Background information: you quit the Mormon Church at age 20. Your TBM siblings have shunned you for 50 years.

Question: when one of them dies, would you spend $1700 to travel to Utah to attend their Mormon Funeral?

Or would you just send flowers?

I might send flowers. But that would be the most I would do.

Susan

I personally feel we must each do what works for us when a family member dies. Only you know what your relationship has been with your sibling. Only you understand what you can financially afford, and what emotionally works for you. I recently had an uncle pretty harshly judged for not attending the death of his brother. Knowing his advanced age and that of his wife, as well as his distance in miles and money to make the trip, I personally did not feel it mattered if he attended or not. I know he and his brother had a lot of good times until they became old men, and they did have a brotherly love.

Sometimes, loosing one we have distanced from emotionally and physically is a difficult process. Funny, that.

I would not attend. The 'plan of salvation' funeral will be the icing on the cake to the shunning you endured. They could view you as someone with your nose pressed up against the window.

You cannot win with them. If they ask why you weren't there, I would say I am not part of your life and I did not feel welcome.

I had my own good bye to my father at his grave after everyone had gone. The funeral was a joke and was insulting to every non-member there--even if I was the only one. I would have walked out except I could not have done that to my mother. I would not extend the same to my TBM siblings.

To my way of thinking it is not necessary to spend a lot of time, effort, and money to attend the funeral of someone who shunned me. It makes sense for me to treat them the same way that they have treated me. For half a century they have acted like I don't exist. So I will return the favor.

On top of that, you will be treating yourself the way you should be treating yourself. That is what is important to me. I have taken enough high roads for one lifetime.

Quite understandable. However, unlike TSCC, we are called to forgive. There is this last chance to forgive and, perhaps, to witness to your mormon family that you are above them and know something more.

Personally, I wouldn't do that to myself. Never mind what the person who died was like. It's the living that show up for the funeral that I can't take.

The snarky comments, the shunning, the looks, the whispers, and the judging. IF you make it through that, the then you get to listen to the plan of salvation being taught instead of recognizing the life of the person who just died.

It would take a couple visits to the therapist and a few months for me to recover. It's not worth it to me.

I wouldn't waste money on flowers either. The last 3 mormon funerals I went to there wasn't a flower in sight. Can someone explain that to me? Apparently I missed that memo.

Besides that, I would start thinking of the places I could go, and the things I could do with that $1,700. Maybe I would go bask on a white sand beach in the deceased's memory.

For less than $1700 you could pay for a local mass for the deceased and send a record of it to the family even if you are not Catholic. Or something like that...a memorial service somewhere.

If it were I, I'd take Mia's advice and honor your deceased sibling by soaking up sun on some great beach somewhere or doing whatever makes YOU feel happy and peaceful.

TBMs don't understand or even recognize a high road when one of us takes it. Wouldn't waste me time trying.

You might make a donation to some charity in your brother's name, especially if there was some particular thing he cared about (humane shelter, homeless, etc.). I lost a dear cousin last year and sent a beautiful floral arrangement that cost $200. Within three days it was destroyed by the August heat. However, the custom in my nonmo family is to send flowers, and I didn't mind. But I still thought the Jewish custom of not throwing away good money but doing something worthwhile with it is far superior.

I will contribute to a health research charity in the name of the deceased if the family lists it on the obit.