So I've been a closet doubter for over 2 years now and seeing the overwhelming evidence that the Church is built on a foundation of fraud and lies, I can no longer see myself as a member of the church, or at least a true believer.

I'm at a point in life where I have a great job opportunity in another state, still in my twenties, not married and no kids. My concern is how to start a life without the church. I fit the mormon mold to a "T", good kid, byu grad, mission, don't drink/drugs, shoot, I'm still a virgin! The problem is I don't know how to step out and live life outside the church. My family expects it of me, my friends, etc. I actually still want to live to most of the standards of the church, but I just can't believe it anymore!

It feels like being in spiritual limbo, still living the gospel, yet not believing it anymore. Those in the church will judge me, and those outside think I'm crazy for not living a normal life. I just don't know where to start, and especially moving to a new place knowing absolutely nobody, not having the safety net of the church being there is really daunting. Who wouldn't want to have an assigned group of friends when you move to a new city?

Has anyone else just started clean slate in a new place? How did you transition to "normal living?"

A new place won't change anything, only you can. Physical distance is less important than emotional distance if you want to disentangle yourself from mormonism.

I suggest you start by acquiring some essential life-skills, like setting proper boundaries and maybe ask for professional help (a good life-coach should do the trick if there are no psychological problems). Setting boundaries towards your family, asserting yourself towards your parents and becoming an individual is what is usually achieved in puberty but being BIC myself I know that the necessary skills to do so are stifled by the way you experience puberty in the church (YM/YW/YA --> they are all designed to shut down the process of individualization) and by many TBM parents.

When I left the church I felt lacking and stupid in so many ways, but there's no need for that. People outside don't judge as harshly as people inside the church (and they NEVER ask whether you're a virgin or what kind of underwear you wear...).

Moving to a new city is scary and "assigned friends" might seem to ease the innitial shock - but you know from first-hand experience how shallow those "friendships" are. Better to find a group that has a common interest with you (sports, languages, music, whatever).

Good luck!

As you're moving for a new job, I'd say try and get involved with your new colleagues - if they go out to a bar after work go with them. Listen to what they commonly talk about, see if it sparks an interest.

This won't happen over night, and hopefully you won't end up in my situation where, when I moved somewhere completely new, we found out the house two doors down also had a new buyer - someone I knew from church. Not the very best 'fresh' start I wanted.

Ax

If you'd like, I could ask if he would like to email you with some tips. He's a friendly, low key kind of guy. Also, when you apply for a job, he freelances editing for individuals, and does a fabulous job.

His website is http://www.joshuayearsley.com

Uprooting yourself to a new city can be very hard at first, so expect that.

Every city has clubs for singles and various interest groups. Check Craigslist or your local newspaper. Community colleges have noncredit classes (i.e. cooking, etc.) where you can meet people. Join a neighborhood gym. Get out there and be social.

If you go out to a bar after work with your colleagues, nothing provents you from ordering a soda. Somewhere down the road you might want to try a beer, which is really mild, but don't worry about that for now.

Find nice people to date. Don't worry about sex. Say that you want to take your time getting to know someone.

If you are interested in a church community, try the UU's. You wouldn't need to join right away, there's no pressure. Just attend and get to know people.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 01/15/2013 05:36AM by summer.

Don't assume it will be a quick easy adjustment.

I was ready to live a solitary life for as long it would take and was pleased to be making new friends within weeks. Ridding myself of mormonism made room for people and activities I'd never experienced. It was scary but energizing and the best decision of my life.

Try phase out. Consider forwarding all your new mail to a P.O Box so the church can't track you down right away.

I move every one to two years with a government job and what I've learned is that whatever effort you make getting to know you neighbors is the relationship you'll have as long as you live there. So if you move in and introduct yourself as the newbie--you'll make a lot of potential friends off the bat. If you're standoffish--that's the way people will be with you the whole time you're there. You set the tone!!!

Next, the true gosple is NOT something you live. The true gosple is not a set of outward standards. Find youself a non-denominational church and learn how Christians really live. If you post the city you're moving to, I would be happy to find the churches that might work for you.

Hang in there!

Try other churches, preferably more liberal ones. It will give you some perspective, and you might meet some nice people.

Try to meet people who share your hobbies. Go to Meet Up.com and find groups.

You have to fill that social void where the Mormon Church once was. It will help you to see life outside the Mormon cubicle.

I had already left the church and my social circle was gone. I'd been planning on leaving for some time. Once I made it to the East Coast it was much easier. I just didn't reference my former church membership. Nobody asked, nobody cared. I worked a LOT. I live most of the expectations of the church still. I don't drink, smoke, very little soda and no coffee. I just told people I don't like it, which I don't. Outside of the Morridor most people really don't care. I think you'll find the emotional adjustment harder.

Well, for one, moving is a great time to resign your membership. Get to your new location, turn in your resignation, and possibly be contacted by a bishop who still doesn't know you. Otherwise, you will begin to have contact by people wanting to intercede on your behalf and draw you back in.

Find some books to help you coach your own life or get one of those life coaches. But make it an adventure so you don't bore yourself in the middle of what should be an exciting time. Stop wearing garments. Get a girlfriend (or boyfriend, whatever). Try the sex, for one thing. Try the coffee. Beer is good. Beer is the best. there is so much to do! It has the potential to be the most fun period in your life. Ask any old guy here on RfM if we would rather have quit the church at your age or at 59 (like SOME people I know).

You may want to consider resigning before you move. That way you won't have to have any kind of Mormon contact in your new place.

jcrew09 Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Those in the church will judge me, and those
> outside think I'm crazy for not living a normal
> life.


I'm a nevermo and I don't think you're crazy for not drinking and smoking, being good or being a virgin. Not one iota. To me you sound normal.

Though there can be peer and social pressures, there are a lot of people who don't drink, smoke, have sex, etc. What's 'normal' out in the non-mormon world encompasses a huge spectrum of behaviours and ideas.

Be yourself!

...you can never leave it alone according to many members.

Oh. And welcome to the offended sinner's club.

jcrew09 Wrote:

> Has anyone else just started clean slate in a new
> place? How did you transition to "normal living?"

I moved to a different town and "forgot" to transfer my records. Once I got to the new town I started to attend a different church (Unitarian Universalist) and got a better crop of friends to socialize with. All those "good things" about the LDS church can be found in most other churches also. It's nothing unique.

Do you have hobbies or sports that you like? Join a gym, join hobby groups, start a new hobby, volunteer somewhere. There's a psychological principle called "proximity fosters liking". Essentially, those you spend time with are those you make friends with. My best fiends in my ward are those I've served n callings with because I know them and they know me; we have shared experiences as well. It's a great chance for you to make a clean break outside Mormonism. Make a new circle of friends who like you for who you are, not for your religion.

The real question you should ask yourself is not "how to leave the church behind" but "how to move forward without the church?"

That answer is yours and yours alone, but it may helpful to think of the question more in those terms.

I guess my online advice is take your discovery slow and at a pace you are comfortable with - nothing wrong with that.

My general guide is try to avoid making choices that are harmful - harmful to yourself and others. As an added bonus, make choices that are helpful to yourself and others.

Finally work on overcoming the universal "inferiority complex" programming that the LDS church engenders. You don't need to be on a quest for perfection. Who you are is who you are and that's good enough. Now just decide what you want to do with your life based on who you are.

Best reply here.

A move is a most excellent time to make your break from the past. As one posted noted above, YOU set the tone. For everything. Take charge young man; it's all up to you! Man, I'm excited for you if you can't tell. You're doing what many of us wish we could have done at your age: See behind the curtain and stop living an artificial life.

Now it's time to breath the fresh air, take charge of your life, and quit worrying about what others think of you. You're a good person and you know it. That's all that counts!

As you make this transition, I have one piece of advice:
1) Forget about other churches - they offer the same mindscrew you just escaped. Unless you truly need to believe in supernatural, invisible beings, just take a break from that type thinking. If this experience hasn't taught you to do your research before signing on the dotted line, you're not paying attention. Most likely you had to sign at age 8, so you get a little slack on this one:)

Best of luck and enjoy the ride! I'm jealous.

Oh yeah, don't feel under any pressure to try anything right away. This isn't a race. Do what feels right to you and trust your gut! Coffee, tea and alcohol are overrated IMO. Sex on the other hand (with the right person) is way underrated. Take your time and find the right person for you; that doesn't necessarily mean wait until your honeymoon! NO, you owe it to yourself and any prospective mates to ensure you are compatible and flip each other's switches. Again, enjoy the ride!

Coffee is not overrated.

You have impinged my mistress' honor and I challenge you to a duel to the death.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 01/15/2013 03:37PM by bc.

Look in the mirror for a really long time and decide if you want to be open to all the truth and beauty that this world has to offer. Turn around and start walking and keep your eyes, your mind and your heart open. Stop measuring everything against some false ideal as we all did as Mormons.

Dig deep and dump the BIC handicap. There is a lot of amazing stuff to miss out on. A lot.

Leaving the LDS church behind is more to do with your state of mind then your physical location. While moving will give you a CHANCE for a clean start, it won't happen as long as you're trapped in the mormon mindset.

In a new city you won't have to worry about friends or family looking over your shoulder so use it as a chance to explore. Try new things and see how you like them. Stop worrying about what other people would think if they saw you. Work on being true to yourself.

I found moving to be an enormous help in getting out.

Many years ago I had the opportunity to transfer to a new, slightly better, job across the country. It would have been almost impossible for me to leave the Church under my conditions at the time. Among other considerations, I was on the HC. SP and bishop knew how I felt about the Church.

After moving, I simply refused to accept any priesthood callings in my new ward. It was relatively easy, since the new local leaders had no particular expectations. It was quite hard on my TBM wife, but she already knew where I stood.

Changes in environment can facilitate changes in life patterns.

Wow, my first time posting on this site, and can't believe the outpouring of support! It's a breath of fresh air knowing there are others out there going through what I'm dealing with.

My new job actually allows me to move pretty much anywhere in the country. Any suggestions where to make a new start for a young professional?

You're a young, single professional in your 20s? The sky is the limit!

If you like the outdoors, then I'd recommend that you look at the Western US. You can live in or near a big city like LA, Denver or San Francisco, but still be close to the mountains/beach/whatever it is that you like.

If you're more of a music/arts fiend, then come East! Chicago, New York or Boston would be wonderful for someone in your situation.

And if you're not a city person, every city on this list has suburbs and small towns that are livable.

Pick a cool metropolitan area to start. You can always move later to the 'burbs or rural areas if you wish. And this is coming from a farm boy...

The diversity of people you meet will open your eyes to new cultures, food, music and entertainment. A city attracts bright minds and people like yourself looking for something new. So you will meet many young, freshly-minted professionals like yourself - your built in family is still there!

Do a lot of research. In my experience, every city, town and village offers something if you're willing to find it. The world is truly your oyster kid - don't just look in North America if overseas travel is of any interest. Throw down in the middle of Europe for one year and make it a goal to visit every country before you leave. Man, I wish I were in your shoes!



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 01/15/2013 03:30PM by iflewover.

What I did:

Make a list of all the things you like about where you live. Make another list of all the things you hate about where you live.

Do you like warm weather? How warm? Look at only cities that offer the climate you like.

Do you like music, arts, theater? Look for cities that have a great music/art/theater scene.

Do you love large cities? How large? Look at only cities at least as large as [insert your preference here].

Example:
I love hot weather, I hate snow, love great music and must live within two hours of an ocean, any ocean. That narrowed my choices down to anything along I-10 or points south. I can't stand small towns, but large cities are more expensive to live in. I decided it had to be at least 50,000 population, but not over 1 million. If there wasn't a great art/music scene, then the city had to offer at least one major four-year university because where there's universities, there's music, art, and theater.

My short list was New Orleans, Austin, Tampa. NOLA is swampy and beaches are far away. Austin has a great music scene but way too far from the sea. Tampa doesn't really have a great 4-year school or a very good music/art/theater scene. I ended up in a smaller city in the Florida Panhandle and what I don't have here, I can drive to in four hours or less.

You may not have enough life experience to go through this process, but think in general terms to narrow your choices. Note: You do not have to stay in this country if you don't want to. Remember, you can go anywhere in the WORLD. Keep an open mind and consider everything.

Personally, I'd pick either Dallas or Atlanta. Both are mega corporate centers with tons of interesting things and people.

Other "cool" places I would seriously consider: Austin and Denver.

Chicago is beautiful! My advice: when you are put in an unfamiliar/uncomfortable situation, stop in your tracks. Ask yourself if you feel the way you are feeling because of what the church has taught you, or if it's something you are genuinely uncomfortable with because of who you are deep down inside. If someone asks you to go to a local bar for social hour, just ask yourself if there is really anything wrong with that. Same goes for girls, sex, clothing.... If a hot girl is wearing a cute bikini, appreciate it vs. Passing judgement. You will have to re-train your brain in every way. But trust me, Chicago is the best :)

Just pretend you are in the protected identity program and go start brand new doing whatever you like - just stay away from the mormons. Whatever you do, don't tell anyone you used to be mormon, cuz they will know someone who knows someone and POOF, you'll have missionaries knocking down your door.

It has been hard for me to make the transition from a social aspect. I feel somewhat isolated and alone. I have mainly tried going to meetup groups. I have been seriously considering trying out the UU church but haven't gotten around to it yet. I had some nice discussions with people and I have made a couple new friends. I am an introvert so it is hard work to do this kind of thing but I am just taking it slow. As far as living church standards I have made a few changes but others I have kept. The best part of being a non believer is you are free to make your own choices based on your own preferences not on what 15 men in Salt Lake have revealed that God wants you to do. I started drinking green tea because I discovered I really like it and it seems to be beneficial to my health. I haven't taken up coffee because I don't like it. I have tried alcohol but don't drink it regularly. I will probably continue to experiment with it more with time at least on social occasions. There might be some non-mormons who think it is "weird" that you don't drink but most people don't really care what you do. In the real world people aren't watching your every move like they are in Mormonism. Sex is a whole other story and I am not even sure how to deal with it. The church really screws you up in that area but I have hope that with just time alone I will heal.

Hang in there friend and keep hitting the MeetUp groups. I know it's hard for introverts to put themselves out there, but it really is the only way you'll find companionship.

Have you tried online dating? You can be right upfront about being an introvert, so whoever calls won't be surprised if you come off a little shy on the first few dates. They will know you're not being stand-offish or not interested in return.

Anyway, something in your post spoke to me just now and just wanted to let you know there are plenty of avenues to meet people, but you most likely are going to have to push yourself out of your comfort zone.

I'm an extrovert and I've never had anyone knock on my door to ask me out. The more you are out there, the better your chances!

I'm not a Mormon (I read only "official" material, and amazingly I never came to know "the church is true"...amazing, but I digress). I'm married to a non-practicing (mostly) Mormon. While she SAID she wasn't interested in Mormonism, she never resigned (didn't want to upset the TBM family).

We've been married 20 years. For 15 of that, I was in the military, so we moved on average every 18-24 months. She never went to church, but sometimes, even when we were at places as short as 6 months..."They" found us...I used to find it fun bringing up the issues like you read here, now it's just painful... but again, I digress. Point is we never escaped Morg notice.

Yes, I'm sure it was my in-laws who made sure they didn't lose track of us. If your family is TBM, I can't see TSCC losing track of you. Is it possible for you to resign without your parents finding out? (I don't know...the folks here are far better equipped to answer).

Can't give you much advice on the other stuff...the folks here are so nice and so supportive...they seem to have advised you well. As an outsider with TBM family, I've seen what a destructive organization the Morg is...seen non-Mo and "not temple-worthy" family have to sit outside the Morg temple and miss a wedding. Watched people "try a little harder to be a little better..." and "lengthen their stride." To me, the outsider, it looks like a treadmill that won't stop unless you jump off. And they lived no better, no more moral lives than my regular Christian and unreligious family. Reading this forum helps me deal with the toxicity that bleeds off of my inlaws onto me and my family. Best of luck and best wishes to you. I'm rooting for you.

Just FYI -

Active Mormons attend tithing settlement each year. Part of what happens when you attend tithing settlement is they print out your membership record and have you review it for accuracy.

The record includes things like your birth-date, address, as well as the date of any ordinances - e.g. baptism, receiving the priesthood, temple endowment.

It also includes a list of all of your children, their birth dates and their baptism date (actually confirmation date, but same thing).

When a child resigns from the church, the confirmation date is blanked out on the parents' record. So a parent is likely to notice this when reviewing their membership record. So if you don't tell your parents you risk them finding out via the membership records.

When I finished up at USU I moved to Los Angeles where I knew exactly two people out of millions. I went to the singles ward there for a few months, then I landed a job in Newport Beach. I knew absolutely no one there except coworkers, so I went to church for a while there, too. I even moved in with three LDS roommates. When one of them moved out to get married, we each went our separate ways, and I waved the church goodbye. By then I had actual friends at work. Since Southern California is such a stew of people, I was able to find a lifestyle that fit me. It didn't require partying, drugs, drinking or sex. (Well, the sex part eventually happened. Hurray!) The biggest thing was that I figured out who I really was once no one else was telling me who I should be. And it turned out I was perfectly alright.

I think we grow when we head off into a new phase of life without social connections, without a familiar environment, without knowing all the rules or customs. It makes us stretch, it forces us out of ruts and assumptions. Staying semi-active in the LDS church sort of eased my transition, but I still did it on my terms. If there hadn't been a particular girl I had the hots for, I would have put it behind me a few months sooner.