I'm back because I'm extremely angry & pissed off. I was making huge strides to the point where I thought I was recovered. Then - Bam! Months of progress in recovery down the drain.
Its ok to to come back to recharge. This isn't AA; falling into old feelings and needing reassurance doesn't negate any progress you've made thus far. Its a journey. Sometimes I get overwhelmed wondering when I'm going to get over all this ex-mo stuff and just be normal. I don't know if that will ever fully happen because its part of me. I think it will eventually become less important and manageable, something that I reflect on from time to time but doesn't control my life.
Oh! I'm so glad you posted this. I am sooo right there.
Tristan: I'm sorry you're having a difficult time, but I'm also so happy to hear from you. I was wondering how you were, my dear. Hang out for a bit and recharge. That's what I'm doing:) I think we are in good company. {Hug}
Understand. I've been out for about twelve years now. Spent some time here lurking (never posted) for a couple of years initially, then disappeared as I had other things in my life taking time and attention and I just didn't care much.
Suddenly, a few weeks ago, came across Rfm again and it resonated.
Part of the recovery process is that over time, various things come up that really piss you off. It's a process, the feelings come and go, just let yourself deal with them as they come. There's no specific time when "you should be over it." Just doesn't work that way, I'm afraid. I wish it did, though!
Feel free to share whatever is up, most people will be respectful and try to help. If a few aren't, just remember it's their issues and anger taking over and don't take it personally. Sorry - a few things I've seen recently make me feel the disclaimer is necessary.
Most people on the board truly want to help each other through the recovery process. Experiences and viewpoints differ, but in most cases the intentions are good.
These kinds of set backs are unfortunately part of the recovery process.
Each time they happen they tend to jolt a person's recovery to the next level. It must feel terrible to feel recovery has " gone down the drain." But this feeling is temporary and getting over it demonstrates progress. Don't be blindsided by these episodes. You just need time to process all you've suffered. Writing about it helps as does doing whatever helps cheer you like nature, art, music, reading, hobbies, TV, favorite movies, or exercise.
Be kind and patient with yourself. You deserve it.
My TBM mom is just fucking things up left & right simply because of her TBM thinking. It makes me so angry!!!! I can't get into most of the specifics because it would reveal who I am. She is very ungrateful for everything I do for her. She does nothing to help me get the fuck out of here & away from my inactive, abusive dad. She acts exactly like her mother regarding this in that because it's my burden to have an abusive father, it's my burden to deal with alone. She constantly does things for other people for free related to her career, when they don't deserve it of appreciate it. All they do is take advantage of her. I know better than to ask her for anything that relates to her work, because I actually respect her regarding that. & the thing that pisses me off the most is that she gives at least $4K a year in tithing, & she fucking can't afford it. My unbelieving, inactive dad says the I just want her money. (He always says that all I want is his money too.) I don't actually. I'm just worried that something bad is going to happen, & she'll need that money & it won't be there, or that the cult will bully it out of her.
For those that don't know me, this situation I live with is very complicated, & one I'm working through.
You can't make decisions for other adults. What you can do is save your money and get the heck out of there when you are able to. And you can work to get into a position to help your mom financially and otherwise if she ever needs it.
I think that's why so many people stay here on the board or come back periodically.
So many of us have ties to unhealthy people, or to people who are so stuck in their thinking that seems to give them license to treat us as "less than". You aren't the only one to cycle through leaving and coming back. It's not a sign of any failing on your part. It's the side affect of living with crazy making people.
Very well said. That's exactly why I don't bother to leave and consider myself "recovered." Until the day I die, I will deal with family issues because of the fact that I married a controlling, manipulative, sociopathic, horrible excuse of a human being and allowed him to father my children, and as follows, be the grandfather to my grandchildren. And I am paying for that dearly.
And the ONLY reason I married, or would ever have married such a creature (who exhibited all these signs well before we ever married) was because prophet Yoda made it very clear to us back in the day, that any two temple-worthy people could make a good marriage. And I was going to be 21--the kiss of death for a mormon girl. I just wanted to be married. I had zero self-esteem, out-of-control hormones, superior intelligence, but no common sense. And I attribute ALL of that to being raised in a mindfucking cult.
Life has gone on--but despite 18+ years of divorce, the sociopath will never be out of my life until he eats himself into the grave or dies of some hooker-related illness, whichever comes first. And even then, I will feel his influence on my children and grandchildren forever. I have a good life, good friends, good job, and it doesn't consume me. But things happen on a regular basis that make me want to scream, "WHY couldn't I have seen the scam for what it was and is?" So I come here for support. And while I'm here, I hope I can give support to others as payback for what I've received.
Tristan- if you like to read, there's a book called Toxic Parents you might find interesting. It's by Susan Forward and she discusses all types of abuse. In Part 2 are ways to start overcoming it without having to forgive your parents as a 'cure-all'.
Now i didn't do a 'confrontation' because i didn't think it would change anything. Therapy might also be a good route for you. It really helped me realize it wasn't me, it was them. And to work thru the anger i had, so i didn't take it out on others like my own spouse and kid.