Things are coming quickly to a head in my life and I want your perspective on what you do when you feel truly hopeless. Thanks. I'm hopeful your comments will help several of the other posters of late who seem to feel the same way...

When I felt that way, I sought help from a competent therapist who counseled me and helped me get on antidepressants. In my case, it was just what I needed.

In your case, it might not be what you need. You may just need a caring friend to listen to you and offer you insight. If you're really feeling hopeless, I would recommend finding someone objective who can offer you perspectives you might not have otherwise considered. Your situation might not be as hopeless as you think it is.

It's hard to address too well without knowing specifics.

Some things that help me a little:

1) Force myself to do moderate exercise
2) Remind myself that everything I'm worrying about won't happen. Even if the very worst thing I'm worrying about happens that's not nearly as bad as everything I'm worried about all happening - which is what I imagine - it's like I carry the stress of all possible futures combined even though only one of them will happen.
3) It's never hopeless. There is always a choice of what you want to do that will have the best outcome given the circumstances.

For me, I feel hopeless when I can't affect a situation (usually revolves around family members).
Rather than stew over that situation, I focus on ones I can change.

So for me, I usually dive into one of my side projects. I will design a new invention, or program a new app, etc...

But if you are feeling hopeless about your own life & situation, I would suggest going to a therapist. Therapy is meant for this type of situation.

Reminds me of the serenity prayer:


God, give me grace to accept with serenity
the things that cannot be changed,
Courage to change the things
which should be changed,
and the Wisdom to distinguish
the one from the other.

Living one day at a time,
Enjoying one moment at a time,
Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace,
Taking, as Jesus did,
This sinful world as it is,
Not as I would have it,
Trusting that You will make all things right,
If I surrender to Your will,
So that I may be reasonably happy in this life,
And supremely happy with You forever in the next.

Amen.

Thanks for all the posts so far. Some broad examples of things I am feeling hopeless and/or confused about:

Career
Sex & Marriage, Kids
Family
School (I already have an undergraduate--it isn't working out and I'm not interested anymore anyway)
Lifestyle

I feel robbed of that period of life when I would have really discovered who I am. I would have likely made vastly different choices. How do I reboot my life in my 30's? There doesn't seem to be much hope for the kind of success and experiences I once thought that I could have etc.

I do recommend therapy then.

There is always a chance that you can come out of this on your own, but to have a broad sense of hopelessness is indicative of depression. Therapy & medication could be very helpful.

I'm not saying it will fix it without any effort from you (obviously), but it can at least help with the hopelessness in the interim.

Just to offer you a little perspective... I am a nevermo who didn't have to worry about fulfilling Mormon roles or expectations. My family pressured me to have a career. It hasn't worked out that way for me, and at this point, I'm not even sure that's what I would want. But still, I remember that pressure. It wasn't coming from religion, though. It came from my family and their expectations, which turned into my own expectations for myself that were left unfulfilled.

I have a lot of the same feelings you do about wanting to "reboot". I'm 40 years old and have three degrees, none of which I really use the way I thought I would. I have a happy marriage to an exmo, but we've had to deal with some stuff I never thought I'd have to deal with. I always wanted kids, but I'll never have them. I write these things not to spill my guts to you, but to let you know that you're not alone. Even if you hadn't felt like you had to make certain choices when you were younger, you might still feel the way you do right now. I think it's a universal problem-- looking back at the past and wishing we'd done things differently.

I saw a therapist when I was in my 20s and feeling pretty hopeless. He was very helpful in getting me to change the way I think about things. Evening out my brain chemicals also really helped because I was dealing with some pretty serious depression and anxiety. Exercise was also helpful... So was studying voice, which is something I'm good at that provided release and enjoyment. Nowadays, I get the same release from writing.

I think you need to come to terms with the fact that regrets are inevitable for most people. You can't change the past, but you still have a lot of life ahead of you. You can make changes that will help you reboot your life. You may have to do it gradually or subtly, but you can make those changes one step at a time. And I write this knowing that I need to take some similar steps in my own life. I've done it before, though, so I know I can do it again.

I think a good first step for you would be to find that objective person who will listen to you and offer you insight and perspective. It could be a therapist or just a really patient and kind friend.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 01/10/2013 01:01PM by knotheadusc.

you've made a number of excellent points. I think just about everybody wishes they could "reboot" at one time or another. Heck, I've got at least two decades on you and I still am not sure what I want to be if I ever grow up!

We've all made choices that later on, we wish we hadn't. But we have the freedom to change course. Sometimes, talking to a professional counselor and/or stabilizing course with medication can help.

Oh - knothead - I went to that OTHER school, across town, the blue and gold one. Even so, I just had to say that your post was outstanding!

So you are having a midlife crisis. Welcome to the club.

Probably good to talk with a counselor to help you sort things out.

A good counselor/therapist can help you re-define "success" in life. It is so helpful to have a third party perspective on your problems from someone that is not a family member or friend. And definitely not mormon. It's so easy to become depressed when your life is not taking the course that you had envisioned. It's even more difficult when you have to deal with mormons that only understand acting fake and hiding their real problems. I can relate to the way you feel and the thing is you're not alone. Virtually everyone has feelings like this at some point and counseling can be such a great help. It won't be easy though, you'll have to be prepared to have very difficult discussions and possibly make difficult life decisions. Good luck.

As a woman in her late 40s who just now figured out the truth, I can say that mid 30s is NOT too late to start over. I also realize that had I known earlier I would have made different choices also - marriage, carrier, even where I live. But, we are where we are. Nothing you can do to chagne that. We can only change the future.

We have to work with what we have at the moment. If you are not happy in your marriage what can you do to change that? Communication is key. Even divorce is not out of the question. You have to decide.

Career - I have changed total careers 4 times in my life. My sister went back to school and got a degree starting from scratch at age 40. It can be done. Figure out what you enjoy. Even take a career exploration course to help you. Some careers do not require any schooling if you cannot afford it.

Family, even that is not unchangeable. We cannot choose our family but we can choose how and how much we interact with them.

You have all the choises. Some of them may be hard - very hard but you are not helpless. There is always a choise, you just have to have courage to figure out what those choises are and which is the best option for you.

You get a prescription for Prozac, which helps up the Serotonin in your system.

People often make fun of meds on this board.

But keep in mind that constant stress may seriously deplete your Serotonin, so don't feel bad about needing medication.

Sometimes Prozac makes things worse, though. If you plan to use antidepressants, make sure it's the right one. I took Prozac and it made me crazy. Wellbutrin was a better choice for me.

Do something that is against the grain of the despair you are feeling. If you have been listening to sad, introspective music, stop it. Put on some lighter music. If you have been following the news and all the bad news from around the world is just confirming your dark view of life and human beings, stop it. If you spend hours sitting then get up and move around. If you are eating crap food, stop it. Eat fresh, healthy food and as you are eating it think about the good it is doing for your body. Stop ruminating. Distract yourself with an audiobook if nothing else. There are some self help books you can listen to if you don't have the concentration to read. Find them at the library or by library download (free). Get outside.

All these things sound small but still they are effective and may be difficult. The whole thing is, turn away from any behavior that is playing in to your depression and anxiety. even if it seems comfortable. An example: listening to sad music when you are feeling personally destroyed. Lose it. You can listen again for pleasure when you are feeling good again. It really does matter where you place your attention and what choices you make in small things.

Give yourself credit for every positive thing you do. Look around you and say I will change ten things in my environment. I don't mean paint a room (unless you want to). I mean pick up a towel. Wash a glass. Gather up those paperclips littering your workspace and put them away. Listen to one phone message. There are 4 things already. Doing little things will build momentum for doing more little things, then medium things and so on.

Don't blame yourself for being so stuck in life right now. It is a universal human experience. Often, when you come out of a funk like this you have renewed creative energy.

Since your brain is temporarily malfunctioning you are not perceiving and interpreting the world correctly now. Try to remember that.

You will get over this. You will feel better.

I read "The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook" by Bourne, recommended by wise people on this board. It helped me separate my "fight or flight" response with what I could change.

Figure out if there is one of these areas you can change (like education, looking for a new job or asking for a promotion). Usually, there is something that can be changed. If you focus on your marriage, maybe prof. counseling could help.

30 seems old because of our culture's obsession with youth. Many people (Vonnegut, Einstein?) didn't see success until they were older. Age is really what you make of it.

I've realized that I feel trapped, but often I have the power to change my circumstances. Just knowing I have a choice and know the (possible) consequences is reassuring.

I rarely have those feelings, but when I do, I know that I need to change my thinking and do it quickly. That has been the solution for me for most of my life.
There is great power in changing my thinking and knowing that a thought is just a thought and may or may not be true.

I go to peopleofwalmart.com

<snort!>

TG

I clean, call one of my sisters, then get hammered and deal with it the next day.

If it's still not better in a week or so, I go see a shrink to get an objective opinion. If it lasts a month or so, I consider taking meds until I work through the issues.

I try to pay more attention to my self talk. Making sure that i'm not making things worse by thinking and saying negative things over and over in my mind. I get caught up in that easily.

I find that I am happier when I take positive action to improve my circumstances. Whether it works out or not is almost beside the point. It's the taking action that has the positive effect.

There is a lot of creative power in life. More than you are realizing at present. You have the ability to make the changes you want.

Other than that, attend to the basics of mental and physical health: sleep, good nutrition, exercise, friendships, and counseling. I've found having a lot of interaction with a loving pet helpful as well.

This might not work for everyone, but I'd go and visit nursing home patients... Whatever problem I may be having, if I can walk and go to the restroom without having to be helped or even scratch most of my own itches, I'm having it a whole lot better than a whole lot of people are having it everyday.

I start getting down on myself and I remember the 30 something yrs old I knew who crushed his spinal chord in an accident and now can't even turn himself in bed. He eats when somebody comes to feed him. If a bit of food misses the mouth and wedges itself between his skin and the bed, causing irritation, he can't tell the nurse about it and has to just endure it. And that's the way it's gonna go for him for the rest of his life, looks like. Seeing things like that puts things in perspectives in a hurry.