Hi, sorry, I'm starsapphires. New member. After a couple months of stalking this forum, :) I thought maybe I could take the first step towards admitting that my feelings are legitimate and just getting some advice.

A bit about me: 

I am almost 18 and a senior in high school. Currently I have the "perfect" TBM family, both parents and four siblings. Dad has a stake calling. Mother is my seminary teacher. They like bragging that our families have been Mormon since pioneer times. They are both insanely protective, you could say. Although more like I have no privacy (they monitor and put limits on my phone, read messages, read my emails and forward them to each other,  Internet use reports, they constanly raid my desk and journals and read my private writings, basically pick out my clothing to make sure it's modest, etc...)

The way the church treats women have always chafed against my inner feminist, and been frustrated with the fact that no one could answer my questions about polygamy, and all the illogical things about the gospel. I felt insane guilt when I knelt in prayer to ask about the Book of Mormon and felt nothing. I felt guilt about being prevented from spiritually growing and in class simply regurgitating what I had been taught since birth. I felt guilt that I for some reason I couldn't put my finger on disliked all my YW leaders, and thought it was very boring. Mom told me it was my fault I didn't feel anything.

I (deep breath) used to be abused by a family member when I was in middle school. I begged my parents to stop what was going on but they didn't believe me, "families are forever and no mo's would do that kind of thing" etc. My dad was in the bishopric and my younger brother had just been diagnosed with autism. I got yelled at for being a burden and upsetting the home. 

Because I wanted something to feel, just some love. I ended up in a relationship freshman year of high school. The guy ended up to be almost emotional abusive (not trying to exaggerate, in face of people with real abuse...) He destroyed me. He admitted later that he enjoyed the power of being able to manipulate my emotions and make me hate myself. So I ended up withdrawing within myself and since then it's so hard to talk about my personal feelings. Even in school. Even in essays.

I ended up with deep depression and anxiety, with a lot of cutting. This upheld until almost exactly a year ago when my AP psychology/English teacher held me after class and the whole story came out, and I began to realize that was has been happening was not my fault, and I've been talking to him ever since. Thanks to him I've been recovering and I haven't made a suicide attempt since. I've also become atheist, with a hint of Buddhism. :)

I tried to tell my parents about my depression and they actually laughed in my face. As a writer, I actually wrote about a ling story about my change to becoming happier. Maybe sometime I can post that story here and you guys if you want to can read it.

But I don't know what to do. I can't stand church. It hurts at an intellectual, spiritual, and personal level. I can't sneak out of Seminary because my mother is teacher and I get yelled at if I don't participate. And I don't relate at all to the youth in my ward. the bishop and his wife the YW's leader are my parents' best friends.

I don't even have school to be able to be free, because my sister also attends there, and there are also two LDS teachers there who are very good friends with my parents. And I have no privacy of my phone or computer, or diary. I have one, but I have to constantly keep it with me to be safe. I'm accessing this now from a school computer. It rather sucks. First world problems.

I have an aunt who is not part of the church and is pretty shunned by the rest of our family, and whenever they visit they try to get her children to pray and such (they actually discuss how to do this when she's not around) and then they get offended when she gets upset.

Anyway, I almost wouldn't mind except that I am about to go off to college. And my parents are exactly the type that might withhold paying for college unless I repent of my ways. Or they would force me to go to BYU. 

P.S. I got into the honors program at UT Austin (not the point but I truly am ecstatic) but my family really don't care. It really hurts. I'll talk to my grandparents with stars shining in my eyes about UT and they dismiss me with a "That's nice, honey." and my parents step in with "Tell them your REAL news." I begrudgingly admit I got into BYU Hawaii (my safety school) and only then there's genuine excitement. They didn't talk to me at all about the college process. I did it all on my own. They didn't talk to me about my major. "Obviously" I'm going to a church school to find an "eternal companion".

Then my parents decided that if I go to UT that they are also moving to Austin! It's just so frustrating, but then suddenly I'm the bad guy for not wanting it. :(

My self esteem and my ability to relate to people have slowly been recovering. But every day it's so hard to break from that mindset and to be okay with who I am.

And I don't have anyone to talk to about this Mormon stuff, especially when still recovering from insane cognitive dissonance and all emotional baggage. :( I just thought maybe it would be nice to have a community of people who understood.

Because otherwise, I feel like I'm going insane.

Sorry if this is long/confusing/otherwise inappropriate.... :( 

I have nothing of value to say...absolutely no advice or information that could be of help to you in any way.

But I want you to know that I have read every word, and I feel so much for you, and I care.

And I am sorry I am so helpless when it comes to helping you.

I will be thinking of you, and sending you my best good wishes and highest and best energies, for a very long time.

Although you are in a kind of living prison, you are not alone.

I am so sorry that you are being treated like a prisoner.

I wish I could be of help.

tevai

Where do you want to attend again? Where do you think your parents want you to attend? Why? How do you interpret their desire to move to the school they do "not" want you to attend? Might it mean anything? Are they really able to sell everything and move or do they already own a house there? BTW grandparents are notorious for saying oh ok to almost anything. I imagine the only authentic enthusiasm one family I know might get- is if their grandson someday grows up to weld dune buggies for wind kites across dry lake beds- some shared talent, recreation or something- which the enthusiastic welder creates and plays with in windstorms in Nevada. If only someone in his family will grow up and share this talent & unique adventurous enthusiasm! but alas they go to college, return, get a job- few match the amazing joy of life with exactness, do they?

One of my daughters matched talents and genuine interests with each grandmother- and each particular grandmother, were actually thrilled- they could relate to that specific real talent & interest. One girl did this research major and turns out her grandmother, had done and published a paper in that same field thirty years earlier. She found it when she was in college and said, could that be grandma x's ? mom? Then talking with that grandma with an actual shared interest- not food, not dinners, not a church, not an event- but a real shared interest- real- wow Magic.

How rare is that? how often does that occur? So many people go into their family's field or business because its an opportunity and learn the ropes- but to generate, separate from one another, 800 miles apart, the same professional research fascination? huh. and they were raised near by her, didn't share or overlap time much either through the years just a reunion week, 12 of them, hiking and whatnot together.

some people purchase homes and rent rooms to other students to pay the mortgage and taxes and your expenses- if they have sufficient funds or credit. One family used their kids' college- house at Cal Poly San Luis Obispo as their retirement house After it was their kids' college room mate acquisition tool, plus the mortgage was a tax write off or some such so it helped with college money. but the parents didn't live there until the college room mates and their kid moved out and retired. So it worked out. Maybe you could suggest that. Watch it they might get pushy and prefer buying a home in Hawaii and renting it to your room mates there- tell them it the real estate would be less affordable in Hawaii so the home purchase room mate rental plan to cover housing expenses wouldn't work. That might help. Good luck!

I praise your talent. I praise your accomplishments! Congratulations on your university admission- greatest joy be to you.

So sorry you're having to go through all this. I don't know if I would open up to your parents or not at this point, since they won't listen anyway, but maybe just stick it out till you're 18 then start living your own life the way you want to. If your parents want to be a part of it then they can learn to respect you and your wishes. BYU Hawaii would be a mistake if you're already having serious doubts about the church. It would just prolong your suffering. Hopefully you will get into the college that YOU are excited for, and maybe there you can start living your own life.

You are a very smart, intelligent young woman by the sounds of it. Good for you for reaching out to someone to talk to about the abuse. It's very common for girls/women to be abused (i think the statistic is that one in four women are abused) due to our nature of being trusting and taught to accept and accommodate others, not to mention the unfortunate nature of some men who are unfortunately abusive for whatever reason.

A trusted teacher is a good idea but also seek out counseling. I find that special organizations that do counseling for abused women are the best - women counseling women - because you are still young and vulnerable, might be for the best. If you go to your local college campus and ask, they might know. A medical doctor at a clinic might also know about such a place but you could also google your city and see if there is something like that- they are usually connected to a women's shelter).

Congratulations on wanting to go to university!! That is a huge step forward in your personal freedom and freeing yourself form your TBM family who seem to not want to let go of you and control you even.

I would really consider getting a student loan and moving out on your own with roommmates (not Mormon) or into a dorm and going to university that way. Go to or call the student aid offices of the universities you are interested in and ask about what types of loans and scholarships you could apply for.

Also consider that you may need to do a combination of working part-time along with a student loan, so you don't go too severely into debt. So look at part-time job opportunities on or near campus now, to see what's out there plus housing.

And the possibility of doing university on a part-time basis (work half days and weekends and take a couple of courses each semester). There's nothing wrong with taking longer to get your degree.

If your parents don't support you for university because you decide to do your own thing, but one of your grandparents did, that would be awesome --but if not, you may need to learn to be entirely independent and just repeat to your parents:

"You don't take me seriously. You have not listened to or taken my concerns seriously. I'm moving out and going to get an education on my own."-- But of course, you have to have a plan first!!!

Maybe a short term plan to get through the rest of this year would be have a note pad on which to doodle during seminary (?) and/or another book to read during. If your Mom is teacher, so what? She might say "Put that away." You can do so but then take it out again and she would have no recourse but to kick you out of class (tee hee). Which would be just fine as then you could go to the library and study for your regular classes.

Or if that's too much for you (and not necessarily something you are comfortable with), have your favorite candy or gum and bring your ear buds and an MP3 player and even though you may not be able to listen to the MP3 during seminary, you could pop it on before and right after seminary and just tell your parents "I went went to seminary like you wanted - but need to relax now that seminary is over (with your music)!"

What I'm trying to say is have some sort of a calming strategy to help you get through it before, during and after!

And probably a few lines to repeat to your parents: "I'm sorry, I just don't see it that way." I appreciate you are my parents but I have been praying and just don't feel the same way you do." Whatever works. In the most respectful way possible, while you still live with them. After that, you will be able to just politely decline their offers, demands etc. or just stop answering them, period.

I actually am jealous of you that you figured out so young what you are interested in doing. I left home and went to university when I was 18 but was guilted into thinking that I needed to stay an active Mormon, so I tried to put Mormonism first and lost all kinds of social opportunities with "normal people" as a result, plus did not focus on school and career the way I would have, had I not been brainwashed into thinking Mormonism was still my first priority. So kudos to you! And the very best of luck!

Be grateful.
You are so lucky to have the internet to vent and reach out. OH what I would have given for that. It probably would have radically changed my life.

Maybe you should go to BYUH just to put distance between you and your parents. Yes, it's a church school (ugh). But i've heard it's not as nazi as the other church schools. Something to consider.

Like you I would choose UT as my first choice. Just for the resume in your future. But, if your parents are going to move there, and make you live with them through your college years, I would NIX that idea.

If you can go to UT and live in dorms or off campus without them monitoring your every move, I'd choose that. I don't know if you can get school loans with living expenses included. That would make a difference.

Myself, I would choose BYUH over UT and living with parents. I don't think you could take it for 4 more years. Nor should you have to. Holding your education over your head is sick.

I agree with Mia 100% - ditto - nuff said. Hang in there and keep us posted.

Starsapphires,

I am so glad you are able to share your pain on this board. And I am so sorry your parents are so blinded by their obsession with their one, true, church way that they can't even see you for the beautiful person you are.

What a massive failure to meet their first responsibility as parents!

My daughter, as you, was emotionally abused by her boyfriend. Emotional abuse is extremely damaging; I think it is as damaging as physical abuse. Thankfully we were able to help her to recognize the abuse, leave him and get psychological help. She's doing much better, but still goes into that same place when someone criticizes her.

Thank goodness for your AP teacher. I wish I could shake his hand! And I wish I could slap those two unprofessional LDS teachers upside the head. No respect for boundaries!

Congratulations on the admission to UT. It is a well-respected school and not easy to get into. You are obviously a great student!

I'm a nevermo, but I have had a lot of experience teaching all kinds of kids including a lot of Mormon high school kids. At the time, I wasn't very well-informed about the nuances of mormonism. I am better-informed now, and I recognize the straightjacket that it is for kids who don't fit the cookie-cutter pattern.

Right now your parents have a lot of control over you. But you are 18 and will be out of school in a few months. There are lots of possiblities to explore.

I know people on this board will have lots of experiences to share and ideas about possible roads to take. I hope they may have some ideas about where you can get some non-mo psychological support.

One that may be a possibility depending on where you live, is Catholic Charities (my mom received help through that organisation.) You don't have to be Catholic, and they don't push Catholocism on you. They may be able to help at little or no cost.

You are strong, smart and brave--you are a survivor!

Keep checking in and let us know how you are doing.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 01/28/2013 02:14AM by bordergirl.

You have told your story well. I really feel for you. I've been in a position to work with many HS kids over the years and wanted to let you know you are not alone. Hopefully some of the other teens that post here can contact you.

Getting right down to the action items, you have some things to consider that are time sensitive.

-make sure you get adequate help for the cutting/depression. Your teacher is awesome for helping you out. Maybe he can help you work with school counselors to find you a psychologist trained to help with your specific issues. You want to be in top health as the road ahead might be tough.

-start to figure out your options. BYU HI alone? Austin with parents? Get a job NOW and go it on your own come fall? Room with friends? A family friend?

-you may need to play the game for a while longer with your parents while you figure it out. Keep telling yourself that situation is temporary and your future freedom is worth it. College is a great time to transition out of the church.

-Get a part time job now and plan to work all summer. Money will equal your freedom. As an independent adult, you will have more options. If your parents are planning to follow you to college, they are insane.

Congrats on your college acceptances and a bright future ahead!

Agreed with all the above comments. You DO have friends here and listening ears whenever you need - the people on this board are intelligent, empathetic, funny, and wise. You are clearly the same, so you'll find many friends here.

Your parents are exerting far too much control over you, which breaks my heart. They're obviously afraid of losing control over you, which is common among LDS parents. Save money, plan carefully, tread lightly, and get out as soon as you can. You have a very bright future ahead of you, and throwing off those inappropriate shackles is the first order of business.

Hang in there - we're here for you!

BTW, it's not a "fault" you didn't feel anything. I was told the same thing my whole childhood and teenage years. You didn't feel anything because there's nothing to feel - you're more intuitive than your parents and many others, so that is to your credit!!

For 56 years I didn't "feel" anything. There's nothing there. No amount of righteousness will change it.

It's a fairytale that many have talked themselves into believing.

Have you ever heard to story about the King with no clothes? Look it up. It's mormonism 101.

Mia, did you feel unbelievably liberated and validated when you realized you had never been "wrong" or "sinful" all along when you didn't feel anything? I was so tired of feeling deeply flawed - my parents treated me that way and church members did also. Now I know I was right all along and the feeling is pure joy. O.K., there's anger in there sometimes too, but overall it has been incredibly empowering to realize I had more intuition as a child and teen than my parents and church "authorities" ever did. For a person who struggles with self-esteem issues this was a major revelation to me, and a most welcome one!!

I don't have a lot to say except welcome, and this is the perfect place to vent about anything you like. You will always find a friendly ear and marginal advice. Ok, kidding about the advice. It's usually the best!

You have abt another four months or so to graduate,it's right around the corner.

Plan for your freedom now and once you hit 18 move out asap.

Don't waste your time on "discussions" with your parents, you are being held a virtual prisoner and MUST work to liberate yourself.
Very similar to a new chicken having to use all its energy to crack through its shell.

Your parents' behavior is nutty, even by Mormon standards.
You'd think they'd have enough work with your three other siblings to keep them from policing you.

At any rate,your developmental job at this time is to break free and live your own life.

Starsapphires, you are among friends here.

Your parents are far too controlling. By age 18, they should be loosening up to some degree because the die has been cast by this point.

I'm sorry that your family member abused you and that your parents were unreceptive to your news. How awful! I'm glad that your AP teacher has reached out to you, but you also need professional counseling. If you can't get it from your school counselor at present, please get it first thing when you go off to college. Colleges have really great counseling centers staffed with people who want to help you.

A good friend of mine in college was a cutter. She had a lot of emotional problems back then, but she did get counseling and eventually stopped the cutting. She has a great career now and a loving family. I want you to have hope that your future will be just as bright.

The key to having your own life will be financial independence. Have a solid game plan for getting an education in a very employable field. Then work your butt off to get that education. You may have restrictions on your life until then, but the time will go quickly. Before you know it, you will be an employed adult who can live where and how you please.

Do your parents really have the capacity to pull up their roots and move to Austin? Most adults don't. It's possible that they may be blowing a smokescreen at you. It's hard to say which is the better option, but UT Austin is such a prestigious school that my inclination would be to go there. From there, you could go to any graduate school in the country if you wish. You could try UT Austin, and if the situation is truly unbearable, transfer to BYUH.

Keep posting as you can and know that there are a lot of people on this board who care about you. Hang in there.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 01/28/2013 07:00AM by summer.

It will be hard in some ways. But you will also "heal" more socially as well.

Wowowow. Thank you guys so, so much. I didn't expect such a response, so fast.

To clear up some confusion - my parents have wanted to move out of California since the election. My dad runs his own business, and my mother is stay at home mother. Texas was the place they just recently decided on (I'm probably going there, fewer liberals to complain about... just kidding) and have been working towards. They just about mention it every five seconds.... haha. :(

Every time they bring up staying at home I laugh politely, and say no, and try to make a joke out of it. I just have to see financial aid come March.

I have some other schools (UCLA, U-M, BYU-P) that I am still waiting on. UT and BYUH are just who I've heard from so far, it's actually rather earlier. So, there might be other options, I just have to wait and see. (UT was just the college out of all of them that was the best fit for me personally. I've just got to stay on campus if I do.)

I wish that in their effort to keep me close they didn't have to drive me away.

I'm hoping it gets better. I'm working towards it. It's been rather therapeutic writing about it after trying to avoid it for a long time. :) Hope to become an active member of the board.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 01/28/2013 08:56AM by starsapphires.

UCLA would also be a good option for you, especially if you don't have to live at home. Plus you would get in-state tuition, although the UC system has been rather pricey lately. What's U-M? University of Michigan?

Yesterday on another forum, I saw the term "psycho vigilant mormons". I think that fits your parents. It is painful so see how they haven't taken care of you because of their blind devotion to the church. Starsapphires, I hope you find a way to stay in touch with this board. If you do happen to end up at UT, my daughter is thinking of moving to Austin after she graduates from the U of San Francisco this spring because she has friends there. They are great kids and I would love to have you meet them. You have my best wishes for this difficult time in your life. Alice K

I know it's tough. 17-21 were the loneliest years for me. Sounds like you've got a good brain in there. Don't buckle, do what's right, do what's best for you and you'll make it.

If you want to escape this mess that you are in, then join the military when you are 18. You will be old enough to sign the papers, you will have a job, adventure, and will not be stifled by your trippy parents. Do four years then go to college on the new GI bill. Just a thought!

Yours is the most poignant story I have ever read about a young person who has been and continues to be abused by her parents. Your parents are absolute nut cases when their major goal in life is to hover over you and control you.

The biggest problem that you have in trying to escape from your evil controlling parents is that they provide your financial support. It is very difficult for a person who graduates from high school to move out and be totally self supporting. Beginning jobs don't pay much so just earning enough to pay basic living expenses is difficult.

And then there is the question of how to pay for college. It is next to impossible for a person in your position to earn enough money to live independently and also pay for (or save for) the expense of a college education.

But there is a solution, and that is to enlist in the US military. You will immediately physically escape your parents evil controlling presence. You will be an independent adult who can control her own life and destiny.

In the military you will learn a job skill. You should determine what that will be prior to signing the enlistment papers. Get a guarantee that you will receive training in a useful job skill of your choice. It should be a skill that will be useful in civilian life after your military service time has been completed.

And then there is the fact that the US Government will pay for your college education after you leave the military service. That is a huge benefit to you as you prepare to be self sufficient in life.

So my suggestion is that you visit a military recruiting office as soon as possible and discuss all your options with them. This may be the perfect way to gain independence from your truly horrible parents.

I'm not sure if military is a good place for her if she has been abused in the past and the military has that kind of reputation. Although maybe it is being improved.

It's possibly still an option. would require some research.

If all else fails and you need your parents money, BYU Hawaii for one year semester but then transfer somewhere else? If you need to buy more time.

The reason this would possibly be ok is it could give you some distance from your parents and also more time to work out the right program and job opportunity in the new school, and would eventually result in your getting a degree from a non Mormon school. But make sure all the credits you take at BYU Hawaii are transferable by checking with the school of your choice. I guess the downside to BYU Hawaii is if you decide to transfer out, your parents may not pay your airfare back to the U.S. so you would have to not tell them until after you are back in the States about transferring.

My parents would never have been able to afford BYU Hawaii so it was never an option for me.

You're already doing very well and don't know it!

I have a young friend at 'feisty times' you can google who left the church.

They write their worries out. You do too! It is how you process your emotions and it makes excellant writers!

Say, you could look into being paid for your short stories when you go to school at Austin.
In fact, since the school requires "Freshman" to live on campus you couldn't possibly live with your parents if they moved there.

Also, with this economy, trying to sell a house or business and moving across the country is not a three month deal anymore, it can take 18 or more. Smile and say that would be interesting when they mention it. (Agree with thine adversary while they are in your path, lest they rend you apart) just a little gem worth keeping from the Bible....

When you are a freshman, apply to be on campus dorm assistant so you would have to live on campus. Or maybe join a frat/sorority house so you have to live on campus.

Otherwise, if you must go to a church school go to Hawaii.
Keep writing.
When I had to sit through boring church classes I wrote in my binder. One can write the description of the back cover of a novel using the people around you as characters. Try "western" or "romance" or "science fiction" or "mystry/murder/spy" as a topic. You could have a lot of fun in class.

Think of writing your version of Diary of a Wimpy kid while you're in seminary, or Teacher from the Black Lagoon, you could lighten your mood.

Try to write comedy or feed yourself something that makes you laugh deeply. It will change your blood chemistry and make you feel better. (I like banned commercial and pranks on you tube)
Do something good for your self every day.

You're approaching the time for you to shine. There's a light at the end of this tunnel, and the sooner you follow it, the better off you are. Some of us (like me) did it much too late. I didn't get out of this mess until I was 59, four years ago this month.

You know, in a regular church with professional pastors, your teachers and leaders wouldn't be all incestuously related like in the LDS church. Just sayin'. It's one of the things that unnecessarily complicates and cheapens Mormonism.

Indeed, go for Austin. BYU-H, while a "party school" among LDS-run universities, will still be all about obedience and all subjects will be taught in a way to validate Mormonism. And it's horribly expensive there. Austin is one of the nicest cities in Texas (I'm no fan of Texas, either), and is far cheaper. Ideas will flow freely without being stifled by Mormonism.

If you haven't noticed, Recovery from Mormonism is alive with young people now, many still in high school. This is new for me. I think it means that we're on the cusp of something new, like maybe seeing the newest generation of kids coming into adulthood leaving the church. We older types could be fooled back during a time when it was difficult to find out anything useful, but that is not so anymore. And what will church leadership do about this problem? The answer is very predictable, because the old gents who run the outfit can only exercise one thing--they will tighten their circle of wagons, blame the membership for their problems, and call for even more obedience. So as you see this happen, you will know that it is your signal and that you need not worry about jumping off the leaky ship Mormon as it scoots along the shore. Mormon waters are exceedingly shallow, so go for it.

I ache for you, little one. I'm so heart-sorry for your suffering. I do not use that word lightly; I understand being emotionally manipulated, self-hatred, and the desire to hurt yourself just to overpower the feelings of helplessness and pain. I cried reading your post.

I'm a mom of many children. One of them is currently a student in Austin. We all came out together, so he would understand you. Let us know if you land there and I'll put you in touch, so you'll have a built in friend when you arrive.

Much love, and many hugs. I wish I could fix it for you. Find your strength, and stand up. If you don't respect yourself, nobody is going to give you respect. You deserve unconditional love and support. I hope you find some of that here with us.

Good advise so far. You need to get yourself free.

You should also call an abuse hotline, it does not matter if it happened a few years back.

The fact that your parents stood by without helping you while you were being abused is of great concern and the law needs to step in.
The perp(s) need to be punished.

Something is seriously wrong in your family, do not protect them through silence.

I hope you are able to continue to work through telling your story with your teacher and any others that you can find that are helpful. I have a sister who went through your situation and had the exact same behavioral reaction to it with the cutting. Your normal(whatever that is) and are doing what many others have done to work through their pain. It is painful not to feel like you belong or are accepted in a group like a family or a social group like a church. The blessing in it is that you are figuring out the false teachings of mormonism and the lies it tells its members. Hang in there and keep pushing forward because it sounds like you are on the verge of having some really exciting and good things happen in your life.

I have been to Austin TX and it is about the coolest place in TX. There is a very different culture there than in CA. I attended BYU-HI and it was fun because of the ocean. Lot's of space to wander and think and be alone on that side of the island in HI. They have some cool classes in scuba, snorkle, and traditional dance that give it a vibe that is unique. Most kids there are away from family and want to have a good time. Lot's of beautiful hikes into the mountains and waterfalls that you can't experience anywhere else and plenty of kids that like to do that stuff. There is an "underground" but it is very secretive and they party it up big but it is always the childish game of trying to keep it a secret because you can get kicked out of school if they have evidence you party. If you want to stay at that school you have to be ok with lying about the honor code while you are in school. Most of the students I knew there all openly admitted to the lying and were happy about how easy it was to fool the bish or the admin so easily and shared their tips for looking like a MO and getting away with it. It's all in good fun and they felt like they deserved it for putting up with all the crappy talks, seminary, boring church lessons, and stupidity for so long in life. The least they could get out of it was a reasonable tuition and a degree.

Whatever you do have fun. Enjoy life and make your plans to free yourself from others opinions and expectations. It sounds like you have already declared your independence and beliefs and that is huge.

Starsapphires--Wow, and I thought I was a strict ex-mormon mom. Your parents are way over the top. You've only one more semester of high school if I understood you correctly.

I agree with what many posters have said about making sure you get counseling through school or whatever it takes to get over the cutting and depression. My sweet high school freshman daughter went through a brief stage with cutting--I held her as she cried and then got her into counseling.

Wish I could do the same for you. Your parents live in an alternate reality--I pity them. But I feel worse for you.

The only way you're going to get free of this is if you can put yourself through college--that way they cannot dictate where you go and how you live. Once you're 18 you can go any damn place you want to after you graduate from high school.

Have you considered talking to your aunt? Does she live near a college or university that you are interested in? Would she be a good choice for emotional support?

I know you can do this--you're an obviously very intelligent young woman. I see good things in your future. Hugs to you.

Starsapphires, I turned 18 in the late 90's and left home right after high school while my brother was on a mission. I spoke to my parents only a few times a year for about 3 years after that. My parents tried to starve me out hoping I would come crawling back and go back to church, serve a mission, etc. I also had a baby to deal with during this time as my girlfriend became pregnant and gave birth when I was 19. My parents didn't even know thier grandson existed until he was almost 3 years old.

I know exactly how you feel. I've been in your place and was forced to make tough decisions.

If I could give you advice, I would say move to Austin and then get yourself sorted out. Before you tell your parents how you feel about mormonism, you should establish yourself by getting a strong start in school and finding a job in case they decide to cut you off. If your parents decide to move there it shouldn't stop you from pursuing what you want to do. But, honestly, how likely is it that they will actually move?

I worked full time while going through college with a young child and zero outside support so I know it can be done. With only a few exceptions such as being married or having a child, you will be considered financially dependent on your parents for federal financial aid, however, so I'm hoping you have scholarships or some other funding lined up because most nutjob parents will use that as a leverage point against their mormon kids.

What I did was take the first year after high school off and worked full time before starting college to save money but that may not work for you. Just know that others have been in your situation and it will be difficult when you tell your family but if you plan carefully you will make it. I empathize with your situation and I know being a female only makes it more difficult. Good luck to you. My email can be found by clicking on my name if you ever need someone to correspond with.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 01/28/2013 01:14PM by Albinolamanite.

Austin is great place. It is so different than the rest of Texas, much more liberal and open-minded. The UT school there is very big and diverse and you will be able to find activities in almost every conceivable venue. After a year in the honors dorm, you can move off campus.

Wow, I don't have much to say except that you are going to be all right. I know its hard to see right now, but you're clearly a very intelligent and thoughtful person - and once you do get out of your house and away from all the Mormons you'll see how great the world can be. Don't give up!