This is a Recovery board, and as such, I have given a lot of thought to what that means in my life.

Recovery, is defined for my own personal situation as The Exit Process from Mormonism.

My experience and observation is that it's a highly personalized, individualized process. No two people or families are the same. It requires dealing with a large number of variables, and family dynamics. It involves taking every step very slow, never giving up on ourselves.

It's a Do It Yourself Project with no manual and no rules.
We can read about other people's experiences, and learn from them, but ultimately, we do what will work for us.

We all make our own decisions about how to do it, which seems to be a trial and error process much of the time. What one person experiences or works for them, may not work for someone else.

This is how I do it. It works for me, but may not work for others.

First I determined:
There is no right or wrong way to deal with the process. It's not black and white. What is right for one won't work for another person as their situations are often quite different. We think differently as human beings.

Our backgrounds are very different also: BIC and convert most often, in my observation, will naturally approach the Exit Process differently. When members leave the LDS Church, (as in stop believing) it varies from a very young age to a much older age, sometimes in our latter years, like I did.

Part of that process is a variety of stages that are a direct result of changing our mind about our religious, familial, cultural belief system. Those stages may be similar to others or very different.

A few things helped me immensely.

First of all, I needed to recognize that we are human beings, more alike than different: we put our pants on one leg at a time, we experience the same emotions that all humans experience. What I experienced with human behavior in it's varied forms from the most debasing to the most altruistic at church was very much the same as other places: work, school, etc. Just the faces changed.

Religion is only one defining part of our human experience. For some, it's more globally encompassing than others. Mormonism tends to be more globally encompassing because of it's strong generational traditions and rituals along with it's familial and social and cultural components. That is particularly evident for BIC and generational members. Not so much, depending on the person, for adult converts as they have a couple decades or more of life that they bring with them.

This sums it up quite nicely: (a quote I often use)

"The individual has always had to struggle to resist the tribe. If you try it, you will be lonely often, and sometimes frightened. But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself."
--Nietzsche

It's comforting to know we are not alone. When we leave our "tribe" and become an outsider, it's a process that may be similar to others, or very different, no matter what group or religion is involved. The more strict and controlling and authoritative the religion, as in Mormonism, the harder it is, in my experience. Some can leave very easily. They can walk away with little change. For others, it's extremely difficult and has far reaching dynamic results.

Along the way I have concluded there are a few basics that worked for me: we all get the same thing: we live, we die, we do stuff in between. There are no wouldas, shouldas, couldas, or what if's. What is -- is. We play the cards we are dealt.

We make the best decisions we know how with the information we have at the time. It's OK to change our mind when we find/receive new, better information. Don't let the past mess up my present.

There are no fantasy parents, fantasy siblings, fantasy marriages, etc. Making major decisions that are far reaching, will, in the main, be difficult.

My mind tends to see the Big Picture. After reading The Power of Myth by Joseph Campbell (a textbook for a local college religion course), it became easier to see Mormonism in the Big Picture as one of many God Myths throughout the history of humanity that humans naturally gravitate to through their generational, familial, cultural, societal background. The geography of our birth plays a large role in our beliefs. Where we are born in the world very often determines our religious traditions and rituals for our entire life.

I found that it takes work, on our part, to give ourselves permission to be authentic and create a personalized, evolving new World View and be confident about it. It's natural, to have doubts and concerns along the way. It's an evolutionary process, in my experience and observation. Years after leaving the LDS Church, I am adding and subtracting notions from my new World View.

I realized I needed to take my power back and own it, early on. I needed to be in the drivers seat and trust myself! This was my life, and I was going to live true to myself.

Everyone is different: for some anger, resentment, distaste, disgust, etc. can last for years. For others, those kinds of emotions are quickly replaced by others that lead to making peace with all of it. Humor is very healing! I fall in the latter group.

The end result of this very personalized, Do It Yourself, Exit Process from Mormonism based on the dynamics of our individual lives and families, is that former members will very often develop very different World Views and different opinions. Ideas and opinions that were considered incorrect and abhorrent in the past, often become acceptable.

It's natural for human beings to see the world only through their eyes. Changing from a concrete religious World View with little to no deviation, as in Mormonism,for instance, to one that is open and evolving can be jarring and upsetting when confronted with different opinions.

Learning the skills of a skeptic, using logic and reason in a new way can be difficult. It can all feel wrong at first. Eventually, we each find our niche, usually through experimentation. We find what works for us as a former Mormon.

I am a young adult convert, so my interpretation and experiences will be different than a generational BIC member, for instance. The dynamics of the home, and whether it's a: Spirit of the Law, or Letter of the Law (more fundamentalist in nature) makes a big difference in how we each internalized Mormonism also. My experience is predominately with a Spirit of the Law dynamic.

It's an exhilarating experience! Scary at times! Taking off the Mormon filter from our eyes and ears takes some getting used to.

We often completely change our hair styles, and our wardrobe, discarding the regulation garments. The world looks much different. There are new ways of looking at everything. It is not a black and white world, Us vs Them, after all.
All of our thoughts and actions take on a new perspective.

For me, it was necessary to use humor (daily), write satire and parody, write about the process regularly, and not take it all too seriously. It was also necessary for my sense of well being to know I was OK, to keep my self confidence, self respect, self esteem cooking on high! I was going to change my mind and do it my way! And I could do that. I didn't need to be fixed by anyone or anything. I was not defective. I'd figure it out. I could do that. I also needed to learn how to set boundaries and how to protect myself. That is on-going.

This is my list of how I know I'm out -- or recovered as some say, or the Exit Process is about as done as it's going to get.:-)

Like many, I live with and love Mormons and always will. They are some of my relatives and dear friends.
It's important, for me, in my situation to maintain as many positive relationships as possible. (Not always continually possible, however.) An attitude of gratitude is paramount to how I make this work.

This is my check list. I read it from time to time to see how I'm doing. If others make a list, it will naturally be different.

I know I'm really out when........

I've made peace with it.
The emotional attachment/bond by emotions/feelings has been replaced with love of all of life. (A past post on The Power of Emotional Bonds/Attachments to Beliefs by Faith covers this subject.)

The following is how I made peace with it. The short version.

I know I'm really out when.....
...There are no more negative bonds that result in: resentments, anger, or self recrimination, finding fault with every part of the religion or the people.

...I can live with and love Mormons and accept them like anyone else.

...I can be kind to members, and maintain a rational relationship and friendship like everyone else and enjoy their friendship.

...I understand that Mormonism is a religion like thousands of others and it's OK to change my mind, leave it, and know I am OK and was OK all along.

...I can respect all people's rights to choose their own religion (or none) as a valid choice and honor that right.

...I love my family and friends unconditionally, regardless of their religious choices.

...I own my own power, set healthy boundaries when necessary, and take charge of my own life, living it today, not for some reward after death.

...I choose my friends regardless of their religious choices. We are people first, religion is a non-issue with me.

...I can go to a church building, read their scriptures, articles, etc, attend functions associate with Mormons like anyone else, enjoying the fellowship, understanding that religion is just one part of how people live their lives, much of it very similar to others.

....It's important to me that I learn to think differently rather than take the same old black and white thinking and just change sides.

I didn't start out with this list. It evolved naturally during my process. I have added to it from time to time as I check off those automatic thinking scripts from Mormonism. (Another list in another post - I'm a list maker!-)

I will always live with and love Mormons, especially my deceased husband of 50 plus years some of my family and friends that are members.

This post outlines how I maintain a healthy relationship with my family and friends. Every person teaches me something, and most often, enriches my life.

The result of this kind of thinking has given me the greatest freedom, joy and peace of mind.

I agree with much of this Suzie with one exception:

The LDS church isn't a religion in the normal sense of that word. It's a cult. Socializing with cult members is a much different experience because they have a hidden agenda to convert or condemn. JS and Mohommed were similar in the vein. (Islam is a cult as well IMO)

Personally, I can do without phony friendshipping and/or pitying tsk tsks. And death sentences for being an unbeliever in the case of Islam.

I know we won't all agree. But I'll explain why I don't use the cult word in regards to Mormonism or any other major religion.

Short version: cult is a word that refers to all kinds of groups, mostly all religion in general on some level. I am more of a purist when it comes to the use of words and I am not going to use a word that has been defined to only mean Mormonism by some authors (laughing all the way to the bank, in my view!).
Nor will I engage in negative connotations when dealing with Mormonism or the members. It shuts down communication in my experience,

In my analysis and observation from research, personal experience, etc, I have concluded Mormonism for accurately is described as a patriarchal, cultural, familial, social, religious tribe.
It is also part of their lexicon. For instance, as a convert I was considered an adopted member of the tribe.
The Patriarchal Blessing gives the person the name of the tribe they belong to (from the 12 tribes of Israel).

It also functions as a tribe in many ways: it is geographical in many areas,it creates a whole paradigm for the individual in a familial, societal, religious context aka tribe complete with it's own unique rituals, music,costuming, and language, etc.
It is accepted by the members as "the only true church" in an us vs them perspective, complete with their teaching of being "in the world but not of the world."

There is no right or wrong way to view Mormonism or any other religion in my view.
There is room, for many perspectives.
In my case, I have made the conclusions that best suit my personal experiences and observations.

As a long time member, my husband and I as well as our family were never phony but were honest and decent people, just as those I have known for decades and consider friends.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 02/26/2013 02:05PM by SusieQ#1.

Thanks SusieQ