She is where she can not hurt herself or others. Short term you can take care of a baby. NOTHING AT THIS POINT CAN'T BE TAKEN BACK. Things could be a lot worse. Start making a list of what you CAN do. What needs to be done. What would be productive. Don't "what if" yourself, cross bridges when you get to them. What do you need to do TODAY. What do you need to do in the morning. What do you need to do by noon. What is the "grand plan" for the day. Chop things up in doable chunks.
Get together all the stuff you need for the baby IN THE MORNING. Get clothes laid out for you and the younger kids. Who all has school in the morning. Lunches done? Where are your car keys. GO TO BED. Even if you don't sleep it helps to lie quiet and rest.
Do not think long term at this point. The situation's far too new, and your daughter's treatment is only starting. Ignore any thoughts of worst case scenarios... that isn't helpful, and it's not what you're physically dealing with. Just focus on the now.
Your daughter is safe and in care. Her child is safe and in your care. The how's and why's of how it happened will come to your mind - acknowledge that panic and release it. What's important is that regardless of what happened, your daughter is safe and the baby is safe. Your daughter is not herself - please do not take anything she's saying or doing as a reflection of who she is, or how "wrong" she is. She's ill and acting irrationally because of her illness.
It will pass. Be loving, be supportive. Hug her and tell her that you know she's an amazing person and will pull through this.
One breath, one hour, one day at a time.
I also agree with imaworkinonit's suggestion - get a to-do list together for the day. Stuff that comes to mind, just throw it on a piece of paper so you don't have to dwell on it.
Anything that's not day-to-day living basics can be set aside for now. You can deal with that at a later date.
The only thing I can suggest to you, is meditation, and/or deep, slow breaths in through your nose, and out your mouth. Inhale and say to yourself "I am aware of my inward breath", hold it for three seconds, exhale and state "I am aware of my outward breath". repeat as necessary.
And alcohol. One beer is all it takes for me to relax when I'm stressing/freaking out over troubling things.
is thinking about all of the worst possible outcomes, and not knowing what to expect.
But I remember someone saying (probably on this board) that not all of those things will happen. Only one will. And until something DOES happen, you don't need to suffer through every scenario.
For the moment, your daughter is safe in the care of medical professionals. They will watch over her tonight and she'll be okay. And if she needs it again tomorrow, they will again.
Sometimes when I'm really freaked out about something--especially at night--I write my concerns, or my do-to list on a piece of paper. That gives me the assurance that I won't forget what needs to be done. Then I fold it up and put it in the pocket of my robe. When I go to bed, I leave those problems in my pocket, and set them aside, knowing that I can't do anything about them while I sleep. But as soon as I get up, I'll put that robe back on, and then I can do something with that list.
Basically, putting it on paper takes the place of ruminating endlessly. I've already thought through it and preserved my thoughts on paper, so I can do something else (like sleep) for a while.
Maybe that's a silly little routine, but it helps me.
Shannon did your daughter ever suffer from psychosis or other possible mental health issues before this happened? If not then I am sure she can make a full recovery. How old is the baby? I struggled with post partum after my child was born. She was in the nicu for 6 weeks and there were days I didn't even feel the desire to see or hold her. The guilt was horrible and I felt like the worst mother in the world. I had depression before the baby was born but it got much worse after I had her. I really hope your daughter can snap out of this. I am so sorry for you both!
I agree, don't think about the worst case scenario until it actually happens. I tend to do this to myself and it makes me nuts! Breathe, and deal with the things you need to, one step at a time. I'm sorry this is such a tough thing to deal with. It's very scary.
I am not a nurse but I am married to one! I cannot even imagine how tough this is for you and your family. The best thing is that you realize this is not something you can fix. As hard as it is for you to not understand how she can reject her baby, you have to remember she is not herself right now. Give her time to get fixed so that she will be in her right mind to be a parent.
As the parents of 4 kids, I can say that we have experienced many intense, overwhelming and sad moments with our kids. Nothing like yours, but the kind that make you wonder if they are really yours. The kind that make you question every parenting decision you ever made. It is tough and brutal, but you have to keep moving forward. There are better days ahead. Not saying that there won't be worse days also, but there will be better days.
I just left my job as the manager of a group home for adolescent victims of sexual abuse. I left because I just couldn't take it anymore. I have my own three kids who are adopted. They were neglected and abused with the same story we hear over and over again. We try SO HARD to give them the life they deserve and hope we are preparing them for the time when we won't be there to make every decision. Every parent has to do this but with these kids it really is tougher.
Our youngest shows pretty disturbing signs but she's way too young to diagnose with anything. Most of the time she's funny, sweet, active. But there's this mean streak we can't figure out. She seems incapable of understanding the feelings of others. If she were a male I'd be worried about her turning into a serial killer one day. Don't get me wrong, I love her to death and I know her future is uncertain. I hope I don't find myself in your shoes one day but worry I might.
Don't give up. You took on something unbelievably hard. You've done the best you could. The rest is up to other people now. Stay sane, be ready to help when you get the chance. Hope she'll make it. Please make sure you're ready to take care of that baby. That baby has a chance.
Shannon, I just saw this thread and the other one. I hope you were able to get a little rest last night/this morning. You definitely have some heavy burdens but you are strong, resourceful and will be able to figure out what to do in both the short and long-term. We're all pulling for you and your family.
Shannon - I am so very sorry about all that you are going through. I just saw these threads and I am sure it feels absolutely horrific to you. I know nothing more than what I have read in papers about this affliction, but from reading the thread, it seems that there are many here who know more about it and will be a great strength and support for you in the time that lies ahead.
You are one of the strongest women I "know" and that strength, along with your huge heart and the caring people here and around you, will get you through this. Pleae keep us posted and know that so many care for and are thinking of you.
that within a few days if not weeks--you will see a change in her. She will need antidepressants to get there.
My brother, when he went through his divorce, was living with me and even his doctor made him contract for safety. I was very worried he would commit suicide. He got on Prozac and he was a changed person within a few days actually. I know it usually doesn't happen that fast.
I had a meltdown over my own son the other night. I should have gone for a walk, but it was the middle of the night. It is only on walks that I'm usually able to deal with the insanity in my own life.
Having children has been the toughest job I've ever had. And it obviously never ends.
Shannon, I have suffered from post-partum depression as well--nothing like your daughter, but it was bad enough. It occurred to me that you may be suffering from your own form of post-partum depression. After all, YOU are the mother for now, the main care-taker. You're the one up with the little one at night, changing diapers, feeding him. I remember those first 6 weeks with a newborn--precious but exhausting. I've never been so tired in my life and may never be that tired again!
So please take care of yourself--one day at a time with the baby and your daughter. It's good your daughter is hospitalized and being taken care of.
It sounds like you may be preparing yourself for the possibility that you'll be raising the baby. If you decide this is not a wise option (and only you can decide this--you already know that people will judge you), is there anyone in your extended family who might consider adopting the baby and raising it if your daughter turns out unable to do so?
You have some hard choices ahead and I so feel for you. But for now, if you can just focus on getting the support you need (Vitamin B shots, an anti-depressant, some time for yourself, whatever it takes) and for the little one, you'll come out great.
I have to say that you've been on of those on this board I truly admire--I'v read your stories about your Russian daughter. You're an amazing woman. YOu'll get through this.
Last thing I want to do is throw more poo on your head at this time, but I ask because after I was in a bad car accident, I was given Demerol, which it turns out I'm severely allergic, and I had a psychotic reaction. I was just as bad, if not worse than your daughter. The hospital initially blamed my condition on my being a drug addict(!), but they finally got my system cleaned out and put me on Haladol. I was back to normal shortly after that. Please believe that your daughter will be better soon, and don't hold what she says or does now against her, her perception of reality has been compromised. Sending all positive thoughts your way at this time. Be strong.
One of the old timers here. I've followed your story for years, Shannon. You've come through a lot. You're strong. You have much love and compassion. Hold on, just hold on. That's what I've had to do at certain times in my life. My thoughts and sympathy are with you. Many people have given you great advice. I hope so much that the doctors can help get your daughter through this safely and that she'll come out of this and be ok.
Shannon, the sister of a very good friend of mine gave birth to her first child last year and also suffered from *severe* postpartum depression. I am not certain whether it was full-blown postpartum psychosis, but I do know that her extended family was under strict orders from her physician not to allow her to be alone with her baby under any circumstances, even for a minute. She would weep non-stop for hours, could not stand to be near the baby, talked of throwing him in the garbage, etc.
Her parents are almost 70, and her father has had serious health problems for years, so like you, they were not only extremely anxious for their daughter and the baby but also very worried that they would have to become their grandson's primary caregiver. (The dad works full-time, as does my friend, and there were no other siblings or other relatives nearby who could step in.)
Anyway, the very GOOD news is that with medication she was fine within a few weeks. She has not had any problems since being cured and according to my friend is genuinely enjoying motherhood. Her parents did need to care for their grandson during those awful first weeks, and it was hard on them, but now everyone is fine and back to normal. So, please know that this IS curable and that it hopefully you will need to deal with this terrible situation long-term. I wish you and your daughter all the best.
Hire a night nurse for the baby (if you can). Lack of sleep can really hurt a person.
Some families are not able to take in a grandchild, so be thankful you can. Remember to just do what you have to do. Try not to judge your daughter or those in her life, where you can. Try not to focus on long term stuff. You'll figure out that stuff as you need to. Get plenty of sleep, food (Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired) where needed.
Sorry I can't offer help since I'm not there...good luck. this will pass.
You are loved and we are all hoping for the best outcome in your situation. Stay strong and treat yourself well even though it may be difficult.
It is truly refreshing to see so much love and concern going out to friends when challenges like this happen in our lives. This is a tough situation and I feel for you. Breath, slow down your mind, cry, get up, try to do your best. Ask for help when you see that you need it...maybe someone can assist you. Hang in there.
Hang in there Shannon! You know how to get the help you need! You're smart! You're probably sleep deprived and that will lead to all kinds of problems. Know you have support here!
I just read this thread. Lot of great advice. A question I have is whether you are taking care of the baby AND doing what you did before or whether you have delegated some of the work to others. Besides family members, what other resources are available to you to get you through the roughest part? Please take as good of care of yourself as you can.
I had post partum depression twice and I only have two children. The second time was the worst and it was the last time. I also had problems with major depression and panic before I got pregnant, since early twenties and I still make it through the post baby depression.
I was tired. So tired. Giving birth is hard and harder for some women, I was 39 for my last child and I was sleep deprived. I gave birth without drugs and was exhausted...too exhausted.
Yes, I resented my baby. You say you don't know how a mother can reject her baby. It happens. Sometimes, more often than not, a mother does not bond right away with her baby. It takes a long time for the bond to form. People won't talk about subjects like that because it is just taboo. How can a mother not bond with her baby, it boggles peoples minds and yet it keeps a mom who is experiencing that from reaching out for help. It is too shameful to admit.
I admitted it though and I blamed the baby for my depression. My primary doctor was honest with me and said that more than likely I would not have gotten depressed if not for the pregnancy, sleep deprivation and hormones BUT she painted a picture of the future for me of how much I would come to love the baby and there would be a time in the future that I would not know how I lived without her. I clung to that hope. That is a picture your daughter needs painted for her.
My therapist shared how some women take time to bond with some of their children. It happens and it is more normal than most thing and your daughter needs to know she is not a bad person and is not feeling/doing something that no other woman has never experienced. She is not alone and sometimes it takes time and not judge herself or be judged by others.
I needed sleep, rest and I went through extensive therapy. I had a suicide note written and a plan of action, that is how desperate I was. The hormones had to return to normal and I went to work on the issues from my childhood.
That was seventeen years ago the end of this month. I have not had a bout of depression since then, but it took almost a year to be completely normal (and I was not on medication, probably would have been sooner). This is my daughter who had thyroid cancer...I don't know if any remember me talking about that. This past OCtober she was told that they believe they got all the cancer.
There is hope and where there is life, there is always hope. There is light at the end of the tunnel, some things take time and this will take time. I had to take one section of the day at a time while I went through it, looking ahead to the evening when it was only morning overwhelmed me and I suggest that for both of you. These things happen, she is not bad, you are not bad, we live in an imperfect world with imperfect bodies and have less than imperfect experiences and wham...fallout.
That you for saying that Susan I/S. It is very hard to come forward and talk about the unpleasant side of having a child. It is embarrassing and humiliating even though I am faceless and unknown to most here.
It was a very dark time in my life. When a physical body is so very taxed, as mine was...I had a hard pregnancy, fought pre-term labor with several trips to the hospital and meds, and had to spend the last few months in bed while trying to take care of an 8 year old...sleep deprived and was nauseous for almost nine months, it was too much to hold back the tide of anger and hurt from my childhood. Something had to give.
I received some very bad news about what happened to me as a child right in my 4th post partum week, (how the heck is partum spelled?) just as my daughter went into full blown colic. Aye Aye Aye yi yi.
It was hard and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. The work I did in therapy at that time was extensive and healing....I learned much and that is an understatement.
It takes time, and it happens. Motherhood is not always a perfect picture of a perfect Madonna holding a perfect golden child. With help, support encouragement and love and compassion, a mother can make it through her dark times.
There is a lot of shame with women who are pregnant or new moms - whether it's the inability to breastfeed easily (or at all), cope with the stress, or something such as dealing with pregnancy complications.
The shame prevents a LOT of women from seeking help - because the expectation is that women are going to be overjoyed, beaming, glowing, etc. from both pregnancy and the new life that's created.
The reactions from people when I express my frustration, anger, and fatigue with my pregnancy, and recently discovered complications, are not good. They're appalled that I'm not in happy-happy-joy-joy mode all the time, even from women who say that they had hard pregnancies. It's intimidating, isolating, and yes - creates this wall of shame that I don't dare cross most of the time because of the instant "bad mother" or "bad person" label that will instantly be applied.
I don't want to rain on the parade, but I do have a couple of concerns. 1, some psychiatric disorders start in early adulthood. Your daughter could have something that isn't going away and the gene expression was triggered by post-partum hormones etc. 2, some people with post-partum are never the same. My mother has never been the same since my brother/sister were born. She was kind of dead to me from that time forward.
Now for the good part. My wife has had post-partum depression to the point where I have had to step in and save my kids from her. Fortunately, I work just a few miles from home so I can keep tabs on things. Every time she has had to take medication to put an end to it. She is 1 month post-partum and right now she is breastfeeding and can't take the drugs...but I wish she could! She gets really f*cking crazy! Once it's over with, she's a great mom.
I know you have fears of raising this baby, but your daughter is only 18 and it sounds like she is single. You are going to have a major role in raising this child over (likely) the next 10 years no matter what. This child is going to love their grandparents more than anyone in the world. I know you are concerned about your daughter, but I hope you can take some joy in your experiences with this baby! Modern medicine will be able to get your daughter sane again! It could be a rough couple of months until they get the meds worked out just right though. You can push through this. You've been a parent before. Just relax and focus on that cute baby!