I had an abortion when I was 19 and now I am 53 with no children. I do wonder what that child would have been like. I actually burst out in tears right before they started to scrape the uterus and I KNEW that it would be my only chance for a child. It was strange, I had no doubts at all and suddenly I burst into tears. I went through with the abortion and tried to tell myself that I was wrong about not having children but the years proved it to be true.

I was definetly too young to be a parent and would have been a terrible one. I didn't want to disrupt college and let me parents know that I was pregnat, and I didn't want to put a child up for adoption. Also the father was one of two boys, a bf at college and a home bf who went to another college. Both the guys knew I was involved with the other, so that was not an issue, I just didn't know whose it was. The guys were terrible, one was dense as dirt about the whole thing and the other one was so afraid that I had to comfort him.

I had two friends who both had abortions in college but they went on to have children. I know that one never had a second thought about the abortion or a later miscarriage. The other girl married the guy and had two more children so her kids would have had an older sibling.

I made the right decision for the time but sometimes I wonder.

Nope(Neither has my wife). I'm sure others can provide better answers then I.

Topping this for no other reason then so the morning crowd will have a chance to see it.

I'm really sorry that you feel this pain now. I never had an abortion so I don't know how it feels. But I think it is perfectly possible to feel sad about a decision, and still not regretting it at the same time.
You felt, and feel that is was the right thing to do.

The never having children in the rest of your life is then maybe another issue, not as related as you might feel.
You are sad that you didn't get to have a child under the 'right' circumstances.

I'm sorry, I'm not sure that I am expressing myself well. I really don't know how you feel, but I hope you are okay. And it's okay to be sad sometimes.

Becca Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------

> You are sad that you didn't get to have a child
> under the 'right' circumstances.

Thanks for your kind words. I think your quote above does sum it up. Unfortunately for me their was no right time, as I contracted a chronic fatigue disease in my mid twenties and also dealt with depression most of my life, along with chronic pain since I was 40.

I was involved with my three god children and my friends' kids and my sister adopted a daughter from China who is now 9, and I am very involved with her life.

I caught my older (never-mo) sister crying one day. To make a long story short, she told me she had an abortion in her early 20's. At the time she was married to her now ex-husband and she felt like she wasn't ready to be a mom.

Fast forward some 20+ years, she is now married to a great guy and has four kids. However, sometimes she thinks about the "oldest" and has regrets.

I actually am not sure why I'm writing anonymously for this since my screen name should be anonymous anyway but...

I had an abortion at 19 also, the circumstances were pretty desperate. I had been living with my boyfriend who basically wanted to kick me out if I didn't have an abortion, working part-time at a discount store so not a lot of money. When I called home to see if I could get help my Mom told me I was a big girl and to take care of it. (My mom is a TBM uber-bitch by the way)

So I did. There are times when I regret what I did and I relive the situation trying to figure out what other alternatives I might have had. I just know at the time I was desperate and I didn't see another way out. I was just grateful it was an option.

I did go on to have three beautiful kids that I love more than anything so I guess I was really lucky.

anonymous4this Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
I was just grateful it was an
> option.
>

Glad you have three children to offset that decision. Yes, your mother does sound like an uber bitch. That WAS her grandchild you were talking about. I wonder if she ever thought about that choice, as you have?

The fact that we had that option concerns me for the future. When I was 15 (1975) I wrote an opinion paper for school on abortion and my mother thought I was too young to have such an opinion, but I did have a very fierce opinion--Keep your laws off my body! I had no idea I would be needing those laws that allowed me to have a choice, and I think that every woman should have that option. THe bottom line is a woman's fetus is hers, and hers alone, not some right to lifer sitting on their ass deciding the course of a woman's life.

I admire you for struggling through these issues. It's terrible that so many women have go deal with these issues with little support from the males who were a part of the issue.

slimchance Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> I admire you for struggling through these issues.
> It's terrible that so many women have go deal with
> these issues with little support from the males
> who were a part of the issue.


I think we are defined in life by how we handle the things we don't know how to handle. The two guys in my life rated as zeros. One made fun of me because I could not carry a box fan up the stairs because I was having cramps. We broke up and got back together and once in reference to something about children he made the comment..."but we got rid of him." Just as I knew I would not have any more children I knew it was a girl.

I had one when I was 18 and in college. It was the result of a drunken rebound hookup with a guy I worked with. He was a senior and about to graduate and had no money. I never even told him. My mom and her parents were very supportive and my mom went with me and took care of me afterwards.

Whenever I wonder "what if," it's pretty clear that I made the right decision. I would have been a single mom in a depressed economy, with no education and no skills beyond fast food worker. My family had a "you play, you pay" policy, so I knew if I went through with it all, I'd be on my own with no emotional support, no help or babysitting, and no way to feed the kid and keep a roof over my head. Adoption was out because I could not even afford pregnancy and delivery. I'd have been a welfare mom waiting tables in a dying industrial town with a child I didn't want. I was sure I would resent that child for the rest of its life.

To this day, whenever I look back, I realize that was one of the most difficult, but best decisions I ever made in my life. I do not regret it at all. I spared that child a life of poverty, struggle, and possibly abuse. It wasn't conceived in love, it wasn't going to have two loving parents who wanted it. I still think it would have been selfish to go ahead and bring a child into the world when I did not have the resources to care for it properly.

It's something I never wanted to go through, but I don 't regret that choice. The circumstances surrounding the pregnancy were something right out of The Jerry Springer show.

I did have some issues for about a year afterwards, especially when the lilacs bloomed again, but I worked through those painful emotions and thoughts.

I made the right choice for myself and I'm ok with it.

I was in graduate school and had a steady BF. One night the birth control FAILED. I was in a panic. I was on a prescription medication that I was warned would cause severe birth defects in a fetus, so I had always been very cautious. This was before "morning-after" pills or any immediate emergency measures existed. So I waited anxiously for weeks for a sign that I was or was not pregnant (stopping the prescription meds at that time was not an option).

I went on to have one "period" so I didn't suspect a thing. Then I started feeling really, really sick a month or so later and went to the student health clinic for a check-up. The doctor ran a routine pregnancy test which came back positive. I was in shock. I was over 2 months along, so I knew the fetal heart was already damaged beyond repair from the medicine I'd been taking all along.

I desperately searched for doctors and specialists who could reassure me that my child would have a normal life. Four separate physicians told me the child would be born with very serious heart defects. One even told me, and I quote: "If you are some kind of masochist, you can go ahead with this pregnancy."

As I had grown up Catholic, I was horrified by the idea of abortion (for myself). I believed fervently in the option of adoption - but who would adopt a damaged baby that might never even leave the hospital?

I chose to have a medically-necessary abortion. It was the most gut-wrenching experience of my life.

A crazy pro-lifer (who had recently handcuffed himself to an operating table at the very same abortion clinic) was threatening to bomb the building that day. When we arrive first thing in the morning, there was a huge protest outside the clinic, a strong police presence, plus the media. I was working as a part-time TV reporter in a neighboring city at that time, and our sister-station was there. I was terrified my face would be caught on camera and blasted all over the 6:00 news.

Volunteers escorted me and my BF into the clinic and shielded us with large golf umbrellas.

It was a horrible, horrible emotionally-draining day. I stayed in the clinic for 4 hours after my procedure to avoid passing the television cameras again on our way back out. We waited until every last reporter was packed up and gone. The nurses and other patients who chose to stay with me during the seige were some of the most compassionate people I've ever met in my life.

I wrote about my experiences in a landmark Roe vs Wade Anniversary double-issue of Ms. Magazine in 1988. (???) The front page is black and red and the headline screams: "IT'S WAR!" I wrote it under the pen name "Sarah Mills." I still have a hard copy somewhere. I've tried and tried over the years to google the 4-page article, but it doesn't come up in MS. magazine's back issues for me. Somebody feel free to find it if you can.

All that being said, I think I've felt I needed to "atone" for that abortion my whole entire life. I'm certain it's the reason I've fostered/adopted so many special-needs children . . . just to prove to myself that I could have done it.

I regret my decision. And if I had to do it over again, I would have given life to that sick little baby.



Edited 4 time(s). Last edit at 02/25/2013 11:28PM by shannon.

No. I had a hard time coming to terms with it for a few years afterward, mostly due to the shame I was getting from family and friends, but I know it was the right decision for me given my circumstances at the time.

Yes, I have had one.
I sometimes think of the child that might of been but my belief system does not include any guilt for it.
This is a very hard and inflammatory subject for many and I acknowledge that.
but for me ..
No regrets and I stand by my decision with a clear mind.

My wife had an abortion years before I met her, and (just my take mind you) every time the abortion issue is mentioned, she's gets strident; I think she regrets it and her way of dealing with it is to be militantly pro-abortion rights.

Still, I'm glad she had the option.

Donning my flame-retardant suit......

Chicken N. Backpacks Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> My wife had an abortion years before I met her,
> and (just my take mind you) every time the
> abortion issue is mentioned, she's gets strident;
> I think she regrets it and her way of dealing with
> it is to be militantly pro-abortion rights.
>
> Still, I'm glad she had the option.
>
> Donning my flame-retardant suit......

She may have had some regrets but the truth is that a choice was made based on who we were at the time and the situation. If I was put back in time I am sure I would do the same thing. I can't see how I could have raised a child given what went on in my life afterwards.

I believe in reincarnation so I don't think the soul of that child is dead, it just went to some other baby born to some other parents. Or maybe it will be born to me in my next life.

I got a woman pregnant in my 20s. She wanted an abortion, so I paid for half. We later married, then divorced. I have no children, so I wonder sometimes what that child would have been like today in their 30s.

I think there's always regret, or at least wistfulness with any big life decision. Even if it turns out well, there's always the speculation about what might have happened. When things don't go well, the speculation can become pain.

twojedis Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> I think there's always regret, or at least
> wistfulness with any big life decision. Even if it
> turns out well, there's always the speculation
> about what might have happened. When things don't
> go well, the speculation can become pain.


I totally agree with this. If you had a baby you would probably sit there wondering what your life would be like if you hadn't.

I feel bad for the OP because there isn't any source of info about this that isn't political. The place with the most freedom to speak is probably a therapist's office unfortunately.

Which I am very thankful for. Of course, birth control fails sometimes, although not for me.

As a Mom, and as someone who was pregnant, I think people (particularly men) forget how difficult pregnancy can be. I've known women who get this rash in tje third trimester....I puked throughout my late first and midway second.

And pregnancy is still deadly for women. Watching Downton Abbey drove that home for me. It's not about selfishness.

Many women terminate the pregnancies bc they already have young children. They know they can't be a good mother to the kids they already have.

I believe life is full of hard choices. I personally believe birth control should be free for everyone. Abortion rates have gone down as birth control is available.

So I support a woman's right to choose, and her right to risk death (or not) by continuing a pregnancy. It is a very complicated issue, and not always cut and dry.

I wonder if ppl regret an abortion like they regret a divorce....a necessary step. For divorce, ppl often regret the marriage, not deciding to end the marriage.

I was so mad because I was using birth control. I got pregnant either by a condom or diaphram and spermicide. Since there was usually enough spermicide to drown even the most vigorous sperm, I assume it was the condom. I felt like I was doing the right thing and I ended up a pregnant teenager (I had the abortion a month and half before I turned 20). I then looked at birth control methods and noticed that they had a failure rate but I never thought of them before. I was one of those small percentages.

At the time, I didn't feel I had much choice. Mostly I didn't want to be a single mom and didn't want to deal with my parents, although they would have been supportive. I'd also had quite a lot to drink and even done a bit of coke, as I recall. I was only a couple years out of Mormonism and, while I didn't believe in that, I had the idea that I'd be karmically punished with birth defects. I was also nauseous and throwing up around the clock.

And finally, the guy I believe was the father wasn't someone I wanted to be tangled up with for the next 18 years. He was very smart and an OK guy--the only one who's ever loved me for my mind, which I've always missed--but he was also a bum ... bouncer, biker, liftie, still lived with his mom at 33 (I was 22). He may have loved my mind, but I don't think he really loved me. He also had an 11-year-old daughter he hardly ever saw, for reasons I don't know.

The other possibility was a very nice former RM who turned out to be a one-night stand. He'd told me he was divorced, but he was so insanely guilt ridden I think he probably wasn't divorced, or else he still had a huge load of Mormon baggage.

The abortion was humiliating--not so much the procedure itself, but the process of getting it--and painful, but mostly it was a huge relief. I didn't really consider the other options, didn't regret it, and still don't. But I do sometimes think about the child, who would be 29 now.

My life would have been completely different. The guy I ended up marrying probably wouldn't have been interested, for example, and that would have been a good thing. I wouldn't have my son who's now almost 24, either, and even that would be OK.

I went ahead and had him even though my marriage was long past over, because I wanted a child and thought it might be my only chance. The thing about having children is, like getting married, you don't know you could have done without it until you've done it. But unlike the marriage, it can't be undone. Much as I love my son and my cute new granddaughter, given a do-over with knowledge, I'd pick a good partner and go child-free.

The only thing I regret about the abortion is how I told the probable father--after the fact, in a vindictive way. That was really immature.



Edited 3 time(s). Last edit at 02/25/2013 05:50PM by munchybotaz.

Getting an abortion was when I first saw that male doctors were assholes (not all of them, but I have met many over the last 30 years). When I started crying the doctor said in an irratated and sarcastic tone of voice to me, "so, what are we going to do, here?".

I went to the university health clinic for the follow up check up and the doctor looked at me, looked at his clipboard and said "How many abortions have you had?" WTF? Wasn't one enough at the age of 19?

Two months later I had very heavy bleeding and thought it was related to the abortion. I was hospitalized and I told the doctor I didn't want my parents to know I had an abortion. He was in his early 60's I would say. He used to come in the morning to examine me and would push my nightgown up above my breasts and then squeeze my nipples "To check for discharge" and then pull dowm my underwear down to check the amount of blood on the pad, but then he would just stand and stare at my naked teenage body. I guess it gave him lots of wanking material. F-ing pervert.

I didn't see another male gynocologist until I was 40 and then I got two more pervs. When I was young there were not many women gynocologists, they were mostly foreign trained, but I had enough of asshole men.

Was this in Utah? I am asking because when I became sexually active in the early 70's, I went to Planned Parenthood in SLC to get birthcontrol. The male doctor who examined me HURT me during the pelvic exam, enough so that I NEVER went to another man for gyne care. I did continue to go to Planned Parenthood for many years (always asking for a female practioner) as the payments were on a sliding scale according to your income. PP was basically my only health care for many years as I could not afford (with my salary) going to a regular doctor. Bless them!

moira Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Was this in Utah? I am asking because when I
> became sexually active in the early 70's, I went
> to Planned Parenthood in SLC to get birthcontrol.
> The male doctor who examined me HURT me during the
> pelvic exam, enough so that I NEVER went to
> another man for gyne care. I did continue to go
> to Planned Parenthood for many years (always
> asking for a female practioner) as the payments
> were on a sliding scale according to your income.
> PP was basically my only health care for many
> years as I could not afford (with my salary) going
> to a regular doctor. Bless them!


My experience happened in Maryland in 1980. However I think many male doctors of that time has the "I'm an arrogent, patronizing, asshole syndrome"

I should have said the doctors had the "I'm an arrogent, patronizing, asshole syndrome" PLUS the ones who were pervs.

Like the one who INSISTED on giving a full breast exam with EVERY VISIT and he would knead my breasts like a kitten drinking milk. After the second visit with him that was it. Also, he asked me what I used for birth control and I said my bf had a vasectomy. To which he replied, "so you don't want any chidren", more as statement of fact not as a question. No....a bf with a vasectomy does not mean I never want children.

However, when I was 18, unmarried and pregnant I was really glad for the option. It turned an accidental pregnancy into a planned child and I believe that made me a better mother to my son.

I have a slightly different viewpoint.

My mother got pregnant with me as an 18yo trainee nurse, to a loser boyfriend. She went to see an older nurse and went through what she thought was an abortion (this is before the were legal here, an illegal abortion). In spite of getting very ill, the abortion failed and she remained pregnant, marrying my father less than two months before I was born, in a shotgun wedding. She soon divorced him, was converted to Mormonism and remarried.

After her conversion she became a very "prolife", and claimed to be grateful that the abortion had failed and used her story to "educate" others (this is why I know all about this episode).

I don't feel this way. Having me so early ruined her life, and ruined my life. I don't consider that I existed until I developed self awareness sometime after birth, and if "souls" do exist, I would have been much better off being born to someone else. My mother was too young and emotionally immature to raise a child. I was abused as a child, and I find it very hard to get over the bitterness, and have had mood disorders myself due to my childhood. Joining the church did not help at all, and I strongly believe that the situation she found herself in made her vulnerable to recruitment by the cult.

If she had finished her nursing training then (she did return years later) she would have been secure and had a chance to mature emotionally. She was ambitious as a young girl, and wanted a career. Having a child, joining a cult and being indoctrinated to be a breeding machine totally crushed my mother. She is now bitter, regretful, and disappointed. She lives a medicated and fantasy prone life, persisting only to go to the celestial kingdom where everything will be better.

Because she was so immature raising me, the bad (to downright awful) child raising patterns and habits she developed continued with her rapidly appearing subsequent children (10 live births, and some adopted children). We lived in poverty throughout, and my parents are now facing retirement with no assets or savings. Most of the children now have "issues", a few of us matured late and grew out of the problems, but I am the only one with completed tertiary education. Not one child remained in the church or even went on a mission, which contributes to my mother's sense of failure.

If my mother had successfully aborted me, she would probably have had a much better life, and any later (planned) children would probably have been happier and better adjusted as well. I doubt she would have been vulnerable to conversion, particularly if she had finished her education first. Maybe she would wonder about her "first" child; she had at least 3 miscarriages during her breeding years and she sometimes wonders about them too. If the abortion had worked, she would never have known of the bullet she and her happier family missed. I have never been "grateful" that the abortion failed, I spent most of my first 20 years wishing I had never been born; if abortions had been legal and safe at the time, so much misery would have been avoided.

I am ardently prochoice. It is an awful situation to have to choose, but abortion protects not only the woman but potential and future children as well.

I am the result of an "accidental" pregnancy. Both of my parents resented me and my childhood was quite hellish for me. I would have preferred never having been born myself, although I am finally happy with my life and my own two wonderful children and their children. But that doesn't change the fact that my parents would have been better off without me and I still would choose not to be born rather than go through my childhood.

My mom used to tell me I was an "accident" all the time. It was very hurtful. I'm eight years younger than my next older sibling and always felt like my parents resented me for crashing their empty nest party. My sisters felt more like aunts than sisters and I often felt like a disappointment.

I was lucky enough to have a lot of adults who liked me and looked after me, but I remember often wishing I hadn't been born when I was growing up. I wish every child was wanted and had parents that could take care of them properly.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 02/26/2013 12:26PM by knotheadusc.

Thank you for posting that. Yours was exactly the situation I was trying to avoid when I made my choice.

To the OP -- Have you heard of Exhale? Just google that with "abortion regret," and you can find the site. (I don't know if I can link to it here.)

"Exhale" offers a place for people to give voice to their abortion regrets in a supportive atmosphere where their stories will not be exploited for political purposes. You might want to check them out.

But a few things in your post struck me -- Why didn't you have children later? Was there never a good time, place, and partner? In that case, the abortion was not the cause of your childlessness -- everything was. And I didn't know what to make of your bursting into tears because you "knew" you would never have children. I don't know how one would "know" that. Was your life self-fulfilling prophecy?

That abortion makes women sterile is pro-life rhetoric. Studies have shown that actually live births or a miscarriages (spontaneous abortions) are more likely to make a woman sterile than abortions. In fact, physicians often recommend abortion to terminate a difficult pregnancy to protect the woman's fertility.

I'm sorry things did not work out for you, and your past is causing you current pain, but it is good to keep in mind that you can't second-guess your future self. Many, many women give up children for adoption and later regret the choice. With the power of hindsight, they feel they could have raised the child -- and perhaps they are right. That does not make adoption a bad choice or wrong. I know of one woman who occasionally regrets that she did NOT give her child up for adoption as she thinks perhaps her daughter would have done better in another home with two parents and more money. And I know of people who regret having kids. I don't know what to make of any of it. I think mostly it means that most of us change over the course of our lives, and most of us have made one decision in our past we lived to regret.

Sometimes that decision is converting to a religion we later grow to dislike. Or staying in the religion of our youth long after we have stopped getting anything out it.

If you stay stuck in regret, therapy so you can move on might be in order.

But maybe that is a good rule of thumb not just for women who regret their abortions, but for all of us.

One thing that I didn't comment on in my original response - the idea that I KNEW it was my only chance when I went through the abortion.

I did that too when I was 22. I was sitting in that recovery chair, staring up at the ceiling (because none of us in that recovery room were looking at each other). I just KNEW that I'd given up my only chance to be a mother. Absolutely knew it with every fiber of my being.

And I was wrong because I"m now looking at birth within the next four weeks.

I think the regret and what-ifs are okay. We all have massive choices in life that would make such huge changes in our life direction, it's only natural to ask what would have happened if we made the other choice. But really - we never can know what would have happened. Life simply isn't that concrete that if you chose X, Y always happens.

Do I sometimes wonder about what would have happened? Absolutely. And that's okay. But I made the decision, and while a difficult (and to some people, abhorrent) one, I made it and accept it as the one I needed to make at the time.

But for the grace of God there go I.

I've never had an abortion. I had two roomates who did. They were both a crying sobbing mess over the topic. They both kept a little area with something that would have been the babies. There was a candle to burn. It was a ritual full of heartbreak, what if's, and deep sadness that was smothered with guilt. The men involved didn't seem to care, and weren't interested in the subject of their children and what had happened to them. Snuffing out life and being left with a man with no emotions was by far some of the most devastating scenes i've witnessed.

Moving on. I'm 25. I'm single and in a long distance relationship. I have no idea what he does when were apart, and vs.versa. I come to realize i'm pregnant almost 6 months along. I can't say why, but i'm sure it's a boy. My BF mostly sits in stunned silence. He has his own history to deal with. It's not pretty. I go to sleep out on a raft in the river. I lay there all night watching the incredible beauty of nature. The full moon, fish jumping, owls hooty whooing, and cyotes howling like I would like to be. Long drawn out,lonely and sad. I know that the early morning sun will show it's face and put a stop to my urge to howl, or at least put it in a paper sack.

A boat goes by and the water sloshes up onto the makeshift dock we've been sleeping on. My boyfriend rolls over, and wraps his body around mine until i'm in a cocoon; I've never felt this safe. An orange ball of sun is sliding up over the hills and the water is rocking us in a comforting slap slap against the dock. For a while, it's us. Just us, and the baby. He sobs quietly on my shoulder. Swearing he's never loved anyone like he's loved me and his baby.

For a fleeting moment I feel beautiful, safe, loved, cared for, like everything is the world is right. Then, with a sob in his voice he said the words I knew were coming. You know I love you. You know we can't keep this baby. I wanted to put my arms around my baby and fly away. Far far away. I wanted this baby. With or without him. I had a good job. Medical insurance, and free daycare. I told him I was going to keep the baby. he would be mine, not his. He was very upset. He wanted me to abort. I told him I would think about it for 2 more weeks. I went home, and back to work.

I came home from work and was so exhausted. I layed there and wondered what it would be like to get peach ice cream on demand.
Suddenly, it was if a dam had burst. There was blood everywhere. I tried to stay calm, and put a big thick bath towel between my legs. I called a friend who drove 30 miles to come and get me. He rushed me to the hospital, picked me up and carried me into the ER, They took me right away. They sedated me, and did a D&C on me (no, not that stupid book). They returned me to my sobbing friend for him to take care of me. It was a quiet ride home.

As soon as we arrived I was on the phone telling the father of the child what had just happened. He sounded so relived. There was no comfort, no compassion, no sadness. I hung up the phone knowing I'd never talk to him again.

The next day I boxed up the little baby things I had. My baby was dead. I had two days off work. I laid in bed and cried. The day after that I went back to work like nothing had happened. Life went on. I didn't miss a beat. I felt like a robot that had no value, no reason for being. My baby died, and nobody except me seemed to care, and life moved on.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 02/26/2013 12:28PM by Mia.

I had two back-to-back miscarriages (years after my abortion).

Grueling. Heart-wrenching despair. Emotional pain like I've never experienced (of course I felt guilty and thought God was punishing me for aborting my first child, but I know that's not your case).

Don't let ANYONE tell you your baby wasn't "real." He was. And he was yours. And you loved him. Allow yourself to grieve, because you have truly experienced a death.

((((hugs))))

Love,
Shannon

No words other than to say +1 to Shannon - just huge hugs coming your way, Mia.

+1 from me, too. I'm so sorry for your pain.

I got pregnant after finally giving up on getting pregnant. I had tried unsuccessfully for years to conceive (including numerous attempts involving fertility clinic procedures that my husband resented being put through). Of course after not even being able to get pregnant by paying big bucks for doctors to try to "force" my body into pregnancy, I didn't figure I needed any birth control so I didn't use any. Years after I gave up on my dreams of finding out I was pregnant, I turned up pregnant. I told my husband -- he was not amused -- by this time we were "too old" in his mind. (I was thrilled to be pregnant but was admittedly somewhat concerned about birth defects because I was certainly nearing the age where that becomes much more common.) I found it hard to know that he wasn't excited for the baby -- it was something I wanted to share and celebrate with him, not feel like I had to apologize for it. (Not trying to paint him as a jerk...he is not....he didn't order me not to have the baby or anything....I just knew he did not think the news that I was pregnant was good news. That's all.) I ended up one day in sudden, severe pain that just would not go away. He rushed me to the ER and we found out our baby was implanted in the fallopian tube and not the uterus and that there was no chance that this baby would survive regardless of the decision I made. The doctors told me the pain was because the baby had broken the tube open and I was bleeding internally and that my choices were to either let them remove the tubal pregnancy and stop the bleeding via surgery or to do nothing and let my embryo die with me as I bled to death. It was a hard decision for me even though I didn't really have a "choice." What I wanted was for the baby to be okay, but neither choice offered that option. I think one of the most painful things about it was that I knew my husband, even though he didn't say so and he tried to do nice things like wait on me while I recovered from the surgery, was happy that it turned out that we didn't have to have that baby. It made the loss I was feeling so acutely feel exponentially more lonesome. Thinking back on it, I know I was in pretty intense physical pain at the time I went to the ER, but when I think back on it the only pain I really remember (and still feel to some extent) is the emotional pain that the baby I already loved was being ripped from me and I couldn't do anything to prevent losing him. That the baby's dad was secretly relieved about that fact made it harder on me.

I'm so sorry you had to be in that kind of emotionally painful place, Mia.

To the OP, I don't know what to say other than what has already been said. You did what you thought was the best option for the variables in place at the time. That's all you can do. I'm sorry for your struggle. Some people think abortion is such a black-and-white issue and that women make the choice lightly. I can tell from your post and from my own experience that this very often could not be further from the truth.

My Mom did NOT abort me . . . but she later regretted it.