The uber controlling TBM ex has decided that I should have limited access to or even effectively no longer see my children because I am an active exmormon.

I sent an email requesting that we work out the schedule for summer time with my teen child at my home. True, I have most recently included my children in some of my exmo activities so that they can get a different perspective from the highly sheltered environment the ex sequesters them. The ex wrote:

" I expressed some concerns about your public criticism of the church and how that was impacting our children. You took them to an anti-mormon rally against my wishes. I don't feel like I can agree to extended summer visits at this time until you are able to understand and acknowledge the conflict your current behavior and attitudes are causing for the children. If you are willing to think beyond your own agenda and consider what is best for our children I will consider letting you have [child] for more extended time during the summer."

My teen child does not want to be raised a mormon, however the teen is baptized and isn't adamant about not going to church (gives into the ex readily). What I read is that my ex believes parenting time can be adjusted according to my religious (or lack of) practices where they differ from the ex's.

I believe I have a strong legal case because this is unacceptable from my rights. However, what I want to know is, what is best for the teen child. The conflict is never good. The children are essentially pitted between us because the ex uses my unbelief as a means to keep me from seeing and communicating with them as much as I (and they) would like. Even when I was not public about my disbelief, the ex still tried to impede my access. This has increased recently with my more open appearance as an exmo.

Should I give up my exmo practices (which have been substantial) in order to appease the ex? Should I give up on fighting this because even if I stop all exmo activity, the ex is likely to continue impeding me? Should I go to court and fight for my rights and more access to my children?

I truly want to fight hard. I want the access. But I don't want to hurt the children in this.

Yes, revisit your agreement in front of a mediator or judge. You have rights to your children and your ex cannot arbitrarily take them away unless you already signed away all rights to your children.

Talk to your lawyer. He's knows more about the details of the divorce decree than any of us.

One parent attempting to limit visitation is called "parental alienation" and is against the law.

You have visitation rights either spelled out in the divorce decree or implied in state law. If you don't have it spelled out, then you need to talk to an attorney ASAP.

By what you have described, as Outcast says, yes. It is illegal and she should not be doing it. And if you're going in the best interest of the kids, I'm pretty sure what they want is far more important than what religion she thinks they need. Maybe don't go as hard on the anti-Mormon stuff because taking them to a rally against the church could be interpreted as bad for the kids, but don't give up. She deserves to know what your rights are and that you can have the kids.

I firmly believe that your children having you in their life is as much as possible is what's best for them.

I too struggle with how hard to push things with my children - above all else I want to avoid them feeling like they are caught in the middle between my and my wife regarding religion.

Even though I am custodial parent, I gave consent for our daughter to be baptized. Why? Cuz if I didn't I would look like a controlling SOB. But also cuz I want our daughter to understand it's really not that big of a deal. I've told her several times that her mom's church does things and believes things in ways that other people do not. I've told her when she turns 18 she is free to join any church or no church at all. I'm not going to push her either way.

However, she knows I am not a member and at the very least I can set an example and be the voice of reason as she gets older.

Even if one parent were the most adamant, public anti-mormon, it is still a matter of religious belief and exercise.

I don't think the law/courts can even consider religion as a factor for deciding custody and visitation. Look at it this way--what if an atheist parent were arguing that the extreme religious nut case parent wasn't fit because he practiced bizarre rituals? Would the court touch that?

If one parent is holding religion above the parental rights (where the court has already designated parenting time for each), the court would be forced to rule in favor of the parent which was denied parenting time, excepting other reasons.

I agree that such behavior would be seen as alienation.

What does the court do when it finds for parental alienation by one parent?

According to my attorney, no judge would even listen to a religious argument. What each parent does on their own visitation time is their business, as long as it's a legal activity. So if you want to pack up the kids and go to an anti-mormon rally, go right ahead - you're well within your legal rights.

If a parent is found to be actively trying to destroy the bond between the child and the other parent, a judge can do several things. He/she can order a change giving more time to the other parent. The judge can rule the aggrieving parent is in contempt of court and issue fines. In extreme cases, he/she can order a change in custody from one parent to the other. The courts feel that keeping a child from having an ongoing healthy relationship with either parent is akin to child abuse. The psychological damage can last a lifetime.

By the way, where do you live? If you live in Utah or along the mormon corridor you might want to consider how you go about approaching religious issues in a predominantly mormon environment. Obviously religious beliefs should have no affect on your access to your kids. But if you live in an area with lots of mormons it's something for you and your lawyer to keep in mind as you plan your strategy.

So let me get this straight...you had your children for visitation and chose to take them to an anti-Mormon rally?? Really?? What, there were no restaurants, movie theaters or any place BETTER to take your kids??

Instead of trying to "one-up" your ex and putting your kids in the middle between you and her, how about concentrating on YOUR time with them and being a good parent? Be an example. Show them that it is possible to be a good person and live a happy fulfilling life without the influence of the church. By doing so, they will approach YOU with questions. Let them get a "different perspective" from YOU, not from dragging them to ex-mo activities.

As far as your rights, I would imagine your visitation has been established by the court. I would also bet that you can do anything you want during your time with them, just as your ex can during her time.

Make your time with them count. And one little suggestion that worked for me, when you have them on a Sunday, instead of taking them to church, make that the most fun day of your time with them.

Good luck.

The original poster took the kids to some exmormon activities. the EX called it an exmormon RALLY, probably to make it sound kind of ridiculous.

Frankly, I've been out of the church for a long time, and I've been to some exmormon conferences and support groups but I've never heard of an exmormon rally. I highly doubt she took her kids to the conference or support group, because those are adult only activities. Of course, she can correct me if I'm wrong.

Most exmo family gatherings I've been to were hikes, family parties, picnics, and other activities. Conversations about the church at those activities is mostly between adults, and the kids go play.

To the original poster: I think your ex is trying to intimidate you into going along with his wishes for the kids. The court decides the visitation, not him. I would say as little as possible to him about this, but perhaps even just have your lawyer draft him a letter telling that if he intends to violate court-ordered visitation, you'll see him in court.

Lastly, I would try not to directly bash Mormonism. If you want to go to an exmormon social, do it, but make it more about socializing and less about Mormonism. Let the kids talk freely about their true feelings about church and encourage critical evaluation of beliefs, but I wouldn't be peppering them with damaging facts, unless they bring stuff up. Don't pit them against their dad, but don't cow tow to him, either.

And perhaps you can mitigate the harsh perfectionism that Mormonism inflicts on them.

Go to court and fight for the time to see your kids. If you live in UT, look at UT statute 30-5-35 which totally spells out how the time is split between the parents. You can always go for more but they can't give you less unless a judge says so. FIGHT for your right to have time with your kids. Overall, THEY will see who is the 'sane" parent and who isn't. Good luck!