My mom is an incredibly kind, sweet person who takes genuine pleasure in serving other people. She remembers everyone, what they are doing in their lives, and never has anything bad to say about anyone. She is the most accepting and loving person I have ever known. I know that sounds a little too good to be true but that's the way she is. Or at least that's been my impression of her my whole life. But...

When Prop 8 came around my mom went door to door soliciting signatures. My first thought was "that's odd. That doesn't sound like mom." Then I figured the bishop must have asked her to do it, and my mom is nothing if not obedient.

Then I got a screwball email from her about some supposed NASA guy who was going over some data about regarding the earth's rotation over the past 10,00 years and "found" 24 hours and 20 minutes were missing. It's an old urban legend that's been debunked numerous times so I sent the link to her and cc'd everyone else she had included on the email. She was offended and angry, not because I had cc'd everyone else, but because I had pointed out the story was wrong.

A year or two later she sends me an email that Obama was refusing to sign Eagle Scout certificates (another demonstrably false claim). http://www.snopes.com/politics/obama/eaglescouts.asp

Again, no effort to investigate, but what was really odd was that the whole claim had been forwarded by some born-again woman who then went on to completely trash Obama and call him an "evil Muslim trying to destroy America". I thought she couldn't possibly have read this thing all the way through (I mean, language like this is so foreign to how my mom talks). So I called her up and pointed it out, thinking she just hadn't read that part. I read the line to her and said "Mom, are you SURE you want to be sending this kind of thing around?"

Again, she was angry and defensive. She was basically defending it. I was stunned, and my image of my mom took a hit that day.

And then finally, all her angry comments to me regarding my leaving the church. No effort to find out why I don't believe, just questions regarding my character, and frantic, often angry testimonies thrown at me.

So what's gradually starting to emerge now are two opposing images of my mom. First: The sweet, accepting, loving person I have always known but feels like she has to go along with everything church related, even if it goes against her better nature. or Second: A person who was always, just beneath the surface, a bigoted, angry and hateful person.

Honestly, I am still 99.9% in the first category but I hate the fact that mormonism has even placed that splinter in my mind.
One other thing, she's very smart and has all her faculties. This isn't a case of hr going senile.



Edited 3 time(s). Last edit at 07/15/2012 07:25PM by Ihidmyself.

How old are you? Maybe your mom has always been like this, you just didn't see it before. Or, your mom may be going through a phase in life where her beliefs are becoming more cemented.

Not sure, but it is interesting (and hard) to finally see our parents as just people.

Well, maybe in her final part of life she has determined that the way to get into heaven is by being a staunch, hard-nosed Mormon. I'm being serious, so please don't think I'm making fun. She probably really thinks that the Mormon church is true and right and she has to do these things.

I think Samantha is on to something. I have seen changes in people around that age in how they look at things. Maybe she is abit lonely and it gives her some attention from her peers. Probably at 80 .... she just wants to live and believe in what she wants for the last stage of life. It is her bubble.

Your are still learning and questioning and growing. She just wants to cuddle up with what's familiar to her.

Best.. but I really would not expect her to change. She is comfortable and you rock her known world. just my 2cents

She may be getting dementia. It changes a personality. My mom has it. Truly sad.

A change in personality and out-of-character angry outbursts are often signs of early dementia. I am in nursing and my patients are often in the first stages of Alzheimers (living with family or in an Assisted Living Facility).

Your mom being 80 definitely puts her in that possible category for dementia. Maybe have it checked out? And go easier on her. Fighting her belief system now (especially if she is delusional) is pointless. I've seen a lot of the same deterioration in my own mom this past year. It's scary to see those sudden angry outbursts and fixed delusions that don't respond to reason.

Just love her, I guess. She'll go to her grave Mormon. Maybe you just have to accept it.

((((Hugs))))

;o)

She could be all meek and sweet as home-made apple pie, or she could be the Manipulative She-Devil From The Hell That Is Mormonism.

I called her passive-aggressive and was done with it. When a woman gives over 100% of her sovereignty (let's call it Ego) to a cult that deems her a second-class being, she no longer has an Ego of her own to defend, but she will go to the mat to defend the Ego of the cult. Look at conflicts between two highly-controlling religions anywhere in the world: did you ever notice that whenever some "civilian" mad bomber got killed in a military engagement, it was the women of the bomber's religious group who swarmed the media in the village square demanding blood revenge? Meanwhile, all the men are doing is fighting for control of the highly-controlled. What sensible woman would do what those women were doing? But they aren't sensible - the only self-respect they are left with is the self-respect of the highly-controlled religion that treats them so badly, which demands total dedication to the highly-controlled religion.

In exMo terms, my opinion is that the broad majority of petty shunning and vicious treatment of the one who leaves (the exMo) is carried out by the females of the church. The blunt-stick power-plays, which in comparison are less frequent, are committed by the males trying to maintain their control. It's classic Psych 101 behavior.

"When a woman gives over 100% of her sovereignty (let's call it Ego) to a cult that deems her a second-class being, she no longer has an Ego of her own to defend, but she will go to the mat to defend the Ego of the cult."

Wow. That sounds really familiar. Usually, when dear old mum starts blabbering about the church, I ask, "when you're in the temple, do you still need to veil your face?"

I was just thinking this morning about how much I've changed over the past few years. I called my former self a "self-righteous prig," looking back at how different I am now. The older I get, the more I'm beginning to hate how people judge one another.

So just using that as an example, I now think that we can sometimes go through significant changes throughout our lifetimes. It's probably very confusing to those who have always had specific ideas about who we are.

But what we read, watch, and especially experience in our lives can shape who we are as we go along. My Mom is 84 and I've noticed some very significant changes in her over the past few years. Only in her case, she has mellowed a lot. She has been changing for the better. We used to have a rather strained relationship, but now we seem to see much more eye-to-eye on things. I never envisioned that happening, but gratefully it has.

It probably happens a lot more as someone enters the final years of their life. They begin to look back and see areas where they feel they fell short. In my Mom's case, she has mellowed, but she has also become stronger as well. She stands up for herself a lot more when she feels that someone is being unfair to her.

In the case of a Mormon woman, she may be thinking that she'd better get in line with her god, so that all will be well when she passes on. She needs to have all of her spiritual ducks in a row, so that she'll be prepared to meet the Mormon god.

Have you seen your mom in person lately? You might want to assess how she's doing if you haven't already done so. Elderly people can go through cognitive changes. They can also sometimes grow more rigid in their thinking, and lose some of the filters on their speech that have previously held them in check. Depends on the person.

If as far as you can tell these modes of thinking only go back a few years with your mother it might be that her mind is affected now (declining) in her later years. Dementia can manifest in subtle and not no sublte personality changes over time. You might want to read up on the subject. Some people never suffer from dementia; I hope your mom is one of those. But the matter is worth looking into.

I would suspect some cognitive change as well. My elderly parents started saying overtly racist things near the end of their lives, shocking their grandchildren. In my father's last days, he also said some cruel things to me about me not being mormon. He and I had always had a cordial relationship in spite of our religious differences,but near the end when his mind was not working well, he was hostile and mean. It is so sad to have that as a last memory of him.

Your mom and my mom ought to hang out. What you are experiencing is normal for the 55+ up TBM relief society set. Completely normal!

I vote for cognitive changes, possibly dementia. My dad, in his early 70s, has always had an EXTREMELY sharp mind, but both my husband and I have noticed in the last year or so that he is getting, for want of a better term, weird...similar outbursts as some of the things the OP mentions.

It's sad, but I really do think in many cases this is simply some type of age-related cognitive decline. Try not to let it damage your perceptions of the person you have known your mother to be for most of your life.

Anger, paranoia, being easily influenced by other people to do/say things out of character, general personality changes--these are all early signs of dementia. You may want to speak to her physician. You also may want to be especially careful in keeping track of her person and her finances. If this is dementia, it is at this stage that she would be most vulnerable to con-artists.

I hope for your sake, and hers, that this isn't dementia, but it is definitely worth getting her examined.

I guess its because she is Mormon and Mormons don't seem to have critical thinking skills. Mormons love to send forwards of these garbage right wing emails and they apparently don't bother to research any of it beforehand. I don't get it. I've had in-laws, friends, old ward leaders, etc. forward crappy emails all the time.

"Can't believe it! Obama signed a UN treaty with space aliens from Mars who are locking up all the Christians in detention centers! He's truly the anti-Christ! Vote the bum out!" Good Lord...

My mother-in-law and I had always been cordial. She was always vocally critical about my participation in my church, but she was civil to me and loving to my kids, until about a year and a half before she died she turned against me over what everyone in the family agrees was trivial. Now that she has passed, I'm reviewing my relationship with her in light of how she treated me those last months. The seeds of her behavior were always there.

It could be, as others have stated, that her aging mind is loosing filters and some judgement, and her deep-seated feelings are coming out.

The reality is people are just people. No one is completely good and no one is completely bad.

I'm convinced if you were to take the most wonderful, amazing person who ever lived and look at their 10% worst qualities you could describe a monster.

Likewise, take the most despicable person (say Hitler or Stalin) and look at their best 10% qualities and you could describe someone who is really great.

Everyone is made up of a complex tapestry. Your Mom, just as everyone else is just a person. You don't need to either idealize or villanize her, just see her as human.

Clearly you are seeing some of her weaknesses - she takes things as truth too quickly when they fit in with her already existing beliefs and is too quick to send them along. She is overly defensive when called on it. Certainly her Mormon background plays into this to some degree - but other backgrounds would to.

However she also still has those positive qualities as well. In the end, she's just a person. Love I think is learning to embrace the whole person, warts and all - very different than the Mormon version of love which is to "perfect" the person before they are worthy to return to their parent.

Someone else made a very excellent point that age may have a LOT to do with what is going on here!



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 07/15/2012 05:23PM by bc.

but one would never know what they really believe underneath, until some critical moment. That's when the ugly cult programming, and beliefs come out. Then you discover they will instantly betray years of friendship, and turn their back on you for the cult; they will undermine you, they will support hate or do hateful things without thinking (usually involving unquestioning obedience to the profit), they will support priesthood members who they KNOW have broken the law or done evil or immoral things just because they do not want to "speak evil" of the lard's anointed like the temple suggests, etc. They are programmed. They do not think independently. They will choose obedience for the sake of obedience over truth, and morality. It is sickening to watch, and worse to have them turn on you, because the truth does not matter to them.

I am not saying she is like this, but you may be seeing what was under the surface all along.

No one is all good or all bad. We are a mix of givingness and selfishness. Hold on to the mom you knew best and let go of the mom you knew least. At 80 you may be double dipping with your fingers in the peanut butter jar. Something you never would have done earlier in your life.