The last time I set foot in a church building was the spring of 2005 - going on 8 years now. I was a member of the church for around a year and a half - I have officially been an "inactive" member/don't consider myself to be a member longer than I was a member (by quite a few years in fact). Originally, I had planned on resigning my membership shortly after leaving, but for whatever reason I decided not to. After a month or so, a cease-fire agreement was reached between me and the church - I would be inactive and let them claim me as a number as long as I was put on the "Super Secret Code Red 'Do Not Contact'" list for all matters church-related. I know this sounds odd, but even though I have absolutely no love whatsoever for LDS, Inc. as a whole, I am genuinely fond of the members of the local ward - I was never mistreated (other than the petty gossip, which is to be expected in Mormon culture) and was genuinely missed when I stopped going.

However, from monitoring facebook, I can see there has been a fairly large turn-over in membership since I've left. Most of the people that I knew have moved away and been replaced by Utard transplants, and most of the leaders have been released from their callings and been replaced by...well, Utard transplants. As far as I know, there are only a small handful of people left in the church that I actually now.

Now a bit of background information: I've had a TERRIBLE past 4 days, so my mood is fairly sour right now. Another bit of background information (relevant to the story) after getting a job back in Michigan, I've been living at home with my mom (no, not in the basement - feel free to make jabs, though, I don't mind). Tonight, after I got done butchering dinner, my mom's cell phone (the number used to be our house's land line) rang. She didn't recognize the number, so she let it ring. After a few minutes, she tells me to listen to the voicemail message, which she simply describes as "the weirdest message I've ever heard."

The message was from a very nervous sounding guy, introducing himself as my home teacher, asking if I would call back to set up a time for a visit. My exit from the church could best be described as "passive" - I did everything I could to avoid contact and confrontation and just laid low. Not wanting to repeat the several months of dodging phone calls, I got up the nerve and called him back (stupid that I'd have to get up the nerve - his message suggested he would be more nervous than I would be).

I decided to play dumb when he answered - I introduced myself and simply said "I had a message to call someone at this number." The following conversation unfolded:

HT: Oh, um...yes...this is, uh, Brother HT, your home teacher from church...
ME: (Again playing dumb) What church? I'm Episcopalian, but I've never heard of home teachers.
HT: Uhhh....The CHURCH of JESUS CHRIST...of Latter-day Saints... (I sort of chuckled, because it sounded like he was trying to go for the Gordon Hinckley cadence when he said the churches name, but his nerves got the best of him)
ME: I haven't been a member of that church for years. Look, I really appreciate the call, but I honestly have no intention of ever going back to your church. No disrespect to you, mate, but could you just take my name off your contact list?
HT: Oh...well, uh, I'll talk to someone about that...
ME: Really no need to talk to anyone about it, but thanks. Have a great night.

At this point, I figure the matter is closed. 15 minutes later another call to my mom's cell - no one introduces themselves, just says that it's urgent that I call them back. I call back, only to find myself talking to my OTHER home teacher (this one with a fairly thick Utard accent).

OTH: Brother Sparty, this is Brother OTH, your home teacher. Brother HT called me and said we have a problem.
ME: I didn't have a problem until now. Look, I told HT that I don't want to be contacted and it hasn't even taken the church 15 minutes to ignore that request.
OTH: Well, Brother Sparty, I'm sorry you feel offended. But it is really important that we talk to you - we've really missed you at church.
ME: (by now I'm properly irritated) Look, mate, for starters, don't call me "brother" - it makes you sound weird. Second, you and I have never met - I find it hard to believe that you could possibly "miss me" at church. And even if you DID, I don't miss going to your church.
OTH: Well in case you've forgotten, it's your church, too. You made some pretty serious covenants with God.
ME: Oh, the nifty priesthood certificate you gave me. Yeah, that actually looks pretty cool framed next to my Certificate of being a Knight of the Realm of the Sovereign Principality of Sealand (real country, look it up!)(I lied, I have no intention of framing that chinsey certificate from LDS, Inc. - let alone cheap up my certificate of Knighthood by hanging that next to it!)
We went back and forth for a while, but I let him know that if I was contacted again by ANYONE from the church in any sort of churchy capacity, I'd have to notify the authorities and the media that a church that I haven't attended in close to 10 years is harassing me. Sad to say, I don't think he much cares for me. Too bad, too...the first guy seemed properly nice - like someone I wouldn't mind being friends with. The second muppet, though...there was something about him that gave me permission to release the safety off my mouth and have a good verbal clash.

No doubt, there will be a couple missionaries at my door step tomorrow...I fully expect to have 2 or 3 teary testimonies recited to me by the end of the week. Let the games begin!

"Oh, the nifty priesthood certificate you gave me. Yeah, that actually looks pretty cool framed next to my Certificate of being a Knight of the Realm of the Sovereign Principality of Sealand"

Thanks, that made my whole day. Best response ever.

And I once purchased the Brooklyn Bridge. Shall I honor my obligation to pay off the mortgage on it?

Many years ago my three over-18 daughters and I wrote an exit letter and went through the proper (we thought) channels for all of us to resign. When we finally got the letter from SLC, only two of us were taken off the rolls, myself and the daughter still in high school. The two daughters in college were not taken off the rolls because they had not written to their "home" ward and stake, which were the ones for their college addresses. Give me a break.

So recently, after years of never having contact with anyone from the church (other than a couple of friends), and several moves to different states, one of those daughters decided to resign. She came to RfM and found that some people had success with writing an email. She used the somewhat form letter we've seen on RfM and concluded with the line that she wanted no further contact, only to confirm that her resignation had gone through.

Not only did they email her back and tell her she couldn't resign by email and she had to do the whole written-letter-to-bishop-and-stake-president routine for it to be official, but missionaries have been to her house THREE times!! To top it off, they left a note with her name and that of the other sister who is still on the rolls, and the two of them have never lived together since college.

She's pretty pissed, I must say. She called the stake, but no answer and no voicemail. She left a message on the ward machine, but how much do you want to bet they don't call her back? I'm wondering if it might be more fun to go visit on a Sunday after SM and hand her letter to the bishop personally.

Tell her to go to their next F&T meeting, walk up to the stand like she is going to recite her testimony, hand the bishop her resignation letter, and walk out without saying a word! I would go and be her moral support if she did that!

HA! I'll tell her that one. Although, Philadelphia may be a bit out of your way just to witness this, spectacular though it may be.

Good grief. They really are getting desperate.

Good for you in not letting them get the upper hand. They think they can throw their 'authority' around and you're supposed to be cowed by it.

And hey, I do live in my parents' basement. LOL

Yuri Christiansen. Husband assured them he didnt live at our house. I dont know if they will eventually figure out who lives at our house. Quasi amusing.

Sparty Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------



> OTH: Well in case you've forgotten, it's your
> church, too. You made some pretty serious
> covenants with God.

WHATIWOULDHAVESAID: "Yes I noticed that God wasn't keeping up on
his side of those covenants and I've since made a series of very
serious covenants with Satan. What is interesting is that Satan
has come through on his side of those covenants with flying
colors--very impressive."

+1

How/where'd you get that?

Google Roy Bates.

http://www.sealandgov.org/knighthood/knight

It was actually a gift, but keep in mind that it IS issued by a Sovereign Government, so even though it was bought (much like a doctorate from the Universal Life Church and Priesthood from LDS, Inc.), it is a legit title in the Principality. I'm a respected man within those tiny borders!

So,really, Sparty, I still don't get it. Why don't you just resign? Doesn't sound like it would be much drama in your life. Doesn't sound like you have that much invested. I get it with the BICs who have TBM spouses, kids, and parents. Did I miss something with your situation? I couldn't take the irritation

To be 100% honest with you? I have no idea. Once I fell off their radar, it really was just sort of like being resigned. They never bothered me, I never bothered them. I guess I've spent enough time in non-weird churches what people just assume that if a person hasn't been there in a long time, they just don't go there anymore. I have also spent quite a bit of time living "abroad" - first I lived in another part of the state for several years while I was in college (and for a year or so after) and after that I spent a few years in Ohio. I really haven't been NEAR anyone who might have known I was a member of the church at one time until I moved back home 6 months ago. I'm sure that resignation of membership will come soon enough, though.