Okay with not being anon anymore.

THanks for all your suggestions today. It helped, so much.

BC- I used a lot of your suggestions, one I could not; it went to about 3 pages. I had to get it all out. I was surprised at how diplomatic, yet honest I was. I'll quote a few passages;


__________

"I do not wish to bring up past events for the mere purpose of stirring up drama, however, I now realize that we cannot have a relationship, and I cannot heal without expressing myself fully.


First, when I asked you, (mostly as a hypothetical question, hoping to penetrate the limits of your conditions) I asked somewhat jokingly;

“Dad, If I wasn’t going to church, nothing would matter to you would it? Even if I cured cancer, it wouldn’t matter?”

And to my question, which I hoped would inspire more discourse, I received the surprising, but direct and disturbing answer;

“No, even if you cured cancer it wouldn’t matter to me if you weren’t going to church.”

And later in that same week, do you remember what you SHOUTED at your beloved daughter?

I asked, politely and timidly, more cautious now;

“Father, will you please listen to me, just listen? I have listened and obeyed you for 23 years…”

Your response, which is burned into my memory, to this simple and heartfelt pleading was;

“NO! Because everything I say is truth and everything you say is lies!”



I ask you openly, how do I have a relationship with this type of father?

How do I even hope to develop and cultivate love and laughter with a father who judges me so harshly? How do I seek to share respect and mutual understanding from one who sees me as and calls me a liar even before I speak? Can I even anticipate a positive discourse from a father who reminds me with passive religious letters that I am a constant disappointment because I have chosen my own path?

How am I supposed to react when I am told that thoughts of me “cause you so much pain you cannot eat”? Why would I want to share my life with someone who judges my path to be the wrong and “deceived” path? Why would I choose to share my secrets with someone who thinks so little of me, that he doesn’t believe I can morally, intellectually, happily, and correctly guide my own life?


How am I supposed to react to these insults father? "


-----------------


"Your letter indicates that I have hurt you with each passing day of silence? Do you know why I choose silence father?


Simple.

I don’t know how to talk to my father. I have lost the hope to receive respect, understanding, and patience from any discourse with you.

During the past 4 years, I have been met with silences when I have shared my joys that aren’t what you would want for me and palpable disappointment when my life’s path has lead me down roads that you did not choose for me. Paths, which have lead me to great joy.

I cannot help but hear the echo of “hope” you would tell me you wished for my brothers-- a hope that they would reach “rock bottom” and come “back to church.” In recent years, I always hear that same “hope” in your voice for me, and it was so disheartening. I have always thought that dependence upon any organization by sheer desperation is an awful “hope” for someone you profess to love.


The joys in my life that I did try to share with you became further opportunity for judgment and disappointment, until finally it became impossible to be willing to reach out to you, and it became necessary to stop sharing my life with you. Silence became my refuge.

It may be time to break free from that refuge father. However, there are conditions.

First, I need you to know that for various and multiple reasons, I have formally resigned from your church. I will not go into my reasons, as they are my own, and are not appropriate in this letter. I no longer subscribe to any religion, and I do not see myself ever doing so again. I tell you this not to hurt you, but to be honest in telling you who I am, and to also allow you to understand that no amount of praying, witnessing, or other means of religious communication will compel me to change my mind, as I did not come to the decision lightly. As I said in my very first communication with you about this over 5 years ago; I am intelligent enough, and self aware enough to know that I will make these decisions on my own. Your refusal to accept this and to keep pushing this topic will only result in further distance.

Second, I refuse to accept the guilt or blame you have decided to lay at my feet. Your behavior, as justified as you may feel it is, because of “righteousness”, is completely unacceptable to me. I have asked you to respect my choices, if you cannot, then we have no respect.

I choose not to associate with people who cause drama and anger in my life. I don’t accept the way you have treated me, and I do not accept, and will no longer invite your judgement of my life and decisions. It is unjustified, haughty, and completely based in a reality I no longer subscribe to."

___________

"Are you ready to stop insulting my intelligence by arrogantly insinuating that I have been “mislead?”"


_____________


These are my true feelings. I write this letter without the intent of hurting you, however, it may be inevitable and I do not find pleasure in knowing that this may be in part, the outcome. "

The sad truth is the ONLY measure of a man in the mormon church is "does he go to church"
That's it, there is NOTHING else.

intjsegry, your words are heartfelt and honest. But if your father is like mine, you are talking to deaf ears.

I opened up to my dad, and he continued to brush me off as a follower of Satan.

I had a choice of being an organ grinder's monkey, or being fatherless.

Call me a bastard.

Mormonism, and other religions as well, has a way of distorting a person's perception of reality to an extent that they are completely cut off from the concept that they might be wrong.

you made the right decision to distance yourself.

I think what you wrote was clear and respectful both to yourself and him.

Laying it out there for him is the only way he will know what happened, and possibly change. But from past experiences with you and with your brothers, it doesn't sound like he learns.

It seems like you had a good relationship with him in the past, but at core that relationship was based on playing the part he expected you to play. If you had done that, he would have treated you well. Maybe I'm just projecting based on my own experiences, but some people reveal their true colors when someone dares to disagree with them. Leaving the church may have just revealed who he was all along: controlling, judgemental, closed minded.

I thought your reply was excellent.

Good for you! Well said and well expressed!

3 pages fits well within "a page or so" :) The key was to keep it concise enough to only say what you really needed said and not ramble - it sounds like that is what you have done.

Now the ball is in his court. The choice is his whether to repair and love you or widen the gap. Either way you can move forward without having it nagging at you anymore. And you can move forward guilt free that you did your best to explain and repair based on the only possible way that it could work.

Best of luck! I hope he chooses you!



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 02/27/2013 11:15PM by bc.

I hope he reads it and understands you. Very well done!

I hope he has grown a brain or at least a heart. If he hasn't, I sure wouldn't want to spend eternity in the celestial kingdom with him.

There are times when I wished I could loan my understanding husband out for a day or two! :-) Borrow a great Dad for a Day.

I don't know those other judgmental men.

Never once did my husband ever show any disappointment of humiliate any of our children or me for anything.

He accepted that everyone would make their own decisions about their religious beliefs and never once tried to talk them out of it or guilt them.Instead, he was supportive and always kind.

I don't recall a time when any of the children thought they couldn't go to their father about something. (He and I had our problems, but this subject was not one of them.)

intjsegry:
I hope your letter will reach your father and it will make an impact toward building an accepting positive relationship.
Hopefully, the timing is good. Sometimes timing is so important.

It is so hard to see so many suffer with parents and loved ones that are so argumentative and non-accepting of their children's choices.

You are doing the best you can to make a positive change and rekindle a loving relationship.
My best to you.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 02/27/2013 11:45PM by SusieQ#1.

Excellent letter.

However, given what you wrote about him hoping his sons hit rock bottom which would make them come back to the crutch....well...that does not bode well for understanding.

Question: Are any of your siblings still in the cult? Or have you all gone? What about your brothers? Are they still out and what is their relationship with your father?

Beautifully writen. Very heartfelt. I hope he reads it and really thinks about. It. I want so badly to tell you he'll change, but the hard fact is so few of them do.So offen they take it as a test of their faith. but stay strong and in time he might. Best Wishes! And peace be w/you.

My brothers both left at early ages. Neither of them have anything to do with my father. I have one other stalwart brother and one other faithful sister. 3/5 isn't good odds... maybe that should be a hint.

You may want to remind him of HIS religion's 11th article of faith ...

11 We claim the privilege of worshiping Almighty God according to the dictates of our own conscience, and allow all men the same privilege, let them worship how, where, or what they may.

And point out that by not respecting your choices he's not being a very good example.

good to let it out, if it changes things in his mind then good, if not at least you are honest with yourself and him.

and you always have friends here! plus the fridge serves ice :)

Good for you! Let us know how it plays out.

It is generous of you to try to establish a kind and loving relationship with your father. But for that effort to be successful he must have the same attitude. Unfortunately that does not appear to be the case. His goals are to treat you like a child and dictate how you should live your life. TSCC has been the driving force behind that attitude.

Your father is acting out a frequently seen adult tendency to equate age to wisdom. The problem is that in this case his advancing age has not made him smarter. Rather, it simply means that he has had a lot more time to be stupid due to his willful ignorance. With all your good intentions you can’t cure stupidity. As difficult as it may be, at some point you will probably need to admit to yourself that you are beating a dead horse.

IMO your best course of action is to admit defeat, break off ties with your father, and go about living your own life. That pretty much describes what I had to do with my TBM father. Been there, done that.

I think the letter was great! Perfect balance of extending your hope that a relationship can be forged, but letting him know that there are terms to it that are borne from legitimate past hurts.

I can't imagine not having a close relationship with my child--with the person they REALLY are. I hope your dad realizes what an amazing daughter he has and responds with love and respect.

Good luck and please keep us posted.

I wish you were MY daughter...or daughter in law...or any other female relation that I could somehow lay claim to. You are wise beyond your years.

That means a lot sd. Thank you.The partial resolve has been posted in a new thread.

I appreciate your words.