Any Christians who can give me some guidance re- my two teenage daughters? We left the church 4 years ago and have been floundering around - went consistently to one church for just over a year, which had a pretty good youth program. Then we changed churches, thinking it would be the best fit for our family. THe new church was so awesome, I didn't think to check out the Youth program. It turns out this church's youth program is totally lame. The girls, ages 16 and 13, have been through a lot with the switch from TBM to exmo - esp. the 16 year old. We've tried having them go to youth group at the old church, but they're just not that interested in any of the kids who go, so they're unmotivated to go.

Being raised TBM, it seems to me that involvement in some sort of youth program is super important - not just for the reinforcement of positive values, but for exposure to other kids who feel it's important to live by high morals (they don't see a lot of that at school -a lot of sex and a lot of partying). So, I've been working to find something that will be a good fit. We took our time looking into yet another church - which seems to have a nice youth program, but our kids - esp. the oldest, just don't like it! She's a really sweet, pleasant, likeable, nice girl and also very cool. She just feels there aren't enough "normal / cool" kids who go, and she doesn't feel like she gets anything out of it. Is she too picky - should I just keep "making" her go, hoping she "gets used to it and starts to like it" or should I relax about it and let her quit being a part of a youth group? (Is this just a remnant of my old TBM self feeling like she needs to have youth group in her life?) I also like the community that can be created by participating and feel like that could give her a nice sense of stability to draw on, even after she's moved away. (We moved a lot, then had 2 babies, then left the church - not much stability for our oldest!)

Thanks in advance for your thoughts.

13 and 16 is plenty old enough to decide on what activities they don't want to be a part of.

I've said it before, you don't need a church in order to raise your kids with values. You don't need a church to raise your kids with values. I don't know what you mean by "high" values because that seems like saying "good greatness."

I am guessing you want your kids to postpone sex, not drink underage, and not do illegal drugs. So, what have you been teaching them up till now? I'd guess you have been teaching them these things. You can only have a certain amount of influence over your kids before they will strike out on their own.

Forcing them is very likely to cause them to go in the exact opposite you want them to go.

Bingoe4,

Thanks for the input. My husband's been concerned about that too - forcing - causing the opposite of what we'd like to see. SHe (the oldest) really is doing great. She certainly doesn't need to be "reformed" in any way. I just wanted some friends for her who would be a strength to her.

But the risk of making her go really may not outweigh any possible benefit.

Perhaps the local 4-H club or Future Farmers of America or, as my children did, a folk dance group. Pretty much any club that gathers for a purpose, be it square dancing or bee keeping, will have members with drive, ambition and sensible thinking for your children to be friends with and grow together with. So don't limit your options (or your daughter's). Take a look at her interests and see about finding a group in your area to try out.

(Also, consider things like sports, martial arts, music, art, and theater. All tend to have some pretty awesome participants involved in them.)

Looking for a few more opinions

Well, here is my input. I am a Christian and we attended a mainstream church all our lives. As teens, my girls didn't like the one youth group due to the Pastor's kids- both the ages of yours.They arrived, got bossy and wanted to change things all around. I supported my girls after they gave it a good try. He meddled too much also and didn't allow the youth director to make many decisions independently of him. It was a mess. And the director was fabulous before this pastor and his kids arrived. So we went to another church for a while, but did return when that pastor from before was gone.It was okay, but by then my girls were nearly the oldest.

As I look back, I remember thinking we could drive further and my girls could attend a super huge youth group at a mega church. My hubby traveled a lot on the job he had, and of course I would have the driving to do. I sometimes think I made the wrong move by not doing that. My youngest converted to Mormonism and it began when she was 17 - at 24 she converted....they had to work on her a long time- due to her Christian foundation it just wouldn't go quick. It killed me to see this. IF she had remained close friends with youth group kids her age I doubt it would have happened.

No matter what anyone says about kids not needing the support of a church group of peers, I do think it is important for many. And the activities are often quite fun and they willingly go to them. I wish you luck. I suggest finding a big church for them. It may not be best for the parents- as smaller churches often have the best pastors- but for them I would do it. Good luck.

I know my daughter who converted had good experiences with our various youth groups and will recall them with some smiles on her face, but if she had long lasting friends from the group, she would not have joined a cult. I can only hope she will wake up one day and resign.

Thank you!

Really helpful, and sorry about your daughter. The mormon church really IS very appealing on so many levels, especially at her age - I can see why your daughter would have jumped in. I LOVED it at that age.

We went to Utah this past summer and now my oldest wants to move to Utah and go to college there. I get worried that she'll re-convert! She was just so thrilled with how many fun, normal, cute, wholesome kids she met there, which is SO very different from what she daily experiences at school.

Maybe I won't give up on the youth group idea.

Best wishes with your daughter.

You are the parents. Do not send her off to Utah regardless of what she saw there....reconversion will be inevitable IMO. I lived there too when my girls were younger. It was horrible. All nonmormons in my area- no. of Salt Lake- were treated terribly. Why? Because we had no interest in their phony religion. We were totally ignored in the neighborhood, elem. school and in the community. I couldn't wait to leave. Start showing her schools all over and you give her 3 or 4 choices....Utah NOT being one. If you really are a Rush Fan, did you ever think of Hillsdale College (very conservative) and patriotism is instilled in the kids.

Sorry, got you confused with a poster called Rush Fan. Just realized my mistake.

Right. Any youth group associated with religion is just like Jesus camp.

Hi, if the issue is that the girls aren't clicking with the youth group at your church, I agree with the poster who recommended finding a different or bigger church. It doesn't sound like they hate church from the way you wrote the post, just that the youth group is not working for them socially. I think its important to find a good fit. Forcing her to hang out with kids she doesn't like may not result in the friendship you are hoping she will build anyway.

When I left mormonism, I was surprized at how fun normal and cool the Christians were at the church I started attending with a friend who had invited me. Becoming friends with the Christians there absolutly helped me build a strong foundation in Christ and now I am happy to say I am a fully devoted follower of Jesus. Having supportive Christian friends is fantastic. It took about 4 years from the time I stopped believing in Mormonism before I gave my life to Christ. Those friends helped so much.

Do they have any "cool" high school friends who belong to a church youth group? Perhaps if they know of someone ahead of time it would make them feel more comfortable and make it easier to join in.

Thanks, all for your help. Really appreciate it! I knew I could count on you!

And Honestone - thanks for the strong caution against even allowing Utah to be a college option. I have felt like reconversion could be inevitable, too. Frustratingly, my DH doesn't at all see a problem with it, but I def. do. This helps me to strengthen my resolve!!