I work with a bully and she has been on my case lately for offending her last fall and even though I have apologized and it was entirely within my rights as her supervisor to talk to her about her rude behavior, she wont let it go. I find myself feeling ashamed, embarressed, and desperately trying to please her and appease her so that things will go more smoothly.

I should write her up, but instead I feel guilty, like I have done something wrong... and it is crazy! Could my lack of assertiveness and obvious lack of self esteem be caused by my upbringing? Id really like to know!

If you are her supervisor you need to take control of the situation, lack of assertiveness or no. If you don't it will only get worse and possibly get you in trouble for it.

And I suppose TSCC could have something to do with it, but it's easy to just blame everything on them too.

I turned it all in to the people on top and that just made me feel worse. I wish I could have dealt with it on my own, but I think the person involved is actally in need of help. *sigh*

This is just my experience in TSCC, Primary, YW, Institute and at BYU--but--yes, you were trained to be passive and even submissive. Remember all those Mormon lessons on "obedience"?

I had to retrain myself when I became a single mother (and head of household and breadwinner) and when I re-entered the workforce, after years of being a stay-at-home-mom.

Read "When I say NO I Feel Guilty" and "The Assertive (not aggressive) Woman". These two books and some classes in assertiveness training helped me a great deal. Something interesting--in the dialogs and examples in the book, I found the same manipulative techniques that the Mormons had been using on me for years! Assertiveness training tells you how to deal with these techniques.

The MOrmon church also teaches over and over that whatever happens bad is YOUR fault--not the church's, not the leaders', not the doctrine, not the Mormon society. Only you are to blame.

While I was ill, I took very easy, once-a-week temporary job in an office that was a hornets' nest of Mormon women in competition with each other. Every time I was there, someone would be crying in the ladies' bathroom. Some days, there would be an empty desk, where someone just stopped showing up and never returned. So much energy was going toward blaming and scapegoating, that the customers were not being served properly. The gossip and back-stabbing was so stressful and unpleasant, that I quit after a few months and went back to my own stressful full-time job--which was a relief, even though it was much longer hours.

This stress of being ashamed and uncomfortable is taking its toll on you!

The Mormons also tell people to not listen to their own heart. They should only have those warm fuzzy feelings that say the church is true--but any other intuitions are probably of the Devil. In your case, I promise you that there is a REASON you feel so squirmy around this co-worker. Follow your gut! She is definitely undermining you. She does not like you. She might be after your job. You need to not only "write her up" but fire her, if it is in your power. Work is tough enough, and you need to work with someone who is compatible with you. You owe it to yourself, your customers, clients, and the company to be 100% on the task at hand.

Return and report that that jackass is outta there!

If you are her supervisor you need to take Control of the situation. I've been a captain for a long time and before that a mate and when someone warrants a disciinary report they get it. You are not disciplining them because you want to, you are disciplining them because they have chosen to act as they have, contrary to company rules of conduct. As I have told more than one person, "Here is the disciplinary report you asked for, sign here."

You only need to decide if you want to change. If so, you can start working on being more assertive by planning and reacting in new ways you think are more effective. Practicing new behaviors makes them easier and helps your become more proficient and might help you on the job as well as in your personal life.