My 15 year-old daughter is one of the most beautiful women I know (she is a woman now). She tells me she doesn't think she's beautiful. I ask her why and she can't explain. I told her that since I left the LDS faith I feel a stronger sense of who I am, that gives me confidence, and from that I feel like I'm good looking. Not that I care if I'm good looking to anyone, but I feel good looking to myself. I don't know if any of that made sense to her. I told her that maybe the reason she doesn't feel beautiful is because I struggled with low self-esteem for so many years and perhaps she learned it from me.

I wish so much that she'd get out of the LDS faith because I think her self-esteem would climb if she did. I think she's caught up in the rigidity of the LDS rules etc. and that's bringing her down too. I really could use some advice here.

Invest in her. Time with her. Drive to destination points focused on her. Ice cream parlors sit at the table tell heronly uour jokes not your sad story reserve your issues for yourself tell her funny stories to hear her laugh when you arent listening yo her story life narrative detailing and her jokes.
Go tO her concerts her games cheer for her team every time dhes performing. Dont be the drama or let snother kid or relationship be the excuse you have to miss or make a scene not pertsinng to her be at every parade every play she directs techie does the light board for or acts in.
You are an essential peripheral.

My 13yo daughter is in the same boat. Beautiful, smart, talented gymnast. But she gets upset because her doesn't take the sacrament because he drinks, and her mother (me) doesn't go to church. Her parents are divorced. Our house is not big and shiny and beautiful. All of these things in Utah make her feel "less than" other girls. I know that all girls go through this regardless of religion. But I will say my older daughter who is 25 was never involved in the church seemed to have an easier time with self-confidence and friends.

The only advice I can give you is to make sure and keep talking about it. Teach her what mistakes really are - the best way to learn. Not the sickening, shameful "sins" the church says they are. Unconditional love is very healing so make sure to shower with love, which I'm sure you already do.

I remember feeling like that not to long ago. (24 now) Girls that age need to feel special to boys. Sometimes boys that age are idiots and they don't get to feel like that.

What made the biggest difference to me was when my dad would notice that I had put effort into something weather it was my looks that day or a project I had worked hard on. Tell her she looks nice and that you are proud of her. She may roll her eyes at you but being special to her dad can go a long way.

Low self esteem among female adolescents is overdetermined in our culture. There are so may factors contributing to it, trying to ameliorate the situation can be overwhelming for people who care about them.

For girls, "looks" become an important part of how they are slotted into heirarchies with peers. Yet, our basic facial and bodily structure is not something we have much control over.

It is also difficult for girls to express pride in their appearance or achievements for fear of being ridiculed by others, especially by other girls in their peer group. So, many girls will learn to put themselves down before others can do it for them. It's sad. I work with adolescents and witness these dynamics a lot.

As others here have noted, being admired by important adults is important.

It may also help for your daughter to develop a sense agency over things she is or can be good at, like school, art, playing an instrument, sports, anything.

Developing a strong internal locus of control is really important for all adolescents. It helps them build the resilience and self-reliance that will serve them well in life.

At 15 most girls think they're unattractive, stupid, clumsy, have a bad complexion, terrible hair, and will never find a real boyfriend. It's adolescence, and while tscc might make it worse, it's just part of teenhood. Give her sympathy and realize she probably won't believe anything you say because you're an adult. It's just something teens have to work through. The wise ones finally realize none of that matters. The others will be miserable all their lives because they can't attain some society idea of perfection.

I am going to reach, throw something out--if it sticks great.

Christianity and Mormonism deal with our shadow, dark-side by first providing an atonement and second providing an accountant's ledger of things that we can and cannot do that allow a Mormon to label themselves as good.

Without these things how can someone be good when they know they have a dark side and dark passions and appetites. Adolescence is about meeting parts of your shadow for the first time and beginning to learn how to incorporate the shadow into your being. Mormons ignore the shadow, deny the shadow, or the rebellious Mormons let their shadow run amuck, since you are either good or bad, so if you are bad--well then, be bad, really well.

I created in my mind the sense that I am complete only with my dark passions, but that the way to deal with them is like water and ink. Diluting of the dark behaviors, "sins". The best way to deal with our shortcomings is not just to try and always do good, and to not accept the need for a "Savior", but to accept all that we are, but just try and expand ourselves as beings so that that our shadow is diluted/softened by our lightness. Shadows are important and can allow us to do important and necessary things, but they do not define us completely as we were taught by Christianity and Mormonism.

Mormonism is an esteem leech. I can't promise this is a solution, nor can I say it has worked brilliantly for me, but a 15 year-old is beginning to see the impossibility of being fully mortal and being a Mormon. Not just physically, but in the lack of curiosity, creativity, the embracing of fear, the inability to accept failures and shortcomings in self and others, and the dependence upon a Savior and a One True Church. How do you know you are good if you don't have a temple recommend and a Bishop's approval? An adolescent is wanting to get rid of the training wheels and become an adult, Mormonism is saying ride around in a circle at 10 miles an hour with the parking brake on.

I said, it's a reach, but self-esteem is tricky. Almost all adolescents wrestle with this issue, but I have great empathy for Mormon adolescents. The religion does not want them to mature, but has polished an effective process of perpetual dependence. She needs to begin to feel powerful in order to break away soon enough to learn the ability to forgive herself for mistakes and "sins". Many of those who cross into adulthood as Mormons struggle to forgive themselves for mistakes because the tools they needed to develop as adolescents were never developed.

I see another thread on here that is indicating that is the case for the OP, Rusty123.

Best.



Edited 5 time(s). Last edit at 03/11/2013 06:01AM by gentlestrength.