When I was seriously doubting Mormonism, I kept thinking that maybe my prayers about the church were not being answered in the affirmative because of occasional pornography use (that I felt terrible about, but too ashamed to admit to anyone). I was paying full tithing, obeying the word of wisdom, the only person in EQ doing home teaching, etc. Over a year ago I decided to come totally clean which involved confessing to my wife and bishop.

This was probably a horribly bad idea, but I was desperate. Understandably, this really hurt my wife on top of the pain I brought her through doubting the church. It also provided her a convenient excuse for my apostasy.

Yesterday night I stayed up an hour later than normal reading Steven Pinker's ama interview. I first misspelled the website name and got an advertisement for sex with local women. I found my typo and read the interview. When I came to bed, my wife was visibly annoyed. My next memory it is 3AM and she is storming down the hall and jumps onto our bed screaming about me looking for sex with local women. She had checked my web history and freaked out when she saw that link.

I had to prove to her it was an innocent typo before she would calm down. I tried to console her for a long time before I drifted and made the connection that she is more suspicious of me than Joseph Smith, a complete stranger. She trusts church leaders whom she knows absolutely nothing about more than me who has been TOO honest with her (she'd have no reason to be suspicious of me had I not been an idiot and confessed to her). Anyway, I doubt that conversation went over well, but I was starting to get really upset.

I keep feeling like I'm doing a good job at not being a jerk over church things and we keep having these outbursts where it is clear she neither forgives nor understands or attempts to understand my side. I REALLY wish I had figured out Mormonism before getting married.

Why didn't you ask her why she was surfing on the computer at 3 am? Maybe SHE was the one looking for a local date and stumbled on what you accidently did.

Why do we feel we have to give in to our SO, make them feel better and defend ourselves when we've done nothing wrong? Sorry, but I don't get it. Peace in the family? Hell with that, if you don't trust, there's no peace. I'm afraid they'll leave? Well, guess what? No matter how good you make them "feel", if they wanna go, they're gonna.

Sorry for the rant, but I'm tired of seeing people that think they have to disregard they're mental health and well being because of some belief such as Mormonism. And, BTW, while I'm a convert and EXMO, my wife a NEVMO, we've been married 32 years. Always been happy? Hell no, but we talk and sometimes agree not to agree. Try that sometime...

That's a rough spot to be in. It's easier for a TBM to latch onto an excuse that doesn't mess with their paradigm... and their paradigm is that the only reasons people leave is sin, laziness, or offense.

I know she doesn't know me, & couldn't possibly believe me, but I had never looked at porn, and I still left the church. I was as righteous as they come, as anxiously engaged, and as thick skinned as the best of them.

My advice is patience. I've been out for 3.5 years, and my wife is just now starting to realize that this is a permanent situation that she needs to make work.

I don't know how long this has been for you, nor can I guess how long your wife needs... but know that many people need multiple years to aclimatize.

So be patient, don't force your beliefs on her, but try to foster an environment where she feels like she can ask you anything, & eventually she will want to know why you left.

Good luck. We're rooting for you.

I'm sorry.

Trust me, not "confessing" to her is not a better path. I tried that path. It became more and more untenable and painful. I felt our marriage was based on a lie.

I had to try to pretend to care to do church stuff - I was forever nagged for being too lazy to do my priesthood duties, to read my scriptures more, to bear my testimony in sacrament meeting, go to the temple, magnify my calling, etc. I had no motivation to do these things and it was painful to try to do enough of them to keep up appearances for my wife.

The path you are on is the right choice, IMO. You were going to end up there sooner or later.

I will say this from your wife's perspective. I think most wives whose husband stops believing while they still believe feel very insecure in their marriage relationship. I know my wife has- and it seems to be almost universal from others I've talked to. They feel that without the church forcing you stay married or not cheat that you abandoning them eventually is inevitable.

It's not so much about her lack of trust. It's about her sense of insecurity. The LDS church has carefully and strongly programmed it into her. You are both victims, in my opinion. The real key here is to not get angry with her for her lack of trust but to empathize with her insecurity and most of all work with her to feel more secure. Being angry just makes you look suspicious and will feed her insecurity.

Yes it is annoying and hurtful that their trust and allegiance goes to the church first - I've had a very difficult time with that myself, but I have mostly worked through it and gotten over it over time.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 03/13/2013 07:15PM by The Oncoming Storm - bc.

Pinker has a better chance of turning you away from Mormonism than porn. He will force you to think and to expand your ability to think. Porn will just make you hide from Bishop's interviews.

That's funny. I have his book "Better Angels of Our Nature" in the living room. I wasn't expecting it to be so huge, so I got sortof overwhelmed and haven't started reading it yet, but from what I've heard I think I probably agree with much of the book.

I've been trying not to focus on all the things I don't believe, so I told my wife that if she wants to better understand my views to read that book. She sarcastically asked, "Why? So I can hear about all the people killed by evil Mormons?" This further drove home that she really has no idea where I am coming from.

I didn't know that book mentioned Mormon killers. I haven't read it, but I'm surprised that this would even be on his radar.

If you are into cognitive sciences or language acquisition you have to read his other works. The man has done great research and really understands other people's research. He can present it all in a way that is easy to understand as well.

Yeah, I'm almost positive that isn't mentioned. The frustrating part is she assumed that that's why I am interested in the book. I should have been more clear.

I love Steven Pinker. My degree is in Linguistics and his books read like novels. I had a hard time with "The Better Angels of our nature" because of the descriptions of the violence, but the whole idea is just so damn uplifting... and flies in the face of the natural man thing.

About your wife, I echo what bc says. She proly feels insecure. She has been PROGRAMMED, like you wouldnt believe, in RS and with her peers to think that porn = cheating and that if you leave the church that you will leave her. Be as loving and understanding of her as you can. You have completely thrown a huge wrench in her eternal plan! Show her the way out with you with love, kindness and understanding.

If you want her and you want it to work out, then hope is not lost.

Sounds like your wife really is married to the church first. Your husband/wife is supposed to be your best friend. Part of being best friends is trust. Also part of being best friends is not being awoken by a screaming banshee.

Who knows, maybe my marriage is the weird exception.

Here is a simple question that only you would know that I think tells alot about your future in dealing with the issue: When she was screaming about her suspision that you were searching permiscuous local women - what drove her anger.

1) was she threatned by what this would mean to your marriage and committment? (essentially focused on you and her)

2) or was it driven by (or through the eyes of) an outside entity or arganization?



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 03/13/2013 11:09PM by builttospill.

Dude ... learn to use private browser settings.
and clear your browser history.

This sounds so much like my situation. Please let me know how it goes. Email me at rd4jesus0128@gmail.com if you would like. I just want to knwo how it goes. Thanks.

This may be a bit of a tangent, but what is the reaction in non-lds marriages when it is discovered that someone is looking at porn occasionally?

I've grown up in utah ... where porn viewing is of course tantamount to cheating. I guess it comes from the scripture in Matt 5:28 ... that 'lusting' after another woman is the same as adultery.

I've known some non-lds women who are more forgiving of this of their husbands. They will be annoyed, hurt by it ... but sometimes they just seem to roll their eyes and say something about "guys being guys," or something. Some couples even look at porn together.

Anyone else experience this?

This is my only experience:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TtipJD2AtKQ

haha... I honestly couldn't say. But sitcoms tend to align at least somewhat with societal trends. I'm sure it's less of a big deal, but I'm sure there are many non-LDS women that have major issues with it to.

I wish you the best of luck. It is a rotten situation. Obviously, there is more going on than just that one situation. You guys have issues you need to deal with, that go beyond porn or not. If she is that quick to decide that your "perversions" are the problem, that is the easy way for her.

It is probably much easier for her to just lump everything in with whatever you are doing that is causing the problems according to TSCC, which keeps her views of Mormons/right/wrong/non mormon in place. It's not pretty. I sincerely hope you can communicate honestly and work things out.

Marriage is hard. If you have kids, divorce is harder, for them if not you. One person can't fix things though, no matter how hard you try. If you both can't be open-minded and let each other grow, I don't know how you make it work. I hope you both can. For both your sakes, at least be honest. Best of luck!

I used to have a very suspicious wife, and we divorced because of trust issues. People who can't trust are often their own worst enemies! My current wife trusts me, and that makes me want to earn that trust always.

You might be helped by this series of videos done by an ex-Mormon couple:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EASh7pLmwJE

I doubt you could get your believing wife to watch, but it might be comforting to you to know that women check out hot guys as well. I seriously doubt your wife doesn't do that in her mind, but the accusations and mistrust are her problem. I hope you work out a situation that is truly best for you. There's nothing wrong with looking at porn. Nothing at all.

My wife is the exception... I'm so damn hot thinking of any other guy is a let down for her ;-)

I'm sure you're right, but she would NEVER admit it even though it wouldn't bother me. I feel like we got this whole relationship backwards--I'm more accepting of "imperfections" or differences in belief. I'd be the perfect TBM husband for an apostate wife. Guess that's why I'm the apostate and she's not.