the exertion of pressure or threats, esp unfairly, in an attempt to influence someone's actions

Does this not directly apply to my parents taking away all my 'privileges' (some of which purchased with my own money) if I do not go to all church related activites?
My mom doesn't think so

Yes it's blackmail, but parents have all the rights until your of legal age. Then they only have the rights you allow them to have over you.

Ugh it just pisses me off soo much, I just had a huge argument with her, she was laughing at my well reasoned arguments so I told her to F*** off and now I have no car to get to work tonight... better start walking

If you were my kid, and said that to me, I'd make you walk too.

You may feel like you are banging your head against a brick wall when you try to reason with her, but that doesn't make swearing at her OK. (Two wrongs don't make a right, and all that.)

I personally feel that swearing is inherently harmless. However, if you swear with someone who finds it offensive (regardless of how ridiculous their reasons for being offended are), the argument will stop being about the issues and become about the language and the anger. It's pretty counter productive.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 02/27/2013 05:28PM by joesmithsleftteste.

At that point (well I guess the whole time) the argument was over anyways-I said that to her after she still decided to take my car after my valid points

Ya I know, I was just very frustrated
Laughing at someones well reasoned points is very demeaning

If I may, it sounds like the problem is really more a power struggle than the church. They'll use the church to justify their need for complete control over you, but it is really control that they want, not your salvation. My advice (and I never could have followed this when I was your age, but maybe you're a stronger, smart person than I was) is to carefully pick your battles. Do what you're asked for long enough to gain their trust and give them the illusion of having power, then figure out how to play to their egos and use that to get what you want. Fighting them will only encourage them to dig in their heels. If they feel like they have control over you, they may allow you more freedom so long as they continue to feel that your freedom is being granted on their terms.

Ya id agree with that to some extent, I think its a little late for that

Yes, it is blackmail.

My parents used to do the same to me all the time (and not just with church related things either). It was extremely annoying. I moved out from my parents last year, and I don't miss them at all.

It's horrible though, since you depend on your parents for a house, food, etc. so you HAVE to put up with their blackmailing.

My childhood was a long series of lose-lose situations. Having to choose between going to EFY or being locked in my room for a wee. Having to choose between going to a church activity or not being allowed to go out with my friends. Everyday there was something.

I know how you're feeling, and it's a horrible situation. Life gets MUCH better when you move away from your parents. I don't know how old you are, but when you're in dismay, just look ahead to the day when you can move out and make your own decisions. Think to yourself, you've got a few more years of this, and then you're going to have decades of freedom.

Instead of saving money for you mission, save money so you can move out as soon as possible imo.

This is exactly what is happening to me, I'm 17 so not too much longer, unfortunatly I have no money-what I make at my job is small, a lot of it goes to food because my parents don't have much food in the house ever

I cant wait to leave, I'm so done with my parents


What irks me is after treating me like a child they wonder why I don't like them



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 02/27/2013 03:07PM by nsgallup.

It's horrible. I wish you all the best. I wish I could give you more advice, but I can't think of much. It's the ultimate double-bind. I didn't cope with it very well, I wish I had rebelled against my parents more at the time.

It's not as difficult to move out as you think. When I moved out, I had a full-time job (which was paying me slightly under minimum wage), and my rent was very cheap, since I rented a tiny room in a house in one of the poorest parts of the city. So my rent was only about a quarter of what I was earning, and food and transport were my only other costs, so each month I had half of what I earned left-over. So living was quite easy financially for me, and although I wasn't living in the nicest place ever, it was certainly a BIG improvement over living with my parents!! And I gained independence, had lots of experiences and met lots of new people, who helped me adjust to normal life.

There's also the education route (which is what I'm doing now, I got bored of my old job and didn't need to save for a mission anymore). Depending on what country you live in, you can sometimes get funded by the Government to get a degree, meaning they can give you a loan and/or grant which you can use to rent out a place and also use for other living costs. I'd say look into applying for college/University and see what you can get.

I am trying to get into the canadian military right now, unfortunately we are playing phone tag -_-

Wow. I really hope it works out well for you. :)

And people will make you feel extremely guilty about not going on a mission, but don't let that get to you. What you're trying to do is much more worthwile imo.

I haven't even really gone public yet but I can still feel the judgment, it doesn't really bother me though



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 02/27/2013 05:31PM by nsgallup.

I am sad to say I was the parental perpetrator of such misguided nonsense.

16 yr old son was paying car payments and insurance for his vehicle from money he earned outside the home.

16 yr old son was done with scouts. Mom was pissed that he quit and that he was also difficult to get to church.

Dad went along with the proscribed punishment which was removal of his vehicle to a location where he could not access it.

Resurrection of the vehicle happened on day three of said punishment. Dad came to his senses and realized how very wrong the whole thing was.

Dad took son to get "his" vehicle and explained all the reasons why what we did was wrong. Also told Son that he was taught right from wrong, was old enough to make most decisions on his own and that his religious choices were his own.


Mom to this day denies that’s why his vehicle was taken and still holds a grudge for Dad freeing the son from and apologizing for religious persecution inside the family.

Son remembers to this day (11 yrs later) exactly the who, what, why and when about this event with amazing clarity.

that's what my parents don't get, if they just gave me some space and let me make my own choices I would give them respect

And your parents may never get it. The bonus here is that YOU get it. Your awareness of why and what is happening gives you a certain amout of power. Therefore you can adapt and prepare for departure. Do what is necessary to keep the peace until you can legally and financially care for yourself.

P.S. don't eat your money. As a teen I know thats tough but eat your parents money. They are on the hook for that. Feed your little Freedom Pig.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 02/27/2013 03:26PM by AmIDarkNow?.

Fortunately, the younger siblings learned from the oldest and we as parents learned. The youngest were the easiest to raise.

I have a suggestion. It's time to become cooperative in your home and show respect for your parents.

No more cussing, name calling, or anything else you might be engaging in.
Why? You are not going to get anything you want doing that.

Start showing respect for your parents. Do things for them, showing you love them and are grateful for what they have done raising you.

Get a job, put it in a bank account in your name. That is legal if you are old enough. Leave alcohol and drugs alone. Those will not help you at this point.

Parents are on the hook for you until you turn 18. Period.
It's legal, and you are digging a hole for yourself that won't help you one bit.

If they ask for rent,pay it. If they ask for help around the house, do it civilly.

You have no power in this situation.

You want a car, money, food, a place to live ?? Then it's up to you to play by the rules..... in your home.

Best wishes to you. As long as you fight them, blow up, swear at them, you'll stay in that hole you dug for yourself.

Take care of business in a civil, respectful manner, regardless of religious beliefs.

There is a bigger lesson here, learn to respect all people's rights to their beliefs. The way you are going about dealing with your parents, is not a successful plan.

Maybe you can build a relationship with your parents of trust. Right now they are laying the law down and if you want any thing from them, you need to do everything you can to rebuild that trust.

When you are 18, you can move out. Make your plans and do it without destroying your relationship with your parents. You may need them in your lifetime. You only have one mother and father.
So far, I have not heard of any behavior from them that is not legal.

Again... make some changes that benefit you. :-)

Great advice from Suzie.

"You can catch more flies with honey than with salt".

I guess I didn't really explain everything, but I have tried all of why you said for a very long time, they never respected me and I don't think they ever will, I lived with a friend for 4 months to get away from them and I felt much better away from them

I am not a very dominant person and usually tend to shy away from confrontation

This is the first time in my life I have ever swore in front of my parents so its not like this is a typical thing that happens, I have had no alcohol and will not ever do drugs and am usually quite civil.
However the way I am being treated is not fair and I really feel the need to stand up for myself

For now I am basically in survival mode until I finish highschool, I have a job but not the best pay

Edit
Also their is currently no 'relationship' with my parents worth having, I do not love them, and I feel that they love me conditionally

They tell me what to do they punish me if I don't do it-is pretty much the extent of the relationship



Edited 5 time(s). Last edit at 02/27/2013 05:31PM by nsgallup.

+ a million on that SusieQ.

My parents are in their late 80's. They still haven't figured it out.
If I let my mother get close enough, she'd still reach and slap me if she could.

My sister threatened her with a restraining order.

Some parents are lousy,unfortunately, and some will never change.

Start scouting around for a place to live after you turn 18,perhaps several of your buddies could rent a place together.

As for the military, are you sure your parents are passing on messages to you?
Are you getting all your mail? You might have to have mail sent to a friend's house.

Plan your exit carefully. Some parents will stop at nothing to keep an almost adult kid involved in church.
I have heard some real horror stories.

I feel like my life is a horror story :/
As for the military, we've been playing phone tag so far
Its really annoying because they call the landline when I am at school or work even though I gave them my cell many times

I'm not sure where you got your definition, but it doesn't describe blackmail, it describes extortion. Blackmail is a specific (and illegal) type of extortion that uses the threat of revealing that someone has done something wrong, illegal or embarrassing as a means of getting what a person wants.

Extortion, n. - The practice of obtaining something, esp. money, through force or threats.

Blackmail, n. - The action, treated as a criminal offense, of demanding money from a person in return for not revealing compromising or injurious...

Now that we've defined our terms properly, we can discuss the issue. You are living in your parents' house and therefor should abide by their rules. It sucks. Trust me, I really know. I was once grounded for a whole month with a complete loss of privileges for calling my dad a jerk. That was wrong for them since the punishment was simple revenge, not helping to correct my behavior. If your parents have a set of established rules and consequences, even though it shouldn't force you to go to church, etc, it is their prerogative since you live in their home. If they were charging you rent and charging you for your food, that would be another story, but so long as you are living under their roof and not paying for it, you should abide by their rules. If you can't, find somewhere else to live and try to depart on good terms. I recommend staying as it is a much more financially sound decision and leaving home to go straight to college helps you transition into the real world better.



Edited 3 time(s). Last edit at 02/27/2013 04:50PM by joesmithsleftteste.

:) okay correction, extortion then
My parents will still laugh at that term unfortunately

Just working on saving my money for now

It won't be for much longer. Hang in there. And see if you can find a community food pantry so you don't have to spend so much of your own money.

Ok I'll try it

You had better read what SusieQ#1 had to say to you, if you don't understand it read it again and again. Til you turn 18 you had better listen to your folks, they have given you room and board for 17 years. Once you find out what life is all about you and your attitude will grow up real fast. Once you start making payments for a room and some food and paying a car payment your attitude will change real fast. If you acted like you described in your opening statement in my house you wood be walking or riding a bike for a long long time. You better show some respect for your folks and maybe you might get some back in return from them. Life is very SHORT. GOOD LUCK,

as I stated I have done these things, for a very long time
I do understand what she said and it only took me once

I just feel very strongly that just because they are the ones who raised me doesn't give them the right to treat me like crap, I want to be treated my age.

To what attitude are you referring too? Could you explain what you think I am feeling that is going to need 'growing up'?

Life is short which is why the sooner I can start on life away from my parents the better off I will be, I would much rather be paying those payments then dealing with my parents



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 02/27/2013 10:32PM by nsgallup.