I've seen at least a few posters who have indicated that they will serve missions--regardless of how incompatible posting on this board is with belief and missionary service.

I assume this is because of certain family expectations or restrictions (however unreasonable or unenforceable such limitations may be at the typical age of missionary service for young men and young women). So, whatever your reason for missionary service despite your disbelief or alternative beliefs, let the board help you serve with dignity whilst preserving your sanity and maximizing your opportunities.

First--If you go and you decide you really do want to stick it out, for whatever reason: pursuing a middle-of-the road course will help you stay under the radar while still permitting you to captain your own ship. Stray to far left or right of center and you endanger your balance--you will also likely make yourself a target of one kind or another. Be wary of being too visible... First establish a reputation for being staid, then feel free to bend and break minor rules. Don't go full bore right out of the gate.

If you go and decide you really don't want to stick it out, for whatever reason, you have a couple of options:

A. Quit or get sent home in a spectacular manner (i.e., get caught in a drunken orgy by your Mission President or buy a plane ticket home and arrange a surreptitious get-away before anyone else is the wiser).

B. Go home quietly, possibly retaining your "return with honor status"--get injured (only some injuries will warrant getting sent home). I don't recommend this. However, it is possible to fake psychiatric problems so as to render yourself seemingly unfit for duty. Don't be dramatic--instead, just emphasize your own regular neuroses (we all have them!) to the point that your companion and Mission President notice. If they don't, raise the red flag yourself and indicate that you are really worried about yourself. If you evince enough maladjustment, you might get the golden ticket you desire (I have a few stories about observing this kind of thing first-hand--feel free to ask if you want to hear them).

Now that that is out of the way...

Some basic rules for playing the game so as to not come out a serious loser:

1. Protect this house: your health and your wellbeing are YOUR NUMBER ONE concern--your Mission President won't care, your companion won't care, and your mission physician won't care. It goes without saying that the Lord doesn't give a damn, either. Don't get a tapeworm that will plague you for life. Don't develop chronic illnesses from the stress. Etc. etc. etc. Seriously, monitor yourself and at the first sign of distress get the attention you need and deserve. This may come at some cost (defying your Mission President, for example)--whatever it is, it is not worth endangering your own health and well-being in the service of a silent God and a fallacious religion. I can't stress this enough.

2. Middle of the road--I referenced this above. Seriously, it won't pay to be a nail sticking up waiting for hammer blows to fall. Play the middle of the road and you will be fine. Pardon my French, but keep your damn mouth shut, unless you are absolutely certain of whom you are talking to; i.e., the mission is a gossip hot bed. If you let it slip how you really feel, you are in for a world of hurt. This is fucking Stepford Wives, so get real. Don't talk. In your sleep. Ever.

3. Do no harm--don't teach falsehoods etc. If you must teach, teach true Church history and doctrines with enthusiasm (Joseph had 30+ wives! The temple used to require death oaths, but we did away with them! Did you know that blacks couldn't get the priesthood until the '70's! Be sure to mention tithing right away...). This will confuse investigators and prompt them to look further (especially if you encourage them to Google Joseph Smith, Helen Mar Kimball, etc.). Don't lead these people into the waters of baptism knowing that you don't believe a word of it. Do not harm. Enough said.

4. Use your time wisely: eighteen months or two years is a very long time that you could be gaining expertise in something else. So make this a priority. Educate yourself (read good books--a reading list appears below). Hone your talents (art, music, writing, etc.). Develop excellent people skills. If you are speaking a foreign language, learn it and learn it well. No excuses. Invest, pay the price, and reap the rewards. Someday you might need to translate MormonThink into Mandarin or something...

Don't waste your exercise time in the morning. You could return with honor able to do 100 push ups in a row without stopping, or with an extra 30 lbs. You decide. Running, biking, calisthenics, etc. are a great way to exercise without equipment.

If you would like links to great, simple exercise programs let me know--for the record, I can do 100 push ups in a row, 20 pull ups in a row, and 100 sit ups in a row inside of two minutes per each exercise; I'm not bragging, just letting you know that I actually have some knowledge and experience I can share. You owe it to yourself to make the most of this time.

5. Sleep. If you need more, make sure you get it (I don't care how, just do it)--if you have to pretend that you are an insomniac and can only sleep in the afternoon so as to get in an hour nap every day, do it. This is all a part of stress management, which also includes regular exercise, meditation, self-monitoring (see rule 1), eating right (ask for links if you need them...), and not being anybody's bitch.

6. P-Day--maximize it! Don't sit around doing laundry and all of the other BS they want you to do. Get out, see local sites. Go to the zoo, an art museum, etc. Be sure as hell not to do any missionary work on P-Day (at least until 6 PM, when you have to go back to the grindstone anyway).

7. Stay hydrated. No, really. Drink water throughout the day so you are peeing clear. Plants die when they don't get enough water. So do people. This is about being mindful and remembering to take good care of yourself. This is also about hydration. I believe in it. Whatever.

That's about it. I'm sure other posters will have some good ideas, too.

Now for that reading list:

Demon-haunted World: Science as a Candle in the Dark, Carl Sagan

Philosophical Thoughts of a Fighter Pilot, Jim Stockdale

Enchiridion, Epictetus

Anything by Plato, Socrates, etc.

Tale of Two Cities, Charles Dickens

Jurassic Park, Michael Crichton (its bitchin'!) This is just a reminder to read something fun, too, as needed. Educational material is crucial and great, but when you need to read something fun, that's cool, too...

The True Believer and the Ordeal of Change, Eric Hoffer

All books by Kurt Vonnegut

Short stories by Ray Bradbury--also Fahrenheit 451

A Brave New World, Aldous Huxley

We, Yevgeny Zamyatin

Animal Farm and 1984, George Orwell

All books by Albert Camus

That's all I can think of right now. It is late. I'll add more tomorrow as they come to me...

Also--take time to dream. Dream of the future. Make plans. Weigh them. And when you get home, shed the mission like an old coat and move forward with your life. Good luck!

I hope the poor sap going in tomorrow sees this before his incarceration...

I think overall this is an excellent piece of advice. If your going to do something out of feeling compelled to by others you had best make the most if it.

I particularly enjoyed you rules involving coming home early. I have had a few family members come home because they "weren't prepared spiritually" and they had a big fat X placed on them for a few years and I think my mother likened it that my cousin coming home from his mission was worse than when my brother was sentenced to 5- life in the state penitentiary. Ridiculous.

It's actually really easy to get sent home honorably these days.
Just have migraines EVERY day. You don't have to even tell the mission president... in fact it's better if you don't.

Just have severe & debilitating migraines all the time, but keep telling your trainer that you are good, despite obviously showing severe pain.

The trainer will tell the Mission Pres, who will ask you about it, and you just break down and cry and say you don't understand what's going on.

Bada bing, bada boom, you get an honorable discharge for medical reasons.

I have a friend who has "knee problems" (he might have some pain, but mostly he just used it as an excuse) & got honorably discharged after a couple months, despite being in a mission with cars.

...but good luck to any who may endeavor to be a missionary even when they know the church is true (or even if they are just NOM).
I couldn't do it if I were you, but I do understand the strong family pressures.

I have seen something similar, including a missionary who determined that he was unable to get the medicine he needed in-country (or import it himself) so he MUST get sent home...

Another Elder who had knee problems, but no obvious injury there-to etc. They did an x-ray--nothing. The mission doc said that it must be psychological, which is an equally good reason to go home...

This was ten years ago or so. I'm not sure about the headache thing. That sounds too easy. But if that's the way they do business now, why is anyone on a mission at all? It's just too easy.

For my part, I persevered through intense psychological distress (enough to send anyone home). So stupid. I was even a damn AP, for crying out loud. What a waste of time and personal wellbeing.

FYI--I have also seen elders with broken arms, wrists, etc. who stayed in-country. Sound the depths and get the lay of the land before you fake an injury (or actually injure yourself...) in order to get sent home. Again, I don't recommend actually injuring yourself. Seems to be easier ways to get sent home if that's what you want...

I broke my ankle right before I left my first area (about Feb 2003) while playing basketball with some rough guys.

It swelled so large that it filled the entire space available in my pant-leg.

I was so TBM that I kept working hard, because "I knew god would make me able" & Jeff Holland kept telling us "I want you to work yourself nearly to death. When you go home on the airplane on that last day, I want you to collapse, because you have nothing left to give. Better yet, I want you to collapse the night before and be taken home on a stretcher. Give it up. Give it all up to the Lord." [I am paraphrasing, but I am NOT exaggerating. Most of those phrases are verbatim, it's the connective words that are paraphrased].

So my ankle stayed hugely swollen for about 3 months, and had some swelling until well after my mission.

To this day (10 years later) my wife still gets grossed out at the nasty grinding and popping noises my ankle makes.

My business partner still suffers severe intestinal pain due to parasites he got on the mission (served at the same time I did, so it's been a decade).

...so my point is 2 fold:
1) Citizen is right. Don't injure yourself. It isn't worth it.
2) Just being on a mission may cause you irreparable harm. Please be careful. I used physical examples, because they are easy, but there are many stories of long-term psychological harm.

Here is some more advice

-It's ok to play with the stats, break the rules and to let the rantings of MP, APs and ZLs and DLs, etc. go in one ear and leave by the other without staying in.

-It is better to follow your gutt feelings instead of the rules.

-Give more importance to people than to the church (which is contradictory to the rule) and don't feel guilty about it.

Great thread and advice.

here are a couple of additional suggestions FWIW.

1. The number one thing to remember is that YOU ARE A UNPAID VOLUNTEER, providing your time on your own nickel on behalf of the cult. You are not an employee nor are you legally bound to obey any representative of the mission or the cult at any time. What you choose to do as a volunteer is completely up to you. DO NOT FORGET THIS.

2. In this regard, RETAIN YOUR PASSPORT. In many countries it is customary for the mission president to collect your passport and other travel documents, making it impossible to leave or otherwise keep control over your choices. Merely smile and tell the MP that you are retaining these documents and it is non-negotiable in a fast-changing world.

3. RETAIN ACCESS TO ADDITIONAL FUNDS. In many missions your funds are completely controlled by the mission, and you may be issued a mission credit card or in other ways be completely dependent on the mission to get at your money. Do not allow this under any circumstances, as there are plenty of stories about missionaries struggling to get enough to eat. Make sure you have access to another bank account, credit card or ATM card so that you can look after yourself and meet your own needs. Do not rely on the cult to do this for you.

4. As an unpaid volunteer, you have more choice over your activities than you think or are led to believe. As Citizen says, quietly use your time to provide charitable service to people and forget about teaching false concepts as much as possible. When you have to teach or testify do so as much as possible about christian service. (I know that the concepts of christ's love are true). Resist tracting and contacting as much as possible. Now since there are all kinds of quotas and leader boards where all these activities are tracked, expect to get flack and pressure over your "poor" performance, but at the end of the day you have to live with yourself. As Quebec says, please pad your stats or do what you have to so you can be left alone as much as possible.

5. You will be in a new city or country. Don't be a fool and miss seeing everything! Part of your responsibility is to become culturally literate. Use EVERY opportunity to enrich your cultural literacy by going to every museum, historical site, attraction and park. People will be happy to take you there and talk your ear off about everything -- especially if you don't sell them your cult religion. Let people do this and report it as contacting or whatever. Make sure you take every opportunity to experience your mission fully. Lobby your companions hard on this point and sell them on the need to be culturally literate.

6. I agree also with the advice to exercise regularly and use this time to the fullest to adopt a lifetime habit of exercise and physical fitness. Join a gym. Hike in local parks. Do this every day (just like you are commanded).

7. I also agree that you should use every hour of your study time to read books and learn about the world. Don't apologize for this to anyone -- as it is completely sensible that you will be better at communicating the more you have a broad range of knowledge. If you must learn a language, jump in with both feet. There are few opportunities to spend so much time in such an immersive environment linguistically. Work to come away from your mission with a working expertise in a new language. This my be the MOST VALUABLE take-away from a foreign mission. Don't squander the opportunity.

8. Finally, understand that you are a volunteer that owes no one an explanation for anything you do or say or think. Just because someone asks you does not mean you need to disclose your views or opinions. Tell the mission president or others whatever you wish but generally very little except that you are fine and doing fine and everything is fine and your relationship with god is fine (can I go now?). If you are to avoid stress you will do much better if you understand that the cult leaders have no real authority or power at all. They don't have any access to any special knowledge and they have no real interest in you as a person for the most part, only that you be a good little cult salesman. Don't invest in pleasing them or concerning yourself with their agenda since you can't ever win no matter what you do. Focus on managing your own healthy world and try hard to keep your psychological boundary lines intact.

Great observations, rodolfo--especially about keeping your passport in your possession. This was an oversight on my part. DO NOT let them take it! Rodolfo's advice to retain your own authority etc. is also a good reminder that you are in charge of you--absolutely no one else is in control of you. No one. If possible, also heed the advice to have access to your own funds. You may need them in an emergency for whatever reason (buy your own food, a plane ticket home, etc.).

Good luck! I hope others chime in. We have a lot of ex-Mormon/RM experience on the board...

As for the foreign missions and language training:

Read everything you can get your hands on. They will tell you that the Book of Mormon will be enough. Not so. Think of this: would you like to speak like you were reading the Book of Mormon out loud all the time? No. Pick up freebie newspapers and magazines--read the language as it's used in the modern idiom.

Ask language questions all the time; keep a language notebook for vocabulary acquisition.

Invest in a good dictionary. I spent heavily on mine--it's helped me a TON.

Definitely set language goals. Once the language starts to actually make some sort of sense, DON'T STOP. I saw too many missionaries who got to the point where they could get by, and then they stopped studying it. One of the biggest compliments someone gave me was, "Elder, I like talking to you because I don't feel like I have to dumb down my language."

This is good advice.

I second buying a quality dictionary and keeping a language journal/notebook. Write everything down--particularly w/ context (vocabulary is easy to acquire--usage is more important and more difficult).

Read everything out loud (signs, product information, etc.). Listen actively and repeat what others say out loud. Ask about everything that strikes your curiosity and everything you don't understand. This goes without saying: be curious!

Learning a language can be extremely gratifying and with discipline you can be great. Immersion is the golen ticket in this case. Take advantage of it!

I sincerely hope that anyone with enough desire for truth and doubt in TSCC to be on this board will have more common sense to serve (what a ridiculous word in the context!) a mission.

However, if you are determined to do so, for whatever reason, as a former missionary, I have to chime in, referencing points put out by the original poster.

#1 - Absolutely true! If you are sick, don't feel good or have something weird going on with your body or mind, ignore your comp, DL, ZL, AP and MP. Go to the doctor,insist. I ended up with a permanent serious heart malfunction, a permanently compromised immune system and permant lung dysfunction because my MP didn't think I was sick enough to go to the Dr. and I was stupid/faithful enough to go along with it. Take care of yourself!

#2 - Again, right on. Be "good enough." If you must do this, just do the basics. Don't excel, don't be horrible. If you can't not be horrible because you are overwhelmingly disgusted with the process, this is not something you should be doing, go home.

#3 - Do no harm - you do not have to teach things you don't believe. Just become mute at opportune times. If your comp can't fill in, well, wasn't meant to be. Also, just enjoy the people you meet. One of the positive things about my mission was I met some incredibly cool people. A gay couple who made candles and sold them at the mall, a Catholic priest who was leaving to get married and some super cool old people (not the crazy ones). I went on splits a couple times and got in trouble for not pushing hard enough, but these people had their own beliefs and I felt it was wrong. Plus, I liked them!

#4 - Learn how to use the skills you are learning. A language, sales skills, whatever. Make them count. I promise, more research has gone into how to sell this religion than Phillip Morris put into selling ciggies If you take the sales lessons for what they are, you'll be selling sand to people in Saudi Arabia in no time.

#5 - Sleep. Absolutely correct. Make sure you get enough. Exercise too. If you want to exercise and your comp doesn't, tough sh*(. Make them walk along if you want to run, whatever. Don't let their laziness affect your health.

#6 - P-day - agreed - maximize it! See and do whatever you can! Especially if there are members around who are willing to take you to whatever is local that is cool - do it! If you have to do laundry another day it's not the end of the world. Plus, make friends with and enjoy members who offer you opportunities to experience local culture during the week whenever possible too.

#7 - Ditto - drink water & stay hydrated! This kind of goes along with taking care of yourself. Do it. Plus, take advantage of free meals whenever possible!

Ok, no my contributions:

1 - If someone threatens you for any reason and the DL, WML or MP tells you to go forward and "have faith," don't. If someone is threatening you, take it seriously and insist on changes. Yes, personal experience.

2 - If you have a crazy insane comp that is making your life hell, insist on a change, over and over and over again until it happens.

3 - Make friends with the cool people in the ward. They will help keep you sane.

4 - If you go into a house and there are dead cats lying along the walls, leave and run away. Immediately.

5 - No matter what your ZL tells you, do not walk across a semi frozen lake in April.

6 - Do not count on being a missionary to protect you from wild animals. Won't work. Use common sense.

7 - Have fun. Especially if you know going into it that the whole thing is a crock, enjoy the time you have and enjoy the people you get the chance to meet.

8 - Treat people with respect. Whether they are members, investigators or whatever, treat them all with respect. It comes back, karma is only a bitch if you are. : )

Well said spdwdone. You make a good point about insisting until appropriate changes happen--stand up for yourself and don't let anyone tell you no where your help and wellbeing are concerned.

You make a good point about getting out if you can't not behave horribly. Fact is--if your health really is being affected and/or you simply don't fit in (your values don't reflect the values of the average Mormon missionary) and you are suffering for it then it is probably a good time to throw in the towel. You can do it constructively, though, so as to "return with honor." All's well that ends well! Acting skills aren't just for the movies...