Thanks for all the great responses last night. Gave my nevermo's husband and I lots of things to think about. As luck would have it- we heard from our dil today. She is working hard on convincing our son (convert 2yrs-ago) to Maybe let us babysit our grandson we have not seen in months... Why?? Because we adore him? Nope we've been there for them since they started dating? Nope it's the right thing to do? Nope

She misses her date nights out with our Son.

It's very frustrating and hurtful and just plain stupid on her part not to see when you have loving grandparents that want to just love the baby. No agenda- just want to take him to the park' play at our house, just normal stuff...
My husband is convinced none of this will ever happen. Even though dil seems to be the sweetest thing ever . She sure seems controlling? And manipulative? What is the most effective way to communicate our desires to her about spending quality grandparent time with the baby? I've asked her many times to get together.. Always an excuse not to. Passive aggression was mentioned to me last night here.

I would talk with your son and demand an explanation. Regardless of whether DIL is controlling, and I have a SIL like that who does her best to limit my brother's time with his family, your son has a say and should stand up to her. I would also tell him that if the problem is beer in front of the child or whatever, that you will abstain while you have him. I hope you can work it out. Even if DIL just wants a free babysitter, that is promising, but keep in mind that they are the parents and you might be hurt now or down the line. They have the ultimate say..



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 06/15/2012 10:12PM by bona dea.

I agree! Any time with him is worth it :) funny, we never do have a beer or wine with him around.. He keeps us hopping! I've been going back in my memories trying to find a reason for the sudden change in our son and dil.. I really think it was the bday party and our side having a beer in public.

My problem is getting my son to talk to me. She's the only one we hear from?! As his mom, I feel she's threatened him? To leave? Take the baby? Not sure..He sounds afraid to me... I just get a sense she's standing on his heart- and using their beautiful son as leverage.. This is his first marriage. We didn't find out she'd been married before, till a year ago.. By accident. I wonder often if my son even knows this about her. All four of our nevermo kids were raised to communicate openly and honestly. Lately he "sounds" different.. For example he said weeks ago "you have conflicts" with many people, Mother. Mother? I've always been Mom.. Conflicts- never heard my son ever really use that word- especially to describe me. He did not go into detail, instead had to go! And hung up.

Can you go see him at work or someplace when she isn't around? I wouldn't attack her or he will be defensive, but I would demand an answer. If religion is the problem along wit beer, make whatever compromise you are comfortable with.

Well, my Son (new convert) just called and we had it out about why we aren't seeing our only grandson.

We welcomed his bride into our Family ... Did everything we could physically, financially and emotionally for all three of them.. And his excuse for me is

You are not "Nice enough" to her (TBM) Family- ?????!!!!

WTH does that mean?? We are the only Grandparents that aren't
TBM.. We went around in a circle for 30 minutes with me finally telling him he's broken my heart since he joined this "church" and has turned his back on All of us.. His voice never waivers... Very condesending... Like he's talking to a Damn kid not his mother of 30 years...he wasn't interested in any of the Facts?? I had to get off of the phone, I was crying and his comment: are you drinking alcohol? I don't drink and he knows that??!! I am totally lost, having surgery tomorrow and my blood pressure is off the chart... His wife, TBM who was there just left me a message in the most viper-sweet tone "best of Lu k to you tomorrow- we will be thinking of you" why are Mormons so FAKE??? I could feel the lack of sincerity thru the message machine. !!

First off, you're not imagining this.

Second, try to calm down and put this all on the back burner until after your surgery. It won't do you any good to be distressed while you're trying to heal.

This situation is going to take some time. Keep coming to this site for support and insight. Nobody understands what you're saying the way exmormons do. We know what you're saying is real.

I have a syrupy sweet TBM DIL myself. She's also extremely controlling and manipulative. She's very frustrated by my lack of falling for her shit. I'm polite to her. It's pointless to be up front with her. She will melt down and cry, then turn on you with a vengeance like you've never seen. Her #1 weapon will be the grandchild that she knows you care about.

Your son probably can't wrap his mind around what he's dealing with. He didn't know shit like this existed until he met his inlaws.

I feel so bad that you are in this situation. Please try to put it aside until you recover from your surgery. Take care of yourself, because you're no help to anyone if you don't take care of yourself. I wish I could say something more helpful. This is all I can think of at the moment.

Get well soon, and hang in there.

Dear Mia- thank you soo much!it meant so much to me-- someone is listening to my "rejection" from a son we love more than anything. I've never been told by anyone I'm not nice??!! And it hurt me-a lot!! You are right, I have to take care of me right now. Hugs!!

I'm so, so sorry that you have to experience this. No matter how much they suggest that you are the crazy one in their perfectly rational world, THAT IS NOT THE CASE.

Though I don't know you at all, I know Mormons. You are sane; they are twisted.

Recover from surgery, seek validation here (that you are a completely decent human dealing with cult members) and worry about the rest later.

Again, my deepest regrets to you about this unfair situation.

Sounds like it's your son who does not want the baby with you.

Hate to tell you this, but sometimes you just have to back away and say The hell with it.
Let them find their own babsitters.

I think tou are setting yourself up for serious emotional pain and heartbreak if you continue to love a child whose parents don't want you around.

Your son is the one who should have better sense but he is deluded by the cult and evdently does not deem you "worthy".
It's emotional blackmail,walk away from it.

About the only thing you can hope for is that the brainwashing will wear pff some day.
Until then, you have to guard your hearts, unfortunately.

Oops,sorry for the typos. Damn keyboard.

+1. Try the not-so-easy but time-tested Art of Letting Go.

Just another point of view here, not sure if it relates to your situation or not, but as someone who just had a baby (2.5 months) right now I am terrified to let either side of grandparents babysit and it has nothing to do with religion! (I'm ex-mo, my mom is the only TBM)
When both sets of grandparents were visiting the baby and while I was pregnant, they joked around about new safety standards for infants, they didn't listen when I would tell them what my son needed, ( my MIL literally told me the baby wasn't hungry after having seen him for half an hour, whereas I had been with him constantly for 3 weeks at that point and had a pretty good idea when he was hungry!), would take the infant into another room without asking, or after I said that it made me nervous to not see him, etc.
I realize that he would probably be fine with them, but as a brand new first time mom, I clearly am going to be slightly uptight about the baby! With no one listening to me about simple things like, no loose blankets in the crib, baby can't sleep on his stomach, making fun of me exclusively breast feeding plus other things, I honestly feel like I can't trust either side to listen to mu wishes about how to take care of my son!
The rational side of me knows that they all raised kids who turned out fine, that they do have lots of experience, but my crazy mommy brain makes me extremely cautious.
Now I'm not saying you did anything like this but maybe just make it very clear to them that you respect all their decisions when it comes to their kids, and that you will do anything that they want when it comes to their kids (not meaning joining tscc but never criticize their decisions unless the child is actually in danger). I know that they are not right all the time, and I know I'm not too, I'm just giving you a small glimpse at what may be going on in new parent brains that has nothing to do with church!

Need to vent, it sounds like the problem in your situation is less about their ability to care for the child and more about their attitude. Making fun of you? There's no excuse for that, ESPECIALLY because you are a first time mom.

I don't see how their making fun of you and criticizing/making light of your parenting choices could lead to any kind of the trust it takes to have them babysit.

Doesn't sound like that's the situation with Brokenhearted, but it's certainly a perspective worth considering.

I feel for you.

I’ve seen this kind of thing happen before.

Son or daughter marry and for whatever reason chooses their “new” family over their “old” one.

It’s a real heart-breaker for the parents of the son or daughter that does this. There’s not much you can do but back off and wait patiently for the “shininess” of the new family to wear off and see if they ever come to their senses. In the mean while you do your best to keep the avenue of communication open.

He’s an adult now and has made his choices and you have to live with it until he decides otherwise. Doesn’t make it any easier but that’s the reality of it.

Best wishes on your upcoming surgery and a speedy recovery.

If a family member, even a son or daughter, doesn't invite me in to their lives to make me a part of it I am going to say I love you, and then walk away. My life has room for those who love and respect me but I will make little room for those who will not defend or accept me. I can't control what they do and can't allow them to pilot my emotional well being. I'd go shower gifts and love on some other child or children that needed me.
I bet one day your son will regret it. After he feels suffocated. After he realizes that her family isn't all that. When the essence of who he is and how he was raised to be starts to disappear and be replaced by a shadow of someone he no longer recognizes. The lifestyle is only natural to those raised in it. A convert usually falls out of love with LDS ways within 5 years time. What seemed so good at first turns evil.



Edited 3 time(s). Last edit at 06/22/2012 03:14PM by suckafoo.

You might ask your son to give you an example of how you were not nice enough to her family. If you are at fault, and I am not saying you are, apologize. Otherwise, I would back off. There isn't much you can do about the situation and continually worrying about it isn't going to help. I have a family member who is a lot like that and it isn't religion. It is his decision to do whatever his wife says at the expense of his family.