I can say. Self-Centered? Yup.

So, basically, the 10 year old is babysitting a 6 year old PLUS a flaky grandfather.

Your daugher should not be in such a situation, put a stop to it.
That is too much forced responsibility, even if she were 16 or 17

In an emergency, neither the grandfather nor your daughter would know how to respond.

Here is a good source for facts.

It is different state to state

http://www.ehow.com/facts_7628668_babysitting-age-laws.html

and if the Grandparent is there.... well...

I've been a lobbyist here (Washington State);

it's difficult for me to envision the legislators I knew as having much incentive to get into the parent-child relationship that directly.

I can think of a HUGE Downside: if the child is just over the minimum age, some parents will interpret that as justification, even when the child Clearly Isn't capable.

although their could be 'guidelines', It's a minefield to turn something like that into a statute.

that said I think some parents 'Like' the idea of ALL of the details of their life being decided by others (sound familiar?).

I was a personal aide for a quadrapalegic lady for about 2yrs. She had her own home and 3 kids under 10.

Of course I felt like I was babysitting. Under the law...everything was kosher.

Her parenting consisted of YELLING..... then YELLING LOUDER


Sadly, after I left her son discharged a rifle and shot his friend in the leg in the front room. No supervision
The boy recovered completely.

true