If you haven't been paying attention to my posts (which is a moral failing on your part - possibly even a character deficiency), I've been documenting my PTSD symptoms in agonizing detail.

All of my emotions are slightly off now. I know how they should feel and which emotions they are, but they aren't the same anymore. Each one comes with fire. It doesn't matter - positive or negative emotions all come with a burning. As if my brain had contracted chlamydia.

I'm not sure whose whore brain did that to me (I do actually - it was god's - the pervert), but I guess that's why my brain should have been wearing protection.

Diseased brains or not - my emotions are jacked. Anger, hate, love, jealousy, pride, fear, excitement. They all come with a flash of intense heat that shouldn't be there.

It's frequent and distracting enough that I sometimes look forward to when I become completely disconnected. The numb brings the cold.

Fire and ice.

:( Sorry Rap.
I'd bake you cookies if I lived in Cali.
Go listen to Meshuggah:)

I don't know if you will believe me or not. But what you described sounds very much like PMS and menopause. I've had both, and that's the best description i've ever read.

The difference is, pms is only about 1/4 of your life between about 12 and 50 years of age. Menopause can last for a couple months, or 10 to 20 years. Either way, it's basically hell for you and everyone around you.

Yikes! Sorry Raptor.

(Now go run and then read.)

Cheers, RJ!

Human

Medication side-effect, RJ?

I think you have the opposite symptoms of Lost Mystic - as if you've absorbed all his emotional energy. Psychic
vampire raptor.
Seriously, though, it sounds way intense. I hope it gets better for you.

LOL

Very true...but both versions suck!

Hang in there. Cheering for you all the way. You're bigger than ALL of it.

-Flyboy

You know I went through some tough sh!t I've never written about. Not PTSD but something that messed up emotions. I made it through it, but I first had to identify the source of the problem and eliminate it. Meds helped too, and I no longer need them. Have you seen a good doctor or psychiatrist?

I was going through some similar stuff a while back during a divorce and loosing my kids to the ex. It is tough but look forward to the next phase where it usually gets better.

I use med and talk therapy with my therapist. I also have been writing and that helps. I know you are a writer so keep at it if it helps to get things straight. There is a lot of research about writing therapy to help in healing PTSD.

I'm a Vietnam vet and have PTSD thanks to the conflict. My symptoms do not agree with yours but then again we're all different. I get violent if I'm startled by loud noises and there are certain movies I do not watch as it brings back memories that I don't care to relive. These are just a couple of triggers but there are several others that also make me want to kick some ass.

I wish you the best. If possible, seek professional help.

ST

I guess everyone really is different. I tend to shut down. I have had PTSD for years--because of beatings and torture in early childhood, and also very violent spousal abuse in my first marriage. Victims develop PTSD for real reasons! A psychiatrist diagnosed me, and because of bad reactions and side-effects, he has not given me meds, but has used cognitive-behavioral therapy, instead. He prescribed lorazepam, which I use to get me through awful situations.

Therapy works! I had screaming nightmares for 15 years after I escaped from my abusive temple marriage. I had flashbacks whenever I saw someone who looked like my ex, or heard in church the scriptures my ex used to quote, or saw someone being hit, or if I witnessed males dominating and belittling females in general. Sitting in Mormon meetings and adult SS classes made me anxious and depressed. I would get headaches and stomach aches on Sundays, and would often have to go to bed for 20 minutes or so, when I got home from church, to decompress. I would tell the children, "I need a few minutes, before I start dinner." Then, I would get into bed--still in my clothes, and pull the covers over my head, and I would soon feel normal again. My job was/is stressful, but I don't have this reaction at all, with work. I love my career, and would look forward to Mondays and would dread the Mormon weekends.

If you can't get therapy, what The Man In Black wrote is KEY!

>>"I first had to identify the source of the problem and eliminate it."

This took me several years, as there were several sources to identify. I had to eliminate all contact with my abusive brother, and, of course, escape from the Mormon cult. There were some problems I didn't even know I had. For example, my parents had lived with the facade of being a perfect, loving, Christian family. No one loved me at all. My parents didn't care enough to protect me from my evil brothers. They didn't even interview my scary fiancee. The big brother who bullied me was a pedophile and had bi-polar disorder--but my parents denied that there was anything wrong with him. My oldest brother was stealing many thousands of dollars from my parents' estate. When my parents died, he and his son took almost everything that was left.

Horrible things can happen to us, which are out of our control--and WE are the ones who have to deal with it. Usually, our abusers get off scot free. Over the years, I have had to take legal action when necessary, which has helped a little. I have warned others about known pedophiles and con-men, and have helped loved ones avoid real damage in their lives. I do volunteer work for battered women and their children. At least that is something.

I'm sorry for you, Raptor Jesus. I'm sure that all the good you are doing for all of us on RFM is helping you recover. Keep up the good work!



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 06/07/2012 05:56AM by forestpal.

I just got an insight into RJ's PTSD panic. When I started researching and writing, I experienced the same kind of episodic resurgences which would last for weeks. The thought of actually publishing was frightening, because I feared backlash from mobots. I kept working on it, and became more comfortable. The move to a minimally Mormon area did wonders. Since RJ has just published, I would think that what is behind it is paranoia, you know, Danites, and all that. Once his inner being realizes that the Danites won't get him, he should be able to settle down. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Flooding_%28psychology%29 Luckily, I just kept working on it, and gradually the symptoms faded. I just backed off to 25 mg of Seroquel a day.


I also have a good spiritual and psychological support structure from the largest organized church in the world.

Text:373 pages, Selected readings: 459 pages. Less than half as dry as Mike Quinn's works. I dare to be me.



Edited 3 time(s). Last edit at 06/07/2012 01:19PM by me.

sending Positive Vibrations!

I have not been to any social settings in 3 wks now. I stay low, when from experience, I can't trust my responses. Even here I just keep trying and do delete some things I have said 10 mins later.

Picked up my blood pressure medicine yesterday (had to)... went the back way on 25 mph streets. Some little blue car came up so fast on me...and passed me! he must of been doing 40.

I had to pull over and do some centering sheeet, deep breathing etc. Far better than chasing him down, which was my first thought, lol. I thought I could shoot out his tires because he was a danger and get away with it, it was a passing rage.

my thoughts are with you



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 06/07/2012 01:30PM by mindlight.

all i can do is send goo vibes your way and to wish you good health in the future! :)

If you watch the news every day and see all the crazy looney shit around you. You will not be normal if you can just push it all aside and not realize the agony of existence around you every day. I don't mind being called weird. I find it funny when Californians call people weird. Mostly because I expect inherently Californians to be very open-minded, which I find most are. I thought that was the Utah thing to do.

As one with a higher education, I just don't like the word weird as a personal pet-peeve. Don't worry about being weird. Everyone has a place. Just don't lose your shit and make that place behind bars and everything else is just life.

as Mia said. I do know the difference between the surges of heat. I do have them when I think of anything that makes me stressed out--especially at night. I hate them.

I am not on meds--except have lorazepam like forestpal said she does--for the bad days. I have a hell of a time falling to sleep--



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 06/07/2012 03:58PM by cl2.