Threads on turning down missionaries always bring up the idea that "investigators" need to fret over what mishies think. Or that nonmos and exmos are required to be mishie caregivers. No, we all like to be polite and to avoid unnecessary confrontation, but we're in no way responsible for the thoughts and decisions TBMs make.

First off, we can only guess what someone else is thinking. More important, we're not in charge of their thoughts. They are.

There's nothing wrong with trying to help TBMs see the truth. But it's always up to the individual if they want to try to comfront or deconvert TBMs, including missionaries.

We don't have to invite mishies into our homes for bathroom or drinks. We don't have to let them down easy. We do not have to plant seeds. It's fine if we want to do those things, but it isn't any kind of moral requirement.

I think the first priority for recovering exmos is to learn to act authentically. Anyone who feels that planting seeds will help their recovery needs to do that. Exmos or "investigators" who want to cut off morg contact have every right to do that in any way that works for them, without wondering too much about what TBMs are thinking.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 12/14/2010 08:52AM by Cheryl.

Oh, now you tell me...

Seriously the hardest part of leaving the church was worrying what everyone would think. Obsessing every minute over a thousand possible conversations, what others would say about us, and a dozen other concerns.

But in the end, my oldest boy told me something that was really helpful- he pointed out that the whole problem was all in my head. That people had already showed us time and time again how they really felt and that the only difference now would be that they would be free to say it out loud. But the real issue is whether I care what they say, considering that they were not in our lives before we went there and now they are not in our lives again.

In the end, nobody really cares. Once they are used to you not being there they will forget you and m,ove on to other like minded individuals.

If slugs under rocks like you, what does that make YOU?

I really truly don't care if my bishop thinks I'm a slacker, but it matters more when he casts me in that role to my wife and kids.
I certainly don't care what the brethren think, except when they mail messages to my wife and kids about what a slacker I am (via Ensign etc.).
A fundamental injustice of Mormonism, perhaps all religion, is that it dogmatically and stereotypically mischaracterizes EVERYONE, including themselves.
It wouldn't matter except where it matters, where you have a valued or necessary relationship that depends on trust, and they mistrust you.
It really really sucks to just be a basic conscientious citizen doing what you think is right, and they treat you with suspicion.

If your spouse sees you as a slacker why are you with her?

Mormonism aside, when a spouse choses to see a mate as "damaged goods" there are serious problems which need to be adressed.

The closer the TBM is to you the more it matters what they think.

Those who matter not at all are the ones "investigators" meet and reject.

I like these little concise quotes from this author. They are just what I need to stay focused!

" Ignore the opinions of others" The Four Agreements, Don Miguel Ruiz

"Whatever people do, feel, think, or say,
don't take it personally.
Others are going to have their own opinion
according to their belief system,
so whatever they think about you is not about you,
it's about them."

I won't be an ex-Mormon missionary. I don't care to "plant seeds." Nor do I need to disseminate information. The information is out there in bold red and always was. As my mission president used to say, "The table is spread out for you. All that remains is for you to partake." If someone is ready and able to accept reality, it's up to them to reach out their hand and take it.

I won't treat door-to-door missionaries any different than anyone else who does that sort of thing. When they come to the door, my response is the same every time. I say "No, thank you." and close the door.

I'm not going to be the adult. I'm not going to accept abusive behavior from anyone, including Mormons. I refuse to put up with gossipy family members or friends. If they talk trash about me for my departure from Mormonism, its the same as if they were to talk trash about me for any other reason.

I don't need to hide my coffee maker or my wine rack. I don't need to censor my conversations that make references to adult drinks. Why would it concern me that someone has strange notions about normal things as a result of their incorrect views?

In short, my life is every bit as valid as someone else's. I have the right to live my life as I see fit within acceptable social norms. It's Mormons who are the eccentrics who need to learn to live in the real world, not the other way around.

As are the lives of every ex-mormon.

You are very smart. The vast majority of Mormons do not want our help, do not want to hear about our experiences, and are always going to look down on us. Yes, it is tragic that some of these people are our family and loved ones. But once we accept that they are programmed to believe an apostate is a lower life form, we can set appropriate boundaries and move on to finding better sources of emotional support.

It's great if we can persuade some individuals to see things our way, or manage to maintain a level of mutual tolerance with certain family members. But as for people who make us feel like crap all the time, we have no responsibility to keep them in our lives.

"What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering."

From the Second Agreement: Don't Take Anything Personally
"The Four Agreements" by Don Miguel Ruiz

It's my view, that in one sense: when we take our power back, we don't take anything personally; we release ourselves from any negative impact of the opinions of others which very often results in needless suffering.

From spiritualism to mormonism to new age redundancy, your "new world view" is contingent upon the thoughts and observations of others.

Think for yourself once in a while. I think you'll find it quite liberating.

Timothy



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 12/14/2010 09:23PM by Timothy.

The look on my very TBM friend's face when I told her I "just wasn't into the Mormon thing any more" was priceless. Granted, she's one of the few who understands people could leave because of church history or doctrine because her dad almost left the church for those reasons. At the last minute, he decided to "keep sweet" and stuff his doubts. But she, at least, gets it. When I told her it bugged me that people were saying I wasn't in church because I was offended, she said "that's stupid if someone is saying that - you are too smart to leave because of hurt feelings." So maybe I'm lucky I have a friend who I can be more or less honest with... as long as I don't explain WHAT exactly I studied my way out with.

When you don't care, what they think, it's great. You can say anything, you can make people think, you can say what they are secretly thinking and frankly, it's hysterical. As long as you aren't rude or offensive, like they are, it can be hours of entertainment.

"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind."
— Dr. Seuss

I have this in my favorite quotes in Facebook, and I think it fits in with TBM's judging us on how we live. I don't have the need to hide my coffee machine, wine rack, or french press from TBM's, nor do I feel it's necessary to censor my speech if everyone in the room is an adult.