Here's a quick recap of my post from last week, thanking everyone here for the kindness and support that my husband received here when trying to figure out how to tell me he wanted to leave the church.

A month ago, my husband (stuckinzion) told me he no longer believed in the church. I went through many emotions from bewilderment, to devastation, depression, disbelief, concern, wanting to save him, panic, a sense of betrayal, and more. I decided that if I studied with him, issue by issue, and helped him see the truth, that it was going to be my only shot at bringing him back.

Well.....things did not really work out the way I thought they would. We did study, but my study brought me around to his way of thinking. The outcome was not quite what I had anticipated. Now we are both leaving the church, but first we need to talk to our boys: 21, 18, 16, 12, and 8. We need to see where they stand, tell them what we know, and let them choose the path they wish to take. We will then be going in to talk to the Bishop to let him know where things stand. We have a kind, loving Bishop, and I know he will be blown away. He already knows about my husband, but we have been on vacation for 2 weeks and he has no idea what has occurred in that time. I only made my decision last Friday.

I'm writing now because we have had lots of questions about what made the difference in our situation. We have talked a lot about it, and we think we know why our marriage has worked out and survived, plus why I "turned to the dark side".

1) LOVE of each other: My husband and I have a very strong love for each other. We are high school sweethearts. He is a convert, got baptized at 18, then served a mission while I waited for him. He could have run away, he could have asked for a divorce. He loved me too much to do that. He faced me and told me the truth, knowing he could lose everything we have built together. I loved him enough to stick with him no matter what. He's a great man of character and integrity. He's not evil, he does not abuse me, he loves me, pure and simple, and I love him.

2) LOVE of truth: I have a scientific mind (Psych degree from BYU) and I have a great love of the truth. I agreed to study and find truth with him. I thought that truth would bring him back. I was wrong. Truth showed me that what I had lived and believed my whole life is wrong. My last remaining thread of "truth" was the BOM. I couldn't believe that a man could write it, especially not Joseph Smith. How wrong I was. Joseph Smith's own mother's words in her biography of him condemned him and changed my views on everything I thought I knew. I agreed to seek truth, and we both agreed to follow the truth no matter where it lead. My husband calls me his pit-bull, once I get my teeth into something, I have a hard time letting it go. Sometimes it drives him crazy, but this time he is grateful for it (and I daresay he will be grateful for this personality trait in me from now on).

3) ADMITTING the truth: I think every member of the church has an issue with at least some of the doctrine of the church. For me it was blacks not holding the priesthood and polygamy. Once I actually admitted aloud to my husband that I have issues with these two things and started looking for the truth about them, it opened the floodgates of my resistance. It took a lot for me to open up and admit this and to start looking for answers instead of sweeping these two issues under the rug.

4) PATIENCE and TOLERANCE: My husband was willing to let me stay in the church. He gave me a year before he would try to teach the kids what he had learned. We agreed within a week of his telling me that we would study issue by issue. I adamantly stated that I would not read anything "anti", or written to sway me away from the church, I would read only science, history, and objective facts. Never once did he push me to read something I did not want to read. We moved slowly through the material with me challenging his conclusions at every turn. He let me take the lead in our studies, never, never pushing. I know that our story is unusual. How could I have gone from a BIC TBM to an apostate in less than a month? I can hardly believe it myself. It's the pit-bull quality in me. I've been studying and reading like crazy. Once I found evidence in "History of Joseph Smith by his Mother", proving that he could have, written the BOM, it was all over for me.

So, that is us in a nutshell. This is what made the difference in our story. I hope it can help someone in the same situation. Love, love, love is the answer. Love, patience, tolerance, (repeat) and eventually seeking the truth.

Thanks for sharing. It is really encouraging to us who labor on to hear that a person shared their truth with their partner and it resulted in more unity--instead of a split.

I love it when people choose love instead of Big Brother.


Hugs- Anagrammy

Oh, me TOO!!!

I can't tell you how glad I am that you have come back to tell us about your journey. I remember reading your husband's post, and becoming so anxious that this was the beginning of another of those plentiful stories we see here about a family breaking apart because one partner discovered the truth and chose to embrace it. I can't tell you how delighted I am to hear that you two are sticking together.

You're a wonderful writer, and I encourage you to write your story's long version. We're living in a time of heightened awareness about the church, and I fear marriages and families are silently crumbling out of sight from most of us due to these issues.

I think your story could offer hope to many families who are facing the same terrible dilemma. The world could really use a well-written book telling the story about how one couple navigated their way through the minefield of leaving Mormonism and survived to tell about it.

Wow, thank you for your kind words. I never considered myself a talented writer. I'm better at the spoken word when trying to bring others to my viewpoint.

I am nearly brought to tears when I think of all that my husband and I could have lost if either of us was just a bit more stubborn, a bit more proud, or a little less loving. We came so close to being a "crash and burn" story. There were so many tiny decisions in this past month that lead us to the bliss we now feel.

I will have to speak to my husband about co-authoring our story and sharing it in the hope that we can help others to keep families together in spite of religious differences. (Poor guy is in bed sick and asleep, no fun on vacation.)

TMSH is right. You're a good writer. Yours is a great story, and you didn't even need Catholicism to bring you back together--which makes it even better.

Saving my marriage is a topic that is a big deal to me. For three years now I've patiently waited for my wife to see the light. It's been a rough wait, but I now think the chinks in her armor are starting to crack and victory is very near. I'm not ready to declare victory just yet, but it's looking more and more like victory every day.

Ha!

Although, I think yours is subtle enough to not get yanked.

I wasn't accusing anyone of anything. And neither are you.

Just making a fun joke is/was all.

I hope the OP is very happy. And that she and husband will be able to make it through the anger stage together.

All that LOVE talk is going to come in handy then.

This surprises me. Who am I supposed to get angry at? Why? For what purpose? To what end? I have felt many emotions during my journey, but anger is not one of them. I have felt many things towards my husband, anger is not one of them. He has been on this trek a lot longer than I have, years longer. He may have had some anger along the way. As for me, I don't see the point. Anyone I could be justifiably angry at is long since dead, and reaping his reward.

I have had anger. I'm also the husband who was out before my wife in my own story, but now that she's joining me that anger is going away. My sweet wife doesn't understand why I was angry. I think it's a matter of perspective. I thought the church would take my sweetheart from me for a long time. She came out second so she never feared that loss, or developed that anger.

You might not reach an anger stage. All the better. Couples that survive this transition are rare. So rare in fact that one of the most infamous pranks ever done on this board involved one such couple that made it work. It was rare so it was fascinating. It was also proven to be a hoax.

I'm convinced that your story is authentic. In your position I see no reason for anger.

@The Man in Black: I do think my hubby had to go through more than I did because he had to do it alone. I have the luxury of knowing he loves me and will not leave me for this. He had to face the fear and wonder if he would lose it all. He also was angry at the church. Me, not so much. I'm grateful for the things I have because I have been a member my whole life. We are now working on extracting the portions that do not feel right.

I won't tell you what you should and shouldn't feel because I don't know what you'll eventually research that might piss you off.

Just know that this board will be here if you do end up getting angry.

And also know that it's a normal human reaction. It's not about "purpose" or "end."

It just is.

In my experience there was somewhat of two phase:

Phase 1: The church isn't true.

Phase 2: The church pisses me off.

Part of phase two is realizing how destructive the church is - part of it is annoyance that I was scammed out of so much money.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 07/26/2012 11:17AM by bc.

And it's sad for me, too. My former husband and I (he was BIC, though, and I was the convert) did a year's worth of studying the church until our testimonies were done with. That year was one of the best in our marriage. And then everything vanished.

After we left the church, we looked at each other and realized we'd married each other for outward Mormon reasons: we were both returned missionaries, he liked the fact I was a convert, I liked it that he was AP in the mission field, we were both virgins, we were good in our callings, etc. But WHO we were and are, inside, were completely different individuals. We didn't know who we'd married.

We went through individual therapy, couples therapy and decided to hang together "for the kids' sake". Over the following five years, we essentially killed our marriage but turned into friendly roommates. Fortunately, we've been able to, for the most part, remain congenial with each other in order to raise our kids. And that's been good.

So, I guess I'm jealous of you two. But so incredibly happy for you both as well. I love good stories because it gives me hope for one of my own someday as well. Thank you so much for sharing more of your decision-making thoughts.

And welcome to the board, again!

The willingness to look at how someone else might view mormonism.
The willingness to consider that you might be wrong.
The willingness to accept the truth when you saw it.
The willingness to keep love in the equation no matter what.

Those are the things that make your story unique. There are so many who are so fearful, and unsure of themselves they refuse to even consider, or look at any other possibilities.

I'm one of the lucky ones. When I came upon the truth my husband listened, read, studied, and left the church with me.

It was quick and sudden. Thirty days or less.

One minute I was TBM, the next I was not. There were many issues piling up. When I read about the Book of Abraham, I was done.

I kept studying though. I wanted to know about every facet. I wanted to know if there was more. I wanted to know where, when how and why I was led to believe in Mormonism.

Like you, when I read what JS mother said about his story telling skills, I knew it was possible. I read further. The people who fleshed out the story of the churches beginnings all came together. It was shocking to find how all the puzzle pieces fit. It was more shocking how the church had rewritten the story into a faith promoting tale.

It makes me sad that more people can't let themselves look. They can't let themselves even consider the possibility of what the church really is.

I have come to realize that people like you are very rare. You give me hope. I'm so glad you shared your story. I'm so very happy for you that it didn't destroy your marriage. You and I are very very lucky in that respect.

Love and respect is the starting point...and then realizing that if you're in any way a rational person, the church...any church for that matter is irrelevant to having a good life.

You are awesome :) I understand about the pit bull quality, I am that way myself. I started reading/studying about Mormonsim and after three days of intense research and little sleep, I made my decision to resign. Once you know the truth, you know. You can't unlearn it or go back.

Great story! I am coming up on two years since the switch was flipped. My husband who still "wants to believe" (his words), splits time between attending the Methodist church with the kids and I, and attending the TSCC. After an extreme power play by a counselor in the SP, I pulled the kids (my husband allowed it, but it was really non-negotiable)(I am not really too much of a bitch, but realized I could not have them poison my children against me...which they did and try to have my children present the lesson to me no less) out. Power play #2...let's excommunicate Tiptoes for "formally" joining another church. They wanted to smear my reputation for simply walking away from an institution that lied to me for 20 years! The kids and I resigned immediately as my husband felt I did not deserve to be put in the same category as my adulterer first husband.

It has been rough road, but our marriage is still intact. I try to be respectful but fail sometimes. His family has pretty much shunned the kids and I, and pretty much my husband for that matter. My nevermo family is non-existent although some are still alive and kicking...that is another can of worms.

I have a couple of friends who are there for me and some of you guys on RfM. I still bang my head on the wall, wishing for the hubby to leave. Still struggling with black and white thinking and trying to extinguish it in all aspects of my existence.

Thrills me to hear success stories. ;)

It thrills you but it makes you a little jealous too, right? I'm not too much of a punk for feeling a bit jealous am I? It's not that that, I'm not happy for them because I am.

Yep, I am jealous. Cannot help but think if it was my husband's father that figured out all the lies, if it would be the same? Jealousy does not have the negative connotation to me anymore! ;)

This one hits really close to home for me, because at the beginning my wife wanted to look at everything carefully with me and decide together just like above.

She started to see some problems and have some doubts. But then she started thinking about the implications - the cost to her relationship with her TBM family, her friends, what it would mean to her sense of self, that she wouldn't have a structure to raise the kids. She panicked.

Then she decided I had lost my testimony because I wasn't faithful enough - as she said "You have been warned" - speaking of previous spiritual experiences I had shared with her - and went and hid in her shell. Sooooo close.

My husband does not want to discuss any of the things I have showed him...there really is no willingness to have a conversation about the lies and contradictions in their own study manuals. On three separate occasions he went sans garments all day (yes there were clean ones available) and that is the only bit of hope I cling to. Silly, I know.

Wow, bc. I feel like I am just a few years behind you on the same path. Just that I don't have the person courage to leave as you have.

For years I have hated the culture but just went a long. It was my wife that started digging...I think a little because she has depression and needed something to blame... the things she as found have really disturbed me. But has told me even if she knows it is not true should would keep going for her family and for a structure for our young son.

There is no rush. For me it wasn't really courage it was just that it couldn't keep going.

My advice with your son in a few years is make sure it is presented to him as a myth so that he doesn't live with years of guilt/shame.

I'd say about the same age he is told Santa is real but is a symbol of love is about the same time he should understand the same about Jesus. In the same vein as we don't ruin it for Santa we have the social grace not to argue Jesus in religious settings.

Unfortunately I waited a little too long and now my 16 year old and 13 year old don't want to hear what I have to say.

They will. The church can still be a fun place when you're a teen on in YSA (if you're good looking). But kids are smart. They'll figure it out, it doesn't take much. They also know that you are out and will talk to them when they have their doubts. Its not really a question on if, but when.

Wifey may come around too someday. The church is just so... exhausting... especially if you *know* it isn't true. Give her time... My husband always says that men are like microwaves (turned on really fast, cool off really fast) and women are like ovens (the opposite). I think this is true and I think it applies outside of the bedroom too.

That's got to be tough! We have been on vacation for two weeks, camping and visiting family. On the drive home today I became increasingly anxious. My hubby only told me about his decision a month ago. I only made my decision a week ago. We still need to tell the kids. Our Bishop, the Stake Pres, some of my close friends, some of the ward leadership, and two of my sisters know about my husband. No one knows about me yet. I hate that I have to do this. I hate what I found in my search for truth. I know it's right, but it really stinks. I wish it could have been true.

On the plus side, my hubby and I are in it together and he will defend me and stand by me to the end.

Believe it or not you will eventually be glad it's not true - hard to believe, but you are in for a real treat after you work through a few months of confusion - the eventually freedom and removed weight is incredible! You'll see!

I totally understand the fear and anticipation. You'll get through it. I've found that when I worry about EVERY possible scenario that could go bad that the stress of that is way worse the whatever ends up being reality.

Also there will be times you will feel a little wistful and miss it a little. Every once in a while I'm a little said I won't ever sit in the celestial room holding my wife's hand again. The wistfulness passes and the fuller life resumes.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 07/26/2012 09:50PM by bc.

Like you, twojedis, I was really disappointed it wasn't true. Actually, I was devastated.

I wanted to cheat death and live forever with my loved ones.

But I worked through it.

Now I see that THIS life is so much better, when you don't feel like you are living under a microscope, being judged by God (and church members). . . . not only for your actions, but even for your thoughts and intents, and your feelings. That's a lot of pressure. And living for external approval SUCKS.

This life is better when you live it for it's own sake, and not treat it like something to be endured so you can REALLY live the good life.

This is life is better when you learn to live according to your OWN conscience, and not by a bunch of rules about underwear not touching the floor, or not drinking tea, or visiting people you barely know once a month.

And life is better when you don't have to squeeze the facts and experiences into evidence for contorted beliefs. Having a free mind has to be one of the best feelings in the world. After Mormonism it feels wonderful to ask ANY question you want, and find your answers without fear of judgement or spiritual abandonment.

And life is better when you see yourself as part of the human race, and not as part of the "very elect" chosen and peculiar people.

Imaworkinonit, I do feel that freedom already. A sip of coffee, just to try it and no guilt! I have literally never, NEVER, consciously chosen to break a "commandment". I'm not saying I'm perfect, not at all, but I've never, on purpose done something that I'm not supposed to do.

I'm not running out, doing all kinds of crazy things, nor do I plan to. I'm now totally free to choose for myself what I believe and what I don't. It feels great.

Wow! This is so me. I spend sleepless nights worrying about the possible eventualities.

I remember the moment the weight lifted off of me. The sky was bluer, the air was sweeter, everything about life took on a sweetness that I had been missing out on.

I'm having fun going to wine tastings, trying different coffee, spending Sunday really resting. Time with my kids is more meaningful.

The stress of preparing lessons, going to meetings, always being ON and never getting to just enjoy the moment. That all lifted off of me when I got over the shock that the church really isn't what it claims.

I get to set the pace for my life. No more forcing myself to do things because it's the schedule the church set. A schedule that is extremely anti family.

I also really wanted the church to be true. I didn't find out the real deal until I was 57. It's hard to not feel angry about being lied to my entire life. Then, to make matters worse, I passed it on to my kids. Gratefully, they left the church with me and my husband.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 07/26/2012 11:26PM by Mia.

Who would have ever thought an atheist could ever be so inspired? ;)

The crazy history and awful doctrine would have meant nothing to me if I had felt the spirit in a way at church that I hadn't also felt elsewhere. When I "took a break" from going and realized how much happier I was not trying to always come up with reasons for why things I didn't like at church were the way they were... that is when I found my peace.