I want nothing more than to be ignored or feel alone at church but they keep calling me as EQP and into bishoprics. I am a "fly under the radar" kind of guy and don't really like to be involved, but my problem is that I have a hard time saying no to anyone, so I keep finding myself trapped in callings that I hate.

Until you stand up for yourself, they will continue to use you.

Yep, whenever we would move into a new ward, they would shove me into primary or youth sunday school as fast as they could, which meant it was impossible to meet any adults or socialize at all. Even after being in a ward for a year or two, we would still get the "oh are you new/visiting?" every once in a while.

You posted two contradictory posts within a couple minutes of each other. Are you feeling lost?

It's hard to lose your belief system and as you change you may actually find that you are distancing yourself not being ignored.

As per your second question, as you distance yourself you may find Mormons hanging onto you tighter because they sense you pulling away.

Just a thought. I know you're 16 and that is a confusing time in a girls life.

I live in a ward where few people have anything in common with me, so I never really felt I had friends. Any potential friends were called to primary or something so I didn't have anyone to talk to. Made it easier for me to get out! :)

Not me. As an adult convert, I was "so filled with the spirit" that the ward elite sucked me into their mileu right away. Didn't hurt me that I'd married into a old-time Morg family with Morg pioneer roots.

Shortly after my baptism, I taught in RS a couple of times and then they called me to be "enrichment leader". I also sang in the choir.

But a good friend of mine, a TBM, talks about feeling this way. She and her DH, both of them lifelong LDS, are often passed over for "plum" callings. Right now, AGAIN, they're in Primary, which they both hate. If one of them is sick, no one brings in meals or calls to see how they're doing.

As with so many things in Mormondumb, I think it depends on your NAME or your CONNECTIONS how you're treated. Sucks.

Many of us felt isolated and alone in the church.

When will you institute the "on a scale of 1 through 5 assign a number of how isolated you felt"

1 - Always isolated
2 - Rarely isolated
3 - Sometimes isolated
4 - Frequently isolated
5 - Always isolated


Why don't you talk about your recovery or your experiences?


Anagrammy

Did you mean to make both 1 and 5 to be "always isolated"?

I have got it balanced out just as I like it. I live smack dab in the morg,(Orem.) I haven't resigned but don't pay tithing, attend regularly or take callings. I help out once in a while with social activities or scouts, and can say hi/smile/wave to my Mo neighbors. My TBM wife knows to ask me first and not volunteer me without my approval.

The thing is, I don't want to be close friends with most of these people. They don't have the same world view as I. Speaking terms and casual acquaintances, that's fine.

A new Bish or SP could rock the boat, but for now, good times.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 07/28/2012 04:15PM by rationalguy.

During the last few years of my TBM days we moved into a fantastic ward. They are/were the best ward in the church.

Their egos were not tied up with being Mormon, but they were professionals in their own right.

My daughter, however just never seemed to fit in.

I thought it was because she and her teenage brother didn't have a car to give them mobility...so they could go hang out with their friends from church when they were having an impromptu party.

Years later we find out the majority of kids at our ward were partying like mad, but not with LDS standards.

My daughter recently remade acquaintanceship with an RM (really cool laid back kind of guy) and he dryly said "What church did you belong to?"

In other words, the reason my daughter was isolated and somewhat ignored outside of church and at church was because she was not the drinking promiscuous type at all. She would have been shocked and horrified to see what the mormon kids were like. We always walked our talk in our family.

And since many mormons do not, if you do anything that looks fishy, they think you're lying when you protest you're innocent....because THEY LIE!

So part of the time, teenagers in the church are partying, drinking,etc. And they don't want anyone around who is virginal and a non-drinker. It makes them think they'll be ratted out at the worst, and they can't whoop it up around a straight laced molly mormon who doesn't want to do the same things they are doing.

So the truly 'good' mormon girl will be treated politely, but formally, at church and never brought into the fun of friendships because in the TSCC it is all about appearances. The teenagers have to become masters at looking like good little mormon angels even though they are not. It makes for a very lonely teenage years experience at church.

I never felt accepted or had very few true friendships growing up. I went along to get along. Had a good family that understood and had issues with the mormons also. After graduation,,left the area and very seldom went back.

I felt very alone in our ward in the atlanta area. Some members were very nice but we were relatively rich compared to most in that ward and i had that thrown in my face constantly. When my kids were dressed nicely, i was told: well not everybody can afford to have clothes shipped overseas... (my mil lived in the uk and used to send lovely girls dresses over)

When I brought a nice gift at a baby shower, I was toldby one of the sisters: well, not everybody canafford to shop at ......

We werethe picture perfect family in that ward, but nobody knew how lonely miserable and fake I was. My life was fake. I hated weekends bc it that his highnesswould be in my face for 2 days straight. I nearly thew upat his plans of retiring early so we could go on a mission together..

To the ward we were the cute, perfect, well off family.

I was just lonely and depressed.

I had people all around me as I served in positions. But, as time wore on, I felt alone because I could not relate to most of the people and I did not feel comfortable talking with members about my feelings. I felt more and more uncomfortable and I found myself pulling away. It relates to silly TBM testimonies, lessons, etc.

Always!

I found it very easy to socialize and make friends in LDS settings. I found it very difficult to make meaningful, long-lasting relationships that extended beyond the common life experiences of growing up LDS and going to the same church.

The common life experiences are strong, as going to primary, seminary, BYU and on a mission are big experiences. However, to find someone who values you whether or not you still believe is much, much harder.

I stole a term from Mary Poppins and called them "pie crust friendships": easily made, easily broken. I lost nearly every LDS friend I had by quitting the church, and every friend I had in my ward of 4 years.

I was relief society president for part of my stint in the church, before that I always thought there were certain cliques in our ward.

You wouldn't believe the number of times I would get phone calls from sisters that said, 'I just don't feel like I have any friends, today at church not one person talked to me' or 'I don't understand any of these women how do they stay so positive' while the other half were calling and saying 'I don't want to even live anymore I can't possibly meet the expectations of my husband and the church and everyone always expects me to be so positive'

I kept thinking, wow if these women could just be this honest to each other they could be a really great support group for each other. Then I could quit getting phonecalls at all times of the day or night.

At one point I was the "old elder" in the ward and the bish asked me if I'd feel more comfortable in High Priests. I went exactly one time to HP meeting. No one welcomed me or even said a word to me. It was bizarre, because I knew most of these men casually, and expected some sort of welcome. It was an eye-opener, and made me realize that these people for some reason looked upon me as "other." That's when I knew I didn't belong as a Mormon. I agreed with that silent affirmation. I'm not one of them.

My dad was "inactive", but my mom was steadfastly TBM. She and I were definite second-class citizens in the ward because we didn't have the priesthood in our home.

My family wasn't the wealthiest in the wards and we didn't have the superiority complex to fit in Utah, so I felt like that constantly.

Of course, I'd get the occasional snarky comment about 'New Joisey', even from mishies I had just fed. BTW, that is Bronx, New York speech, guys. I never heard any local in my town talk like that.

Where I felt most ostracized was with my rabid TBM inlaws. My Ex would often side with them. They just didn't get me, including him. You see, I would speak my mind; and that just wasn't allowed in the culture.

This post doesn't help you much, except to point out that there are many reasons we can feel left out.

My parents were always very popular in the ward. My mom is vivacious and outgoing, and my dad was a local celebrity, so of course people wanted to be counted among his friends! Me, well...I was another story. When I was 12 they redrew the ward boundaries, and I got stuck in a ward where I had exactly one friend. The other girls were MEAN if they even spoke to me at all. I was depressed and suicidal (although the doctor diagnosed it as "stress" and "hypochondria"...we know better now) because of the way I was treated at church. 6th and 7th grades were rough, but finally in 8th grade I started making some non-mo friends--many of them are still my friends today, 15 years later. High school got even better, and then when I was 16 they redrew the stake boundaries and we were moved to a really wonderful ward. We were a small ward, but all of us YW got very close, and are still friends today. Most of us are fabulous exmos, and the two that are still TBM don't judge us for it. I keep in regular contact with all of them. I left when I was 18 so I never had to deal with isolation as an adult, but I imagine with small children it must be a nightmare.

Several times I watched the pastor go to several other members and talk to them and then just bypass me as if I was invisible.
I often thought what the heck? Do I have body odor or what? Especially since I have been attending every service, pay tithes and participate in outings, don't I deserve at least a hi how are you tonight? That gets my goat every time it happens. One day I will not be there.

I was always felt alone. Single 30 something older female, non temple recommend holder non endowed, non tithe payer but giver to real charities.

I was pretty lucky in that I owned my home and didn't move around and I was really liked and accepted in my ward. I always felt different from them but I never felt like I wasn't accepted. I guess I was fortunate .

When I told my EQP that he wasn't inspired of God in one of his decisions, I got all my callings pulled and could no longer home teach. I'd go to church and nobody would talk to me. Yeah, I felt pretty alone.

I can walk into a Mormon church anywhere and fit right in.
Within 30 days i'll have a load of friends and a calling.
I know all the things I need to do and say to make that happen.

Problem is, I refuse to be phony. I refuse to talk in the mormon voice, and to say all of the things in testimony meetings that I know would impress people and draw them to me like bees to honey.

Instead I say it like it is. That means that Mormons don't fit into my real life. They don't want the truth about anything. In fact i've never seen a group of people that will do just about anything to keep from hearing the truth. Their favorite tactic is to demonize you and make you out as a bad person. They'll take out anyone who dares to speak the truth about much of anything. They love their fake world with its fake leaders and fake history with its fake scriptures.

Chelseamarie:

Do you ever feel alone and ignored when you're at church? Please explain how you feel about that.

In my case, with a family and a bunch of "callings" I didn't have time to be lonely or ignored. I was front and center conducting music! :-)
Sometimes I would go to the beach ...just to be alone for awhile!

My husband is deceased and I live alone. I'm adapting to being a single female - widow. It's a huge change. I'm slowly getting accustomed to the new life.

My poor daughter-in-law has four young children. At least three times a week, she is called to fix dinner for families she often doesn't even know. She must take it during her children's dinner/bath time, etc. She doesn't believe she can say no. I guess she is not ignored in church, as she is definitely on someone's list.

Thete were times when I did, especially once we moved to a new ward/stake. Nobody knew us and it was horrible. We were ignored, probably because we were not the typical mormon family.

You are not alone not fitting in. And it is not you, it's the way the church is set up and its teachings.

I served for many years in YW and I liked it there, probably because I liked reaching out to many YW that felt just that way, different, alone, isolated and a misfit. I never knew why this was so common in the lds church but now I think that it is because everyone is supposed to fit the same mold, there is no room for individually or for accepting yourself and everyone just the way you are. There is always the constant you must..., you should..., and the mold to fit.