how to tell your parents.

For me it was important to tell my parents in person that we didn't believe anymore. thing is my dad has a bit of a temper so we planned carefully.

1. invite them to dinner, better to be in a public place because we tend to control our emotions better.
2. let them eat first, this is tummy churning news to a TBM, easier on a full stomach than an empty one.
3. prepare, take notes if you need too. play out the conversation in you head before or even act it out with your spouse.
4 tell them. I gave them my written version after telling them. there were questions and challenges. but being prepared made it easier to respond.
5. if you love them, tell them so. give them time to digest the news, dont drag it out longer than needed. they are probably trying to take in in a few minutes things that you have spent months or years on. they probably wont be able to deal with it all right then
6. hug and go you separate ways, if you can, leave it on as good a note as possible.

Thank you for the thoughts. Telling my parents is by far the biggest worry I've had or still have about leaving mormonism. I have a good relationship with them but I also know they will be heartbroken. They've been very loving parents. I can't fault them for much at all other than being naive. Their biggest desire is for all of their children to be good little mormons.

I've talked to friends, ward members, and my siblings but I haven't told my parents. They are starting to hear rumors now and they noticed my wife and I don't wear garments. I need to tell them the full story because I don't want them to make assumptions and I don't want them to be hurt because I didn't tell them. I need to do it soon. I'm just too chicken.

I didn't say anything for years. Finally I just posted on Facebook, "Mormonism isn't true. For those of you who believe, I still love and respect you. But I'm not hiding any more."
I was lucky. Nothing really changed with my family relationships. Only my mom recently announced, in typical passive-aggressive fashion, that all she wants for her birthday is for her family to go to the temple that day. But the rest of my family has been cool.

That took guts, very succinct. Awesome!

How did they respond?

you asking me?

Yes, what kind of response have you had from your parents? What happened when you told them, what about your wife's parents? Did you tell them also?

my parents were first. they knew something was up, any decent parent would IMO. after eating I just said. I see no other way to say it, I no longer believe the church is true. Dad went immediately defensive, mom was stunned. dad demanded one reason, just one! mom calmed him down were were in a public place after all. I said its not just one, it is over 100, he wanted one, so i said the BOM isn't a true record of people on this continent, it cant be. he demanded to know how, I pointed out several of the reasons, that only made him more angry. took a deep breath and said I know this is a lot to take in and I can't expect you to understand in just a few minutes where I am coming from.

he bore his testimony, that didn't have the effect on me he expected. he asked if I ever had a testimony, I said I did, felt the spirit many times. then asked my mom if she every felt the spirit when paul h dunn was talking? she said yes, and then we found out they were lies, so in that case the spirit wasn't very accurate in telling the truth. I said god didn't give us a brain to just shut it off and not reason. that made her think a bit. I told them that my unbeilef didn't affect my love of family, they told me the same. they were stunned, and we haven't been shunned exactly, but dad did warn my siblings about my, offered them my 101 reasons to read too. I respected that.

He still doesn't want to talk about it though and that pains me personally. He is the bravest man i know, and this scares the bejeebus out of him. makes me mad that the church does that to people.

so in all went pretty well with my fam, but religion is the elephant in the room when I'm around, I hold back to keep the peace.

with the inlaws we followed the same formula a couple days later. my FIL i think might lean a little more our way than he lets on. but MIL is ready to see jesus in the second coming any day. I pointed out some facts that clearly upset her. and wife kicked me under the table for making her mom cry so i shut up.

inlaws said they still love us, mil talks to wife but i am avoided.

for both sets of parents being die hard TBM it went about as good as can be said.

the only down side is now im branded apostate so anything i say must be false. in hind site i might have been able to open eyes better with a fact here and there rather than laying it all on the line at once. i could have emailed toms interview for example and got the to listen where no they are to afraid to even consider it.

but it feels much better to be open on a personal level

Your dad and my dad are cut from the same cloth. I actually told my mom and let her tell my dad because I was afraid of my dad. With good reason, he's said some pretty hurtful things trying to scare me back. I won't talk to him or my mom about my beliefs any more. I'm not willing to put myself through that again. I'm glad your parents have dealt with it better.

there are many awesome things my parents did in raising me. i keep telling myself cut them some slack on this thing. but i'd so love to talk to them about it in detail.

That's a good way to look at it. I can say the same about my parents. I chalk up the mean things they've said to the fact that they are very afraid of what this means for my "salvation". It's still hurtful all the same. I hope you are able to talk to your parents more some time in the future.

I'm more worried about telling my in-laws. They are the quintessential molly mormon and peter priesthood. MIL is RS pres, FIL has been high council, bishop, in 2 stake presidencies etc... TSCC is EVERYTHING to them. It's far and away the most important thing to them. I'm sure they would rather have their daughter die a slow and painful death than be married to an exmo. We just moved a couple months ago and we have not received new callings yet.

My FIL is always harping on us that we need to get back to work in the church and get a few callings (as if it's our fault we haven't gone and requested callings yet). I seriously think he might get his shot gun out and blow me away when he finds out I'm leaving. They will be terrified that I'm going to take their daughter away from them and they wont be an eternal family in the CK.

@wolfsbane - It's a difficult situation. I've made it very clear with my parents that I'm the one that has issues with church not my husband to keep him out of the firing range. He actually does the same with his parents by making sure they know that he is the one with the issues. Parents typically are more accepting of their own child's choice than the choices of others which affect their children. I don't know if your wife is with you on the way out and if this strategy would work for you.

tellin my In laws, my wife decided to take the lead so that they understood from the get go that this was her idea.

we both supported each other in our discussion.

now I realize you have to have a common goal for this to work, if your wife is still TBM, I think it should be her call to tell the parents or not. in both cases we told them together, we also did it quickly to prevent the rumors from flying.

either way good luck to you