My heart goes out to you. My emotionally and physically abusive father killed himself when I was a teenager. I joined the church soon after as the church became my father figure and my supposedly perfect family. It has been almost 40years now since his death. When I reached the point that I realizes I did not need a father-figure or the church I was able to overcome most of the grief, anger and guilt. There will always be a hole in that part of my soul that is still a little girl who wants her father's love and approval--but I have accepted that as a small old grief that will always be with me. I am no longer in bondage to that grief or to the church. Thank you for your honest post because it helped me clarify and confirm my thoughts on this. Best wishes to you.
Grief, anger and guilt are truly debilitating sometimes. I'm glad you were inspired to put your feelings into words. Sometimes putting something in writing helps solidify to yourself where you stand. Also encouraging is how you were able to come full circle in your search for that something missing. I hope someday I can make peace with that missing link as well.
And thanks again to everyone who reached out and lifted me up. My spirit is better today because of all of you.