I have been married for 26 years, and have three children. Both of my girls are in college, one is married. My son is 9, and is high functioning autistic.

I discovered my husband was gay after we had been married for about 15 years; I found traces of hardcore male/male Internet porn on our computer. After I confronted him, he admitted that it was his.

We have had intimacy problems almost from day one of the marriage. I felt, for years, that something was wrong with me. I felt like I was a sex addict, and completely unattractive to my husband because the only time he would want to be physical was if I initiated it, and very often, he would reject me even then.

We tried to make the best of things. After I confronted him, we decided we would try to make things work, as much for the children, as anything. It wasn't their fault that we were having problems. My son was conceived as part of a reconciliation attempt.

Our lives had settled into a pretty basic routine. After the baby was born, I had actually lost a lot of my sexual drive due to a hormonal drop which can occur. I actually felt normal! I wasn't unhappy that the drive was gone since I had been so frustrated when I had it.

We have (and currently live) a fairly comfortable life. My husband has a good job; I have a good job, and have been able to also freely pursue my music career.

But there was still an emptiness in our relationship.

Then...complication set in. A good friend of mine asked if I could help him build an ecommerce website for his company. (I do private contract web design). As we started working together, it became evident that there was an attraction between us. We have not slept together, but we have kissed, and conducted ourselves in a way that I am sure would at least get me disfellowshipped if the Bishop knew about it.

This friend (who is not a member of the Church) is single, and wants to marry me.

I am very confused about what to do. On the one hand, I don't hate my husband. I love him. I am just not "in love" with him, and have been hurt deeply because I have never experienced the kind of mutual attraction that occurs in a normal heterosexual marriage.

I actually have an opportunity to experience that, and be happy in a way I have never had a chance to be.

However, our son is 9, and is high functioning autistic. I am concerned about how he will react to a split between his Dad and me. I feel selfish that I am contemplating putting my happiness before his.

I am not really expecting answers here. I just needed to basically write everything out. I certainly respect your opinions, if you wish to share.

Thanks for listening.

I don't have any judgment or advice - right now.

But I heard your story.

Good luck.

You deserve some happiness too. I have no real advice and know next to nothing about autism, but I would think a happy fulfilled mom would be a big plus for any kid.

I am so happy for you that you have some romance. That is fantastic.

All divorces are not created equal. It is possible to have a great one believe it or not, where the kid wins too. Seriously think about that.

as much as I HATE Divorce, I understand that ppl sometimes (often?) grow in different dircetions; whether / not the LDS model of wife following most everywhere a husband leads is 'ideal', helpful, or productive is another Question.

If the attractions that brought you to marriage & family are (100%) Gone, THAT would b a challenge.

Good Luck. It was nice to read of your consideration for your children, they can't be considered to be 'on their own', they look to Both parents for examples & guidance.

GNPE/at

It sounds like both of you would be happier if you divorced. Don't stay married for marriage sake. A divorce on friendly terms would give both of you an opportunity to seek for "true love". You deserve to be loved and so do your husband, but neither of you can give the other one the love you both needs.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 01/11/2013 03:35PM by swiper.

You both deserve happiness, but sadly, the church has pushed you both into a kind of hell, by trying to force your husband to be someone he is not, and by extension, your relationship into something that it is not.

You can still love each other, but not be in love. You are both the parents of your children. Maybe it is time to come up with an arrangement that can make you both happy. You both need someone who can give you want the other one can not. Maybe this means you continue living in the same house, but in different rooms, and are free to date, until the children are grown. Maybe it means that you set up separate households and work on a custody plan.

Both plans have their strengths and weaknesses. The problem with the first is that neither of you have control over who the other will bring into your lives. You can agree to have veto power over boyfriend visitation until you both get to know and trust, but even this can become difficult after a while.

There is really no easy solution to your situation, because the church put you in a difficult situation. But remember, you both share the bond of loving your children, so build on that.

There are no easy answers.

I am in a somewhat similar situation and ask myself some of these questions often. For me personally the decision at least for now is to stay in my marriage because we work fairly well together and make a better team together than apart to raise our kids. Your decision may be completely different - no judgement here.

A couple thoughts:

1) It seems like having a fish on the line is the wrong reason to make this decision. It seems that it should be based more on whether your relationship with your husband is done and over and that you are ready to move on from that independent of other prospects.

You can probably make the assumption that you will eventually find another relationship if you want to. You also don't know for sure that the one you are interested in right now is really going to pan out.

In the end this decision needs to be about you, your husband & your son not the other fish on the line. Is it time for your marriage to be over?

2) Is having an affair an option? This may seem like a wacky/immoral suggestion, but I don't know. I wouldn't condone cheating - I would think the right answer would be to be open about it with your hubby. However where he is gay, in a sense, it only seems fair that you are allowed to do this. Arguably this is more moral because it still allows you to raise your son together?

3) With that said my gut says to me you DESERVE to be wanted and had for once in your life.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 01/11/2013 03:46PM by bc.

bc Wrote:
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1) It seems like having a fish on the line is the wrong reason to make this decision. It seems that it should be based more on whether your relationship with your husband is done and over and that you are ready to move on from that independent of other prospects.

You can probably make the assumption that you will eventually find another relationship if you want to. You also don't know for sure that the one you are interested in right now is really going to pan out.

In the end this decision needs to be about you, your husband & your son not the other fish on the line. Is it time for your marriage to be over?



This is what makes things difficult. I was prepared to live my life, basically, the way you and your husband are doing. We do work well together as far as raising the kids, and our life together is not unpleasant. Although in the past, we have been through hell and back, at the present time, we are actually pretty content together from a daily routine standpoint.

However, I was not aware of exactly how empty I felt UNTIL this other person came into my life. And, no, if he were not in my life, I probably would not be considering divorce at this time. *sigh*

It's a tough spot.

ps. Not important but in my case I am the husband :)

I have to admit that if someone were on the line it might change things for me too. We have no answers for you - the best we can do is throw out ideas and different perspectives to hopefully help you think things through.

Maybe I'm a really bad person, but I honestly think I might choose an affair if I were in your situation. I mean the situation where my spouse had zero sexual interest in me - which isn't my case.

Thank you all for your kind remarks. I really appreciate it!

I do plan on speaking with him, but having read here for a while, I know that some folks here have gone through similar situations, and was looking for some moral support.

Sorry if my post offended you.

This is what I have put my wife through, we have 4 kids and I was gay from 10 years old. I tried to pray it away, serve a mission, accept callings and nothing took it away. We have been married for 30 years and I am not happy. I am with her becasue she has stuck with me since she found out in a similar way 15 years ago. I owe her a lot and don't want to hurt her so I keep secrets. I am not attracted to her and she feels that I feel awful. I am caught in a catch 22 situation, and my leaders put me there when they promised me this attraction would go away when I got married. This was through inspired leaders and blessings and all that stuff............. If my wife found someone and wanted a divorce I would be okay, I would be relieved, it's like being released from a calling. If a man can love more than one woman a woman can love more that one man. It is up to you, I know what I would say.

None of us can tell you what to do.

My "ex" is gay--though I'm still married to him for insurance and we NOW live together in our house, I am in an 8 year relationship with the nonmo I dated at age 20. My husband left me 17 years ago. I never planned on ever dating again. I would stayed with him even with all his cheating. It is not necessarily the right situation, but I didn't want to raise my kids alone and I knew I'd fall apart, which I did.

All the people here have heard my story enough. I think my e-mail is listed if you want to ask me any questions. There is a group of ex-wives on fb--they are under wildflowers or wearewildflowers. There are other posters on rfm who have been through this, too.

I have never heard your story enough. Each time you tell it to a new poster you may reach new posters who have not heard it.

by a few that I need to stop talking about my gay husband--but it is my experience and the reason I left the lds church.

For me, my heart would be torn. Why did I end up living in the same house with my ex? I don't know that I should have done that, but he and I get along great NOW (and I lived with my boyfriend in Colorado for over a year). We hated each other after he left for about ??? years. Our kids have paid a price--hard to know what effects it has on your kids. There are MANY days I wish he would have just stayed. He sure has a difficult time with the fact I'm in this relationship I'm in, but he finally found a guy he is head over heels for. He lives downstairs--I live upstairs.

And things may just get more complicated soon. . .

But this is a different situation and only the family involved knows how to handle it. I do believe my kids would have been better off if my ex had stayed, but maybe not. There are no easy answers to finding your self here. And I must say--he cries over leaving them often.

One thing I had in my favor--is I knew. It really does make a difference. I didn't have to go through the years of wondering what was wrong with me--why wasn't he attracted to me. It really does make a HUGE difference.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 01/11/2013 04:17PM by cl2.

Well, I appreciate you sharing your story, so thanks! :D

Your husband is GAY and the Mormon church is a fraud - those facts won't change.

I'd divorce both and marry the new man, provided he is sincere.
You can do so fairly easily, considering your circumstances.

But you should know that even in a new marriage there will be occasional disagreements.

And by all means, keep the damn church out of your business. You and your husbnd should settle things in private without talking to local church leaders.

You have enough to deal with without bringing a so-called bishop into this. You and your family do not need any judgment or penalties imposed upon you. A therapist might help --and this board--if you want a private (or anonymous) place to sort out your thinking. There have been so many instances of ward gossip starting right from the bishop's office reported here.

Best of luck! You and your husband may have a happy ending yet!

Thanks! And, yes, I agree. We do not plan on involving the bishop in any of this.

Thank you very much, cl2 and inasinkingboat.

Hearing your responses gives me a lot to think about.

Every situation is different but, I am a closeted gay in a straight multi-year marriage.

The reasons why I stay in the marriage are more than I can explain here without giving myself away... But, on most levels I do love her and I know it would break her heart. There's a lot more to it than that. We are comfortable together and for now at least, it works. As for sex, for various reasons which I won't go into, the lack of sexual interest on my part kind of works for her and she has written it off as the church having messed me up sexually, which, really, is the truth.

But, if she were to tell me that she found someone else that makes her happy, or even if she decided that she wanted to pursue other opportunities, I would be more than happy for her. I would be excited that she would have a chance at something that I simply can't provide regardless of what I do provide. And, to be honest I would be excited to try and find the same for myself. I thought this even on my most self hating TBM days. I just want her to be happy, and I believe that she is. (I know longer hate myself, I do wish things were different, but I'm OK with where I'm at.)

I can't really say what would or wouldn't work for you in your situation, this is just how I felt, and while I'm not your husband and can't really know what he's thinking, it wouldn't surprise me if he wouldn't feel the same way.

Do what you want to do.
To me it sounds like you want to get divorced and re-married.

You can worry forever about other people and how it will affect them... but you'll never correctly predict everything, you'll worry yourself to death, and you'll forego many things that would have been good.

So weigh the consequences... but in the end, you should do what you want, unless the consequences trump that desire.

I don't know the particulars of your child's situation, but it seems like there might be a workable solution that would allow both you and your husband to move on.

In your situation, it seems like splitting could be a win/win for you and your husband. And as long as exes can work together for the good of the child, without fighting, it could be done.

I think for most people, finding out their spouse (of the opposite sex) is gay would be a dealbreaker. The fact that you would even consider staying together for the benefit of your child shows what a caring and loving person you are. But please consider your own happiness in this. I personally believe that you only have one life, so it would be a shame to miss out on love.

Dear Nomincrisis,

This is a tough one. I haven't read the other responses so feel free to take my words here with a grain of salt. I'm gay. And when I was a young man, the world was very different from today. I felt the pressure to get married. It was still during the time when certain bishops, etc were telling men to get married; that it would "straighten" them out. I came close to getting married but in the end, chose myself. I loved the girl. I can even say I was in love with her. But I just saw nothing but heartache for her down the road. And I think I just loved myself more.

Everyone deserves some sexual fulfillment in life. It doesn't last that long, despite your looks or circumstances. You may marry this guy and 5 years down the road be looking at the same boring routine you're in now. You may. Or you may not. No one has a crystal ball.

If it were me, I'd show your husband this letter that you posted here today. Tell him you want to explore a sexual relationship with a heterosexual. I find it odd that this new suitor is not LDS and would still consider marrying a woman he'd never had sex with. That gives me a little pause as someone who lives outside of the Morridor. I don't see the need to make any rash decisions. If it's good now, it will be good in a year. Be honest with your husband every step of the way. That's much better than betrayal. You don't want to live with that the rest of your life.

And whatever you do, if you do act on your feelings for this man, don't go running to your bishop. He's not a therapist or a marriage counselor. He's probably an accountant or a programmer. He doesn't want to hear it. And he has no more authority to absolve you of your sins than I do.

You're not going to get out of this without someone getting hurt. I think the best thing to do is to be honest with all parties about the situation. Let them throw their tantrums. Come to a consensus. Perhaps your husband wants to pursue life with a man. You won't know till you ask. And it's nobody's business but your own.

Well, that's enough of my opinion, I'm sure. Best of luck to you in whatever you decide.

You need to understand this, and as much as I hate to admit it, Dr. Phil was right about this.

There is no such thing in a relationship as "Love but not in love" If you love somebody, you're already in love with that person.

This is all my opinion however, and I am a nevermo, so I can't begin to understand how the LDS church plays into all of this. I only come around here to try to get some insight into why my friend did the stuff he did for so long.

rracer Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> You need to understand this, and as much as I hate
> to admit it, Dr. Phil was right about this.
>
> There is no such thing in a relationship as "Love
> but not in love" If you love somebody, you're
> already in love with that person.
>
> This is all my opinion however, and I am a
> nevermo, so I can't begin to understand how the
> LDS church plays into all of this. I only come
> around here to try to get some insight into why my
> friend did the stuff he did for so long.

This is total, total nonsense (as is much of what "Dr. Phil" says).

You can love many, many people and not be "in love" with them, starting with your children...at least (hopefully) SOME of your relatives...your best (non-sexual) friend...and on and on and on.

If you're working in Third World conditions (either in a Third World country, or in a similar place in your home country), and you're working with children, abused people, the needy elderly, etc., it is commonplace to "love"--but not be "in love"--with at least one or more of those who have grown to care for so much. You can love your pet or any other animal yet not be "in love" with them!

To say that this phenomenon is universal--with the sole exception of sexual/romantic relationships--is just nonsense. It happens all the time to people of all genders and all possible orientations.

And it FREQUENTLY happens in marriges and other partnerships where one person is gay and the other is straight.



It is one of the more commonplace

Actually from my experience it doesn't. But again I said that was only my opinion.

My ex and I were there not that long ago: we decided to divorce last April. We both decided that we needed to love the other enough to let them go. We still get along great and coparent well.

We have 2 girls, both young. We decided that if we stayed together, we'd probably present a poisoned version of love to them, possibly leading them to seek a similar unfulfilling relationship.

I agree with bc that having a fish on the line isn't a reason to let go, but would suggest that catching a glimpse of what's available probably will make staying together MUCH harder. There's a deep incompatibility between your husband and yourself. The longer that situation lingers, the stronger your desire will be to be with someone you're attracted to.

As far as staying together for your kids: realize that the "staying together" option will probably lead to some fairly major depression on your part (and likely his as well), and factor that into the equation. How effective do you feel you can be as a parent in such a situation?

I have a hard time believing that a gay man, especially one who looks at porn, has not found some action over the course of your marriage.

NOt that this is relevant. I think you and hubby need to find an amicable split so that you both can find true romance in your lives. As long as you keep your son's interests in mind, he will be okay.

wow...what a rough situation to be in. I see lots of good advice here, except there is a fatal flaw. The man is TBM! He's not going to go along with a "go try out hetero sex" line if he is really is toeing the party line. For his sake, I wish you could end his false beliefs about himself. And for you, I hope you can overcome the lifetime of disappointment of not feeling attractive to your spouse. Not experiencing the headaches and excuses you'd have to give to your man to keep him off of you or the lifetime of compliments. I think you both should consider visiting with a counselor.

I have seen amicable divorces. My aunt has a good relationship with her ex-husband. They can sit and have dinner with the new spouses etc and it isn't awkward.

I do think that you should sit down with your husband and talk about it all. Say hey, you're gay. I've never been good enough for you because you want a man. I am running out of time to go out and find someone who is heterosexual and will love me the way I need to be loved. I'll always love you and I don't want to hurt you, but my best years are going to run out! It might be worth talking to him about what he wants as a gay man. Maybe you can work out an open marriage after you get him out of the church. I wouldn't bring up your new man until much later in the process though.

In fact, if I were in the same situation I'd go for the affair for a few years first :D (unless you'd feel guilty...I wouldn't, which is probably why this is bad avice too)



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 01/11/2013 06:27PM by absentminded.

Either split or open your marriage. That is the only solution that will fulfill you long term. An affair (not telling your husband) will lead to secrets and more problems IMHO.

Ultimately it is up to you. I do think that often people can split and end up far happier than before and in fact improve the children's lives, but that all depends on how the parties handle it.

good luck with it!

hope you find happiness

Would he even be jealous if you had an affair? Seriously, he really might not care (except of course he doesn't want a sinful celestial wife).

Honestly it sounds like the real thing holding the marriage together is the mormon church. If he dissented would he still be so gung ho about staying together? If not, then really consider if sacrificing you happiness is worth letting him have an imaginary reward for the next life.

BUT, if you do divorce, please, please don't rush immediately into another marriage. It's easy to just blame all your sexual problems in this marriage on the gay thing, but even in marriages where both partners are attracted to the gender of their spouse there are problems. In my marriage I don't know I feel sexually satisfied. My wife is the right gender, she's more than willing, and she looks great. But I STILL am very attracted to other women, and at times wish the whole thing could just end and I could strike up new relationships ...