It's now time for me to break my parents' hearts. In the past I've been impressed with feedback provided on coming out letters, so I figured it wouldn't hurt to throw my letter out there for everyone's consideration. I would appreciate any constructive criticism anyone would like to offer.

I've been up for nearly 24 hours now, so I'm headed to bed and won't be able to respond to any posted comments until tomorrow.



Dear Mom and Dad,

Well, I’ve been staring at the computer for a while now, trying to figure out how to start this letter. Unfortunately, there just doesn’t seem to be a good way to begin. I do want to warn you that the contents of this letter will not make you happy, so if you’re having a good day, go ahead and set this letter aside until a more appropriate time when you’re already unhappy. I’ll apologize up front for this letter, and I regret any pain that it may cause. You have been wonderful parents and I love you both very much, which makes it very difficult to head down a path that I know will disappoint both of you.

I no longer believe the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints to be true.

Well, there it is – probably the most difficult sentence I have ever typed. Even now, it’s hard to accept that the statement applies to me. I wish it didn’t.

I had always thought that if I tried hard enough, I would gain a testimony. Throughout my life, I was confident that if I remained faithful, my sincere petitions would ultimately be rewarded, and I would receive personal confirmation through the Holy Ghost that the Church is true. I prayed literally thousands of times, fasted dozens of times, and attended the temple numerous times with the purpose of gaining a testimony of the Church. These efforts were uniformly unsuccessful. Over time as our children grew older, I pleaded to the Lord for a testimony, not for my edification, but for the benefit of our children. I wanted to be a righteous priesthood leader in our home and bear testimony of the gospel to our children. Still, I received no answer that the Church was true, and the only impression I received was that not only did God not like me, He didn’t care much for my family either.

For most of my life, as my parents you have been the basis of my testimony. I have always trusted you implicitly, and I knew that you believed the Church to be true. I had (and still have) complete confidence in your honesty and integrity, and I knew that you wouldn’t claim to know the Church was true if you weren’t sincere in your belief. A while back, I realized that my children shouldn’t trust me the way I trusted you because I hadn’t received a testimony, and therefore I was teaching them things that I didn’t know were true. This realization was quite painful to me, and I recognized that I could no longer in good conscience maintain a facade of faith in the Church, at least with regards to our children.

You may be wondering why I would have served as counselor in a couple bishoprics if I didn’t have a testimony. In retrospect, I certainly should not have accepted the callings. However, at the time, I felt that serving in the bishopric was the right thing to do. The first time I was called to the bishopric, I felt that it was an answer to my prayers. Not that I wanted to serve in the bishopric per se, but when the call was extended I had a distinct impression that the experiences I would have in the bishopric would help me develop a strong testimony. Unfortunately, my time in the bishopric had the opposite effect. Although I had numerous positive experiences, there was also a lot of disappointment and eventually I felt that by serving in the bishopric I was complicit in something that was very wrong.

When the second calling to the bishopric came, I tried to turn it down and I informed the member of the stake presidency that I didn’t have the testimony required to serve in a bishopric. Well, he wasn’t one to take no for an answer, and after some cajoling, I accepted the call. Once again, it was because I had the feeling that by serving in the bishopric I could gain a testimony. Although my second experience in the bishopric was a vast improvement over the first, I still did not gain a testimony. This made it a bit awkward as I tried to walk a fine line between being honest and fulfilling the responsibilities of my calling. This was a particular challenge on fast Sundays when I would conduct Sacrament Meeting and would have to bear my testimony first. Around that time, I read a talk by Elder Oaks in which he said that testimonies were to be found in the bearing of them. I took this advice at face value, and I began testify of things that I did not know were true in hopes that Elder Oaks’ counsel would be fulfilled and the Spirit would confirm my testimony. Instead, it was at this point that I felt that I had crossed the line from hypocrite to outright liar. This was particularly difficult for me because I had always believed that integrity was one of my core characteristics, and I felt that by compromising my integrity I had sacrificed a significant part of who I am.

In May of 2012, I finally accepted that I did not know if the Church was true and that it was possible that I might never get that confirmation. In June of that year, I shared my feelings with DW, and soon thereafter met with our Bishop to surrender my temple recommend. It was not an easy meeting to set up since I had enjoyed serving with the Bishop, and I still hold him in high esteem. Although he was disappointed, the Bishop was also supportive, and I appreciated his understanding. I’ve also shared my feelings with (daughter) and (daughter), but I have not spoken with (son) or (son) yet. I wanted to share my feelings about the Church with you, but the right moment never seemed to present itself. On the last evening of our visit in August, I was going to discuss it with you. However, literally as I was about to open my mouth to start the conversation, daughter walked out of the bedroom and the moment was gone. Then, with all the hurting you were going through with (my sister's) divorce, I didn’t want to add to your burden. However, I realize there will probably never be a good time to tell you, and I thought that waiting until the day of (nephew's) baptism to let you know that I couldn’t participate in priesthood ordinances probably wasn’t the right approach.

I know that you are disappointed and that you are concerned about my eternal well-being. However, I also hope that you can be happy for me. As I struggled to gain a testimony, I was absolutely miserable. My stomach was constantly tied up in knots, and I usually felt nauseous and lethargic. As a result, it was difficult to tell when I was sick because the symptoms would coincide with my usual physical state. However, since last May when I admitted to myself that I did not have a testimony, I have finally received the peace and comfort that I have struggled to gain for years. I cannot remember another time in my adult life when I have felt so good for so long. Ironically, had I received the same feelings when I was praying to gain a testimony, I would have accepted the feelings as an incontrovertible witness that the Church was true. I don’t want to delve into the depression I suffered due to my inability to gain a testimony. However, as you know, I recently underwent some procedures to diagnose chest pains. I had been having chest pains for several years, but during a recent episode I was surprised to notice that I wasn’t hoping it was a heart attack and that I felt life was worth living, and it was this realization that led me to seek medical help. The primary motivator for me to gain a testimony was the love I have for my family and my desire to be with them eternally. However, the physical and mental stresses I endured as I struggled to gain a testimony detracted from the relationships I had with (daughter), (daughter), (son), and (son). I have noticed that my relationships with my children have improved significantly since I have accepted that I do not have a testimony. Consequently, in spite of the disappointment I know you must feel, I do hope that you can also be happy for me due to the positive outcomes outlined above.

As a final thought, during the last General Conference it was apparent from the talks that I am not the only one in the Church who has struggled with gaining a testimony. I was quite disappointed to see the Church leaders characterize those individuals as having made unwise choices, being lax in their observance of covenants, etc. While several potential deficiencies in these individuals were outlined, none of the speakers acknowledged that a person could be doing their utmost to live the Gospel fully and still not gain a testimony. However, that is the category that I fall into. If there had been something in my life that wasn’t aligned with the Gospel, then I wouldn’t expect to receive personal revelation. It is specifically because I was genuinely striving to live the Gospel to the best of my ability that I was so surprised that my faithful prayers remained unanswered. This may seem trivial, but I find it disheartening that my children will be taught that their dad is somehow defective or was doing something wrong, and that is why he doesn’t have a testimony. I just don’t want my parents to think the same thing about me.

Well, this letter is longer than I planned, thanks for reading all of it. If it’s any comfort, you got off relatively easy - DW had to read through 16 pages of my ramblings (and I could have gone on much longer). If you have any questions regarding this letter or want any additional information, I would be happy to discuss with you. Conversely, if it is something that you do not want to come up in our conversations, I will respect your wishes. Again, I apologize for the pain I know this letter must cause you. I love you.

Your letter is beautiful, heartfelt, honest, and gentle in its approach. The only part I would change is the last paragraph. Everything else flows so well and then the ending is confusing as to who the audience is (e.g., "If you have any questions..." sounds like a business letter). You could end the letter by starting with this part of the last paragraph:

"I would be happy to discuss any of this issues with you in person. Conversely..." and continue with the original letter from here.

I hope you had a good night's sleep. And good luck.

Thanks for the suggestion, and it is a good catch. I sign a lot of business letters, and that is a line I typically include at the end of the letters. I guess I went on autopilot there at the end of the letter to my parents. I'll definitely change that last paragraph as per you suggestion.

What a beautifully written letter. I hope that you parents appreciate it.
I wish you luck and happiness in your journey.

Beautifully done. Let us know how it goes.

What a great letter. I hope they react with as much love as you show for them. How are things with your wife?

It's still hard on DW. On the surface, things are okay, but it's obvious that just under the surface she is hurting.

With regards to my parents, I am sure they will respond with love. They are two of the most genuinely caring and accepting people I have ever met. They will be disappointed, but they won't reject me or the way I feel. My mom in particular has an inordinate ability to see the best in people, and I'm confident that she will understand that I did my best to gain a testimony (my dad will too).



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 02/10/2013 10:07AM by mike222.

What great parents you have! I have many issues with my parents, stemming from my childhood, but I am grateful that my response from them has been accepting. Just keep loving your wife, and showing her that you adore her more than the differences in religious belief. Good luck!

You did a wonderful job of explaining the situation in a loving way. I can completely relate as my experience was similar. I am sure your DW will come around and am happy that you are finally feeling peace. I cannot express how much better my life has been since I finally found the courage to leave TSCC and how much my relationships with my husband and chilren have improved. My TBM extended family have not been as supportive, but that's just the way it goes. Best to you and your family!

And I just want to tell you that you weren't alone in your inability to generate a testimony. I experienced that, and many other people on the board have related similar experiences. If the church would acknowledge that this happens to many good and sincere people, it would save these people a lot of heartache and self-blame. If I had felt that faith was good enough, I would probably still be in the church today.

Perhaps the church is more interested in blaming and character assassinating people who don't have have a testimony. Most people who doubt play along for years, and we have no idea how many silent doubters there are. They have more control this way.

I know how hard it is on a person to do whatever is asked and blame themselves when they don't get the promised testimony. In retrospect, though, I consider it a positive characteristic that I was NOT able to delude myself that God was speaking to me. I hope that you recognize that it takes a strong and honest person not to convince themselves of something they desperately want to believe and feel.

I hope things go well with the family. Sometimes there is a rough spell and then people adjust.

It was a relief for me to find RfM and learn that I wasn't the only one who genuinely tried to gain a testimony, but couldn't. It would be nice if GAs would acknowledge this possibility in general conference, although it's probably a more effective retention technique to impugn individuals who walk away from the church.

mike, glad you feel better, that is heart wrenching. good luck with your wife, have patience with her, I hope she is willing to dig into the facts and use reason and not just faith alone to understand you.

I didn't mean to post here. I'm always doing that.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 03/12/2013 06:13PM by joesmithsleftteste.

"...generate a testimony."

That is it exactly! Thank you for saying that!

It is incumbent upon the member/investigator to conjure up a witness. And when that witness fails to materialize, it's on their head. So simple to see now from the outside, but so insidious when foisted on young BIC members or investigators

Speaking of which: How does praying for a testimony not equate to "seeking a sign"???

Wow, for some reason, the single word, "generate" really brought it home for me.

For Mike222: Beautiful, heartfelt letter. So well done, there really isn't any adequate response/rebuttal/argument available. You nailed it and I'm sure anyone who reads it can feel the thought and caring you obviously poured into it. Well done and welcome to the free world.

...you focus solely on your inability to gain a testimony. You did mention the peace and health pluses you've gained, but those don't necessarily equate for TBMs with having left the church. They are able to chalk all that up to Satan deceiving you. As far as not being able to gain a testimony, that is nothing different than pretty much all members of the church deal with their whole lives, whether they want to admit it or not. We wouldn't have spent so much of our lives begging for a sure knowledge or belief if we had one.

So it will be easy for them to write it off as your STILL not praying, paying and obeying enough. I know you wanted to keep it quite positive and you don't have to go into all the detail about the insonsistencies you've found with church history and doctrine, as some have in their coming out letters. But maybe just a mention that it's not all just your heart and lack of feelings of belief that have led you to this point, but your brain also. If you have done an honest inquiry into the fallacies and coverups of the church, I would at least mention this. Maybe you can be very inocuous, like, "After I stepped back and decided that it's not just me, that many other people struggle with this lack of being able to gain a testimony, I felt a need to make some honest inquiries into the claims of the church. I won't go into it here and would be happy to discuss any of my findings with you if you so desire. But suffice it to say that the feeling of surety I'd always desired, the feeling of peace, came to me when I realized that I had not been taught the truth about the foundational claims of Mormonism and that the truth is out there for anyone who has a desire to find out. My intellect tells me the church is false and that is the reason I was never able to get the confirmation of its truth that I so desired."

Anyway, if you throw in something showing that it is more than just feelings you are going on, they will be less likely to challenge you on it because, well, frankly, most mormons just don't want to go there.

I agree with destiny. While beautifully written, your letter made me kind of sad. It felt like you were just apologizing for your shortcomings with the church. It's not your fault the church isn't true. It's not your fault that you couldn't make yourself believe in something that isn't true.

My experience was similar to yours - despite fervent efforts over many years, I could not make myself "gain a testimony". I felt like a hypocrite and a liar, and hated myself for it.

I don't know if you wrote your letter with this apologetic tone because you want to be gentle to your parents, or because you genuinely feel like you're the one who has failed. Either way, it's sad. Your parents sound like lovely people, but you are an adult who is basically telling them why they should be disappointed in you. You can be kind and respectful without throwing yourself under a bus. It should be "I tried and tried and tried and just couldn't do it", it should be "I did everything I was supposed to do, but the church didn't deliver on its promises". It's a subtle difference, but I think it's an important distinction. The way it is, it sounds like you just gave up. That's what they'll take away from it. But it isn't true - you didn't give up, you just realized it wasn't worth the effort you were putting in.

If it were me, rather than apologizing and describing my efforts to gain a testimony as a failure, I would instead thank them for the values they instilled in me. Thanks, mom and dad, for teaching me how to be a person of integrity. Thanks, mom and dad, for always being so supportive of me. I'm so glad to know that we have a relationship based on genuine love and respect - it will make it easier to remain close while holding opposing viewpoints about the church.

Of course, only you know what works best for you and your parents. But if you do still feel like you're somehow at fault for not believing in TSCC, please do whatever you can to reassure yourself. You made the right decision. You didn't take the easy way out.

Sorry, that should say:

It SHOULDN'T be "I tried and tried and tried and just couldn't do it", it should be "I did everything I was supposed to do, but the church didn't deliver on its promises".

I agree completely. The truth requires no apology. Apologizing for telling the truth implies to most listeners that you are not really convinced by what you're saying.

I dunno. I'm a parent and if I received this letter, I would feel the pain and suffering immediately which would cause me to never attempt to dispute or invalidate that pain. I think this tone will really cause them to sit up and take notice and have some respect for their son instead of just brushing it off as Mike having a bad day or just going thru a phase.

I get what you're saying about not apologizing for the truth, but this tone is a perfect for an opening message IMO. There will be time down the road for future discussion re: LDS Inc's shortcomings -- no need to unload all that now. This letter beautifully meets its intended purpose.

My two cents.

Destiny and judyblue - thanks for your feedback and I agree with your criticism. It seems unfair that as exmos, we always have to be on the defensive for merely seeking the truth. Had my intended audience been different, my letter likely would have taken a different tone. However, when I wrote the letter, my primary focus was mitigating the pain my parents would inevitably feel. This was due to the love and respect which I have for them and which they earned through many years of self-sacrifice on my behalf. I honestly could not have asked for better parents.

I was surprised to find that people had commented on this post today since it is a couple weeks old. As an update, I did send out the letter and my parents responded well. There's a couple other posts with the updates, but I don't know how to copy and paste links using the tablet which I surreptitiously use to access RfM.

My fault - I keep linking to your letter in new posts because I like it so well...

I should have said "pleasantly surprised". I appreciate all the additional feedback. Also, I'm flattered you think this letter is worth linking to - thanks for the compliment oncoming storm.

I just read this and wanted to tell you that your letter is very well written. I think most of us here can feel your pain and understand exactly what you're going through.

Mike222, so many of us have gone through exactly the same thing you are going through. Often it becomes a "Me verses you" issue with TBMs, because both sides can't be right.

In Mormonism it's such a black and white process that someone (on one side or the other) must either be lying, or delusional, or unworthy. There are no other choices.


See Short Topics 349 "No Testimony? What's wrong with you?"



http://www.exmormon.org/mormon/mormon349.htm