Decided to skip the tbm family function....
After trying to prepare myself mentally
for 3 days in advance, I finally smartened up.


Why would I _EVER_ want to spend even ten minutes with people who do not like me?
Who have no respect for my beliefs, choices and individuality??!?
Who belittle me as a woman, a sister, a daughter?
Who openly scorn my parenting skills and life choices?
Who want me to be tolerant of their Mormon attitudes & accompanying actions,
yet they have zero tolerance for mine.
Why would I want to spend any time with people who openly question my sanity, and make jokes about the "crazy" apostate sister in front of their children?

In real life, I would NEVER be friends with any of these people. EVER.

Deep breath' mo.......

I'm done abusing myself by continuing to have anything but passing contact with the majority of my large family, including/especially my mom.

Family first?, my ass.

I haven't been able to sleep in 24 hours, and
I actually had a panic attack this afternoon. I haven't had one in almost 3 months.
Ptsd is kicking my ass today.

Hey thanks family!
Yeah, fuckyouverymuch.


Sorry, had to vent.
Rough afternoon, but I feel a bit better now....



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 07/27/2012 08:57PM by Susan I/S.

With a little bit of luck some of your family will discover the truth, and you will be able to sit down and have a beer with them someday. In fact, it is very likely that at least some of them will find the truth. Sorry that you can not connect with any of them until that day.

Most of my family is Mormon, and we don't speak to each other. I found that their shunning is a gift to non-believers. Mormonism is a meme that attacks the human value of family. It is the strongest force against biological family unity that I have ever encountered.

Ambivalent, you are right in the middle of a painful learning experience. I wish you the best. You seem like a good, sensitive person.

The last family function that I went to was a funeral. After the funeral a bunch of family gathered at a siblings house. I went and was surrounded by siblings and nieces and nephews.

Everyone ignored me completely. If I didn't sit right next to someone, and specifically say something to them, I wasn't included in any conversation.

I went home disillusioned that I drove to another state to be with family, and got nothing out of it. If I make the same mistake again, I should at least know that I'll get nothing out of it in advance.

The first time is a shock, after that we should know better I suppose.

By Anne Eliza-Young, Page 11

Since I have left Utah I know that some of you have censured (sic) me severely, and have joined in personal denunciations. But I know that you are actuated by a mistaken zeal for the cause which you feel yourselves bound to sustain.

You, no doubt, regard my course with horror.
I look upon your lives with pity….

I was driven to the course I am pursuing by sheer desperation, as some of you, with whom I have exchanged confidences, well know. The motives which have been attributed to me, and the charges that have been made against me, are as utterly false and foreign to my nature as darkness is to light. You, at least, should not misjudge me. You should know me better, and you do. Even your bitter prejudice, and your disapprobation of the step I have taken, cannot make you believe me other than I am. You know that apostasy from Mormonism does not necessarily degrade a person, and sink them at once to the lowest depths of infamy.

If, as it is taught,--and as I suppose you believe,-I have lost the light of the gospel and departed from “the faith once delivered to the saints,” am I not rather deserving your compassion than your censure? Your own hearts and consciences must answer that.”


Ana

This made me cry.
Thankyou anagrammy.
A million thank yous.

She has a way with words, no?

You should read the rest--download for free online.

Love you

Ana

Sounds like you have figured out the best way to deal with your TBM family -- ignore them.

Oh, ambivalent exmo, I am sick that they are still doing the shunning. It sounds like you made the right decision to skip out on a gathering where you would be made the scapegoat. (And one the main characteristics of a scapegoat is that they are usually innocent of whatever they're being punished for.)

We love you here! (((((hugs)))))

Thanks for the love, stb :)
I'm happy we found our way out, and found a community that accepts us for who we are.
Hugs right back at ya :)

Where is it written that we have to socialize with relatives that are deluded? Tell them if any of them ever get a grip on reality you'd be happy to talk. Until then, guard your sanity, and don't let them get you down. They are the ones with the problem, not you.

Congratulations! You put your own needs before the expectations of a toxic family. I think you should celebrate. :)

Well done on deciding not to go. That must have been a tough one. You are right however, there is no sense in willingly walking into an abusive situation.

Pat yourself on the back for having the courage to step away. You are protecting yourself and you have every right.

Wow. You did a brave thing by not going. I'm so proud of you! It must have been hard to make that decision and to acknowledge that these people are toxic to you. Way.To.Go. Good on you that you protected YOURSELF. (((hugs)))

You are going to look back on this as a major life changing event.

In every relationship, one side cares more than the other, and the side that cares the least has the power. In your family, now that is you.

You can choose to stay away, or you can choose to occasionally show them they no longer have any impact on your life.

You are in control now. Congratulations, it takes a lot of courage. The pain will pass, the power will not.

The author grew up in an alcoholic family and writes about how to recover from the insanity and learn to love ourselves. It helped me to see how dysfunctional my TBM family really was and still is, and how to learn to stop blaming, being a victim and empower myself. I became aware of the undeniable resemblance between alcoholics and religious fundamentalists--they're both very toxic. I won't go on about it now; you can read lots of reviews on Amazon.

After recommending the book to three friends--2 of them mormon, one now exmo and one still TBM--they told me how much it helped to learn how dysfunctional families love a scapegoat; it wasn't their fault; to heal and move on, and to validate and learn to love themselves. Then you can be strong enough to let go of the pain, leave the toxic relationships and drama behind you, and find new friends to be your "family"; people who can love and support you without having to sell your soul and play their sick games.

For the PTSD and anxiety, there's a therapy you can do for yourself called EFT--Emotional Freedom Technique--that has been proven to be very successful. I just printed free information online, used it and thought it helped a lot. There are also practitioners available, if you choose. (I found all my information online.)

You can also find The Family and how to do EFT on YouTube. I truly wish you much courage and compassion--you're going to need it! (should I give you a blessing and pray for you?????? ;D)



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 07/28/2012 04:55PM by gnosticguru.

Whoa, gnostic guru. Thanks for the info. Never heard of EFT (and I've been in therapy a LOT of years and have tried a LOT of mood altering drugs). Will check it out. Amazon is my best friend for info sources. (I like print media; it can't be altered or deleted from one's electronic book library.)

@Sorcha~you're welcome;) EFT really does work much better than drugs and therapy--I've tried them all. It truly breaks my heart to see how many damaged souls live with the pain, and find little, if any relief. The worst is when they can never let go of it, it's so painful. Eckhart Tolle's "The Power of Now" was also very helpful, though some may think it too "new age-y" for their taste;)

I have tried eft, and it does work. Mr laughs at me when he sees me tapping my forehead/ chin.
Cbt has worked really well too.
Someday I hope to be able to say I've kicked ptsd's a$$,
It's a process, and I'm working on it.
Daily, hourly, and sometimes minute by minute.
Thanks for the great suggestions, encouragement and love.
I'm even thankful for the criticism here on rfm, it good to challenge ones beliefs and step outside the comfort zone.
Rfm is a soft place to land:)

OMG, GG and AE, am weeping at the prospect that EFT might actually help me, too (sorry if I'm hijacking the thread). Going to Amazon now. THANK you.

Very courageous decision. Just b/c someone is family doesn't mean they get to treat you badly and get away with it.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 07/28/2012 05:03PM by justcallmestupid.

Smart person you are. I would never go either. And you deserve to vent. Loved your post. It tells it like it is.

So now you see it for what it really is. A bucket of lobsters.
You have given yourself the right to not climb in. Good for you. You have learned that the integrity of what you think takes precedence over what others think. It sure is a healthier way to live.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 07/28/2012 07:03PM by AmIDarkNow?.

Get the hell away from them and stay away from them. Your mental health and sanity will be better in the long run.

You are very angry and until you release that anger onto the people who have hurt you, the rage will consume you and destroy your life.

Tell your family exactly what you told the board. Get mad. Yell. A bottle and a mind will only hold so much before they explode.

When you let the anger out, the panic attacks will probably subside.

Good luck.

I'm glad you had the courage to leave. I left too and the people who professed to be my friends were not. I just didn't want to be involved with false doctrine. Hugs