So, I've officially resigned from the Mormon church since 2008. Since then, it's been a bit of a crazy ride. I do hope people can take this thread seriously, I am not a disguised Mormon trying to turn heads or whatever, this is my story, there's a lot of shame and embarrassment to it.

Let me give you a picture here. Right now, I'm 23. Growing up (in the Mormon church with a Mormon family), when I was really little I was a more athletic kid but a very mean, short fused person. My parents put me into therapy which helped, and we ended up moving to a small town where the only academic option there was football vs gymnastics.

Moving to this new, very small, Mormon majority town (Monticello), things changed. I was still a bit violent, picking fights when I could, but ultimately that kind of behavior stopped. Without a true outlet, I pined for some sanity from the outside world and to be away from the small town bullshit. I started turning to the Internet, trawling forums, chat boards, trying to find people I had a common interest in.

I also started getting into video games. My dad brought home a Nintendo 64 with a copy of The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time one day. Before that, we had our SNES and a few platformers here and there, I could still balance myself from going outside to play and video gaming. This game changed me (unfortunately) - I was immediately sucked into it's world. I couldn't read very well at that point, but this game made it my priority to enhance my ability to read. I managed to save enough money for a Playstation and started investing time into games like Final Fantasy VII through IX, Legend of Dragoon, and more.

It was really all I could do to start escaping the mental prison of growing up in such a town. I would be teased relentlessly about liking Zelda, being called a @#$%&. What did they know? I wasn't one of them.

My game collection grew in high school, as did the separation from my peers. I couldn't find anyone to relate to, trying desperately to belong to the others that didn't seem to belong themselves. They had their reasons to hate me, and I had mine to hate them. We all knew our place.

That started to change. My dad was the principal at the time, which in itself stops you from doing half the shit you want to do ("Smoke weed today? Potentially ruin my dad's career? Nah, I shouldn't"), but also keeps a lot of eyes on your family. It wasn't bad enough that I said "Fuck you" to seminary (it was this time that I had my doubts in the church), because the next thing I know my parents are on a potential divorce. I was the oldest kid at the time with three younger siblings. They hadn't any idea what was happening until my parents announced it (toward the end of the ordeal) - I got to be right in the middle of my fathers drunken crying, their arguing, and me shielding it all from them. There was a point where my father was gone for days, until finally calling home to tell us he had been considering suicide.

So, my mother convinces him to come back, and I assure him that I'd love him no matter what. He had the idea that he could just start over in a town an hour away and my mother could stay there. This is something that will never leave me - at the age of 16, I was forced into a situation where I had to join my father. Because, for fucks sake, he was just out contemplating suicide. My mother tells me, "Fine, go with him. I guess you love him more". These days, they are together and I love them all... But it's something like that that doesn't leave you.

Our family did end up moving to that town an hour away. I remember the last day of school that year, all the kids who had made my life a living hell telling me how much they'd miss me and how funny and great I was. They didn't know me. I wish I still had my fighting spirit at that point, and I'm surprised (given the events prior) I didn't snap.

We move to this town. I don't know the rules. I just want to finish out the last two years of high school. I do it completely alone, not knowing anyone, and people wondering why I never seemed happy, why I didn't talk to anyone, why I never smiled. The last two years of high school are a blur outside of some classes because I literally did nothing outside of be dragged into a promenade (and promptly leaving once the dancing was done). All I could feel was hate.

I graduate. I keep playing video games. I try college, get a loan, and keep playing video games. I try to ignore my room mates outright because they are either uber Mormon or into heavy drugs. I keep playing video games until I drop out.

I live with my Mormon grandmother for 2 years in Brigham City doing a trade school. She cannot respect my personal space, constantly worries about where I am (even though I'm 20 god damn years old at this point), and shares her testimony constantly. "Just get through this, just get through this".

At this point I actually did meet a girl. We fucked a few times. I thought we were in love, but apparently not because she dumps me. All the trips from school (Ogden) to home (Brigham) to her (Logan), guess they didn't fucking mean shit. Like me.

I finish the trade school. I immediately get a job at Unisys in Salt Lake City doing a graveyard shift with 13 different companies for tech support. I feel like I'm finally going somewhere, living without too much support from my parents. I finally feel liberated.

Within the first month of living with high school acquaintances on Sugar House, I have to call the police on a room mate threatening suicide. During this month I start picking doing marijuana with the room mates to try and socialize and not be completely alone.

I take up a Craigslist offer in Murray to live in a family's home, in their basement. One time, while driving to work, it wasn't too long but it felt like slow motion to me - on the freeway, where it starts to rise, I saw a man get out of his car, climb over the guard rail, and disappear. One time while driving home, I was in a left turning lane - a car to the lane on my right slams into the car in front of it, and I (not meaning to) saw the aftermath. My boss was in a very sad mood one day, telling me about how his friend recently killed himself. A room mate in the basement one day tried to commit suicide with alcohol and sleeping pills, after which we all had a month to move out (I don't blame that family). I don't know. I just don't know what the fuck anymore at this point.

There is another acquaintance from high school who recently moved up a few blocks from where I was and was looking for room mates. Very convenient. We started the weed again, and I started drinking. It seemed like there was a party just about every night while I was gone. I wasn't liking my job, as the company decided to fuck us as hard as they could. I wanted to start my drug journey with some mushrooms a work colleague sold me - he didn't bother to tell me they were acidic.

I tripped hard that night. I was convinced that my room mate, who was known to show off his shot gun while drunk, had killed everyone at the party and I cried in my room, quietly begging for my life. I don't remember all of the details, but I woke up with both eyes red in different spots, like I had burst veins. I couldn't do it anymore. I realized this whole time that my fixation on death was me wanting to kill myself.

I end up moving back in the with parents. It's been about a year now, I've been invited every often to either partake in drugs or with the singles ward. I don't have the huge urge to kill myself like before, but it still comes up (like tonight). I don't act on it.

All I feel is shame. I feel like I can't go outside anymore. I'm addicted to Internet forums, and, sadly, pornography. I know there is more to love than sex but I feel like I've confined myself to this position where hopefully I'll have a heart attack in two years and die.

I'm still in Utah. I can't find a middle ground here. Either people want you to join the church and immediately become disappointed in you for not going on a Mission and never being good enough, or want you to get in on their next high. I don't want to go outside anyway because I am ashamed of my body and how it's gotten to this point. I don't want to play video games anymore - I have this stupid collection and I really only hop online to play one these days.

I just want to feel love again. I want to have a place to exercise without being judged. I don't want to depend on drinking soda every day because "it makes me feel better", when I know deep down it's just killing me quicker. I don't have money, and my parents seem keen on making sure I'm full with extra helpings.

I can't do this anymore but I don't know what to do. I've never left Utah and whenever I bring up the fact that I want to go, people keep telling me it's such a biiiig and scaaaary world out there (THEY HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA ABOUT THEIR OWN BACK YARD, THEY'VE NEVER BEEN TO ROSE PARK) and how sad they'd be to see me go when I know I'd be happier out there. I know moving wouldn't immediately solve every problem but there just seems to be more potential there than either working up in the Mormon club or the street club.

I just need help.

tl;dr: I'm a fat 23 year old who is socially unacceptable / unappealing and cannot seem to join back into society. I want to move out of state but am too ashamed to even leave my room.

There is a whole world outside the church, and outside Utah! Find a non-mormon mental health therapist today! Depression is treatable--it is a biochemical disease. You have been immobilized by your depression and by the critical, stifling mormon culture. Please, get help today!

You can do this. One foot ahead of the other. With hugs and all my wishes for success.

The 20's can be a very difficult stage of life. I know that this is not what our popular culture would have you believe. In ads and everywhere else you see pictures of 20-somethings having a blast. And at times you do. But there can also be a lot of angst that goes along with it.

Things will get better for you over time. Focus on earning a good living at something you enjoy or can at least tolerate. Earning good money will help you get to where you want to go. If your current tech specialty isn't working for you, go back to school to get additional skills. Sometimes school is easier once you are a bit older.

I think that you should definitely strike out on your own when the time is right. There are many appealing places to live -- Colorado, California, Oregon, and Washington state, to name a few. I think that leaving Utah would be mentally refreshing for you.

Good luck to you. Please let us know how things progress.

I'm really sorry you are in such a low place but very happy to hear that you haven't given up on things getting better.

Have you talked to a doctor to determine if you are depressed? It could be a brain-chemical depression that requires medication or it could be situational depression that may need medication for a short time. I'd rule that out because depression is a cruel, vicious b!+ch that does not go away by pulling yourself up by your bootstraps or thinking positive. It is a medical condition. I'd also have your doctor give you the go-ahead to exercise.

Exercise will help with your body image, mood, and sense of well-being as well as help you slim down. You can exercise in your room with your computer. I just searched for "exercise videos" on YouTube and a whole bunch of results came up. One on the first page even had real people (meaning not a hired class of actors/dancers who have rehearsed to perform the routine perfectly) doing a class. I saw a Jillian Michaels, an "Insanity" class, a bootcamp, and others on the first page. You will have to vet them. It could be a way to "join a class" without worrying about being judged. Once you start feeling more confident, you can try a class in the real world if you want. If you can only do 5 or 10 minutes to start, it's 5 or 10 minutes more than you've been doing. That's improvement. Just keep doing the 5-10 minutes every day (or a few times a day) to build strength and stamina and pretty soon you'll be doing 15 minutes, then 30 minutes, then an hour.

If that doesn't appeal to you, put your Playstation or Wii (or whatever you have) to good use by trying one of the many exercise games they have for those platforms. If you're not sure what appeals to you, rent one through Netflix or Blockbuster Online (or whichever services rent video games). If you find one you like a lot and can afford it, buy it.

Once you are feeling confident enough, you can try activities outside your house, but for now, just get moving (as long as the doc say it's okay).

I have a nephew who was an athlete in HS and continued to be active once he graduated, but he picked up a "Big Gulp" soda habit. He packed on 30 pounds in a pretty short amount of time. He dropped the habit and dropped the pounds. It's hard when the soda is your security blanket (of sorts) that soothes you when you're feeling down, but it's stabbing you in the back. BAD security blanket. Bad, bad. Diet soda isn't much better, but it might help you wean yourself off soda. Some people can go cold turkey, but if that doesn't work for you, just cut down to one a day, then one every other day, then one a few times a week, etc., until you stop drinking it. All that carbonation makes most people bloated and gassy. You will feel so much better off of it. I kicked a Diet Coke addiction about 5 years ago and drinking Coke or Diet Coke tastes like sweetened tar now. Have you tried tea or herbal tea? Even if you don't like it hot, it's tasty cold, imo.

You might find a site that is for people losing weight and getting fit. You can be anonymous but keep yourself accountable. Use your Internet addiction ;) to help you attain the life you want.

You are young, although I'm sure it doesn't feel that young to you, but when you are 40, you'll look back and say, "Damn, I waaaaas sooooooo young."

You have been through a lot. Small-town-living often does not suit creative types who usually have a harder time marching lock-step with the group. There is nothing wrong with you for being different than your peers. You must be a thoughtful person to have been aware of how your actions as a teenager could hurt your dad's career. That would never occur to many kids.

I'm rooting for you and hope you will check in often and let us know how you're doing. A lot of us here know what it's like to be different than our peers. In fact, most of us weren't very well suited to hive-living or we wouldn't be here.

Good luck! You CAN do this.

*hugs*

First of all, you made me cry a little. Because I can really identify with what you're going through. I know what it feels like to be depressed and just utterly lost.

You took a HUGE step in asking for help. I admire you.

Edit: I accidentally posted before I was done. Here's the rest of what I was going to say:

I'm also struggling with my weight. I have been all my life. I'm 22 and I've never known what it's like to have a guy think I'm attractive. So I really understand that part of your struggle, too.

I'm not very good at offering advice but I want you to know that you're not alone.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 01/25/2013 06:56AM by ariel22.

My heart goes out to you. I remember being 23 and feeling alone, and like my life was going nowhere. Strugging with my weight. Feeling like everybody else's life was turning out better than mine. A good therapist will do you a world of good. My life is so much better now. It does get better. I'm pushing 50 and reasonably happy. I take care of myself, which includes taking antidepressants, because of the side effects of blood pressure medication. I say all this to say it can and does get better and don't be afraid or ashamed to get the help that you need. I do believe very much in God and don't know how I would have made it without Him. But you don't need religious oppression, guilt, and legalism. Good luck to you, and know that prayers and good thoughts are coming your way.

Sorry to butt in,what do blood pressure meds and antidepressants
have to do with each other?

a possible side affect of some blood presure med is depression.

ace inhibitors

From small town UT also. I moved out of Mormonism in my mid to late 20s too. Left UT about 30.

Went through the isolation too.

Found myself recreating Mormonism's social scene, although unconciously until someone pointed it out to me. Found some small groups centered around non-Mormon religions, went to a blissfully non-smoothering non-Mormon church. Although I don't do much of any of those things now.

I've found this website helpful
https://www.superbetter.com/

Someone posted a self-help web site from Australia which looked good but I can't find it now, should have book marked it. I hope the person who posted it will put it up again.

Oh, I saw a therapist.

Good luck.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 01/25/2013 09:30AM by lulu.

I think the site you are thinking of in Australia might be moodgym. Someone posted it here a few months back and I used it. I would definitely recommend it to the OP. It is free so you have nothing to lose.

Sounds more to me like a case of autism. I would go see a doctor, and get a proper diagnosis, instead of something the church or a bishop would tell you.

I read your post and I thought - I like this guy. It sounds like there are some rough things you are dealing with, but, and this may sound crazy, it sounds like you're at an exciting fork in the road. If you're willing to email or talk to me let me know and I'll share my email.

Either way, I want to hear how you're doing.

He is age 27 (and Zelda and Final Fantasy are his gods) and his marriage/divorce to his long-time girlfriend just put him a bigger hole. He lives in his now girlfriend's father's basement (he was going NUTS here).

Your story runs a lot like his. There really does seem to be ONLY an either/or in Utah.

My sister has given him an opportunity to get out of Utah, but he I believe is afraid to go. He talks about going all the time, but doesn't.

I would like him to go to Alaska to work for the summer where his twin sister works, but I think he is too afraid.

If you want me to ask my daughter about how you apply to work in Alaska this summer, let me know. E-mail me at colleen84319 at yahoo.com

There are a lot of Utah kids who go up there to work--to get away from Utah. She is TBM, but most are not.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 01/25/2013 12:25PM by cl2.

I've suffered from depression throughout my life. It's a nightmare and makes me feel crazy...and for me it turns me into a paranoid person. Everyone is different.

Please talk to a doctor and get yourself taken care of. Even in Utah there's plenty of no-mo stuff you can do. I've grown to love Utah (I'm from Nevada). Whether or not you get out of Utah, there is a happier "place" for you.

I hope you get what you need to find happiness.

Oh, after discovering the right depression medication I lost 60 pounds. I was able to say "no" to sugar and fat suddenly. It was awesome. That's no guarantee to anyone else, but it helped me.

At 23 my son was in your place. His dad had died when he was in elementary school and he battled depression for a long time. He also had learning disabilities (the schools were no help) and ended up dropping out of high school. He did get his GED at 18. He was also into multi-player games (World of Warcraft). He had no friends and even his brother had pretty much given up.

He tried working for a few years, but eventually the depression worsened. He tried to commit suicide once and was hospitalized twice. He enrolled in community college but seriously floundered, often failing his courses. Then one day a fire department captain came to his class and asked if anyone wanted to have a ride-along. He went and was hooked. And I cannot tell you the difference it made in his life.

Signing up wasn't a breeze. He needed a physical and a fingerprint check. Two references. But he was open about his depression and they didn't care (I think they requested a letter from his doctor which was no problem). Even the references were easy to come by -- an old teacher, etc.

Now he is 27 and his life is so different. He volunteers for one 18 hour shift as an EMT each week. He's made good friends of many different ages who respect him for the work he does with them. They encourage and support him.

Through another volunteer, he got a job as a driver and EMT with a private ambulance company which, while they pay isn't great, they are flexible with his school schedule.

He is working toward a degree in a medical related field, which has a growing market, and there are lots of jobs (x-ray technician, ultrasound technician, etc.).


He has friends his age to visit a club or a bar with, have a couple of beers (and try to pick up girls). Like him, they work, volunteer and go to school, so while they like to party, they don't have time to party too much or too hard.

He recently met a really great girl. He stills plays an occasional computer game, but basically -- he's too busy.

Within two years, he was off his depression meds. If you'd asked me four years ago if this day would ever come, I would have said no. Certainly not this fast.

I'm not suggesting you have to try the fire department, but there are a lot of volunteering opportunities out there. It may be that if you have a relative in a larger town you could stay with that you would have more options.

I guess I would recommend finding a doctor, if you can swing it, to help with your depression. My son is living proof that not everybody will view taking anti-depressants (and more serious meds) as a no-no.

And a final note: You will be AMAZED at how other people view a history of volunteering. My son needed a car loan recently, and even though his work history was a little weird, once they heard he had three years volunteering with the fire department they were like, "Oh! That's great! That's just as good -- that's all we need!"

I totally agree. I think volunteering is one of the best treatments for depression. I volunteer at the local food bank and really enjoy it. I am planning to do it more often now since I just quit my job.

You will meet more nice people like yourself. Whether or not you end up socializing away from the volunteering, they are usually good people to work alongside of.

You will realize what good work you are capable of, in case you've lost track of that.

You will realize what a conscientious and reliable person you are. You might have lost sight of these traits in yourself. Depression screws up your self image.

A volunteer job will give you a purpose x number of days a week for a couple of hours. Helps to structure your day.

Your brain will take notice that you are up and doing. You will probably feel somewhat better really soon.

The 20's are tough and depression is really tough. The Feeling Good Handbook by ~ Burns will help you along. Sorry you are surrounded by mormons.

To volunteer at a variety of national parks:
http://www.volunteer.gov/gov/

Guy I know volunteers at some park in the midwest (out of state for him) for six weeks every summer. Lives in free shared housing; one roommate. He is into astronomy and it is a major park for people who want to look at the sky. You might care more about wildlife or just being outdoors. It's all good.

There might be something local to you.. environmentalist orgs are always counting snakes or something. What great people to be around.

For social service type volunteering:
http://www.voa.org/Network_of_Services
VOA says it is "spirtually based". It probably isn't as bad as it sounds. I shouldn't think they would be on your back.

I am so sorry you are going through this but know that a lot of people your age are in the same boat. I am a couple years older than you and my experience has been very different than yours but I still feel like I am in a similar place to you right now. It is really hard work to get started in life and find a career that you like but that is the work we have to do at this age. Most of my friends from college are struggling with this in one way or another right now. I know how hard it is to date especially when you aren't happy with how you look. Most of the time I feel like I will be alone for the rest of my life. Sometimes I get depressed about that and sometimes it doesn't bother me but I hardly ever feel like there is any hope I will ever have a relationship. I am obviously not the best person to give you any advice in that area. One thing I do is attend some meetup groups and at least make some new acquaintances and be somewhat social. It is hard to get the motivation to go most of the time but once you are there it is usually an enjoyable time. I have made a couple new friends that way. There are probably some meetups for people that like video games or other interests you have in your area. Give a few a try and you might find the kind of crowd you are looking for.

When I was your age, I felt the same way. I was out of the church but still felt aimless. I got out of the state by applying to work at Yellowstone National Park. I was there for 3 summers. I still came home to my mothers house but it made me feel free and see another world, people and possibilities on what my life could be.

I'm 23 and I live in Utah.

I promise you that there is a crowd of people our age who enjoy more than going to church or wanting you to join in on their next high.

You need to find an activity that you love. You also need to love yourself. You sound like an amazing person, hang in there. Find a new environment and something that just makes you happy to be yourself.

Someone once told me to write a note saying, "I love myself." Put it somewhere you will see it everyday and say it to yourself twice a day. It really works, I promise.

Hang in there and post as much as you want. This stage of our life is hard, but together we can get through it :)

It is obvious you are a very talented young man.

Living here on Planet Earth can Suck big time.

All of us here are pulling for you.

All my best to you,

Breedum

Please listen to the others who have posted here. Don't give up and don't think Utah is the be-all and end-all for places to live. The world outside the Moridor is beautiful and amazing. Hell, if you come here to the Northeast, there are hardly any Mormons and people are liberal and accepting. If you want to come out this way, email me! Debs72@aol.com.

I'd like to thank you all for your kind words. I'm sorry I made that one woman cry, I didn't think I would do that to someone. My life isn't all bad for the most part but in general, yeah, it was kind of a train wreck. I think I'm going to start small, like trying to kick this caffeine addiction. I could quit smoking because I didn't have a job for months and I couldn't afford them... This one's going to be tough.

Thanks again.

Psychotropic recreational drugs can really bring out the issues buried deep. Those issues stick with you until you figure out how to resolve them. Believe me- been there, done that.

It sounds like you're caught in a common trap in Utah- It's easy to get stuck in, simply because you're either a sinner or a saint there. It seems like there is NO middle ground except for the one you need to plow.

Really, get some counseling. It helps to have an objective view. Surround yourself with healthy people until you are healthy enough to deal with the others who are hurting and possibly toxic.

You have had a very hard time. Sounds like your home life growing up was hell. It's a set up for depression. You're a good guy who needs a break. You got yourself an education and a job, although it isn't what you want. But it is a start.

I agree a good therapist would help if you can manage it. Given your history and situation some extra help would be good. If you don't mind, I can suggest a couple of things to do you can help yourself:

Do a Google search on mood tracking software and choose one you'd like to work with. Many of them are free. Choose one that will let you not only rate your mood but add a note to the rating. Then use it. Tracking moods and reasons for changes up or down will help you understand your depression and work your way out of it. I have used tracking software for myself in the past and it helps. Tracking helps you realize you have more control of your mood than your realize and that in itself is empowering.

Buy the workbook Mind Over Mood. It will help you identify thinking, behavior, and situations that trigger your depression and help you change or avoid them. It doesn't cost too much and it works if you stick with it. I found it helpful. You can get it on Amazon. I can also recommend two self-help books you might find encouraging. Do One Thing Different by Bill O'Hanlon. It's short, humorous, a good read and inspiring.The other book is What's Right With You by Barry Duncan. The book focuses on your strengths and how to get them working for you.

If you want a sense of O'Hanlon's work you can download his book A Lazy Man's Guide to Success for free. That book in itself may help you and it is short and a fun read.

http://www.billohanlon.com/LazyMan/ebook.html

I know you don't feel very good right now, but if you can get out and just hang out with some friendly people doing some things that interest you, you will begin to feel better. Isolation and withdrawal are both symptoms of depression and important causes. Related to this, if you have a few people in your life who will encourage you (in ways you find encouraging!) that helps a lot. At one time in my life I was so depressed I didn't want to get out of bed. I asked my father, who was insanely happy in the morning, to call me in the morning and talk with me for a minute. He was great and did and it helped until I got myself into a better place.

Try to establish a regular schedule. Structure often helps because you feel in control. Sleep is especially important as is light to moderate exercise. And don't drink or use drugs! They increase depression. If you feel suicidal PLEASE call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (1-800-273-8255). I even recommend if you don't feel suicidal but are having a particularly crappy day, call them. They are fine with that. They would rather help you prevent a suicide attempt than have to try to do a rescue.

Keep posting. I doubt there are but few people here who haven't struggled with depression or stress or any of the things you're struggling with. You're not alone. The twenties are hard. There is a lot of stress and change. You will make it through.

Hang in there.



Edited 3 time(s). Last edit at 01/26/2013 09:58PM by robertb.

Here's my advice. Get out in nature. Get away from everyone, get out of the city and just spend some time out by yourself in some natural setting. You will be amazed at how much it will help.

You may not know what you want but you know what you don't want. You don't want to surrender your power to the church and you don't want to surrender you power to drugs and the wrong crowd.

I have found you attract what you yourself manifest. So the key here is to find out who you really are and what you want out of life. Once you figure out at least the basics there then the rest will fall into place. You will be amazed the new people you just meet per suing your own goals. The new friends just seem to happen and what's even better, they have the same interests as you do.

If you view life negatively then it becomes negative. If you view it from a positive perspective; amazingly, it becomes more positive.

Just go on a long walk, clear all the crap out of your head, and just get into a relaxed state where you aren't thinking or worrying about anything. Look at the scenery and just live in the moment. You will be amazed at how much better you will feel and how much more insight you will have.

Anther thing you can do is just lay out on a clear night and look at the stars. Just dump all the depression and worries and look at the stars. It's simple and really does help.

If you focus too much on trying to find and feel love again, you will miss the opportunities to do exactly those things - which can only come once you are in a good place mentally and happy with yourself.

First, get your priorities in order. Getting medical help and/or therapist while you do these things will also be good to rule out or treat severe depression. I think you want to find out if it is mild, medium or severe depression and whether it's clinical or situational.

Other things you can maybe do on your own:
When I was lonely and depressed as an "inactive TBM" I used to like going out once a week or twice a week to a good coffee house and reading a bunch of newspapers and magazines or a good novel.

Even if you don't like coffee, you can try a good cup of tea (which is usually cheaper). I made it a ritual and did this every Sunday morning. I began to look forward to it all week.
I also used to do the same thing going to Barnes & Nobles and checking out interesting books etc. Or pick a certain day of the week and great yourself going to the movies. What I'm saying is do things that you enjoy doing, and get to know who you really are, what you like/don't like. So that when you do meet someone you are interested in, you have something to talk about, something to seek a commonality about etc.

You could also out if there's a college or university program you're interested in. It can be a diploma program, rather than a degree - something that will either really interest you or help you get a good job that you like. Spend time doing some vocational testing etc. Figure out what it will cost, and work towards that as your goal. Or to get immediately into something new, apply and get a student loan if possible so you can start next semester - even if it's spring or summer term. School can introduce you to a potential new set of people and friends with whom you can associate. Classmates may or may not make the best friends for you - but there are always other groups on campus you can join or volunteer with. Such as student council (or the equivalent if it's a graduate program), sports and hobby groups, etc.

Best of luck! Get out there and enjoy your life - one step at a time! There are lots of people out there who are fun and witty who are heavy and I haven't ever thought to myself - "If only they were skinnier - then I'd like talking to them." So don't be so harsh on yourself. But if weight is affecting your self esteem, then try to do something that you like that will help you lose weight every week. Do you like scenery and the outdoors? Go for a regular walk or job or go biking - surely you can get a cheap second hand bike for starters. Or go swimming three times a week. It really makes a difference.

"I'm still in Utah. I can't find a middle ground here. Either people want you to join the church and immediately become disappointed in you for not going on a Mission and never being good enough, or want you to get in on their next high."

I live in Utah but (gratefully) I'm not from here. I sincerely know how you feel. You're right, there is no obvious social middle ground here. It's so bipolar here. Most people are either religiously constipated or live these extreme alternative lifestyles. There is a such a strong rivaly between Mormons and nonMormons in Utah that it creates this environment of hate, shame, anger, bitterness, competitiveness, prejudice, selfishness. I've watched newcomers like myself and other roommates slowly dive into this angry depressed version of themselves because of the judgemental toxic atmosphere that Mormons create.

I've become so socially isolated after moving to Utah it feels like a Bubonic version of cabin fever. It causes depression--if you're not already biologically prone to it like I am. What really eats away at me is the shaming atmosphere. Shame is like radiation. It's invisible and quiet, and alters you from the inside out.

I wish I had your level of self-awareness and intuitive skills when I was in my early 20's. The fact that you're questioning this kind of stuff is a sign of a healthy mind trying to stay buoyant. I made a lot of mistakes when I first moved to Utah County because I have PTSD and the prejudice from people here was making me flashback to things from my childhood that I didn't catch onto until it was too late in certain ways. So I envy you for catching on to what's happening to you this early.

I'm not good at giving advice, but one thing that's really helped me deal with living in Utah County is a line from the movie, Pump Up The Volume. "You're not screwed up. You know exactly what's going on. If anyone is screwed up it's those guys out there. You're just a screwed up reaction to a screwed up situation."

I wish you the best, and I hope I made sense. I'm not used to talking about this kind of stuff. You have my sincere empathy.

I think I remember you posting this story before. Your problem isn't Utah, it is you and your history. I'm not saying the problem isn't important or significant, because it is, but that leaving Utah won't solve your problem. It might help you, it might be a catalyst for change, but the problem is still you.

Get out. Volunteer. I have a close friend who just got done volunteering at Sundance and there were hundreds and hundreds of normal, non Mormon people who aren't drunks or drug addicts. Go to a book club. Most of the folks who do activities at the Salt Lake City library aren't Mormon or drug addicts. Get a dog and go to the dog parks. You'll meet normal non-Mormons constantly in that area as well. The community college is fairly cheap and offers something to do as well as many people to meet.

You need to set goals for yourself to get out and do these things. Maybe try to set a goal that twice a week you are going to spend the night out meeting people or trying new things.

At first it is extremely difficult and scary to do this, but practice makes perfect and it gets easier.

Maybe leaving Utah will serve as a catalyst for you getting healthier. I used to be a shut-in as well and when I started living outside of Utah it forced me to change. Now that I'm back in Utah I love it and spend most of my social time with normal non-Mormon folks. It helped me to see that realistically in the SL Valley most people are non-Mormon or exMormon.

On the other hand, it might do nothing for you and you are still going to hate the situation you are in and the city you are living in. Honestly, when people travel I've seen more of the former than the latter. They hate the place they are living in because the problem isn't the geographical area, but rather the problem is inside of them.

Good luck.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 01/27/2013 02:51PM by snb.

You know, caffeine is not really such a big deal. Sure it maybe interferes with sleeping at night if you take it in the late afternoon or evening, but other than that, it's not a big deal and fairly easy to gradually reduce.

But what WILL give you the best results is walking, outside, to get to places or to enjoy beautiful scenery.

Exercise helps with depression.

Then, get with a therapist.

Get around good people.

Repeat.