Just got off the phone with my younger sister. She just had a baby 4 weeks premature and they both nearly died during the delivery. She's been home from the hospital for about a week. She also has a two year old. She was almost in tears because tonight her husband told her that he will be gone for several days for girls camp this week, and then a few weeks later he'll be gone again for scout camp. All because he is a counselor in the bishopric and it is his "duty." And to top it off, he is claiming that she should be grateful because the bishop is going for the whole week both times, and his wife has 3 little kids and a new baby. Oh, and according to the bishop my sister has been "bred" to have babies and care for them by herself so why should it bother her to have him gone.

Assholes. Fucking assholes.

I'm so sorry your sister is going through this.

Like seriously? What would happen if her husband didnt go? Pretty sure girls camp can live without him. She is the one who needs him.Stupid cult doesn't care about families at all.

I didn't say anything negative about "the church". She already knows how I feel about that! I did say that it was ridiculous and I couldn't believe the "they" would even ask him to go under the circumstances.

I wanted to say "that's what happens when you belong to a fucking cult" but I decided it would not be helpful or supportive. I also wanted to call her husband (who I normally like a lot) a spineless, uncaring douchebag. So I am calling him that here. DOUCHEBAG! GROW A SPINE! PUT YOUR WIFE AND BABY WHO ALMOST DIED AND ARE STILL RECOVERING BEFORE A FUCKING MADE UP CHURCH THAT IS SUCKING YOU DRY!!!!!! >:(

How about calling the stake president and telling him that the bishop is making anti-family decisions, placing a calling before recovery from childbirth, the most sacred of all callings.

Remind him that nothing compensates for failure IN THE HOME and that if he does not take action, YOU WILL CONTACT THE MEDIA.

If you ain't got no satisfaction, call a reporter. The one thing that is more important than failure in the home is failure in thep public relations area.


Anagrammy

What a terrible thing for your sister to have to go through. Hopefully the injustice of it will be a wake up call for her that the church is not what it claims to be and perhaps one step on her journey out of the cult.

I have a Mormon sister whose husband left her to care for pre-mature infant twins while he went to scout camp. The babies were on oxygen, too.

I am so in love and grateful for my never mormon husband right now. He does not view the kids as "my" responsibility. He'd never do something like these mormon pricks and abandon his sick babies for stupid scout camp!

If it were me, I might not be there when he gets back-particularly if this is a regular thing for him.

Same with me. But I'm pretty sure that is why we're not drones in the LDS ranks anymore.

Honestly, my sister is opinionated enough that I am surprised she hasn't turned it into a "larger discussion". But it seems that even she has her limits when fighting the righteousness of the mormon penishood.

She will have to decide if he and the marriage is worth it. I'm not in a position to say I would leave him over it, but I sure would make an issue over it and there wwould be one hell of a a fight.

The thing is, normally, he is a really good guy -- a great husband and father. But ever since he got his calling in the bishopric, he has been changing. He left his mission early, father was inactive, so he has a little bit of an inferiority complex when it comes to LDS stuff. I am thinking that he is trying extra hard to prove he is a "worthy" guy and now is his chance.

Part of the reason I'm so angry is this is totally out of character for him pre-calling. It's like the calling has forced his judgement about priorities to become completely mixed up in favor of the church. I am watching the cult indoctrinate him before my eyes.

I have been watching it for months. First he shaved his beard. Then he cut his hair. Now he abandons his recovering wife and still house-bound newborn to indulge in spiritual masterbation for the benefit of random teenagers. Awesome.

This reminds me of my father in law. He just got called to be in the bishopric about 6 months ago. His daughter, who is exmo, is going through a divorce and asked her somewhat estranged father to come and help her and to protect her from her exhusband. He said he could come during the week, but he had to be back home in time for church on Sunday because... it was his turn to conduct.

wtf

Oh hella no!

Thanks dad. Don't speak at my funeral . . . kay?

What lengths would your sister go to have him stay? Has she even asked him to stay?

If you called your brother in law and told him this is just the kind of stuff you would expect from mormons, would he rethink his decision to go?

Can you make a deal with him? Like... stay home with my sister and I'll go to the baby blessing or something like that?

I'd be so sad if it were my little sister in this situation. :(

1. I don't know and yes.
2. No, because I am an apostate and I "do not understand" plus I am a woman which makes me doubly not understand.
3. I do not live in Utah where my sister is, so that is not an option.

I feel that getting involved in someone else's marriage can only bite you in the behind. This is something they'll need to work out themselves. At least I can assure my sister that she is not being unreasonable to expect her husband to put her and the baby before church crap. By listening to her, I can help her articulate her position. I can validate her feelings and frustration.

That is very... mature of you. I am far too hot headed for my own good. It is good that you sister still feels like she can talk to you even though you have different beliefs.

It took me quite a bit of therapy after I left the church to get to the place where I don't say everything that I think. Especially to family members with whom I am trying to maintain a relationship.

That, 15 years and about 900 miles. :)

I still get angry. I just don't pop off immediately. Maybe I'll say something I'll regret later......

Maybe that is my problem. I stopped going to church about 3 years ago, but I haven't DEALT with it at all.

Therapy may not be such a bad idea.

It took someone with a completely non-biased opinion for me to see how many of the behaviors I was engaging in were unhealthy. For me, one of my biggest problems was worrying about what others were thinking about me, what I thought they would do if I did certain things. Basically, I was attempting to control other people by anticipating their thoughts and feelings and reacting to what I thought they wanted instead of reacting to my own personal needs and wants.

It was exhausting and caused me to become very anxious and defensive around my family. Which then made my relationship with them worse. Once I had that pointed out to me, I started working on boundaries (of which I had none) so that I could maintain relationships with my family without them emotionally abusing me.

I still catch myself falling into some of my old patterns when I am around them for too long, which is why we live so far away!

Are you in a position to go help her yourself? If so, during the time that you are with her maybe you could gently share your perspective. Maybe if her husband figures out that an exmo is influencing her in his absence, he'll stick around a little more!

Luckily, all of the rest of my family live near my sister, and they are pretty supportive of her. She'll have some help from my other sisters and my mom. But it's the nights that are bad with a newborn, surgical healings, and a toddler who is adjusting to a new sibling.

He's gone so much already, between work and church stuff, that she already feels bad asking people for help. People will chip in, but she shouldn't need to depend on help from other people because her husband's priorities are so messed up.

What's the ol' chestnut they lob at women who work about no success compensating for failure in the home? I guess that only applies to the women who are trying to keep a roof over their families' heads. When it's the man who needs to be the priesthood figurehead for some indoctrination, er, youth camps, sure, go ahead. Abandon your wife and newborn and toddler. How can YW at camp and YM at scout camp possibly need him more than his wife and children do right now?

Birdie, I think you are very insightful that he is overcompensating for feeling less-than as a teen. I hope he finds some clarity before it's too late. Your sister and her children deserve better.

I think it's fabulous that you love your sister so much that you are spitting mad about this. My heart sank a little as I read it. I can only imagine what it did to your sister's heart. Sending good thoughts her way (and your way, too).

men go to girls camp? do women go to boys camp? what a loser husband. this is wrong, welcome to the morg!!!

Yes, they need 2 ph guys so the priesthood is at camp- for blessings etc. It doesn't need to be the guys in the bishopric tho. It can be any guy.

Not sure how generations of girl guides went camping! snicker!! To be fair, I never went to guide camp so maybe they had guys there for protection too, but i'm sure they didn't drag some dad away from his newborn kid and recovering wife!

Hopefully he won't be wanting sex anytime soon. :-/

I'm glad that there is some family nearby that can help her out. My mom and I stayed with my SIL for a month after her second, and very rough birth. We cooked, cleaned, etc. until she could get back on her feet. She was never left alone while she recovered. But it's not like my brother was leaving her to do frivolous activities.

Fucking assholes about sums it up. Don't want any more hardship for your family but kind of hope he gets hit by lightning :-/ jackass. IT'S THE FAMILY CHURCH!

This is typical. My BIL is in the Bishopric and uses all of his vacation time for Scout and Girls camp. Who needs time with their 4 kids. Sorry for your sister but this is what she signed up for.

That is so sad. I'm glad your sister and her baby are still here.
This situation is even more sad, because it happens all over in the church. It sounds like the husband is turning into a dick, too much penishood going to his head.

If your sisters husband feels it is more important to go to camp than the stay home with her and the newborn and two year old then he deserve a knee to the Priesthood.

Your sister needs to be putting her foot down and telling him he's going nowhere.

In fairness, all the men I know in the Church would not think twice about this decision. They would be excusing themselves from the camp and looking forward to time with the new addition to their family.

In my opinion he is using it as an excuse to run away from his responsibility in the home.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 07/17/2012 07:51AM by Stumbling.

Ok - this pisses me off too.

First off, a new baby is a lot of work. Recovery is a lot of work. A premature baby is HIGH MAINTENANCE - trust me, I know, I've had 2. (and when I already had small children at home) My first preemie we both almost died as well. So I kind of have an idea of what that's like. Add other small children at home . . . . well, preaching to the choir.

My dh was Branch President when I was in similar straits. I almost left him because of his continual putting everyone else (the church) above us. Even now, after over 20 years of marriage, I think I should have, and wish I had. The only reason I didn't is because one of his counselors and his wife took care of me and my family. In many ways, they were the father/husband he was not because they were THERE and cared for us. He owes them a HUGE debt of gratitude for still having a family.

TBM men in leadership are in leadership because I believe they are bred to and will put the church above all else. They will walk over the bloody, mangled corpses of their wife and kids dressed up in suits to attend meetings. They have it pounded in their heads that theirs is a sacred Priesthood duty. Must honor PH or not be found worthy. Throw in all the anectdotal Pioneer women stories and there you go . . . we endure to the end even under the worst of situations, cheerfully submitting.

Stupid cult.

The thing is - all the reasoning in the world won't get him to see what he is doing. For DH to see what he was doing to us, things had to get extremely ugly and it took years.

Is there any family nearby that can help her out? Is it possible for her to temporarily stay with mom, another sister? I had no one - we lived states away from any of our relatives. It was horrible. I truly feel for your sis. I'd say for her to not be there when he gets back home . . . but I'm afraid that would probably only cause him to believe that SHE is the problem.

1. Even the army is better. When our second child was born, I was in the service and received a special leave to immediately go to my wife and child. During a two week summer camp in the reserves, we had another child and, again, I was given special leave to be home.
2. I was fortunate that in 32 years as a member I was never called to a position that would take my time away from my wife and children, but I have a SIL who is so called and he needs to learn that he is more needed at home and for his own health.
3. The longest I was away for boy scouts was one night - and we have sons. Though our eight daughters went to girl's camp, I was never once called upon to be there. I was must fortunate, though if I had ever been, I might have never let them go.

They were both TBM but she finally laid down the law and said "are you married to me or to the church? If the answer is me, then you had god-damned well better ditch those church 'callings' and start spending quality AND quantity time with your family. OR ELSE." and SHE MEANT IT.

Unlike most of the idiot TBM spouses I read about here, this husband did realize the value of what he was being subtly led away from through the manipulations of his cult leaders, he shortly ditched his church 'callings' and began spending the quality and quantity time with his wife and family that he should have been making priority #1 all along.

There can be happy endings, but sometimes somebody needs a brick or a frying pan bounced vigorously off the side of their head in order to get the message.