It's been a month since I've been back to Utah, and recovery has been gradual.

A lot of my major symptoms have subsided. I no longer shake at night, the heat has gone out of most of my emotions, and I'm not triggering very often.

It's been nice to be around family and see some friends that I haven't seen in a long time. Staying with my parents for most of the time has made it harder for me to drink - which has been a good thing. I've also been incredibly physically active helping them out with major projects in their incredibly overgrown yard. Not to mention that I've been able to get back into Martial Arts for most of the days of the week. My instructor is a really good friend and it's been nice to catch up with him.

So I've been busy, active, and only drinking on occasion. And within the month - I've felt a lot better. Especially since when I first came - I was surprised at all of the "deprogramming" I needed to do with the surroundings.

However, I haven't been sleeping well. It hasn't mattered too much because with the break from work - there's very little that HAS to be done each day. Instead it's about what I choose to get done. But it's been really draining with how physically active I'm being and getting out of bed in the morning is more like pouring myself out of bed.

And what's odd is that I wake up in the morning knowing that I wouldn't be going back to sleep anyway - so I might as well just dump myself onto the floor and then crawl upstairs for a bowl of cocopuffs.

Part of this problem has been my fault because I've been a very naughty boy and have started imbibing on Mormon coffee again on a regular basis. It's very rare for me to have any caffeinated beverage, but I've been drinking cola like a Bishop out here.

The other part of the sleeping problem is that I've been having a lot of nightmares each night. The shaking and sweating under inflamed skin are gone - but the nightmares are still there. I know that many of them are stressed induced. The condo I own in Utah isn't doing anything on the market. No phone calls. Nothing. And the first date for divorce court is coming up.

Lots of unknowns with that last one.

While I'm happy with the recovery so far - I'm concerned about the physical exhaustion. Too much, and I may relapse. Yet, doing nothing physically will definitely cause a relapse. There's a balance I'm going to have to figure out.

I'm heading back up to Idaho on Sunday for Exmo fun and then to see some extended family. Afterwards - I'm back to Sacramento for a bit for the court date. Then I'll come back to Utah for another little while.

Also, another plus has been that things have been going very well with my immediate family. My parents are very glad that I'm here - and they've really appreciated the major projects that I've done for them outside. All of my family wants me to find a job out here and move back permanently.

Sorry. Not going to happen, but it has been nice to visit.

My mom's been very cute too. It was nice to watch some of the NBA finals with her (her favorite thing), and the other night I was playing Skyrim and she saw me and said, "Are you fighting a DRAGON?" And then sat right down to watch. Then, she was like, "Watch out for his tail! Now look out for his mouth! Oh, no he's burning you alive!!!"

Last night after dinner she asked me, "Are you going to play your game again? And will you be fighting another dragon???" And I told her, "I don't know. I have a lot of nerdy stuff to do like make potions and craft armor." But we did watch part of the NBA draft together.

When I come back, I'll need to take her to some movies. My dad is not a big fan of going to the theater - so they only go so often. And summer is a big time for lots of potentially fun movies.

My parents are really cool. If it just weren't for that cult!

But that is a different thread for a different time.

Thanks for sharing Raptor Jesus. It's great you're doing so well. I love the way you talk about your mother, I am practically green with envy! The movie thing sounds cool. Sounds like a fun summer.

I'm glad to hear that things are well on the family front. It's great that they are being so supportive.

Have you thought about renting out your condo? We are unable to sell our townhouse and are looking at renting it out, especially considering they are selling new units for $50,000 less then we paid for ours. Joy.

Best of luck working out the sleep problems.

Librarykim2

I am. Ex wants to sell and not rent. So we are discussing buy out options.

Ugh.

Yuck. Sorry to hear that. Best of luck getting it all worked out.

too bad the church interferes. I'm sure that having you around helps them see that you aren't influenced by satan! There is nothing in my life that is as fulfilling to me as when my kids are around me--and nothing quite like watching them and REALLY SEEING them--and thinking, "Hey, he's my son/daughter!"

You actually sound good. I hope the next little while isn't too tough on you in terms of the court date, etc.

Oh--and I was going to say--I LOVE Diet Coke--but I do much better off it. I'm off it again and I was going to treat myself with one yesterday and decided not to. I drank it FOR YEARS. I have more energy off it.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 06/30/2012 11:59AM by cl2.

I've been reading updates from you and am glad to hear you're doing better. It sounds like you're successfully maintaining a delicate balance with your health. I agree that cutting soda out of your diet can make you feel much better, so maybe try that if you're able?

I wish you the best.

Consider switching off the Coke and onto something like mineral water; still get something cold with lots of bubbles without all the excess chemicals.

Don't know if it's manly enough (or scaly enough) for you, but it has worked for me. I was up to 8-9 Diet Cokes a day (UGGH!!) and the switch over for me has made an amazing difference.

Best of luck and you're in my thoughts. Keep us posted.

I'm so happy to hear you're feeling better. You sound like you've calmed down quite a bit, and are enjoying the people you're around. That's a very good thing.

I also have trouble sleeping. I love coffee, and I used to drink at least two cokes a day.

I still have coffee every morning, but have realized if I have any caffeine after 12 noon I end up awake all night. The only time I have anything after 12 is if I am traveling, driving, and need to be awake half the night anyway.

Even when they don't wake me up, I can end up feeling tireder than I did when I went to bed. I finally learned how to direct my dreams in self defense, which helps a lot but I do still end up tired in the mornings. What seems to help me the most is to try and identify what stress it is that is triggering my nightmare. I can't always do anything about it but just identifying it sometimes convinces my subconscious that it's under control.

Best wishes, Raptor Jesus. I'm glad you're mostly doing better.

:)

Just be careful with working outside, in this heat, after drinking coke. That can get you dehydrated quickly. Lots of water or Gatorade - that's how the military does it.

Have you tried rescripting your nightmares? I have used it for myself with some success.

http://www.newyorker.com/reporting/2009/11/16/091116fa_fact_talbot

http://myswphd.blogspot.com/2010/12/imagery-rescripting-for-nightmares-ptsd.html



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 06/30/2012 02:09PM by robertb.

What's tricky is that for me - I have two "types" of nightmares.

I have the realistic ones and the cartoonish ones. I can control the cartoonish ones quite adeptly - but I can't control the realistic ones.

The difference is that the realistic ones usually involve a verbal fight where I am just completely and utterly out of control. I've triggered harder than ever and I can tell in the dream that I'm beyond any sense of control or reason.

The cartoonish ones deal with monsters and demons and such - these usually involve me being hunted down. And the re-scripting involves me using the cliche, "The hunted has become the hunter."

But the re-scripting takes a lot of energy too.

At least it does for me.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 06/30/2012 03:41PM by Raptor Jesus.

The book Inner Work by the late Jungian analyst Robert Johnson was very helpful to me during a period I was having horrific dreams (and sleep walking!). It is divided into two main sections, one on guided visualization and the other on working with dreams. It was very helpful to me. He gives good instructions and has a very helpful outlook. I would emphasize paying attention to his cautions about guided visualization. You need to make sure you are well-grounded and can get out of the visualization if starts to become overwhelming. That's especially important for people who have suffered trauma.

Some people just vividly dream a lot and remember it, others dream & don't remember anything. What is important about your dreams is that you might be trying to work through something. I had the same recurring dream for 10 years. It really affected me & I tried my hardest to figure it out and get it to stop. One night I finally talked about my dream with someone and during that conversation I figured out what I was trying to work through. Since then I still dream vividly every night but that recurring dream has stopped.

I don't know if this is true for you, but my experience with a recurring dream is to identify the *emotion* that pervades the dream and then connect the emotion to what is happening in your life. Often, for me, anyway, is that the emotion is an important one I do not want to acknowledge and accept.

That is interesting; I will have to give that some thought and maybe read that book you suggested for RJ. Dreams have always fascinated me.

I am dealing with my own deamons but I want you to know that next time I set up a contest for swearing in paragraphs you will be in the top 3!

Here are some clues in your own post:

Clue #1. You are in the middle of a divorce, and anticipating going to divorce court. This would give even the strongest person anxiety, insomnia, fatigue and nightmares.

Clue #3, 4, 5. You are selling your home, you are worried about splitting the money, you are thinking of moving.

#6. You are "drinking cola like a bishop." Ha-ha-ha-ha! I used to guzzle that stuff when I was at BYU, but now it makes me anxious and jittery--then I crash bigtime. Coffee has a lesser effect, for some reason, maybe because I have so much milk in it? Caffeine is bad for sleep. Like Cl2, caffeine and sugar ultimately drain away my energy.

#7. You eat coco-puffs for breakfast. Sugar for breakfast causes a quick spike in your blood sugar, followed by a huge downswing. If your blood sugar gets too low after breakfast, you can't make it up the whole rest of the day. You need to eat a combination of protein, vegetables and fruit, and slow-burning carbs, such as potatoes, beans, rice, whole grain bread, oatmeal. Trust me, I had a blood sugar problem until my doctor told me to eat this way.

#8. You are making life-altering decisions, and you are being pressured into making decisions you might or might not agree with. I'm sure these decisions go round and round in your head all night.

#9. You slay fire-eating dragons every night, and expect to not have nightmares?

#10. It is possible to live happily in Utah. You only have one mother! Your family sounds cool, and everyone needs love and support. My son moved back home when he got divorced, and he says it was a happy interlude for him. He paid off his ex-wife's debts, went back to the university to get an advanced degree, and worked at a night job. He really enjoyed the new friends he made at work and at school--all non-Mormons. He has his own house, now, a couple of blocks away. Utah is beautiful. You just have to focus your attention away from the rude minority.

#11. You mention that you feel better, and that a lot of your symptoms have subsided. Go with that! I think you are doing great, under the circumstances!



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 07/01/2012 03:09AM by forestpal.

Wish I had written that--but I'm lazy tonight.

Here's my story:

Chronic insomnia.

Reflux

Migraines

Found solution after much experimentation:

Eliminated sugar for breakfast--ended up with black coffee and crusty dinner roll.

Replaced soft drinks with water + lemon juice.

Mean Green Drink instead of lunch each day(per movie "Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead"), plus I add a half dozen fancy crackers or bagel chips and onion sour cream dip if I want. Not a purist here--gotta look forward to lunch.

When I go out to do errands, no more fast food. I take with me water and Green Drink.

Result: lost weight and started sleeping all night (!!!!) after years of insomnia, migraine headaches went away, and having the bathroom trots all night went away too.

I also started listening to these Tara Brach tapes I keep talking about, so I don't know how much of my problems were psychological, but this is how I decided to return to active life after my "retirement."

Changing my diet by buying a Vitamix was the fulcrum for change upon which everything else pivoted because when you feel sick, you don't want to exercise. When you feel sick, you feel sorry for yourself so there's that creeping in.

My daughter is a nutritionist and she says I healed through adding massive amounts of natural micronutrients to my body, which enabled it to heal itself. My son said, "What did you do to make your face look so young?" My other daughter asked me if I stopped eating meat. No, but I did cut way down.

Raptor, I just ask you to think about it. For me personally, my laziness is stronger than my gluttony. To pour myself a glass of something I whipped up three days ago and call that lunch feels like heaven. Saving money AND saving time with a liquid salad.

Yes....just think about how pleased your body would be to receive a stomach full of this action. It immediately says, "Ahhhh--that's what I'm talkin' ABOUT!

So glad to hear you sounding more like yourself. Congratulations on your gig at the Exmormon Conference. I plan to have a front row seat.

Best

Anagrammy

It was just an update.

It's not a problem that will ever be "fixed."

I've tried lots of things. Trust me.

It's the recovery that I'm happy about with the other symptoms. The only thing I was concerned about was relapsing. Taking away the forward progress so far.

Maybe this has nothing to do with anything...

I remember a couple years back when I changed from one anti-depressant to another, I had NIGHTMARES, WEIRD ONES!

Then I read that tiny little print on the big fold out page, and it actually said nightmares could occur if you stop taking the meds. They didn't last long.

Weird though.

Glad things are leveling out.

I have a question for you. When you imbibe in 'mormon coffee' an drink it like a tank (or whenever you get it)- could you note how you feel, what are your thoughts, and how does your body feel (energy? tired? relaxation?) when you are drinking 'mormon coffee' and then, say, in the two hours AFTER its gone.

I noticed, for me, that drinking french press thick gritty coffee, or strong brew coffee, with a touch of real milk cream & NO sugar - gives me all of the positive feelings that 'mormon coffee' used to give me, and NONE of the negatives that 'mormon coffee' used to give me.

I observed, that, for me, when drinking lots of 'mormon coffee' I get to feel less and less energy. and it is paradoxical but even with less to do I feel less energy getting up first thing in the morning too. Wow just like you.

I wonder if it is from an overgrowth of candida I start again is your tongue pink or white? I wonder if it is from assorted additives, any of which might make me have these reactions. I wonder if it is from the amount of sugar or corn syrup running my body's engine when I drink this stuff rather than nutrient based food and drink stuffs- I don't know at all. And why is it in the presence of 'mormon coffee' that I want to drink it all day long and get more and more rather than cut back? what is IN that stuff? & why does it cause weight gain or water and fluid retention- making it my legs feel heavy and just pound the ground like I effortfully crawl out of bed? How could it do that to me (back up my lymph flow with fluids above and below my scars from some long forgotten surgery.) Why is this 'mormon coffee' so detrimental? how could something so sweet be so full of sodium?

One final question: can you get your fiendish french press back and start sipping some gentile coffeee instead soon? Please? Just askin\

And because I don't like coffee - I usually go with nothing other than fruits and occasionally binging on chocolate.

All caffeine makes me crash. So it's not good.

I just have been very naughty recently.