For many many years I had a problem I didn't know I had. Religion and family were all rolled up together. There were no boundaries, no lines, no beginning and no end.

If you are Mormon, it's set up that way intentionally. The church teachings do their level best to erase those lines. It causes a lot of dysfunction in families, and in the church. People inject themselves into other peoples business without any qualms. Your family uses religion to manipulate and control family members. The lines get very blurry.

I was extremely frustrated by that situation, but couldn't put it together and articulate what the problem was. People at church were so out of line, crossing lines they had no business crossing. I let them do it because my parents raised me in the church and I was taught that I had to let that happen in order to be a good mormon. My family was not any better than the people at church. No privacy, no respect, no compassion, no support. Shaming, controlling, manipulating, all in the name of being good church members.

It wasn't until my mid 30's when I went to therapy that I had this situation pointed out to me. That in spite of what everyone said or did, my parents were NOT the church, and the church was NOt my parents. That was a big revelation to me. An aha moment.

I had to draw some lines in the sand. At the time I was 2000 miles away from my parents, and not active in church. Conversations with my parents mostly consisted of lectures that were judgmental, shaming, scolding, and manipulation to get me back into church. I had to put a stop to that. My parents were furious when I told them that I loved them and wanted to have a relationship that was about love and respect, not church and shame. They pretty much stopped talking to me altogether. They couldn't carry on a normal conversation. They were consumed by their religion. 25 years later it hasn't changed.

Later I became active in the church again. This time I had boundaries. The people at church had to mind their manners, and their own business. No unannounced visits. No meant NO. They didn't have open unlimited access to my spouse and children. My family came before church, always. This made a lot of people very angry. I had a lot of very nasty things said to me. I stuck to my guns.

After living that way for awhile it became very clear to me how entwined my family of origin is in the church. They will always be that way because they don't want to change it. Once I figured out where the church ended and my family began it was a real eye opener to me. The enmeshed relationships works very well for the church. They get involved in family business they have no right to be in. The set up gives them an open door policy to almost every TBM. Most members don't realize the door does not swing both ways. I think the internet is slowly waking some people up to the realization that the church is hiding behind closed doors while demanding openness from its members.

It's not necessary for families to be without limits when it comes to church. In fact, its very damaging. It took me a long time to untangle the two. But until I did, I couldn't see either one for who and what they really were. The lines were so murky I couldn't see where they should have been. It took me a long long time to figure that out.

Thanks for the thoughts

You're welcome.

I think this is a problem a lot of younger mormons have. They don't know it can or should be any different. It can keep them stuck. It gives other people power over them. They don't know how to break the cycle.

I could have handled that being a lot longer. (I honestly tried to think of a better way to phrase that...) I love your insights!

If you don't mind me asking, why did you become active again? I did the same, and I am still asking myself that question. I found I didn't believe when I was 14, and my mom said I had to attend til I was 18. Then I left home and it was 20 years later, when I had kids I went back to church. After 20 years in the church, I left for good about 10 years ago. Just curious why others would do that.

It really is mind numbing isn't it? I did the same thing. I didn't believe but when I had kids I thought I had a responsibility to teach them about god. They were in their teens before I woke up and asked myself what in the hell am I doing. I guess I needed to empty myself of anything of substance before I could fill the void with ideas that actually did make sense.

I, too, want to thank you. You articulate your observations really well. :)

Thank you for the compliments. So nice to hear. Especially after years of getting snarky looks at church for just about every thing that came out of mouth.

Ok, here goes. Why did I go back?

I was out from the time I was 20 until I was about 35.

When I was 27 I was living with my fiancee for a couple of weeks right before the wedding. My mother was furious that I wasn't marrying a mormon, and she went on the war path.

I lived way out in the country on 10 acres of woods. I didn't know anyone in the town near by. I hadn't been to church for 7 years.I was just living my life, and minding my own business.
One evening 2 guys in suits knocked on my door. I had no idea who they were. They handed me an envelope and told me there was going to be an excommunication hearing for me in a few days. I closed the door, threw the envelope in the garbage. I was surprised that I felt a weight off of me. It was a huge relief. I was fine with whatever they were doing. I didn't care.

I got married. had two kids. Moved to Michigan. 2000 miles from home. I was married for 10 years. My husband was a CEO for a company back east. He had a problem with alcohol and keeping his pants on. Hard as I tried, I couldn't fix that one. We got divorced. I was exhausted, and just wanted to pack up my kids and move back where I came from.

Just as my divorce was final I was driving home from my attorney's office and decided to stop and have dinner at a small diner close to my house. The last thing I was looking for was a man. Long story short, I met my current husband there. I didn't want another husband. No thanks. He's a smooth talker though. Haha. I wouldn't advise anyone to do what I did, but I got married 6 months after my divorce.

He had a son that was 4. My kids were 4 and 5. We had custody of all three. We were lucky our kids adored us and each other. They got along better than most kids I knew. Sweet little people to this day.

We started talking about taking them to church. We felt like we should. We lived in a pretty religious area. Our kids friends all went to church. We couldn't decide which one. We visited several. I never even considered mormon. The closest church was in a different town 30 miles away. Not an option. I hadn't missed it. Not a fan.

However, one day when I wasn't home the mishey's were out tracting and knocked on our door. Hubby invited them in. They were kindred spirits. They really hit it off. Groan......so off to church we went. We went for 3 months. It was a very transient college town. Nobody seemed to notice us. The mishey's got transferred. We kept going to church. One day the bish asked my husband his name, and asked him if he had a calling. That's when they found out we weren't members. New mishey's were assigned. Once again, one of them really liked my hubby. They became friends. One thing led to another, and my entire family got baptized. Oh we were the golden family. WE were treated like royalty. I had no idea mormons could be so nice. We were invited to dinner by a different family once a month. We made some good friends that we still have. We were taken in like family. Actually I was treated better than my family treated me. It was a nice time in our life. I worked with the young women and my husband was in scouting with our boys. I already had my endowments and my husband went and got his. We didn't get sealed though because our kids felt bad about their other parents. So we held off until they were ready.

They were junior and seniors in HS and my husband got transferred to the West Coast. I was sooo happy. It was like going home for me. Kids were excited to go live in a big city. We moved into the ward from hell. That's a whole other story. We moved again into another ward. By this time our kids were saying they thought we should get sealed. We started the process. We had been recommend carrying, tithe paying TBMS for 20 years at this point.

The sp was on a major power trip. He didn't like us. I think he was jealous of us. Him and a couple neighbors started to make like miserable. When we met with him about getting sealed he wouldn't sign the papers. He told me i had to confess and put in writting every sin i'd committed in the last 30 years. I was stunned, and pissed. I reminded him i'd been baptized 20 years ago, and held a TR ever since then. I told him he was asking me to deny Christ and to do what he was asking was rubbing the atonement and all Christ stood for in his face. I told him I wouldn't do that or for anyone. Several letters were written back and forth between SLC. They told him to sign my papers. He wouldn't.
I went home that day and listened to John Dehlins podcast on how to stay Mormon. Then I went onto mormonThink to do some research. When I read about the BoA, I was done. Once and for all. I shared it with my hubby and kids. WE resigned 3 months later. And thats the short version of my journey.

Thanks Mia. I wouldn't mind the longer version though. :) I also wouldn't mind attending an apostate ward and listening to you give your "snarky" comments at the pulpit. Ever since I read about you telling your kids to lie to the bish about their sex lives during interviews, you've been on my list of heroes. Your sp does deserve a round of applause though. Sounds like he got you started on the research and that was a good deed!

Your thought about the church hiding behind closed doors while demanding openness is a real eye opener for me. I think your observation is spot on. I hope my two remaining TBM siblings will someday see this before dragging their children through the temple. Thank you for sharing this Mia.

I thank you, too, for your great story! Good point about the closed doors. We are summoned into an invasive "tithing settlement" in the bishop's office--yet the cult never opens their books to us. Other churches publish their financials online, for all to see.

I am still unable to separate the cult from my family, but I blame my family for that. They took orders directly from my GA relative, and the other leaders. That included keeping up the phony facade of being the perfect Mormon family. We were dysfunctional. Women were second-class citizens. My brother was mentally ill, and my parents denied it. In those days, Mormons did not believe in psychology. My brother was allowed to abuse me, without any punishment, and my parents did nothing to protect me. There was no love. I left home a week after high school graduation, forever.

Thanks for this thread. It is interesting to know that some others returned to Mormonism. I did, too, when I was divorced and raising my children alone, with no support. I felt that my children would benefit from the Mormon church, so we became active again, after being away for several years. My ex had just moved us to a new and strange place, in Utah. We needed the instant friendship. We were in a ward from Hell, too, and the priesthood leaders physically beat my boys, for sleeping in and missing meetings. The bishop's older hideous son tried to molest my little girl. My kids told me about all this one Saturday, and we came to the conclusion this cult was not of God. Duh. Then we found RFM and the TRUTH.

I do blame the cult for these abusive behaviors. Abusers like the bishop's son and my brother are condoned in the LDS church! My brother bore his testimony every month without fail, and he manipulated others into feeling sorry for him. The bishop's son went on a mission, and was elder's quorum president. The men who kicked and threw my sons around were promoted to stake president, mission president, and bishop. I can't separate the Mormon cult from the actions of its members. These people (and my family) are BRAINWASHED.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 06/08/2012 05:45AM by forestpal.

There's a degree of individual/family/church enmeshment with Mormonism that I don't think that you find with most other denominations. Other churches you go once a week for an hour or two and that's it. You are expected to have a life outside of church.

I enjoy your posts, Mia. You have a lot of insight into your past and you are a very strong woman.