This man takes his wife to the Holy Land to tour the sites there. While there, his wife dies suddenly. The funeral people tell him they can bury her there in Jerusalem for $500, or take her home to the US for burial, but that it will cost far more, $5,000.

He thinks for just a second and then replies that he will take her home for burial. When asked why he would want to do that when it will cost him so much more, even 10 times as much, he answers, "Well, I heard about a guy who died here once, and came alive again in 3 days!"

Mormonism.

Q: What's the difference between Jesus Christ and a painting?
A: The painting only needs ONE nail to hang it!

A Jewish Rabbi and a Catholic Father are passed on the street by a young boy. The father says "wouldn't you just love to screw that kid?" to which the Rabbi says "screw him out of what?"

When the astronauts arrived back on earth, they exclaimed, "We have seen God!"

"What's He like?" Everybody asked.

"She's Black!" They replied.

Mine is a Farside comic... in which Colonel Sanders arrives at the pearly gates of heaven... and finds out that god is a chicken.

:D

A rabbi, an RC priest, a vicar and a mormon elder walk into a bar.
the barman says "What's this, some kind of joke?"

onceanelder Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> A rabbi, an RC priest, a vicar and a mormon elder
> walk into a bar.
> the barman says "What's this, some kind of joke?"

My fave, too! :oD

2 people chose this joke as their favorite, and this is the only one I do not get. Sorry I am so dumb, but could you please explain it to me?

think4u Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> 2 people chose this joke as their favorite, and
> this is the only one I do not get. Sorry I am so
> dumb, but could you please explain it to me?

Because there are tons of jokes that start with various clergyman walking into somewhwere. I liked it too.

Thanks bona dea, I'd have never figured that one out. I guess I don't hear that many jokes.

think4u Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Thanks bona dea, I'd have never figured that one
> out. I guess I don't hear that many jokes.

I have missed out on the meaning of a lot of jokes too.

Jesus dies and goes up to Heaven. The first thing he does is look for his father, as he has never met the man before and is curious as to what he looks like, and whether or not Jesus looks like his mother or father, etc. He looks high and low but cannot find him.

He asks St. Peter “Where is my father?” But St. Peter says he doesn’t know.
He asks the archangel Gabriel “Where is my father?” But Gabriel doesn’t know.
He asks John the Baptist “Where is my father?” But John does not know.

So he wanders Heaven, impatiently searching. Suddenly he sees out of the mist an old man coming toward him. The man is very old, with white hair, stooped over a little.

“Stop!” Jesus yells. “Who are you?” “Oh, please help me, I am an old man in search of my son.”
Jesus is very curious. Could this be his father?
“Tell me of your son, old man.”
“Oh, you would know him if you saw him. Holes in his hand where the nails used to be, he was nailed to a cross, you know…”
“Father!” Screams Jesus.
“Pinocchio!” yells the old man.

The Rabbi's congregation buys him a new car. His friend the RC Priest asks if he can bless it. The Rabbi says "You know that is not part of my religion." The Priest says "Yes, but what harm would it do? I would feel much better if you would let me bless it."

The Rabbi says "Oh, no harm. Go ahead."

The next month the Priests congregation buys HIM a new car. The Rabbi asks him "Fair is fair. May I perform my religious rite?"

Priest says "Sure, that is fair." Rabbi cuts 2 inches off the exhaust pipe.

A mormon lady dies and is met at the pearly gates. After her check in she askd to be reunited with her husband who passed several years before her.
What was his name?
Charle Jones.
We have many Charlie Jones here,,sorry.
But we were married in the temple.
We have many Charlie Jones that were married in the temple,,anything else that would help us.
Well,,he told me ,,if I ever had sex with anyone after he was gone,he would roll over in his grave.
OH,,,PINWHEEL CHARLIE!!!!

WARNING--- Its a dirty joke!


A plumber gets on a city bus to go across town. During the ride, he chats with the male bus driver on various things.

After a while, a nun gets on the bus.

The plumber finds the nun very attractive, and tries to flirt with her. But she simply ignores him. Finally, the nun gets off the bus near a cemetary.

After the bus pulls away, the driver says to the plumber,

"Hey, if you wanna nail that nun, I can tell you how..."

"How??" Asks the plumber.

"Well," The bus driver says, "She's very obedient to god. Every day, she goes to that cemetery to pray. If you show up there dressed like God, and command her to have sex with you, she'll do it."

So the next day, the plumber dresses up like God, and hides in the cemetery to wait for the nun. Finally, the nun shows up. The plumber step out, claiming to be God, and orders her to have sex with him.

The nun says, "Ok, but it has to be 'in the rear' because I have to remain a virgin."

So the plumber obliges her. When its over, he pulls off his disguise and says, "Haha!! I'm the plumber!"

Then the nun rips off her disguise and says, "Haha! I'm the bus driver!"

There is the old one about a man who goes to heaven and sees a walled in area. He asks who lives there. St .Peter says, "Oh, that is for the Mormons. We don't want them to know that they aren't the only ones here."

Now that one I am going to remember, think4u. Great!



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 12/30/2010 11:29PM by honestone.

2 guys walk into a bar. The 1st guy turns to the 2nd guy and says "I didn't see it either".

**Edit: Oops...mine isn't a "religious" joke - sorry



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 12/30/2010 11:40PM by TGC.

So, Jesus is hanging on the cross. He lifts his head and calls out to his disciple, Peter, to come hither.

Peter replies "Coming, Lord" and begins to push his way through the crowd. He is rebuffed by Roman guards.

Jesus lifts his head and again calls out to his disciple, Peter, to come hither.

More determined than ever, Peter again replies "Coming, Lord" and again tries to push his way to the front of the crowd, where he is rebuffed again by Roman guards.

Frustrated and tired, Peter cringes when he hears Jesus call out to him a third time to come hither.

More determined than ever, Peter pushes his way through the crowd. Miraculously, he manages to get past the Roman guards and fling himself upon the base of the cross, whereupon he cried, "I am here, my Lord!".

Jesus, with parched mouth and near death whispers, "I can see your house from here, Peter."

never mind, too OT!



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 12/31/2010 01:01AM by think4u.

An active Mormon lived right next door to an Exmormon. While the mormon prayed everyday and constantly was in communion with his Heavenly Father, the exmormon never looked twice at church or prayed.

However the exmormon's life was good, he had a well-paying job and a beautiful wife, and his children were healthy and good natured, whereas the Mormon man's job was strenuous and his wages were low, his wife was cheating on him and his children wouldn't give him the time of day.

So one day, deep in prayer the Mormon asked: "Heavenly Father, I honor you every day, I ask your advice for every problem and confess to you my every transgression. Yet my exmormon neighbor, who doesn't even believe in you and certainly never prays, seems blessed with every happiness, while I go poor and suffer many an indignity.

Why is this?

And a great voice was heard from above...

"BECAUSE HE DOESN'T BOTHER ME ALL THE TIME."

This one's my favorite.

Helen Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> An active Mormon lived right next door to an
> Exmormon. While the mormon prayed everyday and
> constantly was in communion with his Heavenly
> Father, the exmormon never looked twice at church
> or prayed.
>
> However the exmormon's life was good, he had a
> well-paying job and a beautiful wife, and his
> children were healthy and good natured, whereas
> the Mormon man's job was strenuous and his wages
> were low, his wife was cheating on him and his
> children wouldn't give him the time of day.
>
> So one day, deep in prayer the Mormon asked:
> "Heavenly Father, I honor you every day, I ask
> your advice for every problem and confess to you
> my every transgression. Yet my exmormon neighbor,
> who doesn't even believe in you and certainly
> never prays, seems blessed with every happiness,
> while I go poor and suffer many an indignity.
>
> Why is this?
>
> And a great voice was heard from above...
>
> "BECAUSE HE DOESN'T BOTHER ME ALL THE TIME."


I love this one--I always heard it from a Catholic perspective!

Brother Jenson is a Mormon living in Idaho. His lifelong dream is to win the Powerball jackpot. Every week he prays to God to let him win, and every week - nothing. Finally, one day he prays "Heavenly Father, why won't you let me win Powerball just once. Please just once! I pay my tithing, I live the word of wisdom, I attend the temple regularly, I faithfully fulfill all of my callings, I even clean the church when it's not my week. Why won't you let me win?"

Then he hears a voice from heaven saying "Jenson. Buy a ticket!"

Q: What has a thousand legs and no pubic hair ?







A: Front row at a Donny Osmond concert.







===============================================================

OK, this is not really a religious joke but I couldn't resist.

The flogging will now commence.

A man dies and goes to heaven where he's offered the opportunity to go look over heaven and then hell so he can decide which he'd prefer.

After visiting both places, he returns to the gate and is asked where he'd like to spend the rest of eternity. The man answers, "Well, heaven is nice with the clouds and all those angels playing harps and stuff. But frankly, it's a little dead and dry looking. Hell looks like a much nicer place with all the beautiful trees and green grass and flowers."

"Oh, hell!" the gate keeper yells. "The damn Mormons have stolen the water again."

So a pagan dies and goes to the pearly gates.She says I think I am in the wrong place. Saint Peter says "oh,one of our pagan sisters!" He's happy and says"come with me".
So they go down some long hallways finally coming to a door that opens on to a beautiful meadow. Its sunny, green, and there are many happy pagans dancing around. The pagan says "yes,the Summerland! This is what I was expecting.Then she notices some grumpy people off to the side and asks Saint Peter who they are.
"oh,those are fundamentalists. God doesn't like to be told what he thinks!"

A crusty old man walks into the local church and says to the secretary, "I would like to join this damn church."

The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, Sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"

"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to join this damn church!"

"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this church."

The secretary leaves her desk and goes into the priest's study to inform him of her situation.

The priest agrees that the secretary does not have to listen to that foul language.

They both return to her office and the priest asks the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"

"There is no damn problem," the man says. "I just won 20 million pounds in the damn lottery and I want to join this damn church to get rid of some of this damn money."

"I see," said the priest. "And is this bitch giving you a hard time?

Tommy Monson gets a call that one of the last of his widows has passed away. "Coud you come down to Salina and say a few words at the graveside service? There is hardly anyone left who remembers her. I know she would feel so special to have you at her side one last time."
Tommy drove down to Salina. He was running late and he didn't know his way around. As he pulled up to the rural cemetery he saw two workers in coveralls with shovels. "Oh, blast it.I've missed the whole show." He decided to get out and say a few words even though everyone had left except the workers to close the grave. The concrete cap was already in place. The workmen knelt with Tommy as he prayed fervrently. Tommy noticed tears in the eyes of the workers.
As Tommy drove away, one of the workmen said to the other, "I've NEVER seen anyone pray so pretty over a septic tank."

In Ireland a Catholic priest was walking over to read one of his elderly followers, Paddy O'toole, his last rights, and was suprised to meet the local Protestant pastor leaving Paddy's house. He rushes inside to see what's going on.

"Paddy, what's going on?" he asked. "I just became a Protestant, father." Paddy replied. "After being a loyal Catholic all your life, why would you go and do something like this, now??!!" he asked. "Well father, things are not going well for me,..I probably won't live to see another day.....and if someone has to die, I would rather it be one of them, than one of us!"

You are going fishing. Is it better to take one mormon or two with you?




Take two, because one will drink all your beer.

: )

The pope had become very ill and was taken to many doctors, all of whom could not figure out how to cure him. Finally he was brought to an old physician, who stated that he could figure it out. After about an hour's examination he came out and told the cardinals that he knew what was wrong. He said that the bad news was that it was a rare disorder of the testicles. He said that the good news was that all the pope had to do to be cured was to have sex. Well, this was not good news to the cardinals, who argued about it at length. Finally they went to the pope with the doctor and explained the situation.

After some thought, the pope stated, "I agree, but under four conditions." The cardinals were amazed, and there was quite an uproar. Suddenly a single voice was heard over the top of the noise: "And what are the four conditions?"

The room stilled. There was a long pause. The pope replied, "First the girl must be blind, so that she cannot see with whom she is having sex. "Second, she must be deaf, so that she cannot hear with whom she is having sex. And third she must be dumb so that if somehow she figures out with who she is having sex, she can tell no one."

After another long pause another voice asked, "And the fourth condition?"

The pope replied, "Big tits."

A guy dies and goes to Hell, but the devil tells him he can have of choice of where he spends eternity, so he shows him three doors: through the first door the man sees millions of people standing on their heads on a dirt floor; he says "Spending eternity on my head--in the dirt? That doesn't look too good." The devil opens the second door and there are millions of people standing on their heads, this time on a cold marble floor; the mans says: "This doesn't look so good either." So, the devil opens the third door and there are millions of people standing in sewage--raw, crappy sewage, up to their knees, but they're all standing around, chatting, laughing, and drinking tall cups of coffee. The man thinks this looks like a much better way to spend eternity so he turns to the devil and says "I've made my choice--I'm going in here!" The devil slowly replies "Well...OK, if that's what you want." The man slogs into the knee-high crap and asks "So, where's my coffee?" The devil looks at his watch and says "Sorry, coffee break's over--alright everybody, back on your heads!!"

I use that last line occasionally in real life.

In life, there are two things to worry about, either you are sick or you are well.

If you are well, there is nothing to worry about. If you are sick, there are two things to worry about, either you will get well or you will die.

If you get well, there is nothing to worry about. If you die, there are two things to worry about, either you go to heaven or you go to hell.

If you go to heaven, there is nothing to worry about. If you go to hell, you'll be so damn busy shaking hands with people you know you will not have time to worry.

So, why worry?

Forgot about this one;

The Pope dies and goes to heaven. As he enters the pearly gates He askes St Peter when he will receive the "total knowledge" he was promised. St Peter shows him into a room, with a large book, and says "this book has every word and comandment ever spoken from Gods mouth." The pope goes in and starts reading. He comes out the door 3 hours later sobbing loudly, and cussing under his breath. When asked what was wrong he says "It says celeBRATE life!"

That is a good one, loved it, and will remember it for sure!

A Catholic priest went into a barber shop for a haircut. When he was finished, the barber refused to take payment saying, “You are a man of the cloth… this is a free service that I offer to you.” The Priest thanked the barber and went on his way. The next morning the barber found seven fishes and seven loaves of bread on his doorstep in gratitude from the priest.

The next week, a Jewish Rabbi went into the same shop for a cut. Again the barber refused payment saying, “You are a man of God… this is a free service that I offer to you.” The next morning the barber found a fitting gift from the Rabbi.

The following week, two LDS Missionaries went into the shop for haircuts. Again, the barber refused payment saying, “You work in the service of God… this is a free service that I offer to you.” The next morning the barber arrived to find 12 LDS Missionaries on his doorstep.

A married couple wanted to join a cult. The cult leader told them that one of the principles was celibacy and in order to be worthy they would have to abstain for a month then return and report.

After a month the couple returns. The cult leader asks "How did it go?"

The man said "Well, we held out for three weeks. Then one day my wife was bent over in the freezer and I couldn't restrain myself."

The cult leader said "Well, you know I can't let you in the group now."

The man said "I know. They won't let us back in Safeway, either."

When everyone had died, and were waiting at the pearly gates to get into heaven, god suddenly appeared and said: "I want all the men to form two lines. One line for those who were true heads of their households, and one line for those who were dominated by their wives. All of the women report to St Peter.

When all of the women were gone, the men formed two lines. The line for those who were dominated by their wives was several miles long. The line for those who were true heads of their households only had one man standing in it.

God said, you men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you to be the heads of your household. You have been disobedient and have not fulfilled your purpose. Of all of you, only one man obeyed, learn from him.

God turned to the one man in line and asked; how did you manage to be the only one standing in this line?

The man said, I don't know, this is where my wife told me to stand.