I have my letter written to my mom and 2 active sisters. Problem is I am terrified to mail them. I live in a different state so it won't be obvious to them at first. But I want to move on and feel I can't with it in the back of my mind. I am 38 so I feel it's non of their business but then again I want to be honest. When I tried to talk to my mom when I first learned new info she flipped out and said the usual it's anti mormon. I don't want to hurt her so part of me thinks is it worth telling her just to cause her pain. It makes me mad I am even in this position. If the church would just be up front with its history I might not be in this mess.

Send them if you feel strongly about it, but keep in mind that they will mostly likely view the letters as angry and hateful no matter how carefully you selected your words. I personally decided not to "come out." Family and friends figured it out eventually, but I knew that attempting to explain my position wouldn't go well. Ultimately, you have to make the decision. Leaving quietly was best for me. What's best for you? What kind of relationships do you have? What will sending the letters accomplish? Yikes! I'm rambling...

I want to tell them but I don't want to hurt them. I wrote the letter because I can explain my reasons without getting interrupted. Is it worth it to hurt my mom?

I understand the intense need to rationally explain why you don't believe, but your mom won't likely grasp even a tip of it. You won't get her understanding. Find the stength to be honest with yourself without having to justify. Come here to vent. If you want to maintain whatever shallow relationsip you'll have with her, don't send the letter. If you are cool with risking what is left (because you've changed and it's difficult to have a good relationship with someone you can't be honest with) then send the letter and let the chips fall.

The relationship will be different from here on out. Period.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 03/16/2013 01:24AM by Queen of Denial.

Also, I haven't resigned solely to save my mom more pain. I don't talk to her about religion or politics. I don't share a large part of my life with her. I love my mom. I have tried to minimize hurting her while maintaining my integrity. Our relationship is very different, but we still have one.

If I resign does the church inform my parents even though I'm an adult?

Thanks so much for all of your advice. This is the third time I have posted on this site. It has helped so much. I couldn't do it without all of you. From my first post I went from being 99.9% the church was false to 100% sure.

If that's something they do and if they're well entwined in the mormon grapevine, they'll likely find out. If that bothers you, you might need to tell them to avoid having them find out from someone else.

I just went about my life and didn't hide the fact or make a big deal about it.

If mom asked about church, I'd tell the truth. "I don't go anymore."

If she saw me with coffee and said something, I'd say, "Yes, I do like coffee in the morning."

Eventually, she stopped bringing it up much except for periodic challenges, "I want you to go to church once and read the BofM every day for a week. If you still don't want to go back, I'll leave you alone after that."

"No, mom, I won't be doing that. Remember you agreed to stop making these challenges. I have to hang up the phone. I'll talk to you when you are willing to talk about something else."

It isn't **you** making them feel the way their church has trained them to feel.

Look at the people who leave other churches. Only when the churches are cultlike and controlling do the families feel hurt.

They feel that way because their church makes them feel that way.

They will likely never think anyone has good reasons for leaving and they're likely to always feel hurt that family members left. Giving them the rationale usually doesn't help and can make matters worse.

I say keep it to yourself. Don't tell them about what you've discovered about the church, it will only cause hard feelings.

If they ask about your church activity tell them you don't go (which isn't a lie). Only tell them if they ask you directly and then be honest about why you didn't tell them and why you left, if they ask.

There are things in life that are personal and private and that you only tell to the people you trust the most. In this case, your family can't be trusted with your feelings about the LDS church because it is still an important part of their life. Let them have that. They can't handle the truth and will resent you for trying to show it to them and probably won't believe you anyway. Why damage your relationship with them over something as stupid as the LDS church?

Go live your life and be happy. If your family sees that you are happy they may ask why and then you may have a chance to tell them how the LDS church was making you unhappy and why you left.

One last thought...we all take different paths through this life. No two are the same, not even for twins. You concern yourself with where your path leads and let them do the same.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 03/16/2013 01:26AM by Mnemonic.

I am learning that if you "don't come out" and just slowly fade away (from church) it seems to be less of a hassle. When you announce(denounce the church)it seems to cause more problems for the family that still believes. They probably won't ask you why you don't go anymore. (or at least not more than once) IF they do, make sure then that you can be as honest as you want. Or as honest as they will let you be. But, don't be surprised that once you say you don't believe, that they will never ask you again. They don't seem to really want to know! (or maybe they will just be hoping for a simple answer like I was offended or I started drinking and just don't feel worthy.)

I like others advice who have said just bring up little things about the church that you find troubling and let them start trying to sort it out. Little crumbs here and there and if you get lucky someone will want to know what you know and sincerely ask.

Good luck!

I think spouses need to be open about this when they're ready and able. I think parents need to talk to the kids if they helped indoctrinate them.

Telling siblings and parents is 100% optional.

Where and if you go to church is your business if you're an adult.

Ur mom is a big girl...tell it like it is... And let ur true feelings be known...the "hurt" Mormon mothers project is just a passive aggressive guilt tactic. Luckily my mother is not like this but my bf's mother is... And when she pulls that sh*t I see right through it. U have to realize ur guilt feelings in regards to her are a trained response she has instilled in you just by being raised in it... If these Mormon women are really so absolutely ruined and unable to cope with life and reality without emotional stability like they project..then shame on the church for making them that way..but not u for speaking ur mind!

I lived far enough away that I rarely saw family, and when I did, I faked it. I finally came out after my mother had died and my father was had started slipping into dementia. Yeah, kind of cowardly. My siblings accepted my apostasy, at least on the surface.

Part of me wishes I hadn't wasted part of my life faking it. It felt so good when I didn't need to do it anymore. But it's like the bandaid debate: do you pull it off slowly or just rip it off? Most TBM families are going to freak out. Does coming out sooner mean the freakout will be over sooner, or will it just give them more time to freak out. It depends on your family.

Are you 'lying' if you keep your private life private? Do you discuss your sexual needs with your mother too?

I agree that going quietly is probably the best way to go. Adults can have whatever religious beliefs they want.

And the church has told / insinuated that parents are to be the 'patriarch/ matriarchs for their whole lives. This gives them the obligation to try to talk you back into the church. If they didn't do that, they would be showing their lack of love and care for you because that would mean they don't care if YOU are not in their eternal celestial family.

So no confrontation means they don't have to confront you either. Not knowing means they can ignore that part of your life, if they want to.

just my nickel's worth.

My observation is that it works best to be very quiet about it. A lot depends on whether you are single, married, etc.

Take it very slow. Recognize that others don't take major changes very well, as a general rule.

It's your life, your personal business. No need to share everything, anymore.

Depending on how entrenched your family is in the LDS Church will determine how much or little you share. If you share you change in beliefs and why, at all.

It's possible to divert a lot of drama by just keeping it to yourself as much as you can for as long as you can.

You can start by questioning, taking a break, need to work things out, and never tell anyone anything specific.

Your specific situation will determine what you need to say and do. Remember that you are not in charge of other people's feelings.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 03/16/2013 08:36PM by SusieQ#1.