I just want to share an update because those of you, especially lurkers who feel despair at times. I'm still taking a break and backing off online activity for the most part to focus on family, but I had an exciting idea today that I will make into a reality when I have the extra money. I feel that if I share my story, I can help someone who is feeling hopeless…

First off, I slipped into that dark place a few days ago, where I hadn't been in years. This update to a few friends explains it:

The other night was one of the worst of my life. Combining be unemployed, disapproval from close family, isolation and then marital problems, my world was crashing down. I also had my suicide attempt on my mind from that fucking troll's thread on rfm. 6 of my friends and 1 family member ended their own life. Sometimes it feels like that is my destiny (when I am in that dark place). I'm very proud of myself though. I went as far into that hole the other night that I had when I tried to end my life a few years ago. I started to think that way, then something clicked and I became angry. I found the same strength and perspective I did years ago to get out of the hole. I stood up for myself, even feeling like I was facing the world alone, but I became my own angry ass advocate. I didn't direct the anger internally and I refused to give in to feelings of hopelessness. Thank you “two jedis” and “peregrine” for reaching out to know I had support and later to see if I was ok.

I'm catching some serious flak right now from my wife's family for my most recent post on my FB page. Fuck them though. At least my wife is 100% supportive of me and is defending me. We are a team again.

I was in a very traumatic line of work for a few years and saw death and abuse on a daily basis. One day I witnessed a 13 month old boy scream for hours after being covered with boiling water. He died a little later. The two people responsible met justice.

I developed PTSD from this, and drank quite a bit of alcohol to help numb my symptoms. I distanced myself from my wife and everyone else during this period. My wife and I separated, and I was completely alone. All of my friends lived at least a few hours away at best, but my best friends were spread all over the country. I went deeper into my problems.

I ended up attempting suicide. I drank a fifth of vodka and took hundreds of pills (blood pressure, benzos, narcotics and sleeping pills). I thought I was doing my kids and wife a favor. Life felt too much to handle. I woke up in ICU a few days later on the ventilator and all other sorts of machinery. I found out nobody had visited me. I had multiple organ failure due to lack of blood pressure. It was touch and go for about 12 hours where they thought everything would fail. My kidneys stopped working completely, and my other organs weren’t receiving enough blood, but luckily didn’t completely fail. The only people who came to see me were co-workers (I worked at the same hospital that I was brought to.)

I didn’t leave a note. I was living alone and the only people who knew my address were my parents who lived 2500 miles away. I called a friend who I knew didn’t know how to contact my wife. I waited until I could barely keep my eyes open and it was a struggle to breath. I told him quickly what to tell my wife and kids. He happened to know my ex-wife’s number which I didn’t think through. He called her and she called my parents, who called the local police. When they found me I was unresponsive and barely breathing. I stopped breathing on the way.

About a week later, I went to an inpatient mental health treatment center and was served with divorce papers, and my wife had moved in with her mother. My wife sent my son (her step-son) to live with my ex-wife and enrolled him in a different school all without my knowledge. I needed to get my head straight anyway, but it was a lot to take at once.
After leaving the psych facility, I was in even a more dark place than when I had attempted. I used to be insanely afraid of spiders and flying. I no longer feared anything. I welcomed death, but I just had to go buy a gun to do it right (mine were gone now). A close TBM but open-minded friend of mine who is in a bishopric called me. I told him that I was going to buy a gun and end it properly and that nothing could stop me. He said “This religion isn’t for you my friend. You are in a special place right now. Right now you have nothing but possibility in front of you. You are already dead, so have some fun first. You are dead to you wife and children and to yourself. Do something drastic besides killing yourself. You can do that later if you want. Go somewhere and find something. That’s enough to live.”

I decided I was going to go be homeless in Hawaii and live on a beach to find myself if possible. If not, I could always go to plan “b” of ending my life. I didn’t have much money, so I bought a one way ticket to Hawaii the cheapest I could get. I now had 2 weeks to kill.

One of my friends in the Baton Rouge area who was in a similar spot said I could stay with him until it was time to leave. We wrote music together and we could relate to each other. He is my brother more than blood from this. He even said “look man…I know you need to do what you have to do, but I want you to stay with me. You don’t need to pay rent or anything until you get on your feet. Just don’t go.”

One day while he was at work it started to rain when I was outside. Each drop felt like fire. I was so present in the moment I could feel everything. I felt like I was on fire more than any spiritual experience previous. Life was now my playground. Every sensation was amplified by thousands. All of a sudden I realized that I could choose ANYTHING. I chose to walk in a circle. I chose to hold out my tongue. I chose to kneel down and lean back and feel the rain. My body and sensations felt on fire. I chose to go to the store, mindful of each step, each motion, and bought cleaning supplies. I chose to clean his bathroom, each movement an amazing force of will. I was creating my world.

I chose to stay. . I made many selfish choices with women during that period. I was later involved with an amazing woman who I later hurt due to my choices. She introduced me to rfm. I gave her a painting I made of that moment in the rain. I feel sorrow that I hurt her, but not for my choices that led me to where I am today.

I got back together with my wife. She instantly saw the difference in me. I was no longer weak. I didn’t cry or even apologize very often. I went too far in many ways. It wasn’t until a few years later (a few days ago) that I fell into despair again.

When I went into that hole, I only thought about suicide for about 30 minutes. I then found the strength I had during that rainfall and it turned to anger. I rose again and became my own advocate, even feeling it is me against the world.
I am a Phoenix. Here is where the fun part kicks in.
Days prior to my suicide attempt, I had accepted that I was dead. Everything I was. I got a large tattoo on my abdomen. This was the physical symbol of the death of me.

http://www.asergeev.com/p/xl-2006-553-26/grand_isle_college-weeping_angel_crypt_chapman_hyams.jpg

Once I have money, I will complete the story and have a large phoenix tattooed on my chest rising from my tomb.
I’ll edit this post to add a pic of my current tattoo, and the 2 images that will be combined to be the tattoo showing the rest of my story.

I have earned this.

My tattoo:

http://i1303.photobucket.com/albums/ag152/ragingphoenix01/doug_zpsbc85a668.jpg

The tattoo I will be getting will be in the style of image 1, but the position (symmetrical) of image 2. The tattoo will also have image 2's style head, and have blue/purple tail feathers and smoke tying it into the current tombstone tattoo.

Image 1:

http://i1303.photobucket.com/albums/ag152/ragingphoenix01/Phoenix_tattoo_commission_by_yuumei_zps3654c26f.png

Image 2:

http://i1303.photobucket.com/albums/ag152/ragingphoenix01/phoenix-tattoo-picture_zps156c5c5f.jpg



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 03/16/2013 12:33AM by ragingphoenix.

I can relate to your story and I'm sorry you've endured that. I think you are so awesome. You are one of my fav posters here. I hope you can learn to take it day by day and get through this somehow. You have a ton of ppl on your side and we love you! :)

Your story was gripping. I was immediately lost in it. As a writer, I will tell you this is not easy to do, hook a person in just a few paragraphs. It is obvious that you have real writing talent-- a gift.

There is no question in my mind that you have what it takes to write a compelling book. Everyone talks about being in the Present, but few can tell HOW they got there the first time. And --the joke is--there are no words...

But you found words and your description of your changed perception of rain was painting with words.

Many people say that expression through culture saves them. You have the power with the combination of your powerful story of redemption plus your writing talent to help other people without inflicting more scars on your poor heart.

When people get filthy rich, RP, they become philanthropists and with their charities they try to help people. You can do it with your talent, you can do it by sharing your story.

I immediately wanted my son to read it. I think a lot of people will react the same way.

Thanks so much for sharing it with us and so glad you found your way out of the abyss.


Anagrammy

I too enjoy your posts and hope you will continue sharing your experiences with us! You're a fighter and you story is not only gut wrenching but also inspiring. I agree, you have a way with words.

Just sit down and start writing, and keep going. Then go back and rewrite it. You will immediately find the clumsy spots, the fat that needs to be trimmed, and even improve the parts that were already great. It's how it works.

Then, find a really great editor. This is when it will really take off. They know what you don't yet.

This post is deeply moving and written so well that it causes visuals. So glad you are still here to share it. You will always count more than you may know--but, hopefully you do know.

Thank you for your support and kind words :)

I've been considering writing a book but I haven't really looked into it. I feel I have the story but I didn't feel I have the talent or know-how...I'm not like Raptor.

Maybe I need to think about it some more...

Hi Rp.

Everybody here is telling you that you DO have heaps of talent, even if you don't feel you do. Sometimes it helps to listen to the outside voices :).

It can be self-defeating to compare yourself to other writers. True, you are not Raptor. Nobody else can claim his voice or perspective. But the same could be said for you.

All writers confront roadblocks. And, all writers develop strategies that work for them.

For what it's worth: you might think about getting started by drafting a bunch of "snapshots" of your life like the one above, which as Anagrammy and others have remarked, is gripping.

Don't worry so much about the "big picture" narrative: just chronicle your life experiences.

Later, after you have drafted a set of these snapshots, you might start to think about how they hang together and from there develop your narrative.

Just my 2 cents!

Thank you for writing all of that RP...and I agree that you write wonderfully well, capturing a journey that others are at various points on. What you wrote definitely spoke to me...for the last quite a while the thread of thought constantly running through my mind is "I really need to die". I can consciously think of all the really great things that are going on in my life (getting out of the mormon con being high on that list!) and acknowledge that many things are better than they were, but still that sticky black thread continues to run through my mind. On the days that I can see no light, feel no warmth, that thread becomes a heavy, smothering blanket. You give me hope that someday there will be a rain that burns my skin. I had the rare privilege of sharing the address for this website with a casual employee at my workplace. We've connected during the times we've worked together and have gone for tea or lunch a few times. A short time ago I told her about leaving and what it did for me and children. And it turned out she was BIC and raised in the church til she was 13. 50 years later she's finding this site, and finding she's "not as crazy" as she thought. The survivors and thrivers on this site do all of us a great service by writing. Thank you again RP, and know that you've got faceless many rooting for you.

I found myself on the Hawaiian beach expriencing the burning rain as I read your story. Walking step by step to the store. Standing there looking at the cleaning supplies.

Amazing life experience and so thankful you shared.

Really glad i read this today... You have no idea!

Thank you!

I also hope you keep posting. I'm glad you are still with us--not just at RfM.

I'm going to do it. I'm going to take the advice given, especially from darkfem about the snapshot style. That's how I remember things anyway, and if I get enough together, I can work out how to best tie it together. And blueorchid gave me great advice too. Y'all have given me belief in myself that I can do it!!

It might take 20 years, but I'm going to write a book about my life experiences! Hopefully it can help other people...