I would like to introduce myself, please call me WildWest, I'm mid thirties, married with three children, live on the Wasatch, and I'm on my way out. I found this website one day while researching the musical 'Book of Mormon' and was excited to find a place I could share my feelings and ask for advice.

My quick story. Upon reaching the age of 12, church sucked. Went on a mission, was shocked to find out TBM's actually thought the BOM and Bible were to be interpreted literally, I spent the first 19 years of my life thinking they were fairy tales with moral purpose but never literal. Returned from my mission, church sucked 10 more years out of me, then I was given a calling that I could tell was a stepping stone to having the church suck it all out of me, forever. I couldn't believe it, people actually tolerate losing 10% of the little they have, losing ~5hrs per weekend to sitting in church leadership meetings, then losing 2 nights a week to more church meetings, plus endless other hoopla. Talk about death spiral. BTW, City Creek Mall was my last straw with the church, seriously, 'lets go shopping'. I can't afford anything there and I'm trying to teach my children that stuff doesn't matter, throw me a bone here...

This got me thinking about the nature of God, what kind of God would want to suck everything out of you and call that happiness, then build a large and spacious mall with my 10%, filled with the slime of consumerism while simultaneously trying to air condition the entire atmosphere above SLC. Well, after 24 months of contemplating God, I figured out God is nothing more than a game used for social control and to be the end-all answer to everything that couldn't be understood for the past 6,000 years of recorded history.

Pretty much, if there is a god, it would only be self serving to pretend to understand it's nature.

I confided in my TBM wife that the end is nigh. I would be happy to attend sacrament with her but the callings, forced participation, 10% B.S. is over with. She freaked, I mean freaked. I think she cried 12 hrs straight. She asked me what happened to me, I told her I took Josephs Smiths challenge, prayed about it, pondered, prayed some more, fasted, paid tithing, said one final prayer, and received the overwhelming spiritual confirmation, just as Joseph did, that none of the churches are true.

She said that it must have been Satan's spirit. I told her no way, it was exactly the same or stronger than the spiritual confirmation that told me to go on a mission. Next, the conversation immediately went to, "Are you cheating on me?", "Are you drinking with the guys after work?". I guess this is typical for a TBM, if you don't believe, you must be some kind of awful sinner. I replied, nope and nope, in fact, I'm more at peace with myself than I have been my whole life. Mental liberation.

Then the conversation turned to faith, and I needed to exercise more of it. Well, I am exercising faith, I have faith in things that make sense.

I watched my father leave the church as a child and that was about as smooth as a nuclear weapon going off (Mom and Dad never did deal with conflict very well). I always told myself, if I do leave I want to ease the pain on my loved ones and friends as much as possible. I'm sure there is some amount of discomfort I will induce in everyone that I cant prevent, but my mother always said 'kill them with kindness' and that's what I want to do in my transition. I've already been able to gain some valued insight from searching others posts.

I now ask for your advice, what did you do in your outing that was inspired, novel, or made the process bearable. Also, If you
relate to my story, please tell. I only have one friend that I can talk this issue face to face with, other than that, I am
bracing myself to be ostracized. I'm really worried my mother is going to meltdown when her only RM joins her husband and other
unbelieving son on the true road to happiness.

-WildWest

You'll probably hear a couple of dozen different personal
stories now -- and ones that you can probably relate to.

Good luck!

Welcome, Wildwest! Glad to have you here. I'm one of the board's resident nevermos.

Mormons tend to put down churches which have a paid clergy and staff, but one of the reasons for a paid clergy is to take a load off of the members' collective backs. In other churches you go, sit back and relax for an hour or so, and only take a volunteer job if you really, really want to. If you decide to ditch church on an occasional Sunday, you don't need to call to have anyone cover for you.

And interestingly, other churches are able to cover those paid positions for an average donation of 2.7% of their members' incomes. Not 10%.

The Mormon church has become a drain on members' lives and incomes. And nowadays, it gives little in return.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 03/12/2013 05:46AM by summer.

Welcome, WildWest! You are not alone. I am still transitioning out of the church due to a few social ties and trying to show the members that non-believers aren't evil. Best wishes to you and your family.

I've heard of many TBM spouses that respond like this -- their first instinct is to wonder how you've sinned to cause such a break. I was fortunate in that my wife was a lot less judgmental.

Remember that her accusations/judgments are the product of conditioning in the church. Hard as it is, don't take them personally.

Do everything to show her you love her, no matter what. Help more, be sensitive to what her needs are more than your own, don't discuss more than she can deal with, and let her know that you will support her in her activity in the church.

It will take a while for her to see you are still the man she married. You haven't gone to the 'dark side'.

It will take patience and committment. Your sudden announcement has left her without her stability and she needs time to get her footing.

Be prepared for the fallout. Everything from compromise to divorce. Your mother will feel she has 'failed'. Your wife will feel deceived.

Please let us know how you are doing. This board is an excellent support for your situation.

^^ This.

Welcome Wildwest! Glad to have you with us.

Make a deal with your wife. Say that you will go to church, pray, read the scriptures to ease her mind. In return, insist that she also read the scriptures and church history with you that concludes that the church is lying.

You can start by studying the facsimilies in the pearl of great price and the egyptian language. A good book to read is "By His Own Hand Upon Papyri" Larsen.

There are websites that have the exact locations to all the scripture passages in the BoM that match the Bible. I think if you read Corinthians 13 or 14 it will look like a part of Moroni chapter 7 almost verbatum with a mix of Matthew chapter 7. Be patient as the church will mind F__K your wife, and you will lose her and your children.

Keep reading this website as there are some awesome ppl here that are full of wonderful knowledge that can help you see many points of view that you have never even considered. This website is a gold mine for me.

congrats! one of my fav tv shows in my youth

sounds like the biggest hump has been the 12 hour water works by your dw...

moms; they are much more resilient than we realize...

all the best.

Welcome! I was the wife, but unlike many stories, I followed my husband out after 3 weeks. I cried and cried, for most of a week. I thought, as well, that my husband was going to do so many things that the church teaches against. I was scared.

One thing that helped us a lot, in that time, was to keep humor in the situation. We were immediately joking about the dark side and Jedis, hence my screen name. I tend to be an optimistic person, pretty feisty, and usually have a sense of humor about me. If your wife has a sense of humor, that will help a lot. Reassure her that you love her, many times a day, lots of little notes, hugs, thoughtful things. Don't change a bunch of stuff right away, coffee, alcohol, etc.

Some here will suggest that you go to church with your wife, to make her happy. My husband refused, period. One Sunday we were speaking in a branch in our stake as part of his high council responsibilities, and the next he was leaving the church. It was bewildering. Somewhere in all of the advice, you will have to decide what's right for your situation. Some couples leave together, some stay a lifetime with one in and one out, and others don't survive. There's no way to predict which will be you. Just know that you have support and a sounding board here. We have all been there.

I admire your stand for the truth and your courage! Good luck, and report back how things are going. We do care!

My wife still attends and believes. I attend a couple times a year but otherwise am inactive and have been for 8 years or so.

We still have issues that are difficult and there is friction over stuff. How to raise the kids and how much to share with them has been more of an issue now that they're teens. For years I respected my wife's request that I not talk with the kids about what I had learned but after talking with a marriage counselor she relented. I've talked with them a little and addressed questions they have but otherwise try to be as neutral on the subject of Mormonism as I can— emphasis on the "as I can."

Honestly I don't know that our marriage was the greatest before my loss of faith so it obviously didn't help things. We take it a day at a time. I think if your marriage is based on more than just a shared religion then you can build on those things. If it's not it makes things more difficult for sure.

Sorry I can't offer any real silver bullet for your journey. Best of luck and feel free to come back and talk anytime it's needed.

Your story sounds a lot like mine. My marriage ended when she gave me the ultimatum to come back to full activity, or she would leave me.

There are a lot of people who have gone through what you're going through. There are even support groups available, especially for those in this situation.

For some suggestions, based on my own experience (and yes, my mistakes!) and the experience of others, see http://packham.n4m.org/spouse.htm

It will help you, and possibly your wife, for you to find exmos to hang out with. Leaving the cult is traumatic on a number of levels and most of us live within the false fear that the cult creates. The simple act of meeting, associating with, and getting to know exmo people is a powerful antidote to the poisonous false fear the cult hopes you will live in. Another plus is that your own story will gain credibility as you meet scores of other people with virtually identical stories.

Mormons love testimonies. Let your wife hear them.

Welcome wild west! I can relate. I left about 2 months ago. My parents are in my ward. You find out real quick who your friends are. To those people that are your friends and continue to talk to you, tell them you are just being honest. Tell them that you still feel the spirit guiding you in your life. They can't argue with that. Keep being honest and true to yourself. It takes more courage then I thought I was going to need. I haven't felt any need to be mad at anyone. I continue to remind my family I am not mad and that I haven't been offened. I stay away from definitive or argumentative comments. I continue to tell them I am still reading, researching, and praying. I say that I have challenges with Joseph Smith, polygamy, ect... I found that I had no choice, I had to leave for peace of mind. Be careful with your kids. Do whatever is necessary to maintain a good relationships with those you love. Good luck.

Welcome to the board.

I relate to much of your story. I doubted for many years and finally told my wife a couple years ago that I didn't believe.

It was a difficult time. My advice to you with your wife, especially at first, is avoid explaining why you don't believe. Focus on making sure she knows that you still love her and that your relationship is still solid.

Expect her to feel like your marriage has been invalidated - that you have betrayed her and your marriage - that is how most people respond. Expect her to be paranoid that now you don't have the church forcing you to stay married to her that you are doing to abandon her and the children.

If you are on the Wasatch there are almost certainly exMormon groups you can meet up with. I'm aware of 2 in Salt Lake & 3 in Utah County that have weekly meetups. I highly recommend attending these even though it seems scary at first. It makes a world of difference to not feel alone. (Feel free to email me - brian@brightbuilders.com and I can give you information on local groups.)



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 03/13/2013 02:58AM by The Oncoming Storm - bc.

I agree about not telling her why. My hubby just said I didn't want to know. I decided I did want to at least know the issues so I could prove him wrong.

Hey, bc, is that email spelled correctly?

Not bc, but no, it's brightbuilders.

Ooops - I edited to fix it.

but her answer is the right one from God. Continue to remind her how much peace you feel and a weight has been lifted off your shoulders. I went through the same thing with my tbm spouse--and continue to today.

Just let her know you are angry too. You gave your all to the church and now you discovered it isn't true. Let her know that you are the same person and will love her the same as before you discovered the church isn't what it claims to be. It is usually a slow journey, but she needs time to process your newly found discovery.

Welcome Wildwest!

This board is a great place to work things out. I was lucky that my wife left with me. It's hard enough to leave as a family, but, to do it with your wife pulling the other way will be very difficult, but not impossible.

Best of luck to you!

Hey Wild West, good to hear from you. Last July I was in your same shoes, posting on this board for the first time.

Your story is very similar to mine. The more I looked at the church, the more it didn't make any sense.

Stay strong. Love your wife more than you ever have before. Make sure she knows how committed you are to your relationship. Her world just got turned upside down. Do all you can to make sure she can count on your love and commitment to her.

You may feel alone now, but I can promise you that you will very soon find more and more people I. Your life are going through the exact same thing. One of my old friends remarked the other day, "It seems like everyone is leaving the church now." And it's true. You will learn of other close friends and family who are in your same shoes.

Just in the last couple months I have learned one of my sisters no longer believes. And my brother told me he resigned last August!! And a good buddy from my high school days longer believes. And a strong family in my ward resigned over the summer. Trust me, we are everywhere.

Email me at cantletitalone@gmail.com if you want to talk further. I'm also on the Wasatch front and am in the same situation as you and am about your same age. We can chat about anything that's on your mind.

Best of luck to you!



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 03/12/2013 01:04PM by anothercasualty.

Welcome, WildWest!

If your dad is not a believer then I'm guessing that your giving him the news that you aren't either will go over pretty smoothly with him. Same goes with your brother. But it sounds like your mom will have a hard time dealing with it. And frankly I would NOT do anything rash on telling your mom. I'd put your focus on trying to establish a strong marriage.

Thank you all for the great replies and excellent advice, they make me feel hopeful. It would appear that I cannot let my anger overule, love will have to be the behavior of choice in giving this my best.

I do have excellent support in my dad and bother, I have not told them about my feelings yet but but am probably more excited about their reactions than anyone else's. It will be interesting to see how it plays out. As previously aluded to, my fathers exit from the church was less than smooth, he has always had issues getting his feeling across. As a child I remeber him never attending any church activites with us and asking my Mom about, she always said Dad had bad friends and that he was making bad choices. My 8 year old mind was confused to say the least, how could this man that sacrifices every working hour for me, brings me a cup of water before bed every night, and takes me to the arcade every saturday morning be making bad choices. Well, he wasn't.

Though I still love my mother to pieces, as an adult I have realized she has a manipulating personality that is without contest. To my misfortune growing up, I wish my father could have communicated his feelings to me in a more clear way. Now that I'm older, I realize he was trying to do his best. There was always a lot of negative energy (TBM sourced) in the house when he brought up LDS issues, my guarddog mother shut it down. What I have learned from all this is that the only way to deal with seprating is reinforcing the positive. Its hard to fight a heart and a hug.

One thing I will stand for when this is all done is that my beliefs will be equal(perhaps this is idealistic, new territory for me). Last sunday, we get home from church and my son asks me, "where did Adam and Eve come from", I said, "The lush forests of the East African rift valley, about 5-6 million years ago". I see my wife raise her eyes and look at me from the kitchen. My son continues, "How did they get there?" I reply "They were once monkeylike but learned how to walk to find food, then they evolved to what we are today." I look at my wife and she looks down and carries on with whatever she was doing. We then proceeded to watch two hours worth of NOVA documentaries on human evolution, my boy ate it up.

The next morning, he tells the whole family at breakfast the third person after Adam and Eve was a pre-human named Lucy, that she was about 3 million years old, and probably still looked more like a monkey than man. My little girls start to giggle because now Adam is outnumberd by Eve and Lucy the prehuman, 'girl-power' they chant. I proceeded to congratulate him for learning something new and sciencetific.

Perhaps there is hope this is going to work out peacefully after all.

-WildWest

I met an exmo couple a couple of weeks ago. The husband basically studied his way out. I talked to the wife and asked her why she decided to follow him. She said, "I would see him in front of the computer, studying, and I could see how upset he was. He would just be crying. I had to believe his pain was sincere and he was unable to get past it." I think he allowed her to see him being vulnerable and that enabled her to try and see his point of view.

Welcome Wildwest.

I was estranged from my family for years after leaving the cult. I have healed a lot of that by doing what many of the posters here have done: served my parents and siblings. I'm a contractor, and I can fix anything. I also live hundreds of miles from my family. So When I go visit, I take a bag of tools and fix whatever is in need of fixing--leaks, holes, squeaks, ugly stuff, etc. They love having me come. They're respectful and appreciative too. The Mormon stuff comes up, and I offer how my life is a contrast without being contentious. I am myself.

I don't think I could have made any of this happen while I was still angry. Going to Utah is still going to hell, but I get to leave, so it's okay. It took years to resolve the anger. If I'd have found this board sooner, it would have been quicker.

Beautiful and best approach gung. It really speaks to your character. I love it.

I also love that it puts a huge kink in the common TBM wisdom about apostates falling under the influence of Stan immediately upon exiting the church. However, in order to calm the cog dis you cause them, I'd bet they rationalize your excellent behavior by telling themselves you still secretly believe and will one day rejoin the fold.

The LDS mind can rationalize/justify anything. I know, I did it for 25 years myself.